Gee, I'm sorry about what happened to your dog, Mister Davis. I know I promised to watch him for you.
But what happened--it really wasn't my fault.
I was just having a little fun.
When you left me here with Sparky, I was a little bored, you know. I mean, it's not like Sparky does tricks or anything. Except, of course, he's so small you can do magic tricks with him, like hidin' him in your jacket and stuff. But usually, when I come here to doggie-sit, he just lays there on the floor and stares at me. And that's no fun. So I decided to call my friend Jeff. You didn't say not to use the phone. So I called Jeff and asked him to come over, you know.
I told him I was just sittin' here with the dog and stuff and could really use the company. So Jeff, he came over and we started kinda like explorin' the house and stuff. We were lookin' around in the rooms upstairs for a while--but we didn't touch or break anything. Then a little later we went down to the kitchen, see, to get some food, and Jeff, he noticed that you have one of those Insta-Freeze units.
So he says "cool an Insta-Freeze" and he starts messin' with the knobs and stuff. And I said "don't mess with that. It's expensive." But Jeff, he kept playin' with it. He put a soda in it and froze it solid in like 10 seconds. Then he froze an orange. Then he did an apple. And then, Sparky started barking.
Dumb dog shoulda known when to keep his trap shut. I mean, that dog just picked the worst time to start barking. Because Jeff, he was like crazy into this Insta-Freeze machine. And he looks at Sparky, three inches high and barking like he means business. And Jeff, he gets this nasty look in his eye and he grabs Sparky. And I say "hey, no. Don't do that, man. I'm supposed to be watchin' this dog. You can't drop him in the Insta-Freeze. It'll kill him, man." But Jeff, he doesn't listen. He just drops poor old Sparky in the machine--dog still barking his dumb little head off. And 10 seconds later, WHAMMO, we had a frozen dog. And Jeff, he just looks at the thing and he starts laughin' and tears are rollin' down his face. 'Cause Sparky was like frozen stiff, in mid-bark.
Me, I didn't like think it was funny. I said "Hey Jeff, you idiot. You've killed the dog. Now what am I going to tell Mister Davis?" And after a few minutes, Jeff, he's really a nice guy see, so he sees I'm upset. And he says "Stop whinin'. The dog ain't dead." And I said "What do you mean he ain't dead? He's frozen stiffer than a popsicle." But Jeff, he kept tellin' me that the dog wasn't dead. He calls an older kid, this guy who like works at some big fancy lab. And he tells the guy about your dog, about Sparky being frozen solid and all. And the friend he tells us to bring the dog down to this lab, right away. Seems the 'big lab boys', they could thaw him out.
So what was I supposed to do? I mean, I knew you'd be mad if you came home and found your dog all like stiff. So I figured I didn't have anything to lose. So I said "OK" and Jeff and I dumped Sparky in a trash bag and drove him to the lab.
These scientist guys, as soon as Jeff's friend introduced 'em, I knew they were kinda crazy. 'Cause there were four of 'em and they grabbed Sparky out of the bag and started tossin' him back and forth like a football. I mean they were havin' a regular game of catch with the frozen dog. And that ain't right. So that's when I got mad, see. I told 'em that YOU were comin' back later tonight and so they had to unfreeze the dog right now!
So they said "no problem" and took Sparky into their lab. And when they brought him back, he was like this! But hey, it's not so bad. It's not like they gave him really bad breath or anything. They just unfroze him, and messed with his brain a little. OK, more than a little. OK, a whole bunch.
So they made him a little smarter, so what? OK, so maybe he's more than just a little smarter. Maybe he is now the only dog on the block who can play the piano, write poetry and solve algebra problems, all at the same time. But look on the bright side. That kid of yours, you were thinkin' of hiring a tutor for her, weren't you? Well now, you don't have to bother.
So if you look at it that way, I just saved you a whole bunch of money!
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By: Steven L. Schiff