Why this page? I am not sure, but believe we need to share US as we are
becoming ME.
I am Hanna, it has been so many years since I was just Hanna doing what needed to be done to cope with the situation at hand. We needed to get out of a toxic relationship. It wasn't until 2002 that I realized what this really meant. What my job meant.
I am Hanna and needed to be cold, empty of any feelings that the other members [parts of Myself] had. The feelings, thoughts and everything else was conflicting since no one knew what the other was really doing. All there was a great fear and a great love. A need to run and a need to stay. I need to get out of a toxic relationship.
We want to look back and believe that had we not been multiple the toxic relationship would not have been toxic. Being dissociative does not make toxic relationships: The proof is being in other non-toxic relationships. Some people, when paired, are toxic. No blame, the past is gone.
Back then I created a cold gray iron door that was locked so tightly that the conflicting feelings, thoughts and everything else was sealed safely out of reach. No longer could Myself be manipulated into believing she was bad one moment and good the next. No longer could Myself feel needed and valuable, and then the next moment feel so worthless that the garbage man wouldn't even pick her up to dispose of her.
I can see what led up to my new career as the cold one and I can see how my job has changed over the years. I can now see things I never saw before and a future that is really worth sharing.
Long time ago I stood in the hallway in my home and said, "I do not love you." I didn't say, I hate you and I love you. It was very clear that I said exactly what had to be said and found no reason to explain why. The cold gray steel door closed off the feelings and everything that was within the mind. It kept away the conflicting battle that kept me stuck in a place that was unpredictable and dangerous. I didn't know at the time that there were conflicting thoughts. I didn't know at the time that there were conflicting emotions. I knew only of the icicles that hung from my heart. I knew only that I didn't want the life I was in and needed a way to get through it until I had a new one.
As the years rolled on I felt worry. I felt the conflict within my body and within my thoughts. I new I had a job to do without being told. "Every thing will work out fine" I would say, "as long as I can turn off all of this conflict." And so it happened that the coldness numbed those parts and every thing would subside. I can see how I reacted to outsiders and how I felt within.
"There really isn't any thing to worry about, there isn't any thing to talk about, every thing works out for the best." I just knew it. For a moment I would struggle with the hatred people felt towards a part of Myself. For a moment I would struggle with the burden of blame, of pity, of all the confusion that caused the need for a warm and colorful comforter. I can't say that I actually felt the icicles, or the warmth that now comes to me as melting butter. As a matter of fact, all I can say I actually felt was nothing.
A deep breath brought the peace necessary to survive just one more day. To the outside world there would be no understanding of what it was that I was needed for. Even today, it would seem like nonsense to be cold and oblivious to the daily mundane life. But so it was that I was needed and I examine what life could have been without my help.
Today I feel so much more alive because I am needed once again. It came to light when the therapist asked who was the opposite of the one who deals with life through self-harm. It was me that came to talk about my methods. How this happens is a mystery, but the question was answered with my presence. The therapist listened as I spoke of how I saw the world. I told him of the imagery I see and use, which helps me to concentrate on keeping my mind clear of overwhelming worry and fear.
Self discovery, I see, is interesting. I never thought of myself as any thing other than the worry-stopper. I never thought of myself as any thing other than someone who needed to conceal the feelings that would cause the fire of rage or the salt of tears to flood. I thought of myself as if I were a cotton ball. I don't know, something soft and fluffy, that is all. But the therapist wondered about my imagery and I wondered what would happen to it if I didn't write it down.
Today my mind sees the ability to draw and paint. My mind sees the ability to do such beautiful things. It doesn't come out though. So for the moment I am going to describe what it was like as my job progressed from being part of a toxic relationship to living in an overwhelming society.
The radio is distracting, the internal voices are arguing again. The traffic is heavy, I can't get where I need to be and every thing is feeling like a burden. All of the events that occurred throughout the week are now flooding every sense. The voices, the places, the thoughts, the questions.... everything. I imagine chicken little running around screaming "the sky is falling, the sky is falling." I'm not sure where that came from, but realize that is how all of this is starting to feel and if I don't think of something else I am going to be crushed.
Now nothing is there. The peace of it all reminds me of a place of nothingness, where only those who feel peace as I do get to venture off. Of course, I didn't think that at the time.... it just was. I was peaceful and I felt nothing and seemed to think nothing. What I did at the time was to take charge. I maneuvered through the traffic, I found a different way. I said the heck with anyone who could cause the sky to fall. I said the heck with anyone who could take my peace and attempt to control me with their meanness. I don't exist except in this peaceful world and will do what I need to protect Myself from getting worked up about--what, I don't know.
And so it went. I am not overwhelmed, I am not scared, I am numb and nothing. All of this is good and fine. It dawns on me today as I reflect on my imagery that there is more. There is happiness and fulfillment that I never knew existed. As I look through my imagery within my mind I see a connectedness with other members that I don't remember ever knowing.
I finally feel as though I am part of the bigger picture and can see how my imagery represents all of the safe things and places this person, Myself, discovered long ago. Each part of Myself focuses on something that helps them feel grounded when they start flashing on what was then.
Follow me as I discover the http://home.comcast.net/~riversrages/safeplaces.htm"> safe places and the things that kept the members grounded.