So I just saw last Wednesday's episode of "Survivor". And I just gotta say, I'm really digging this show.

"Survivor" is unabashed in bringing to its viewers the very basest form of entertainment. Toss sixteen strangers on an island, all of whom have volunteered for no higher goal than a million dollars of cold, hard cash. For this ignoble gain, all they have to do is make friends with their compatriots, cooperate with them in order to win challenges, while at the same time, make secret alliances, put them down on camera when their backs are turned, and backstab them when it comes time for those "tribal council" things.

Make sure that most of the contestants are young and attractive, and make sure it's in a warm, tropical climate, so nobody wears a whole lot.

Also, the only things available for them to eat are rats and bugs.

Needless to say, "Survivor" was the top rated show on CBS last week.

I get the most enjoyment out of deciding on whom I would vote to throw off the island.

I have to agree with that one tribe on the first night. Even before she slipped on that raft challenge, even before I knew that she was sixty-two years old, I knew that Sonja was going to be the first to go. All it took was seeing her bring that ukelele. I turned to Cindy and said, "She's gone." She brought a ukelele for God's sake, what did she expect?! Hell, the only way she could've gotten beat out is if somebody else brought a kazoo.

The second person I'd vote for would have to be that guy that talks religion all the time. I'm sorry, but say I'm stranded for 39 days on an island. Haven't figure out how to make a fire yet, I've had nothing but cold rat soup to eat, and I've just spent the last two hours underwater dragging a fifty-pound treasure chest onto the beach so I can win a Swiss army knife or something. At the very least, please don't make me feel like I'm in church, too.

Who else? Any of those guys, more than ten pounds overweight, that seem to never be wearing a shirt? They're gone. Please, I don't want to have to see that.

That thirty year-old neurosurgeon? See 'ya. Nothing personal, but I wouldn't want any other guys to be on that island that are more handsome than me, and yet be a doctor besides.

Actually, who I really want to vote off the island is the most annoying guy of all, the host. He's the only thing about "Survivor" that I really dislike...we're watching the contestants cook rats, fish for rays, fix their huts, all the while listening to them talk, plot and bicker, and periodically the host guy abruptly jumps out from behind whatever tree he's hiding behind to interrupt. And I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone else on TV be so corny and melodramatic. They have a contest to win some waterproof matches and he announces it as "Quest For Fire". At "tribal council", he passes around a seashell and explains that for no apparent reason possession of the shell allows the holder to freely "speak their peace". Worst of all is the end, when the contestant is voted off, they waste awkward seconds of airtime to symbolically "extinguish the flame", signalling their exile from the island.

Putting out a torch? This is "Survivor", right? Screw the rats, what I want to see is them deciding on whom to kill and eat. Now that would add an intriguing dimension.

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