A Second Chance? part 1Author: Rorie Rating: PG-13 ARLINGTON NAT'L CEMETERY She stood and watched as a tall man with dark hair in Navy dress blues stood with a young girl with golden curls in a forest green dress stared at the coffin waiting to be lowered into the ground. All of the other mourners had already left, only the two remained. She could hear the wind whistling through the trees, and a small voice, "Daddy, is Mommy in Heaven now? Is she an angel? Can she see us?" "Yes, Lauren, she's in Heaven and she'll always be watching out for us." She heard to catch in the man's voice and she wanted to go and comfort him, but would it be appropriate? She hadn't seen him in so long... But it hurts to see him in so much pain. Lt. Col. Sarah MacKenzie thought to herself as she watched Cmdr. Harmon Rabb, Jr., and his daughter walk away from the grave of their wife and mother. Mac walked over to the grave where the cemetery workers were lowering the coffin covered in flowers into the hole before covering it in dirt. They stepped away when they noticed the woman coming towards the grave. She read the name on the temporary marker, "T. C. Rabb, April 20, 2004." Theresa... She knew who's grave it was before she even read the marker... she had seen the funeral notice in the paper that morning. She had debated long and hard with herself about coming to the cemetery today...she wanted to see Harm in the worst way, but she wasn't sure if he would want to see her. She finally decided to come but stay away from the funeral. LT. COL. SARAH MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT That evening, Mac sat on her living room sofa, knees pulled up so her chin could rest on them. It was totally dark in the room, but she didn't care, in fact, she preferred it that way. She was thinking... in her mind it was five years ago... the last time she had seen Harmon Rabb, Jr... It was May, 1999. Harm came into the office, it was to be his last day at JAG. Medical science had finally found a way to reverse his type of night blindness. He had been restored to flight status. Because of this, he was being assigned to a carrier-based F-14 squadron... no more desk jobs for him. Mac was happy for him, because it was what Harm wanted... what he loved. But she was sad for herself...she couldn't imagine arriving at JAG everyday and not seeing his patented "flyboy" grin, she couldn't imagine never facing him across a courtroom again, she couldn't imagine never having any more of those late-night cram sessions at one of their apartments... That day was the day that Harm chose to tell his partner how he really felt about her. He loved her. She told him that he was her best friend, but she didn't think of him as anything more than that... she lied. I had to lie... if I had told him that I loved him, he would have had second thoughts. I couldn't let him sacrifice his dreams for me. So I broke his heart... The next thing she knew, Bud was telling her that Harm had run into Theresa Coulter again, and that they were seeing each other seriously. Then they got married...Mac was devastated inside, but outwardly, she was her usual, calm, Marine self. Last year, the Rabbs were stationed at Norfolk. Bud said they had a little girl now. Last week, according to the newspaper, Theresa Coulter-Rabb was in a car accident that killed her unborn child and left her in a coma. Two days ago, she finally succumbed to her injuries leaving behind a three-year-old daughter and a grieving husband. JAG HEADQUARTERS Mac was studying a file on her desk intently. She and Bud were scheduled to present their opening statement in court the next day, and she still hadn't come up with an angle yet. In fact, she really hadn't made much progress on the case at all. She hadn't felt right since Tuesday, people around her were starting to notice. There was a knock at the door. "Enter." "Ma'am, Admiral Chegwidden wants to see you in his office right away." P.O. Tiner said. "On my way." Mac followed Tiner to the admiral's office, Tiner knocked. "Enter." the Admiral replied. "Col. MacKenzie reporting as ordered, Sir." Mac said as she snapped to attention in the office. "At ease, Colonel." It was then that she noticed Harm sitting in one of the chairs in the office. She was stunned, she wasn't expecting him. "Have a seat, Mac." the Admiral said, motioning towards the other chair. She sat down slowly... she was dazed. "Cmdr. Rabb is returning to us. His request for reassignment to the JAG corps has been approved. I will be assigning a new partner to Cmdr. Roberts, and you, Colonel, will be working with Cmdr. Rabb again." "Aye-aye, Sir." she said, hesitantly. "I trust that won't be a problem?" "No, Sir... it's just that Bud and I are supposed to begin the Jensen court martial tomorrow." "I know, Mac... Bud will continue on that case with his new partner." "Yes, Sir." She turned to Harm, who hadn't said anything during this exchange. She couldn't tell if he was happy or upset at the prospect of being paired with her again. "Welcome back, Commander." "Thank you, Colonel." Harm replied. "That will be all, Mac." the Admiral said. Mac stood up, snapped to attention, and left the room. Walking across the bullpen towards her office, she stuck her head into Lt. Cmdr. Bud Roberts' office, the one that used to belong to Harm. "Bud?" "Come in, Ma'am." Even after all this time, Bud still wouldn't call her 'Mac.' She walked in and sat down. "Did you know that Harm was coming back to JAG?" "Yes, Ma'am. I found out on Friday. The Admiral asked that I didn't say anything until he spoke to you. I'm going to be working with Cmdr. Imes from now on." "I know, and I'm going to be partnered with Harm again." "Are you all right with that, Ma'am?" "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" MAC'S OFFICE Lt. Harriet Sims knocked on the open door before walking in. "Sarah..." Harriet no longer suffered from the affliction her husband had about informally addressing a superior officer. After all, Mac had been her maid-of-honor and was now Godmother to her son. "Yes, Harriet..." "Do you want to talk about it?" "No, not really..." "Sarah, I know this is hard for you... I know what you went through when the Cmdr. left... I know how hard it was for you to put your feelings aside and let him go and then to put your life back together without him." "Harriet..." "Sarah, I know you loved him... you still love him." "Harriet, *I* really don't want to talk about this right now... Dismissed." "Yes, Ma'am." Harriet left the room. She's right though, Sarah. You do still love him... you never stopped loving him... and you probably never will. "Shut up!" she said out loud to the voice in her head. "Ma'am?" Bud inquired as he stuck his head into Mac's office. "Huh?... Oh, Bud, not you... I was talking to myself. What can I do for you?" "Do you have the Jensen file? I'm going to need it, and Cmdr. Imes hasn't had time to look at it yet." Mac looked through the stack of paperwork on her desk and pulled out a folder and handed it to Bud. "Thanks, Colonel... It was great working with you these last couple of years... but I know that you and Cmdr. Rabb make a great team..." "Thanks, Bud... Was there anything else?" "No, Ma'am." He left Mac to her thoughts. Suddenly, the object of her musings was standing in her doorway. "Colonel, I hope I'm not interrupting..." "Of course not, Commander, come in..." "Uh, the Admiral said that he doesn't have an office ready for me yet. He'd like us to share until one is open. He said it should only be a couple of days." "No problem, Commander... you were always welcome in my office. It might be hard trying to find some space though... as you can see I've acquired some more stuff since you left." Harm looked around the space, his eyes coming to rest on a framed photo on top of the bookshelf. It was of the two of them at the NATO ball several years before. Neither of them had noticed the photographer... they were dancing, Mac had her head resting on his shoulder (or as close to his shoulder as she could get), she had a wistful smile on her face. He was smiling down at her. Harm remembered that night... it was the first night that he admitted to himself that he was in love with his partner. Annie Pendry, Bobbie Latham, Jordan Parker, even his mother, had all pointed out to him the obvious, but he always denied it to them and to himself. That night, he couldn't deny it any longer. He had wanted to tell her then, but was afraid that she wouldn't feel the same... he couldn't stand to lay bare his soul and be rejected.... As it was, when he finally told her, he was rejected. Mac followed Harm's eyes to the photograph... she had gotten so used to seeing it there, that she forgot about it sometimes. What is he thinking about? She remembered that night... the feeling of dancing in Harm's arms... wondering if he felt it, too... but scared to say anything... what if he rejected her?... she didn't think she could stand it.... Finally, he said to her what she had been longing for him to say... he loved her... but it was too late... if she let him know she loved him, he might stay... she couldn't be responsible for the death of his dream...he'd resent her for it... so she lied to the man she loved more than life. "Well, Colonel... I'll see you tomorrow..." "Okay, Commander, and I'll try to have some room for you." Harm walked out of *their* office and across the bullpen to the elevator. LT. COL. MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT It seemed lately that sitting in the dark thinking about Cmdr. Harmon Rabb, Jr., had become a regular pastime for Mac. Her thoughts seemed to wander on their own to all of the time they had spent together... The White House Rose Garden, when they met... Red Rock Mesa, their first mission together... the Appalachian Mountains being chased by poachers... Colombia... San Francisco, on the Hornet... Russia, searching for his father... doing a job for Webb at the Sudanese Embassy... Iran, going after Cmdr. Keeter... under the polar ice cap on the Watertowne... Ireland... the Coral Sea... Belleville, with his grandmother... his apartment when they thought Webb was dead... the hospital when Hamas took over... his murder trial... her murder trial... Coster stalking her... Dalton's murder... catching Dianne's killer... the kiss that came after... the list went on and on in her mind. Most of all, she wanted things to be the way they were between them before he left JAG... she wanted her best friend back. However, even from the very short time they had spent together that day, she could see that would be very hard, if not impossible. Tears ran down Mac's face... tears for what was... tears for what could have been... tears for what could never be.... RABB TEMPORARY RESIDENCE Harm sat next to the bed, watching his daughter sleep. She looked so innocent, like an angel. His mind wandered... he wondered what it would have been like if Sarah hadn't rejected him... perhaps the child sleeping in the bed would have been theirs. He quickly shook that thought out of his head... Terri had loved him... he loved her... they had had a child together and another had been on the way when fate snatched her from this world. He loved Terri... not in the same way he had loved... still loved Mac... but he loved her. These thoughts were disloyal... she hadn't even been gone a week and he was already thinking about another woman... no, not already, still... thoughts of Mac had always intruded on his life with Terri. Try as he did, he couldn't make himself hate her, or even stop loving her.... JAG HEADQUARTERS Mac was hard at work... or at least pretending to be... when Harm arrived. "Good morning, Colonel." "'Morning, Commander. I managed to find you some space." "Thanks, Mac." She looked up... Harm looked startled, he hadn't intended to use her name, it just slipped out. "You're welcome, Harm." she said with a quiet smile, more subdued than her famous "light-up-a-room" smiles she used to bestow on him. Ten minutes later, Harriet knocked on the door, "Sir, Ma'am, the Admiral wants to see you in his office." "Thanks, Harriet." Mac answered. "Thank you, Lieutenant." Harm replied. They walked quickly to the Admiral's door, Harm knocked... "Enter." The partners snapped to attention in front of the Admiral's desk. "At ease... take a seat..." A.J. said. They moved to sit down... "SECNAV called me this morning... he wants me to send my two best investigators to the Enterprise... that would be you two..." "What will we be going for, Sir?" Mac asked. "Colonel, Cmdr., last night a Tomcat flown by an experienced pilot shot down an Iraqi plane in the no-fly zone. SECNAV wants to know why... we are trying to avoid a war here, people." "What did the pilot say, Sir?" Harm asked. "He claims that the Iraqi pilot had tone on him and was preparing to fire. He claims that he fired in self-defense. His wing man saw no evidence of aggression from the Iraqi fighter. In fact, he thought it looked like the Iraqi was lost... he was alone. It's up to you two to find out who is telling the truth. The Iraqi ambassador to the UN is already calling for sanctions against us for 'an unprovocated attack' over Iraqi soil." "We'll do our best, Sir." Mac answered. "I'd expect no less of you. Tiner has all of your travel arrangements lined up, and Cmdr., Lt. Sims has said that she'll keep your daughter for you while you're on assignment." "Thank you, Sir." Harm answered. "Dismissed." "Aye-aye, Sir." Harm and Mac said in unison as they snapped to attention before turning to leave. HARM & MAC'S OFFICE "Sir, Ma'am? Here are your travel documents... you'll be flying out of Andrews at 1440 this afternoon." "Thank you, Tiner." Mac said. "Well, Commander, it seems that we're going to be taking a trip. So I'm going to head home and pack. See you this afternoon." "Good idea, Colonel. I think I'll do the same and spend some time with my daughter." FLIGHT LINE "Commander, Colonel, you just made it. We were getting ready to close the doors." a young airman said as he took Mac's bag for her. Harm and Mac followed the young man up the stairs into the plane. He showed them to their seats. "Sir, Ma'am, this trip will take about 16 hours... we'll refuel midair somewhere around Spain, and then land in Dhahran, there will be a helo waiting to shuttle you to the Enterprise." "Thank you." Harm said as the airman saluted. They returned the salute and the airman went to wherever he needed to be for takeoff. Cap. Gilman, who appears as the XO in this story, was really the XO on the Enterprise as of March 18, 1999.EN ROUTE TO DHAHRAN, SAUDI ARABIA Harm woke up suddenly, he had a crick in his legs and wanted to get up and stretch. However, he noticed that it would be quite impossible. Mac was sound asleep, her head leaning on his shoulder, as it had on many other flights that they had taken together. This feels so right... Sarah's head on my shoulder. Snap out of it, Rabb... she didn't want you, remember? Very gingerly, he moved Mac's head to the headrest of her own seat. She stirred, but didn't awaken. Harm stood up and walked down the length of the plane towards the head. He didn't notice the smile that formed on his partner's face as he left. Mac was dreaming: They were sitting on a bench in a park... there were children playing all around... a little girl ran up to them and grabbed Harm's hand, 'Come on, Daddy, push me on the swing!'... he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek... 'I'll be right back, Sarah.'... Harm pushing the swing... 'Mommy, look at me! I'm flying like in a Tomcat!'... 'I see, Baby!'... Harm returning to her on the bench... Mac woke up with a start, Harm wasn't in his seat. She was suddenly cold... Funny, I wasn't cold earlier. That's because you had Harm to keep you warm. Don't be ridiculous... Admit it, Sarah, it felt good to be sleeping with him, figuratively. All right, I admit it... it felt right to be with him... to hear his heartbeat... to feel his warmth. You're still in love with him... aren't you, Sarah? Before she could answer herself, Harm came back. "Colonel, you're awake... I didn't disturb you, did I?" Yes, you left... "No, I had a cramp." "Did you want to get up and stretch?" he asked because if she did he couldn't sit down yet. "No, thanks. It's gone now." Harm sat down in the seat... 1025 ZULU (0525 EST) Mac woke up, a smile on her face. Sometime after Harm returned to his seat, he had fallen asleep, sometime after that he had managed to put his arm around his sleeping partner. She had slept with her head against his chest, lulled by his heartbeat. Carefully, she moved his arm so that she could straighten up. After a quick stretch, she shook him awake. "Harm, wake up, there's only 1 hour, five minutes 'til we land." "Huh?" "Harm, I need to get up... gotta visit the head..." she said with a blush creeping up her neck. "Huh? Oh, sorry, Mac." he got up to let his partner out of her seat. It's almost like before he left. I wonder how long this camaraderie will last... probably until he wakes up enough to remember he hates me. Harm watched Mac as she walked down the aisle... as always, the thoughts came unbidden... what would it be like if she was his?... why did she reject him five years ago?... he had been so sure that he had seen the signs that she returned his feelings... even Harriet had said that Mac was in love with him... how could they have both been so wrong? I've got to stop thinking like this. We can't work together effectively if I can't get over my thoughts of Mac... Sarah... Five minutes later, Mac returned to her seat. "Ready to land, Colonel?" "Yes, Commander." Well, the formality is back... I guess he remembered. DHAHRAN, SAUDI ARABIA The plane touched down right on schedule. Harm and Mac were met as they disembarked by the same young airmen who had met them at Andrews. "This way, Sir, Ma'am." He led them to where a helicopter was waiting to shuttle them out to the Enterprise. U.S.S. ENTERPRISE (CVN-65) The flight and landing of the helo were uneventful. Neither partner had spoken, other than when spoken to by the pilot. They were met by a young petty officer second class. She introduced herself as PO Grace Litten and said that she was to escort them to the executive officer. She led them to the XO's office, announced them and left. Rabb and MacKenzie snapped to attention. "At ease. Colonel, Commander, welcome aboard the 'Big E.' I wish it were under different circumstances." Cap. Gilman, the XO, said. "Yes, Sir... How soon can we interview the pilots and their RIOs, Sir." Harm asked, wanting to get down to business and get this assignment over with as soon as possible. "Lt. Cmdr. Hardin and Lt. Wilson are in the air as we speak. Cmdr. Jessup and Lt. Carter are in a briefing. I'll have PO Litten take you to your quarters and then get you when the Cmdr. and the Lt. are available for interviewing." "Aye-aye, Sir." they replied in unison. The XO hit a button on an intercom, and called the petty officer into the room. "Litten, please show the Colonel and the Commander to their quarters. Then fetch them when Cmdr. Jessup and Lt. Carter are available." "Aye-aye, Sir." "Dismissed." the three junior rankers snapped to attention, then turned to leave. PO Litten led the partners to the officers' quarters where they were given adjoining cabins. "I'll be back to fetch you when the officers are available." "Thank you, Petty officer." Mac said. The two went into their separate cabins to prepare for the interviews. MAC'S CABIN Mac yawned, she hadn't gotten that much sleep on the plane and it was only 0716 back home. She would normally be getting ready to leave her place to go to JAG just about now... not getting ready to investigate the downing of an Iraqi fighter. I wonder if I have time for a quick cat nap before the interviews start. She sat on the edge of the bunk.... Mac awoke with a start, someone was knocking on her door. She looked around the cabin confusedly, until she remembered where she was. I must have fallen asleep... She stood up and straightened her uniform, ran her fingers through her hair, and moved to open the door. "Ma'am, Cmdr. Jessup and Lt. Carter are out of their briefing. Cmdr. Rabb went to the ward room to interview the Cmdr. Lt. Carter is waiting for you in the XO's office." PO Litten said. "Thank you, Petty officer... I'll follow you." XO'S OFFICE Mac entered the office, a young woman snapped to attention. The PO said, "If you need anything, Ma'am, just call." and left the room. "At ease, Lt." Mac said, "have a seat." The Lt. sat in a chair on one side of the desk, while Mac took the one usually used by the XO. "Lt., why don't you tell me, in your own words, what happened the last time you and Cmdr. Jessup were in the air." "Yes, Ma'am. We were on a routine patrol of the no-fly zone. We were headed back to the carrier, when an Iraqi MiG came out of no where...." "...and that's exactly what happened, Colonel." "What about the fact that Lt. Cmdr. Hardin and Lt. Wilson saw no signs of aggression from the Iraqi fighter?" "Well, Ma'am, I don't know what they saw... but I saw the Iraqi lock on to us... Colonel, he had tone and he *was* going to fire on us." "Thank you, Lt... I may have more questions for you later. Dismissed." "Aye-aye, Ma'am." the young woman snapped to attention and left the room. Looking over the notes she had taken, Mac wondered how far Harm had gotten with the pilot... she also wondered when they would be able to interview the other pilot and RIO involved. Just then, Harm walked into the office, obviously finished with the interview he was conducting. "Well?" Mac asked. "Cmdr. Jessup still maintains that the Iraqi had tone and was going to fire." "Same with Lt. Carter." "We really need to talk to the other team as soon as possible. I'd like to get this investigation over with and get home." "I know the feeling, Commander." It feels like we're back on the Watertowne... the same tension between us. At least then, I knew we were still friends. U.S.S. ENTERPRISE (CVN-65) Back in her cabin, Mac sat on the edge of her bunk, thinking...about Harm, even though it wasn't 2130 yet. Will he ever forgive me? It's obvious he doesn't want to spend any more time in my company than he absolutely has to. This tension between us is killing me... I don't know how much longer I can take it. I wonder if the Admiral would approve a transfer for me... not out of JAG, I love my job, but maybe to a different office. Her reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door, she moved to open it, Harm was standing there... she caught her breath, he was so gorgeous, and there was a softening in his eyes that hadn't been there earlier. "Can I help you, Commander?" "Cap. Gilman sent word that Lt. Cmdr. Hardin and Lt. Wilson are available now if we'd like to speak to them." "Well, what are we waiting for...let's get this over with and get back home." Where I don't have to be in the next cabin to you... where there's plenty of room to escape... where there's things to distract me from the fact that you hate me. THE WARD ROOM Mac entered the room, the young Lt. snapped to attention. "At ease, Lt.... please sit down." He sat down and she found a seat at the table. "Lt. Wilson, could you please tell me in your own words what happened during the mission that ended with the downing of the Iraqi fighter." "Yes, Ma'am. It was a routine flight, we were on our way back to the carrier. All of a sudden, the MiG came out of no where. He didn't seem to care that we were there...." "...and then the MiG went down...I didn't see the pilot eject. I assume he was killed." "Did you notice any signs of aggression from the MiG?" "No, Ma'am, I didn't." "Then you don't think that the MiG did had tone Cmdr. Jessup's Tomcat?" "No, Ma'am, but Lt. Carter said something right before the downing... I couldn't quite make out what she said." "Thank you, Lieutenant. You're dismissed." "Aye-aye, Ma'am." He stood up, snapped to attention, and turned to leave. As he got to the door, he turned around, "Colonel?" "Yes..." "Permission to speak freely?" "Go ahead." "Ma'am, I know Cmdr. Jessup and Lt. Carter. I have flown with both of them numerous times. I don't think the Cmdr. would fire without provocation. I know Lt. Cmdr. Hardin and I didn't see any signs of aggression from the Iraqi... but if Cmdr. Jessup says that the MiG had tone on them, I'm inclined to believe him. He's had a lot more experience with the Iraqis and combat in general. He wouldn't just fire on the plane... there had to be a reason." "Thank you, Lt." He left the room. MESS HALL Mac headed through the line... all that was available was supper entrées... she was in the mood for breakfast food. In the end, she selected a cheeseburger and French fries. She looked around the room, saw where Harm was already sitting and headed in that direction. "Mind if I join you, Commander?" "Not at all, Colonel. It will give us a chance to discuss the investigation." The partners sat in silence, each looking at their tray, the walls, around the room, anywhere but at each other. Finally, after 20 minutes of this, Harm broke the silence... "So, Colonel, how'd it go with Lt. Wilson?" "He said that he noticed no signs of aggression from the Iraqi. He also said that he heard Lt. Carter say something right before Cmdr. Jessup fired. He couldn't understand what she said. He also said that he didn't believe Cmdr. Jessup would fire without provocation." "Lt. Cmdr. Hardin also said he didn't see any signs of aggression. He didn't mention hearing Lt. Carter say anything. We'll need to get the recording of that flight and see if she really did say something before the incident." "I agree. If she said something, it may prove that the Iraqi really was planning to fire. In that case, Cmdr. Jessup's actions were justified." "Or, it could prove that he acted rashly and almost caused a war." THE WARD ROOM Mac, Harm, and Capt. Gilman sat at the table in the middle of the room. On one wall the seal for the Enterprise (AN: a large blue circle with 'U.S.S. Enterprise' printed on it, a large 'E' in the middle along with 2 globes, a flight deck, and an atomic symbol) was displayed. Another wall boasted a display of television monitors, each showing different scenes: the flight deck, a ZNN news broadcast, the bridge, etc. However, the attention of the three officers in the room was directed towards a small piece of equipment in the center of the table. On it the tape from the Iraqi incident was being played. ~~~"Enterprise, we're coming home." Cmdr. 'Cool Hand' Jessup said. "Roger that, Gypsy 1." --- "'Hand?" Lt. 'Stargazer' Carter said, in a startled voice. "What do you got, 'Gazer?" "Bogey at 10 o'clock, Sir." "Roger that... Bronco, do you see it?" "Got it, 'Hand. Appears to be Iraqi." Lt. Cmdr. 'Bronco' Hardin replied. "Yep... He's Iraqi... MiG." Lt. 'Spurs' Wilson chimed in. "Damn!" Cool Hand said, "Is he alone, 'Gazer?" "Appears so, Sir... no other contact on radar." "What's he doing out here? Spurs asked, "looks lost!" "Enterprise, do you copy? We got a bogey!" Cool Hand relayed to the carrier. "Roger that, Gypsy 1. Does he appear hostile?" "Not at this time... request permission to hang around and investigate." "What's your fuel status, Gypsy 1?" "Well above bingo." "Roger. Gypsy 2?" "Well above bingo, Enterprise." --- "All right, permission granted. You got another 10 minutes." "Roger that." Cool Hand replied. "'Gazer, what's our friend doing?" "Not much, 'Hand. Appears to be watching us." "Well, you just be watching him back." "Aye, Sir." --- "Bronco? What's 'Hand doing?" Spurs asked. "I don't know...'Hand, what's up?" "The bastard's got tone on me..." "Are you sure? He looks lost to me..." Bronco asked. "Not on my screen..." Spurs chimed in. "He's got tone, alright...'Gazer?" "Sir? I don't see it..." she replied cautiously. "Not, mechanical, mental... it's in the way he's flying. He knows we're in his sights." "I don't see it, 'Hand." Bronco said. "He's gonna fire... Firing missile..." Cool Hand said, calmly. "Oh, God, he's got tone..." Stargazer said in a small voice just before the sound of an explosion was heard. "Direct hit!" "Enterprise, Iraqi down, no ejection... I repeat, 'Hand shot down the MiG. Pilot didn't eject." Bronco relayed. "Roger that... get your sixes home!!~~~ "So the Iraqi did have tone on them, like Cmdr. Jessup said." Mac said. "Appears so... what now?" the XO asked. "I'm gonna recommend that the investigation be dropped. Jessup was obviously acting in self-defense." Mac said. "Then we'll get out of your hair." [AN: Mac is lead counsel on this case.] JAG HEADQUARTERS Mac and Harm were standing at attention in front of the Admiral's desk. "At ease... Commander, Colonel, good work on the Enterprise. The Iraqi government has withdrawn its objections in the UN... they are now downplaying the incident as a rogue pilot acting on his own." "Thank you, Sir." Mac said. "Now, Commander, you've got an office... your old one... Cmdr. Roberts has moved into one closer to Cmdr. Imes." "Yes, Sir..." "Again, good work, People... Dismissed." The partners snapped to attention, "Aye-aye, Sir." turned and left the room. Each heading for his/her own office. HARM'S OFFICE Harm looked around his office... it was so bare, and it had been over five years since he last stood here... but, he could still see in his mind's eye where everything had used to be... his model Tomcat... the model Stearman... the picture of him as a small boy with his father... his diplomas... posters... the picture of him and Mac taken at Bud and Harriet's wedding... Mac in the cockpit of 'Sarah.' He smiled a wistful smile at the memories. Well, he'd just have to do something about the emptiness... he'd get some things to bring in when he went home tonight.... That was another thing on his mind... he needed to find a place for him and Lauren... temporary quarters at Ft. Myer wasn't cutting it... they needed a place of their own, a place where they could have their own things. MAC'S OFFICE Sarah sat at her desk, staring at the NATO ball picture which she had removed from the bookshelf... her mind went back to that evening... it was so wonderful. Would they ever be that close again? A knock at the door brought Mac out of her reverie. "Enter." Harriet opened the door, started to say something but stopped when she saw the photo in her friend's hand and the silent tears streaming down her face. "Sarah, are you all right?" "Yes... no... I don't know, Harriet. I'm confused." Mac admitted. Harriet shut the door and pulled a chair up to the desk and sat down. "Okay, spill it, Sarah." she ordered, as if she were talking to her son. "Harriet..." "Sarah, you need to talk, and I'm here to listen... now, talk." "Aye-aye, Lieutenant." Mac said sarcastically before glancing down at the picture in her hands again. "That night was one of the happiest in my life... I was in love and in his arms. I didn't know if he felt the same way... but it didn't matter... I was in his arms. My heart wouldn't stop fluttering... it made me dizzy. I wanted him to feel the same about me, but I was also scared to say anything about it... what if he didn't feel the same... it would have killed me. "A few weeks later, he was put back on active flight status... shortly after that, he got orders to a carrier... I was devastated for myself, but thrilled for him... it was what he wanted... I had to let him have his dream. "He chose his last day at JAG to finally say what I had wanted to hear for so long...he loved me as much as I loved him.... I was stunned and thrilled at the same time, but I couldn't let him know how I felt... he would have wanted to stay... at first... then he would have resented me.... Sorry, Harriet, I know we talked about all of this back then... I just need to say it again." "It's okay, Sarah... I understand..." "Thanks... I cried for weeks... in private. At work, I had to be the composed, 'by-the-book' Marine... inside, I was a mess. Finally, I started to get back to normal... I never got there, but got closer.... Of course, when Bud told that he married Lt. Cmdr. Coulter, I fell apart inside again... but held it together on the outside... couldn't fool you, or myself, though. Finally, I headed towards normal again... until last month when I saw the funeral notice for Theresa Rabb... it all hit me again... especially after I went to the cemetery and saw him with his daughter at the grave.... I've spent many nights since then thinking about him... and what could've been...that could've been my... our little girl with him.... "Then we were stuck in close quarters on the Enterprise... it was like that time on the Watertowne... the same tension... except on the sub I knew we were friends and we'd eventually work out the 'bumps in the road.' That was temporary. Now, I feel like he hates me... why shouldn't he... I was the one who broke his heart... I don't know if we'll ever get back to the easy working relationship we had before he left. I want that again... I want my best friend back, if I can't have the man I love.... I don't think it's possible... he doesn't want to have anything to do with me outside of work.... I don't blame him, really... it's all my fault... I don't deserve him... I never did...." "Don't do this, Sarah... don't beat yourself up... you do deserve him... you deserve all the happiness that comes your way...." "Thanks, Harriet..." "It's the truth, Sarah." HARM'S OFFICE "Sir?" Bud asked as he knocked on the door." "What is it, Bud?" Harm replied. "I think I left a file in here... I can't seem to find my notes on the Jensen case." "Here they are, Bud." Harm said, holding up a file. Bud moved to take it, then turned to leave. He hesitated... "Permission to speak freely, Sir." "Permission granted, Bud... what is it?" Bud closed the door and pulled a chair closer to the desk. "Sir, you look like hell... Is there something wrong?" "No, Bud, I'm fine..." "Pardon me for saying so, Sir, but you're not 'fine.' It's the Colonel, isn't it?" "Yes, Bud... it's Mac... I can't get her out of my head... I know I should hate her for rejecting me... but I can't bring myself to do it. She's always been in my heart... haunting everything... she was with me in the cockpit... hell, she was even with me on my honeymoon. Almost the first thought I had when I first held Lauren after her birth was what would she look like if Mac had been her mother.... I know, it was wrong for me to have those thoughts while I was married to Terri... but there they were... the more I tried to fight them... the more they surfaced...." MAC'S OFFICE "Sarah, you need to talk to Harm. It's all good and well for you to tell me how you feel about him... there's no real risk involved.... I'm your friend, I'll support you in whatever you decide to do... but I'm not the one, you need to speak to... I'm not the one you should be telling all this to... *he* is." HARM'S OFFICE "No offense, Sir... but I'm not the one who needs to hear this. The Colonel is... you should tell her how you feel... not me." The song "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," written by Jim Steinman, sung by Céline Dion, is available on Céline's Falling Into You album. I don't own the rights to the song (do own a copy of the album). No copyright infringement is intended... no financial gain is being realized (by me, that is). Thanks to my sister, Jess, for the idea of using this song here. LT. COLONEL SARAH MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT All of the lights were out in the living room. Sarah sat on the couch, her knees pulled up so that her chin rested on them. She stared at the remains of her dinner, very cold, on the coffee table in front of her. She had had no appetite... too much was on her mind. She thought about what Harriet had said earlier... she was right... she *did* need to talk to Harm, but how to start... how to get him to listen to her... she had no idea. She looked around the room... it was definitely too quiet in here. Sarah dragged herself off of the couch and over to the stereo system... she flipped through her CD collection, selected one and pushed play... "There were
nights when the wind was so cold There were days
when the sun was so cruel I finished crying
in the instant that you left "I wish I could have banished the memories... the feelings... my life would have been so much easier these last years..." Sarah spoke out loud to the darkness. "But when you
touch me like this "Harm, it never left... all of the memories... all of the longing..." "There were
hours that just went on for days "Are they... are they truly lost to us forever? Can we reclaim the relationship we once had? Can we get back to the easy friendship we once had? Can we go even further?" "If you
forgive me all this "Oh, Harm, can you forgive me? I want you to so much... it's killing me inside. I want my best friend back... I want the possibility of so much more back. Is it possible?" "(It's all
coming back to me now) The song ended... another love song began to play, but Sarah didn't hear it... all she heard was her own sobs... and saw the look on Harm's face that day so long ago when she broke his heart... broke her own heart. Finally, the sobbing stopped... "Suck it up, Marine... he hates you... accept it... get on with your life." But I don't want to accept it... maybe Harriet's right... maybe we should talk... clear the slate... try to establish a working relationship again. JAG HEADQUARTERS She had managed to avoid Harm all day... until now. "Colonel, do you have the Tunney file?" "Yeah, it's here somewhere." she searched a pile on her desk, pulled out a folder and offered it to him. "Here it is, Commander." "Thanks..." he turned to leave. Sarah stopped him as he reached the door. "Commander, this is ridiculous. We need to talk... we can't function as a team until we clear the air between us." "I agree, Colonel." "Can you meet me at McMurphy's at 2000 tonight? I trust you remember where it is." "Yes... I remember... I'll be there." HARM'S OFFICE Of course, he remembered McMurphy's... how could she stand to go there... that was where Dalton died in her arms... where he went to comfort her afterwards... where she fell off of the wagon... Oh well, if it didn't bother her, than it wouldn't bother him, and they did need to talk... for the sake of their partnership... their careers, they needed to clear the air. MCMURPHY'S TAVERN Harm walked into the darkened room and looked around for his partner. He spotted her at a table in the corner. He walked up to the bar, ordered a drink and then went to join Mac. She was lost in thought... remembering the last time she had been here. It was at Bud and Harriet's wet-down... she and Jordan and Carolyn had discussed what Harm was like in bed. Jordan had said that she knew the relationship between Harm and her would only last until Mac decided that she wanted him... Mac had tried to convince Jordan, and herself, that she wasn't a threat to the relationship... that things weren't like that between Harm and her... she didn't think Jordan believed her... she knew she didn't believe herself. It wasn't long after that night that Jordan and Harm broke up... a week after that was the NATO ball that she had the photo from... more subdued than normal due to the action in Kosovo. "Colonel?" Harm broke into her thoughts, "May I sit down?" "Of course, that's why I invited you..." After 20 minutes of uncomfortable silence... each gathering the courage for what lay ahead, Mac broke the silence. "Harm," she said, deliberately using his name instead of his title. "We need to talk about the day you left JAG..." He started to say something, but she raised her hand to silence him. "No, let me finish... I know I hurt you pretty badly when I said that I only thought of you as my best friend... that I wasn't in love with you." A hurt look settled on Harm's face. "I know that I ruined that relationship with my words... I lost my best friend that day." "Mac..." "I was happy for you that you were able to fly again... but I was sad for me... I was never gonna see your smile... I was never gonna face you across a courtroom... was never gonna share a half-veggie, half-works pizza over a case late at night.... I wasn't going to see the man I loved everyday." "What did you just say? Did you say you loved me back then?" "Yes." she said quietly. "I lied when I said I didn't share your feelings." "But, why, Mac?" "Because I wanted you to follow your dreams... I wanted you to fly again. I didn't want you to think that you needed to stay for me... I didn't want you to be tied down... I didn't want you to resent me some day in the future for keeping you here instead of in the air where you wanted to be." "Why did you think I'd try to stay?" "Because I know you, Flyboy... you're too loyal... you wouldn't knowingly do anything to hurt someone you care about... you wouldn't have wanted to hurt me if you had known my true feelings... you would have hurt yourself first." "So you took it upon yourself to not even give me the option? You decided what was best for both of us... I had no say in the matter?" "I'm sorry, Harm... I had to do what I did." she said quietly, staring at her glass, silent tears welling in her eyes. "Dammit, Colonel... you took my heart and snapped it in two that day... for my *own* good? Who the hell are you to decide what's best for others?" "My heart broke that day, as well." Going on as if he hadn't heard her last statement, "Since when did Sarah MacKenzie become all-knowing arbiter of the public good... the little martyr... breaking her own heart to make sure everyone else does what *she* thinks is best for them..." He wasn't yelling--it was a public place--but he might just as well have been... Sarah winced at his words. "Harm, I said I was sorry... I should have given you the option... I shouldn't have lied... I should have told you how I felt. If I had, would it have made a difference?" "I don't know... and I guess we'll never know now... you made damn sure of that..." They stared at each other in silence for a while, neither daring to break into the other's thoughts. Finally, Mac could stand it no longer... there was something she had to know. "Harm?" she took a deep breath and continued, "Do you think you could forgive me, someday?" "Huh?" "I'm asking for your forgiveness... I know I don't deserve it, but I'd like it, if you are willing to give it." "I don't know, Colonel." he stated, matter-of-factly. "Harm, for the sake of our jobs... our past friendship... our future working relationship... I need your forgiveness... we need to put the past behind us and establish a middle ground where we can function as partners... and, hopefully, eventually as friends." He thought about what she had just said for a long time..." Okay, Mac, I forgive you... if you'll forgive me, too." "What do you need forgiveness for? It was all my fault..." "No, some of the responsibility is mine... I held a grudge... never tried to see it from your point-of-view... anyway, that's the past... do I have your forgiveness?" "Of course, Harm..." she smiled one of her "light-up-a-room" smiles that used to make him go weak in the knees. Used to!? Hell, if I weren't sitting down right now, they'd be scraping me off of the floor. He answered with a genuine "flyboy" grin that melted Sarah right down to her toes. "Well, I think we made some progress here, don't you, Commander?" "Yes, Ma'am... but we've still got a long way to go..." MAC'S APARTMENT They had cleared the air between them tonight, but there was still issues between them. I hope now we can work together without all of the uncomfortableness. I hope... Don't go there, Marine... be grateful that the groundwork for a working relationship is there... don't set yourself up for disappointment... just accept it... I don't know what you're talking about... I was talking about a working relationship. Right, Sarah... I know you... you were gonna say you hoped that you could have a closer than working relationship... Was not! Was to! "Oh, great, now I'm arguing with myself like a three-year-old. Snap out of it, Sarah." You can't run away from this, Marine... I'm still gonna be here. Just shut up and go away... I'm not ready for this conversation. Well, be sure to let me know when you're ready! the voice in her head said sarcastically. |
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