January 31, 2001 - The new year started out with a bang! Let me begin by filling you in on the trip to Florida. We left here on the Thursday before Christmas and it took us 4 hours to get out of Michigan and to the Indiana border (we were meeting up with family to continue on with the trip). We ended up driving through a blizzard! Once we hit the Indiana border, the roads were clear and the snow stopped... just like that! When we picked up the rest of the travelers, we gained a rider. No on bothered to say the boy was sick for the previous two days... He ended up throwing up in the car and all over himself, and, he of course shared this bug with me and everyone else on the trip. Needless to say, it hit me hard with the stomach problems I was already having and I was puking and had massive diarrhea all the next day. I tried to contact my case manager to get the antibiotics they wanted to start me on before I left, but that was like spitting in the wind. Fortunately, I was feeling better then next day, which was Christmas and the day we were supposed to spend at Disney. I tell you this... I will NEVER go to Disney on a holiday again! The place was packed and the people were ungodly rude! My partner and I did have a good time in spite of all that. The next day, I started up with the bug all over again. Took me about three days to really get over it.

We spent the next week with the family and visiting all those great Florida tourist spots. Then it was time for some of them to go and my partner and I were on our own except for Ma and Pa. So we explored our side of Florida by going to Tampa for the New Year's weekend. We stayed near the Suncoast Resort and went there for our New Years Eve celebration. But not before we went to Treasure Island and did a little romantic champagne toast to the last sunset of the year 2000. The next week was spent with Ma and Pa again as we don't see to much of them up here, and we finished out the trip with a weekend in Orlando at the Parliament House.

When we got back to Michigan, things went to the dogs... I got home to a note that my sister called... A girlfriend of mine, Becky Peck,  from high school (Yeah, I really had a girlfriend and Becky was one I stayed with the longest.) had passed away. That was a shocker... and no real reason was given as to what happened. When I called her to talk about this, she proceeded to tell me that my mother had collapsed on New Year's eve. Her blood pressure medicine had dropped her b/p way to fast and was going up and down way too much and way too fast. She is on a new medicine now and it is working much better. She then proceeds to tell me that my father was diagnosed with another tumor, this time it was in his belly and was the size of a golf ball. The cancer was also in his blood system and they told us he had about a year to live. They wanted to start him on chemotherapy and try to shrink the tumor as it was blocking his intestines and he couldn't eat. After the second treatment, he started to dehydrate and was becoming quite disoriented. It got so bad that my step-mother took him into the ER where they found he had no white blood cells left, hence, no immune system. This was on Sunday. On Monday, they gave us hopes that he was coming around from being dehydrated, but couldn't figure out what the disorientation was about. Later that evening, an infection finally reared it's head and showed itself in the kidney's. By this time it was too late, and Dad quit fighting. He passed away that night, January 15, 2001.

Needless to say, I was not at all please with the way my year was starting. Now I get a phone call from my case manager. She tells me that the cat scan was "not impressive". I asked what that meant as to me, this is a negative. She said the doc found nothing, and me getting frustrated said "Well, then what the hell is going on?" to which she replied "You don't have to cuss at me..." and the conversation went downhill from there. It ended by me hanging up after she put me on hold. A few minutes the doc calls back himself and states that there were no noticeable signs of diverticulitis, but he wanted to start me on antibiotics anyway. He also told me that a cyst was found in my liver, which would be better left alone. (My case manager never bothered to inform me of this fact!) So I agreed and asked that the prescription be called in. I waited for an entire weekend to pick these up as I was calling the pharmacy to see if it was called in and they told me no. When I tried to contact my case manager on Monday to see why it was not called in, I found out she took vacation. I had called in refills for the HIV meds, so I went to pick them up. When I got there, I found she had called them in back in December, after I told her I wanted to wait. The scripts were old enough that the pharmacy thought I was looking for a new script.

On the following Monday, I receive a registered letter from my case manager. She was informing me that she has transferred my case to another case manager. But did she tell me who? No! I had to call the agencies director and speak to her. She wanted me to sit down with my old case manager and try to work things out, but I felt it was getting a bit to personal and my health was in jeopardy so I told her I thought that a transfer was best. I was given to someone else and have had good luck in the past week so far. I took the augmentin and it did nothing to stop the stomach problems, so according to the doc's wishes, my next step with that will be a colonoscopy. Hopefully they can figure out what is causing all this pain in my stomach when I go in for that IN MARCH. I can't believe they are making me wait that long to get in to do this procedure, but I have no choice in the matter. I also had a bone scan done as I saw an article in HIV Plus magazine which explained about some HIV patients developing a problem with the joints deteriorating after being on the new "cocktails" for long periods of time and I was still experiencing pains in the shoulder and arm after 4 years of therapy. Once again, the test came back negative.

Now, yesterday, I woke up at 4:30 in the morning screaming. It felt as if someone had a knife and was stabbing my shoulder. Upon further looking, we noticed that a bone was showing a point where one shouldn't be and I called my case manager as soon as the office opened. She had me come in to see the new Nurse/Practitioner and she had an x-ray done. She thinks I may have fractured this bone and it is now just showing up. I am supposed to find out about that today, but as she said, there is nothing they can do but give me pain meds and immobilize it for a while.

Heck of a way to start a new year, but thank spirits I am still here....

March 15 - After a VERY recharging weekend at the 3rd annual MI PWA Task Force Retreat, I am ready to charge into work again. I had a wonderful time and it gave me the energy to continue on with what I know I must do. I found these interviews interesting and it gives a good indication of what some of us are doing up here to make life a bit better for those of us living with HIV. Take a look for yourself!

With dad's passing behind me, and my health problems FINALLY being address, things seem to be mellowing out once again. I filed a formal grievance at my health care providers office on February 19th due to the lack of health care you read about above. After 4 weeks of explaining to them what I was grieving (DUH!!) they finally sat down with me and my mother this last Tuesday. (I brought mom along so I would have someone there on my side as it was them against me at that point.) After being given a bunch of excuses, and asking if those excuses would allow me to put the issues in the past, I hope the problems will be resolved. I have a new case manager who seems at this time to be doing her job and my needs are being met. I do feel, however, that this agency totally failed in making me comfortable about what happened and that what happened to me in the past will not happen again to someone else. I also feel that my previous case manager should offer an apology for the way she neglected my health and treatment, but if I hold my breath waiting for it, I would most likely suffocate! I did apologize to her for being so frustrated about the problems that I offended and abused her (her words) on the last phone conversation we had as I really was upset when we spoke. I also tried to explain that frustration to her and why I was getting so upset, but she cut me off again stating "I don't wish to continue this conversation either." I guess she has to live with herself, so I won't let it bother me too much. I will be speaking with the agency director once more before I feel this is over and I will express how I feel to her when I do. This is inexcusable treatment and I will not let this agency act this way toward their clients.

The stomach problems are being considered Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I have to change my diet for 3 weeks and have been given another pill to take to relax the colon muscles. If this is not cleared up in the 3 weeks, I will have to go in for a colonoscopy to see what else they can find. If this treatment does work, we will begin to wean back in some of the foods they are stopping me from eating to see what it is that I eat which causes the bowl to act up. I will continue to see the nutritionist monthly to monitor the muscle loss that we still are having trouble with.

As far as the pain in the joints and arm, I am told I have arthritis in the left knee which is causing the pain there. The doctor believes that the shoulder and neck pain may be caused by bursitis in my right shoulder and has referred me to an orthopedic doctor to look into taking care of this. He also upped the pain pill to a once a day, stronger medicine as the Wygesic was not working. This one seems to numb the pain enough to be bearable, which is the best it has been so far.

Other news is that I have been accepted on the local HIV council as a voting member. This means that I sit in at the regional level to help make funding decisions for the Ryan White Care Act funds and such for local HIV care and prevention. I really appreciate the local councils utilizing the PWA community and letting those they serve help and tell them how things really are living with this virus.

I am now starting to focus my attention on AIDSWatch 2001 which will start to occupy most of my time until May. I hope this finds you all well and happy!

April 26 - Today, I am an Uncle once again! Stephanie Lynn Dykgraaf was born at 4:20 AM. She is a beautiful 9lb, 4oz. babe. And I was fortunate enough to be there in the birthing room this time. What an experience. After spending several of the past few days at the hospital not wanting to be there, this was a VERY pleasant change. (Grandma fell at 91 and broke her femur right at the hip, so I have been visiting.) I am so proud of my sister too. She did it natural without pain killers (not by choice as she got there a little too late for that). I don't know how, as that looks like it REALLY hurt! My hat's off to you ladies, cause I couldn't do it. But I was here, and everyone is doing just fine. I say I was here because I was in Florida and Virginia when the other niece and nephews were born. Boy, what a great feeling!

Anyway, enough of me bragging on about Steph, as I am sure I will have more to say about her later. I need to let you know the latest developments with my health. I have stopped my meds after going on a that diet I mentioned last time. After three weeks of this diet, with no change in the stomach area, and reading a piece from a Pharmacy which stated that every med I was taking was causing stomach problems in many patients. This was about 2 weeks ago and MAN what a difference! The cramps are gone and so is the eating problems. I am doing much better. So, the next time I see the doctor (in July), we will be discussing either new meds, or how long of a break I will be taking on these. I did not go to the orthopedic surgeon either due to the fact that the bursitis hasn't flared up too much either since stopping my meds and my Case Manager screwing up the appointment dates and me going a day early. What a waste of time!

Speaking of my Case Manager, I believe that the grievance issue will go unresolved. All I continue to get is excuses as to why this happened to me. I have not gotten any apology and no written answer to my grievance. So, I will be taking this to the next level and involve the local HIV council (the agency fiduciary) and the statewide PWA Task Force to try to get this agency to admit an error. That is all I ask. Is that they admit they were wrong and state so with an apology from the old Case Manager for the treatment I received. Seems simple as they even admitted in the meeting we had when Mom was present that they were wrong. Until I do receive one, I can not feel comfortable in believing that this agency will no longer treat their clients as they did me. I will also continue to believe until shown otherwise by their actions of collaboration that they did this to me because I started the GR-WINGS group and brought several issues to them that people were bringing to that meeting. Well, I am sorry. As a Task Force representative in this region, it is my duty to advocate for PWA's when there are problems and I will not stop doing that until the day I am no longer here or a representative. And it better not jeopardize my health care ever again!

The Task Force has me busy once again as we are beginning our second cycle of Regional Community Forums (a link about these forums is available on their site). I am coordinating two here in Region 5. One for the general region 5 PWA community and a second which will focus specifically on the Hispanic community. We also will be doing another specific forum focused on the deaf community as we fell this is an underserved PWA population which needs to be heard from. This on top of me doing AIDSWatch in a week and a half. So I am on the go.

Other than that... Some more good news. My man and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary on June 2nd and we have decided to hold a commitment ceremony. I am very excited and please that we are doing this as I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have been the happiest in the last year than I could have ever imagined 15 years ago when I was diagnosed (Can you believe it? 15 years...). I can't let this one get away! <g> More updates next month!

May 1 - Today I am greatly saddened at the loss of my Grandmother. She was 91 and suffering terribly with Osteoporosis and arthritis, and of course the fall mentioned last time. She did make long enough to know the baby was born, but I am not sure if she got to see her or even know that she was there. Hospice had her pretty well sedated at the time. They moved her back to the nursing home last Friday to make her comfortable. Even knowing that she is better off being with my dad and grandpa, I am still deeply saddened.

May 17 - I had a visit with the nutritionist yesterday and was told that my lean body mass (my muscles) has increased. This is good news. Since I have QUIT SMOKING(!) and stopped my meds, I am eating like a pig and it is doing some good. Now I wait until next month to have blood drawn so the doc can tell me in July how my numbers are. I still have no resolution to my complaint, so I will be looking into taking this further and filing a grievance with the local HIV council who funds this agency, as well as the MI PWA Task Force who will keep tabs on what is happening.

AIDSWatch 2001 went extremely well for us visiting from Michigan. 5 PWA's (persons with AIDS) went this year (and for those two who did not make it, I wish you better health next time so you can come!) and all of those in attendance had an appointment with there respective Congressperson and Senators. The meetings went well, but then, why wouldn't they? The House and Senate are so close this year, they are all willing to sit down and discuss issues with you as they want to make sure they don't loose more seats next time around. But don't let my sarcasm mislead you. It really did go well in my opinion. We got committed support from every office to look at increases in funding when appropriations are discussed. And if those members were not on these committees, they said they would talk to their peers to discuss these increases. I was very pleased. We also got to me Ms. Stabenow, and got our picture taken with her which I am trying to get so I can share it with you. She seemed real nice and was definitely supportive of the mission of AIDSWatch, which did not surprise me in the least. That is why I voted for her!!

Not much else happening other than these upcoming Community Forums in June. They should go pretty smooth. I am also pleased that spring is here and summer is not too far behind, as the boys are starting to play outdoors again and out first "run" is this weekend with Nimbus. Should be a great time as I had a real good time last year and it is my man's 1st time to this event. I may update you later... <g>

June 15 - Whoa man it got hot here! Been 3 days now of heat and humidity. You'd think I was back in the south. But, it is supposed to cool down tonight so the weekend will be nice.

I am a married man now. Not that it is recognized by my country or anything, but at least we know that we have pledged our lives together in front of spirit, friends and family. It happened on June 2nd and my husband and I could not be happier. Not that things have changed any from the 1st year of being together. But the sense of making it real and forever is there and lasting! By the way, June 2nd was our one year anniversary, so it was a great day to do it. I must take the time to thank my dearest friend Jack for the wonderful food. It was more than we expected and made the ceremony that much more pleasant. Rod & Chris, thanks for offering your place to us and opening your home to our guests. The day could not have happened without you two! Mom, thanks for the cake and being there. Not too many gay men have a family as wonderfully supportive as I do when it come to my lifestyle and illness. I hope you realize how special you are to me and how much I love you. To all of our guests, and there were plenty, we thank you for being there to support us. The brotherhood and sense of family helped make the day was really felt by all who were there. When we turned around and saw all of you there, our hearts soared with the spirits that came there to bless our day.

I went to the clinic yesterday to get my blood work done for the visit with the doc next month. I will update you with the numbers when I get them. I was FINALLY given the name of a dentist to call to see about getting in to have the worked finished in my mouth. It is the same dentist I saw before I went to Detroit, so getting in should be easy. I did, however, follow up on that grievance I filed against the clinic. After getting no response in writing from them, only the meeting I discussed earlier, and no apology from the old case manager, I decided I could not let it rest and feel comfortable not knowing what they were going to do to ensure this did not happen to someone else. So, I turned it over to their fiduciary (the local health department) and the Task Force so that they can try to get some answers. The community forum for the entire region went crappy as this, the largest case management agency, failed to promote it to their clients. We only had 7 people show up out of a 10 county region. The Task Force was not to pleased to say the least. I believe there will be even more questions asked of them now. I also believe that the state will consider adding these forums as a mandate to receive funding, being it is part of the statewide comprehensive needs assessment. It is really a shame that this agency did nothing to ensure that the voice of the community it serves was heard as far as what was working and what was not in this region. I wonder if they felt they have something to hide?

July 6 - I saw the doctor yesterday and I am not too happy with the news he gave me. The blood work showed my viral load going from undetectable up to 67,000. For those not sure what this means, the viral load is the amount of active virus (attacking the immune system and reproducing more HIV cells) in the blood stream. Also, my CD4 count has gone from 690+ to 284 (CD4 cells are your immune system cells that are the front line defense for the body to fight off infections). So what this means is that only being off of the meds for 4 months has allowed the virus to take off and start doing damage again. The doc drew more blood so we can do what is called a Genotype on my blood to determine which HIV medications will work best for me and which ones my strain of HIV has mutated from and are no longer affective for me. I see him again on August 2nd to view the test results and possibly make some decision on which new regimen to try this time. I had s feeling that this would be the news as I could feel my body getting tired again like it did back in '95 when I got my AIDS diagnosis.

Of course, the stress at home is not helping this matter any either. My husband and his sister (who lives with us) started out 15 years ago buying this house and although his name is not on the deed, he has paid for half. From what I gather, she has held this house over his head for most of this time and she cam home a couple of weeks ago with a bug up her ass and went off on him. When I piped up as asked them to stop, I was told that if I did not like it that I should just get the f**k out of her house. This only heightened the discussion and of course, if I was being booted, my hubby was coming with me. This freaked her out, and they sat down and talked about the issues that were taking everyone to the max stress level and the decision was made to stay here and she would be more mindful of her moods and how she addressed issues of the house. I told them both to leave me right the hell out of it! I pay my rent, and my bills, on time, every month and I do not need to be in the middle of their issues. I also told my husband that this WILL not happen again and if it did, we were GONE! I am tired of it. Well, she topped that this Monday.

We get home from a nice evening on a friends sail boat (thanks bud, it was VERY nice!) to find she had returned from Indiana with her nephew (She had gone to FL to pick up mom and bring her up for a visit.). She says she told Dan that this was going to happen but he must not have heard her and neither one of us were prepared for this. He slept in the room next to us and there is no door between the rooms. He's just 18 and has been trouble to other family members (things like stealing and lying) and quite the lazy boy. There are a whole lot of issues with him and most of them are not any of his fault. It was his upbringing, or should I say lack of it? Anyway, she then proceeds to tell me, not my hubby, that she has plans to move him in here. Now, let me start out by stating that she is STILL supposed to be moving to Baldwin with her boyfriend once she find a job up there. I can't believe she is making plans for  my hubby and I to have him living here. And I don't even think she has talked to the nephew about it. Where the hell is he going to sleep? And I over heard her telling his mom she was only going to charge him $20 a month for rent (to show him some responsibility...) and that was it. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in taking care of family, but not feeding and paying their bills when they are TOTALLY capable to take care of themselves... I could probably rant on about this issue more, but I am tired of it. I just hope this works itself out, or we will continue our plans to find our own place and move, which neither one of us want to do. For now, we go away a lot more and make sure we have plans most of the time. If not, we are left here with him, sitting around doing nothing, because my hubby feels bad that he is sitting here by himself while sis goes up to her boyfriends for the weekends. (She even left him sitting here on the 4th even though SHE brought him here and actually told him she would be back for fireworks that night... Not...) Can you tell how over this situation I am? Feel the stress??

Enough! On to better things. A trip to Detroit to visit friends this weekend and a camping trip next weekend... A lot to look forward to! I love it when my summer is filled with days being spent with friends!

August 9 - I started new medication this week. The genotype test showed that I am responsive to all medications, which shocked me. But that is a good thing as it means that I can take any HIV medicine and it should work for me. After much discussion with my doctor, we decided that I would try the new one pill, twice a day medicine that just came out. It is called Trizivir and is a three drug combination pill containing AZT, 3TC and Abacivir. I have taken AZT and 3TC before, so I was not too concerned taking them again now as they have adjusted the dosage and they are not so toxic now. Abacivir is new to me however and as long as I don't have a hypersensitive reaction to the drug, it should be OK for me too. Now we wait and check the blood often to make sure no liver damage occurs and monitor my CD4 and Viral Load to see how it works. I am just shocked though... One pill twice a day! SWEET!

Not too much has changed on the home front. The nephew is still here, but was told he would be returning home this weekend. I will cross the fingers... I am not sure it will make things any better here though, as my man and his sister are still at odds and I am not sure if it is fixable anytime soon. Maybe this is for the best, being we are not sure now when she will be moving out to go live with her boyfriend, which was supposed to happen MONTHS ago. I am going to look into my VA benefits to see if a VA loan might be a possibility, but with my credit and my income from SSDI, this may be a long shot. But, I have to try. Things here have GOT to change.

I celebrate my 38th birthday in two days. Actually surprised to have made it this far! I will be spending the day camping with the hubby and a bunch of guys from a local leather club, so it should be a great time. Hope this finds all of you well and happy.

October 16 - Well, 38... And I am still here. Maybe I will make it to forty after all!! (Just kidding, I know I will!) But 38 hasn't started out too great! Although we did finally get rid of the nephew, things with the sister haven't gotten better yet. I think my man and I are going to take a different approach to the situation and look into taking care of ourselves. I will update you on that as soon as things get finalized.

I wrecked my Blazer last month. I pulled out from an intersection in the rain and did not see the other car who had ran a red light. Got me right in the drivers side and hit me so hard that he broke the back axel off. Snapped the tire, brake housing and all right off and sent it flying in one piece across a parking lot next to where he hit me. "But I was only doing 30 MPH", he said. Yeah RIGHT! AND I GOT THE TICKET!! So I have been stuck here at the house, missing some very important work I wanted to do (like becoming Case Management certified!). I will hopefully have a truck this weekend as I have found someone who wants to get rid of a vehicle and will work with me to buy it.

Let's get to the health update. I have been tolerating the new meds just fine and have had little side effects from them. They seem to be working as a viral load drawn on the sixth week showed the viral load going from 67,000 in July to 940. I didn't have a CD4 done yet as I have also been dealing with chronic sinus infections and a cold. We really didn't feel we would get a good reading being I was sick. I have been on antibiotics for a month and it seems to have cleared the infection up, but the headaches and draining is still there, so now I am taking Claritin-D and Rhinocort spray (a steroid) to see if we can alleviate some of those symptoms. It has not helped so far, but the doc said to give it a couple of weeks as the steroid would take that long to show signs of working.

On another health note, I was in to see the dentist having a much overdue cleaning done and he proceeds to inform me that I have a lesion on my pallet in the back. It's a small one and I have been told not to worry. I am not, but it sure seems strange that I have been dealing with the sinus problems and then all of a sudden there is a lesion in my mouth. Is this the reason I am having sinus problems? Are there lesions in my sinus' as well? Who knows, but I have to wait until the 25th of this month to see the doc to find out. And I will not stress on it as it will not do any good anyway. It is probably nothing anyway as everything else seems to happen that way with my health. They can never find out what is wrong when I present a problem, so why start finding something now, right?

On a lighter note and on the social side, my man and I have decided to pledge into a leather group here in town. They are called Nimbus Michigan and are a great bunch of men that we have known and have fun with quite often. We felt like part of the group already, so it was only natural to join the club. Wish us luck! We have at least 4 months to prove our "worthiness".

December 19 - I can not wait for this year to be over! 2001 has got to be the worst year I have ever experienced in my 38 years on this earth. (So far...) With all that has gone on in the rest of the world and me losing my dad and grandma, I guess spirits decided I needed to have something rotten happen every month this year.

A week ago Saturday, a very dear friend of mine passed away from a massive heart attack at the young age of 37. This was a man who when he first met me was one of those who would have beat the crap out of me had he known I was gay. If it weren't for my step sister who told him six months later, I don't think he would have been as close a friend, and I would not have impacted his life the way I know I did. You see, he got to know me before he knew anything about my sexuality, and being I am not the "average" flamboyant gay man, he actually argued with everyone who told him I was until he actually heard it from my lips. I think he grew up a lot that moment and realized that things weren't always as they appear and that some of his "ideals" weren't so ideal. He once told me that he and his buddies in high school used to always go downtown on a Saturday night just to harass the "fags" at the gay bars, and a lot of times they would jump them and beat them up. He told me he regretted ever doing that once he met me. Then he found out about me being positive and we went through another change of life phase with him. I must say that I have never been as close to a man, without being in a relationship, as I was with Rich. He actually told his straight couple friends who came to the house while I was there (Which at one time was everyday as I helped his wife take care of him after a terrible accident that crippled him.) that they could not kiss and carry on while I was there because I could not do that with my partners in his house in front of others. I about fell out of the chair when I heard that come out of his mouth. He was also very protective of my feelings when others talked bad about me and would be at my back if I ever needed it. He gave me a sense of stability when no one else but his wife and my family would. I will miss him greatly and will always regret that I was not a part of his life as much as I was in the last year.

You know, this really makes me think and sometimes that is not good... You know, here I am, almost 16 years since I was told I had six months to live. In that time, I have buried a partner, a father, a grandmother and grandfather, SEVERAL very close and dear friends, aunts and uncles, my partners lost loved ones, and yet here I am, still going and still alive. There is no sense in this to me. But I thank the spirits for my continued fortune and the grace of allowing me to continue on this earth.

Thinking about all of this has also made me look at some things that have been happening in my life recently. My man's sister moving the nephew back into our home, his step-mom coming up here and ending up here for over two weeks while she contemplated leaving their dad. The financial burden and the stress and grief of taking care (literally cleaning up after, cooking for, buying food and him eating all of it up in a week) of an 18 year old boy who thinks and acts like a ten year old because his mother hasn't taken the time to raise him properly, when we weren't even asked if we wanted to. All of the pressure this has place on me and my partner. I just don't think that I am very happy at the moment and really am not sure of what to do about it. I know that this will not break us up and I know he puts me before everything else. But he is not happy right now either and I know he has no clue as to what to do. It is her house (her name is the only one on the papers) even though they both went into this with the agreement that it was all 50/50. It was her idea to have me move in here as she was supposed to be moving in with her boyfriend (who I actually think does not want her to, but tells her that to keep what he is getting if you catch my drift...). A year and a half later, here we are. What to do? What to do.

On top of all of this, I get a notice from Social Security that due to my involvement with AmeriCorps and the living allowance I received (which they consider income) that I was considered gainfully employed and was not eligible for benefits after the Trial Work Period you are allowed was over and that I had been overpaid over $5000. I had stopped working again and since I was within the 36 month time frame you are allowed, I was to continue to receive benefits as I was still disabled and unable to work. But, I had to repay them the money by March, or they would stop my checks until they had recovered the overpayment. Now you tell me, where is someone who is on disability and getting only $750 a month to live on supposed to come up with that kind of money? I have filed for a review, and will continue to get my checks until they make another decision, but oh my God! What a pain in the ass!

I know this stress is not good for me, so I hope that it is just this crappy year we have been having. And we all have been having a crappy year haven't we? Just look at September 11th, which I won't even get into as I am totally sick of hearing and talking about that. 2002 has GOT to be better that this year.

Christmas should be good this year, as we will get to spend it with both our families. The Friday after that we leave for a 10 day Florida vacation to ring in the new year. A friend of ours purchased the trip at the local AIDS auction this year and has invited us along for the ride to get us away from here. Maybe things will start to change when we get home in 2002 and the next year will be much better. I know I have decided to put my foot down around the house and make sure changes are made so that my man and I are happy and neither one of us are being taken advantage of any longer.

On a final note for 2001, I will tell you that as far as we can tell, the new drug Trizivir is working for now. The last viral load was in the 4,000's which was back up a little this time, but the CD4's have also gone up and are at 438, so we aren't too worried about that at the moment. We will monitor my counts and continue my routine as it is for now.

I hope all is well with you and wish each and every one of you a joyous holiday and a very happy new year. May God and Spirits bless us all in 2002.

Chapter 6
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