Chenoa asked the following question and we had a good conversation about co-consciousness that I would like to share.
I'm just curious - has anyone else ever felt like they were a chameleon? Changing to fit the circumstances, or situation, or just to be what everyone expected to see?
I am still a chameleon. When I officially learned that I was multiple I was both scared and thankful. I didn't believe it. How could I believe it when the major issue was insecurity and confusion?
Part of me believed that we just couldn't keep up a charade that we were successful any longer. Another part of me was thankful because it explained so much ~ like being successful and insecure at the same time.
There is always co-consciousness in one form of another within my system. When a member who is too insecure, or too aggressive is in a situation, I end up taking control. But because I am not alone, I am very much aware of what I am doing. I can sense how phony I "think" I am.... outsiders may not actually notice, but I do feel like a chameleon. Emily
I'm also glad to hear that you have the co-consciousness, because I have that too, which has made it even harder to "accept" the dx.
You are also the first person I've heard speak of co-consciousness. In everything I've ever read, people with mpd (or did) always had black-outs. What a relief to know that this (co-consciousness) can happen. I had black-outs frequently when younger, but now I have the feeling at times that I am not in the driver's seat, even though I have an awareness of what is going on around me. Chenoa
Like you we had "black-outs" or losing time more so when we were younger. Even after many years of therapy we lost time.... but it became easier to recall what occurred during that time because of internal communication.
If we are not present we can quickly recall (get the information) from the one who experienced that moment. It is in our memory, but sort of out of the normal thought process, so to say. Once we recall the information we almost always, especially if it is ordinary stuff, make it our own memory.
We still lose time--not very often--only when it is extremely stressful or something is off kilter. We ended up in the hospital due to loss of time. We did and said some things that scared my T. I gained control (the next morning) but did not have access to what happened. I had to process a lot of information I was not ready for. I know now and have open communication with that member. Emily
Someone asked if any one else thinks that they did better before they knew they were DID.
I go back and forth with this. Right now.... I know I am doing much better than I was....
I have gone through times when I was absolutely sure I did better prior to the dx because then I didn't experience feelings at all. I "thought" it was normal to be how I was. But, now, it a clear state of mind, I reflect back on what my life was like prior.
I didn't have joy. I didn't know what it was or how it felt. I was miserable. I had medical records, which I actually just burned, showing how physically sick I felt. There was no explanation for any of it. I spent a lot of time in the emergency room because of terror and pain that was actually probably body memories. I was oblivious to what was going on inside and outside of me. Other members suffered while I walked numbly through it all.
As myself, as Emily, I have tons of hope and ride with it. As Myself and others.... I wish on one hand I didn't know because it hurts emotionally to know what I hurt from physically. Emily
