January 9, 2000 - Well... Happy new year to all of you! I hope this find you all well and no one had any hassles getting into the new year. Mine has started out with a bang! Literally! The LaBaron blew up this last week. Another car! Damn! So, I worked it out and am now the owner of a 1988 S-10 Blazer. It runs, and for $500 I can't bitch. Just seems these things happen at the worst times.

Most everything else is good though. Health seems to remain constant. My man and I are still together and we still have a roof over our heads. Guess I won't complain. I do, however, wish to vent a bit here. As most of my readers know, I am a very busy man when it comes to my work in the HIV field. In my recent endeavors, working with the Task Force, it was decided that with the new year, and a new newsletter editor, that we would revamp the whole newsletter and give it a name. We also wanted to bring the focus of the newsletter back into Michigan and not continue to copy national news all of the time. Well, Gary and I spent 5 days of hell putting the new piece together, got the edits all taken care of, and when we went to get the approval to have it printed, one individual decided it was his time to BITCH about every little thing and just rip the new issue to shreds. (This was the old editor who quit on me.) He was personally offended due to the design change and felt it was totally junk. This hurts...  But, thanks to many who actually took the time to look at it, read it and be judgmental, finally told me how good this issue actually is, and that our choice for the new editor will benefit us all in the end. This I was glad to hear.

My whole issue here is that the one person who bitched always seems to be the cause of much stress on all of us who work on the Task Force. Why do the powers that be, who ever they are, continue to let this one individual disrupt our work and give the Task Force a bad name? How much longer do I have to stress myself out, worrying if I will offend him or spark off another round of hate slinging and personal vendettas? How long will "they" let this person carry on, having everyone believe what a great job he is doing, when all he is doing is causing ulcers for everyone? And, more importantly, how long am I willing to continue to try to do good work for a good cause, just to have this one individual tear it all apart? EXASPERATING!! But, enough of that. The day is just starting and I want it to be filled with pleasant thoughts!

Off to the bowling alley.... Maybe I can break 100 on all 3 games today!! (ROFL! Shitty bowler huh??)

May 16th - I would like to start this update off with an apology. I have not updated in a long time as there were several things going on, including the final breakup of the relationship and a move back to Grand Rapids.

Well, the site has been gone through and what I was asked to remove has been. I have decided to move it back here to Geocities as the AmeriCorps thing is over and Geocities is FrontPage friendly. Makes it much easier to update things.

I am now moved back to Grand Rapids and settling in well. I am staying in my old apartment temporarily while I am looking for my new home. I have been very fortunate here. My dearest friend here at home has sought out financing and is going to help me get into a home. He's doing this out of purely selfish intentions though. He says that if I buy a house, I wont be leaving anytime soon. He knows I will stick around (Good plan Bear!!)

Also, I am working part time again at The Cell, one of the gay bars here in Grand Rapids. It's only 3 nights a week, but the extra income is beneficial. It's isn't a whole lot, and does not go over the SSA limit of $700 by any means, but I have spending cash when I need it. I am also already volunteering on the PWA Support Line here and will be working with the new agency to start up their harm reduction program, which will include needle exchange for the IV Drug community. This is the first of it's kind here in west Michigan and is very needed.

That's about it for now. I hope everyone finds this site again and look for future updates soon!!

June 19th - I was waiting to update this so that I could share the latest from the doc, but unfortunately, my appointment was cancelled without notice (set aside time in the day for the doc visit, only to find it was cancelled when I got to his office.) and now I have to wait until July to see him. I did get to visit the nutritionist and she gave me some glutamine to start taking as I am still loosing way too much weight. It was down to 152 when I was in to see her this time. She also thinks my testosterone may be out of whack and I was supposed to be getting those tests done before I saw her next time, but that wont happen to to the Doc's rescheduling. Can't wait to hear what she has to say, as I can not stomach that glutamine! First off, it changes the color of anything you add it too to a very bright orange. And she said it has no taste! HA! nothing I tried this with can get it passed my suspicions and my distrust of putting more chemicals in my body to counteract the chemicals I am already throwing down my throat. So I will talk to her and see what else we may do. I have already added a lot more protein to my diet, but it is making it rather difficult on my eating habits, as well as taking my meds due to the Crixivan. But I am working this all out somehow and I do believe I actually put a few pounds back on.

On another note, I have been keeping myself very busy on the social scene here in GR. The brother leather clubs have both had their runs and the bear group I belong to HAD to show their presence and since I am a board member, I just had to be there! I am also still in the process of finding a house to buy and getting settled here. This apartment is WAY to small for me and the two pups. Some things have popped up, and we are checking into them, but it is a slow process unfortunately. I am also dating someone again, but so that I don't jinx it, I will just tell you that we enjoy spending time together and I think he is a wonderful man. When, and if, things get more involved I will be more comfortable in telling you the details. I can say however, that he is negative and has no problems with me being positive, which makes things all that much better.

July 19 - I have put off updating this once again as I thought I would have some news for you on new blood counts. That however is still not the case as I have not seen the doctor since my move back home. I was to have the appointment last week, and due to car trouble on my way back from Detroit, I was late. When I got home, I called because I was only 25 minutes late for it, and asked what they wanted me to do. The Nurse/Case Manager I was speaking to put me on hold, came back a few minutes later and told me to head on in, that the doc would still see me. I went in, they got me in the room, took my vitals and told me the doc would be right in. I sat there for about 15-20 minutes waiting and then the nurse comes back in and says that they are sorry, but he can't see me and to go...

Needless to say, I was a bit upset (hence PISSED!), and without rescheduling this appointment, I left. When I got home, I called back to reschedule the appointment and try to get the results of my blood work from May when they drew it. I couldn't speak to anyone at that time, so I left a message to have them call me. The next morning, I received a call back from the nurse and rescheduled the appointment for August 3rd. While I had her on the phone, I asked about the blood work. She put me on hold to go get my record, (In my message to her, I asked her to have it so I could get this information.) and came back to the phone. She stated that they would redraw blood when I came in on July 19 to see the dietitian again as the blood drawn in May would be too old for the doctor. She then proceeded to tell me that my blood work from May had been lost. (This is the second time this has happened to me at this clinic...) The regular blood and liver stuff were there, but there was no sign of the CD4 or viral load results and she would look into what happened.

What really upsets me about all of this is that we addressed concerns to this clinic about these kinds of habits about two years ago when another agency came under fire for not serving the PWA's as they had been funded for. This agency seemed to have a plan to correct the concerns we have, and now I see it happening all over again. I have heard other people who have been having similar problems with the agency and I will be bringing this up at the Task Force meeting this month on the 27th. It really concerns me that simple treatment to PWA's is not being given as it should be. I will update you on what happens after this meeting.

Meanwhile, I go in today to have more warts frozen. These things are popping up like weeds on my hands and the ones he froze the last time aren't completely gone yet either. As I stated before, they will also draw more blood and I will be seeing the dietitian as well. All nice and good, but the dietitian also wanted some blood work done, which also has not been yet. So I am not sure what she will be looking at. I am just going with the flow at this point and will keep you posted as to what happens. I haven't seen a doctor since November and I know there are things that need to be looked at as my weight continues to drop.

On a good note, the new friend I have been getting acquainted with has brought a bit of sunshine to my life and I am very happy. He is a very sweet man who makes me feel as important to him as I feel he is to me. One thing that still lingers in the back of my mind, and probably always will, is that he is HIV- and I don't want that to change. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and ride this out as it feels so right. Still haven't said nor heard the "L" word, and I think that is a good thing. Rushing into something that seems this right can't be good, and I think we both realize this. We both are taking things one day at a time and enjoying every bit of time spent together.

August 9 - There has been a lot going on since I last updated this, so let me begin with the medical stuff I FINALLY have gotten. My CD4 remains on the climb and is now currently 490 @ 24%. The Viral Load has gone up a little to 117, but is still considered low. The rest of the blood work showed me doing real well and the thought that my testosterone level was too low is not the case. It is in fact higher that normal. So, the doc thinks that my continual weight loss was due to stress and poor diet. He referred me back to the nutritionist and she will most likely want to do a calorie count to see if I am getting enough. I do think the warts have settled down, and those that were frozen are gone. I did find another, and will talk to him about freezing that one next month. I will also be talking to him about some small rashes that have cropped up. A small spot on my knee and now the feet are acting up again. (If it isn't one thing...)

I also want to share some unfortunate news that the work I have been doing for a fundraiser has been for naught as the club we were supposed to hold the benefit at has been closed for a month for remodeling with no warning, and will be closed on the 12th, which is when the benefit was scheduled. I (and many others) busted my/our ass for 3 - 4 months to put this together, and what was it for? To be told that we need to reschedule it and find another venue to do it in. Yeah?? Bite me!! It is unfortunate that the agency we were trying to raise money for will suffer just because of Gay Bar politics! Make me angry as hell and I am definitely NOT supporting the two clubs here who caused the cancellation of this event.

I also am no longer working at the bar. I was told last Friday that I was no longer wanted there as the manager received several complaints from customers that I was bitching to everyone about not making enough tips. Well, my first reaction to this was "What customers?? I never have any!!". The second response I had was "Good riddance!" When you work somewhere and stand around for 5.5 hours and wait on 3, maybe 4 customers and make 2 - 6 dollars in tips... It just wasn't worth it anyway. I also know after several conversations that there was more motivation to this than just my attitude. There is also the fact that I was upset with the bar as they were one of those who out right refused to hold our benefit when the other bar closed. The reason? It was on a Saturday night... There was more to it, but the details are boring as it is simple fag crap (like belonging to a leather club here). It is just a shame that the gay community in this city is so vindictive toward each other and pit each other against one another. How the hell to we expect to be accepted to mainstream society, when we can't even get along with one another? And you know, it's all about how much money these assholes can suck out of us until we say enough is enough! They didn't even support our local Gay Pride event! Need I say more??

Some good news to share... My new man and I are doing GREAT! Those three little words were finally spoken by both of us and I think it is safe to say now that I am in love again. In the two months we have been dating, I have been treated the best I have in several years and am happy to say that things are working out real well. I think being friends for 5 - 6 years before we started seeing one another helped out a good deal. We have discussed the fact that I am positive and he is not. We are both smart enough to know how to make sure that I do not give this to him, and he has no problems with this. He did express concerns about what others might think. When I asked him what he felt about that, he said that no matter how crazy people thought he was, it didn't make any difference about how he feels and that he would not even worry about it. I have had concerns about how people will react to him, and will stand by him no matter what he faces, and believe me, people can be ugly to one when this comes up. I don't think it will be a problem for us. He's a strong, smart, caring man and I don't think he really cares what others say or do. He is also continually making sure that I eat good, take my pills, don't overdo and all that.  He spoils me... I feel so fortunate to have this man in my life!

Some other things that are going on are keeping me quite busy. HIV/AIDS Services will begin a needle exchange program here on the 22nd of this month and I will be doing counseling/testing for them. I am also in the beginning stages of forming a social/support group here. I have talked with the WINGS group in Detroit that I was dealing with when living there and we are expanding that group over here. I am also still helping answer the PWA support line and continue to do my 7 web sites. The house hunt is still going, and I have had no luck there at all. I am still very involved with the state's PWA task force and that keeps me going daily as we continue to find new ways to help PWA's living in Michigan. I think that's about it for this time. Hope all of you are doing well and that you are happy! Until next time...

September 27 - Already over a month! Man how time is flying this year! I have been keeping myself quite busy here in Grand Rapids. The most recent being my move into my new man's house. His sister is really the one who pushed this as she saw how good we were together and how much of a pain in the ass it was for us to continue on going back and forth between his place and mine. She also loves my dogs and thinks that is an added benefit. (She lives with us by the way, but will be moving to her boyfriends as soon as she works that out. No problem there! She is GREAT!) It is a slow process as we need to get stuff he and she has out of the way to make room for all the crap I have. Yard sale here we go! The pups love it here too as they no longer have to be tied up to go out. There is a kennel on the side of the house with dog house and all. They still get the occasional walk as I need the exercise as much as they do.

Things with my man and I are going well. There are a few bumps along the way, but we'll work through them. I am going to look into some counseling as I think help getting me past the fact that he is negative is needed. He is so sexual and I am so scared that one of these times I am going to infect him, that I back off and then he takes it personal. We have had several discussions about this and he tells me he isn't worried as we use a condom every time, but of course that does nothing for that ghost in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me of it. What's worse is that most of the time that ghost pops up right in the middle of sex and I loose it, if you know what I mean. I refuse to let this ruin this relationship. I love this man too much for that. I need to do something! So I think some outside help might just be good. I also think that maybe he needs to realize that sex isn't so important. I mean really! I have many ways of expressing my love and try to do so all the time. Just because something pops up doesn't mean you must, right? Besides, I don't want it to be a routine, constant thing and then possibly dread it because it happens so much. I want it to be special. Is that too much to ask? I think not, but I could be wrong.

I have also been busy with my volunteer work. A new needle exchange started here and I am doing HIV testing/counseling for that. I also started a new agency here to meet the need for social opportunities that were going unmet. It is called GR-WINGS. It is a Positive Social Opportunities Network so that people living with, or affected by HIV can get together for support and social activities with others who deal with the same issues they do every day. It has started off OK, and I think once the word gets out that this is available, it will surely take off.

On the health scene, things are going pretty well. I have even gained some weight back and the nutritionist said it was all muscle according to the test she runs. This is great news as I was beginning to worry! I had gotten down to 138 and was about as skinny as a bean pole. Thanks to my man's good cooking and my determination, something is working! I am, however, having a MAJOR problem with warts now and they are popping up everywhere. I have had 7 on my right hand alone and have had a few frozen off (two of them three times as they kept coming back!), but got tired of my hand looking like hell from it, so I am waiting on the four remaining until a later date. The one that really bothers me is the one between my toes. Can you imagine? I am not sure what the dermatologist will want to do with that one when he sees it. Makes me quiver to think he may want to freeze that one. Can you say pain? Hopefully there will be a simple solution to this.

December 20 - Well, we are close to the end of another year. Myself, I am preparing for my trip to FL with my man and I hope we have a good time over the holidays. I am sure we will. Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but needed to make sure some things were looked into first before I told you here. (Seems I am always sorry for late updates.... <g>) Anyway, I went in for a C/T of my stomach as the doc felt lumps there when I visited him last and we want to find out what it is. He believes it is the lining of the stomach that has developed pockets and things get stuck in there and become abscessed (There is a name for it and I will attempt to spell it... divorticulitus). We are keeping our fingers crossed that it is not more than that and I will update you when we find out. Have been in terrible pain the last few months due to it and they finally gave me some relief in the form of darvocet and it seems to be working pretty well. For now... I will know more after I return January 9th. T-cells went down and the viral load went up on the last blood work, but we are waiting until the next draw before we start to worry about this as this can happen on occasion due to what else might be going on inside me at the time they took the blood and how that can affect the counts.

Here are some thoughts on my year in the great world of 2000. I have finally come to terms with myself and the fact that I can take this illness and do good with it, I just need to pace myself and not let things get too personal. I need to know when to back down and let someone else carry the weight for a while. I also determined that I will never again offer my services to my country. The Navy didn't work out and then when I tried to give my time to them through AmeriCorps, I was penalized and that is not right. So, never again. I have also realized that I can truly be happy with a man. There is that one person out there and I finally found him and can be happy again. I just need to make sure that I don't screw this one up. He's a blessing in disguise and I still can not understand why he loves me when I carry this bug within me, but I no longer question it, I just let him be him and love me. I love him for who he is, so I guess it goes both ways. <g>

I hope your year has been as good as mine has been, and I hope you too are truly happy. May spirits be with you through the next year and may we all live to see another in good health. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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