I have always written a lot. When I started using the computer to journal and write, I realized how easy it was to conceal the various members (alters). The hand writing difference was no longer a distraction and I still had the ability to free associate and just ramble on.
One evening after a stressful week I sat here just writing and writing and writing. I was attempting to sort through all that had happened throughout the week. Suddenly I felt as if I were in touch with the core. Since I struggle to divulge her real name, I will call her Myself (that is what she calls herself anyway).
Others may not realize the importance of this conversation. However, it was like a monumental break through in internal cooperation. After this discussion I learned to be more conscious of what was happening around me, to be more assertive and reduce so much confusion.
So on we wrote.
Myself, it sounds like you have been silencing some of the things that I want and need to say for you. For instance, you truly don’t like to have my friend here, do you? I am going to change fonts for you so you can answer in your own style and words. (The actual font I had picked for her was
Lucinda Handwriting. I will use Comics Sans MS for her now.)A little bit different, but almost good. Sort of fancy, but it is different. This is hard for me. I would rather write it on paper. I just want to say that I really just want to be alone. I don’t want to be with your friend or anybody's. I want to sleep. I want to curl up on the couch and just watch TV with [husband]. You want me to admit to something I don’t understand. I can hear you saying that it will help me be happy if I admit that I am a or THE Silencer. I really really don’t think that is me. It’s someone else, just like you are someone else and not me. I do admit that I wish I were you always and I guess I believe that I made you so that my wish could come true. But that was so long ago that I can’t remember.
Tell me about it now. I can hear you reminding yourself of that moment. I can hear you wishing real hard. Does this happen today, still?
No it doesn’t still happen today. It feels like now you run away and don’t answer when I wish. Instead of feeling like I’m going to feel happy I start feeling like I am going to be mad. All I can think about is that no one will stop it and everyone is so mean, but I can’t be mean no matter what. Today I felt this way and remembered that Dr. C was on a vacation, so I was very careful not to cry and worry about how I was feeling. Really what I was feeling was that I wish I was dead or that I wanted to cut my arm. Well that was after feeling like I needed to stop and scream at the person who was being mean to me and not being able to because someone would think I was a bad person for saying how I feel.
Did you know that Dr. C is in a class, not on vacation? He’s learning some new skills that will help him help other people. Anyway, are you willing to listen to what we think happened today? If we talk about it, then we will both learn something. See, a lot of times I don’t understand some of the feelings I have unless I can work them through. And I find that the only way I can work them through is by figuring out where they are coming from.
I know where they are coming from. My stomach, my heart and my head. I feel like I am in a whirl wind and don’t have any control of how I feel. The only way I can stop these feelings is saying over and over I’m not going to worry about it, I’m not going to worry about it.
Kind of like wishing for me, huh? Actually, if we’re being honest here, I have to admit that I do the exact same thing. Guess what happens? That overwhelming feeling you get in your heart starts to lift and you find that your breathing becomes deep and you begin to believe and then finally admit that you’re not worrying any more. When you wish hard enough for me or when you repeat that you’re not going to worry anymore, over and over, what happens?
I don’t know. I guess I kind of forget for a while. Well sometimes, I do forget for a long time and then all of a sudden I start worrying again. I don’t know.
Myself, I feel like I’m writing to someone across the internet or something. It feels kind of funny, and at the same time, kind of exciting. Mostly because I haven’t talked to you this much or this way, ever. Plus I feel like I’m beginning to know you. I want to tell you some other things too. It kind of just dawned on me that when I am on the internet, you get upset sometimes with what I write and what I read. I just want you to know that this is between us and Dr. C, if you don’t mind, so it’s not like we are telling the world what’s on our mind. (Because we are so blended--2001--we do have an agreement that this is okay to share since it might help others.)
But what I wanted to tell you was sometimes I make you feel bad and I honestly don’t mean to. I do the same to the others too, like Kathrine. What I’m trying to say is that I personally have a hard time understanding that people are not treating me well. It really goes over my head. Today, I had to get some information from So And So. She’s that lady that said some mean things to me last August.
I really really really need to apologize to you and then figure out how to stop this from happening in the future. We think we figured it out, but you need to listen to the plan and understand something. Mar and Kathrine both had their input. Kathrine has good intentions at heart. She’s the one that wants to scream at people when you and me are mad or should be mad!!!!!
She gets real frustrated at me, just like she was getting with you. I was listening to Mar and almost decided to go along with Kathrine and talk to So And So. But I think because I didn’t say something to So And So immediately after she said those mean things, the system kicked in.
You’re confusing me real bad and upsetting me. No body is going to stop this and help me. They are going to be mean to me forever. I heard what your boss said . He said that you should just ignore her. But no one will ever protect me. Just ignore her. Just ignore her. But it happens over and over it never ever stops.
Wait a minute. Can you hear me? I said that I know that I, me, I have a problem. I have identified a problem. Once I learn how to recognize that someone is being mean, instead of just ignoring it or letting it go over my head, I will be helping you.
How do you help me?
I need to pay more attention to the tone of voice and the meaning behind the statements of others. Like when So And So stated that my job was worthless, what she really said was that she doesn’t understand my job. She never has, and probably never will. She has problems of her own, and they aren’t ours.
So what Mar is going to do is analyze the statement, then tell me what to say, right that very minute. This way Kathrine won’t be mad at me and you won’t be hurt. Also, I guess there will be other members that help out a little, too. Something to do with thinking things all the way out and then figuring out how to deal with it.
See when these things happen everything gets chaotic and we just aren’t thinking things through. Everyone is hurt by it, not just you, but Kathrine and some of the children too. Did you know that when you feel like cutting yourself, there is a little kid making you feel this way. Next time you feel this way, can you ask who it is? Please? We think we know, but sometimes the answer we get doesn’t make any sense. Oh and you know when you repeat that you don’t want to worry any more, that is Hanna.
Please stop. I want to go to bed. I’m really tired and just want to sleep.
Okay, I’m going to stay up about ten more minutes.
So I stayed up and decided to express what I thought I had learned during the conversation. I actually wrote it in a note that I could give to my T. This was a long time ago, though I can remember it like it happened yesterday. I am thankful that we journal so much because I stumbled across this and it helped me to reflect on where I was and how much I have grown. It also helped me to sort through situations that parallel it.
On I go:
I really liked talking to Myself this way. But the problem is she doesn’t type as fast as I can and I could tell that she was getting frustrated not being able to write it down as fast as she could think it.
Actually, I think I threw her off at one point, either that or she dodged the question. The question was if she remembered creating me? And I could vividly remember kindergarten at that point. It’s really almost eerie, as if this is fate that we talked about this at this moment. The moment of someone being mean to her and how lately I haven’t been fulfilling my role to protect her from this.
Some how I feel like that was why she wished me into existence and how all my life I never ever thought that anyone was bad or mean. It’s kind of like I am really becoming aware, even if it is after the fact, that people are not treating me professionally or speaking to me in a kind voice.
Kathrine says that’s because I’m a door mat. I disagree. I think it’s because Myself didn’t want to believe that people were this cruel, therefore I can’t see it for what it is. So if you don’t mind, Kathrine, let me learn some skills about assessing the statements and how to be assertive. Calling me mean names won’t help Myself and you should know by now ( I read your journal to Dr. C) that it won’t help you. Aren’t you the one who realized that when it goes over my head you’re the one who gets angry. We can practice the theory now. If I’m a door mat, so are you. See practice.
And practice is what I still do. I am not nearly as vulnerable as I used to be and many outsiders (other people) tell me how much I have grown. It is so helpful to write, reflect and then practice using better coping skills.