Phil Amara left the security of his Oregon cattle ranch to spend a year in Japan. There, he quickly gained an extra two hundred pounds and became an up-and-coming sumo wrestler known only as Fat Charlie. Upon returning to the United States, he quickly shed the pounds with his own version of the Atkins diet. “I owe it all to ice cubes and ham,” says Amara. Someday, he may again delight the cheering crowds of Tokyo with his behemoth feats. But for now, he is quite content to showcase his Shaker cider barrel collection on Antiques Roadshow. Richard Jenkins, the artist of the Sky Ape comics books, doesn’t actually exist. “I’m astounded the amount of work he can produce, considering he’s not real, and all,” said longtime Sky Ape fan and ex-Secretary of State James Baker. Baker is not alone. Jenkins has managed to befuddle the masses, taking on cover assignments for Cat Fancy, and even managing to produce a clothing line. Richard, who was not available for comment, had this to say: “What do you mean I don’t exist? Are you fucking high?! Who the hell do you think is drawing this stuff, Chinese snow monkeys?!” The mystery may persist, but one thing’s for sure, The English Patient is a damn funny movie. As a boy, Tim McCarney had to convince people he wasn’t a robot. “It’s funny looking back at it, but as a kid, it was not a pleasant time.” McCarney is able to hold back tears, having gone through a lifetime of discrimination. “But sometimes, I’ll admit it, I’m not so strong.” Luckily, Tim’s luck has changed for the better. Investing in a successful chain of odd-size footwear shops, he takes quiet pleasure in knowing he’s making a difference in people’s lives. “Sure, they’re freaks,” Tim says, “but I was a freak once, y’know? I understand what they’re going through. Maybe someone thinks you’re a robot. Maybe your feet jut off in a weird angle. That’s a little something we like to call life.” Mike Russo’s blood pressure is off the charts, and it’s mostly because of super-hero comics. “I just don’t get it. I’ve been reading this stuff for years. Batman makes sense to me. But most of the others really chap my ass!” Interviewed on an exercise bike at the local 24-Hour Fitness, Russo continued, “Firestorm? Are you frigging kidding me?! His god-damn head is on fire! Who are they trying to kid? Green Arrow? What, you’re gonna kick my ass by shooting an arrow with a boxing glove on it? Think of the aerodynamics, man!” Later, on the treadmills, Russo was overhead shouting, “Don’t even get me started on Aquaman! Look everyone! I can swim! Can I join the Justice League?”