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Mathmagic!
This fun little math puzzle came to me via e-mail. Some of you may have seen it before, but let’s try to figure out how it works… First, play along with the exercise. As an example I’ll use a “movie” phone number: 555-1234
Magic Calculator!
1. Input the first 3 digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) (555)
2. Multiply by 80 (44400)
3. Add 1 (44401)
4. Multiply by 250 (11100250)
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number (11101484)
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number, again (11102718)
7. Subtract 250 (11102468)
8. Divide by 2 (5551234)
9. Read the final number aloud for all to hear! 555-1234
Okay, so it looks all neat and cool, but would it be as interesting if I said:
“Take the first the digits of your phone number. Multiply by 10,000. Add the last four digits. What do you have? Voila! Your phone number!”
But that, in essence, is what you are doing. Only in a much more convoluted way. Let’s break it down. The first 3 numbers are “X” and the last four are “Y.” The e-mail tells you to do the following:
And I’m sure, with a few more steps, you could even add the area code in as a bonus. Another mathematical mystery solved!
Is it really true?
The science behind internet “gems of wisdom”
We’ve all gotten them. E-mails full of wonderful and mysterious “facts” that we never knew existed! In installment three of our “is it really true” segment I take a look at a few of the newer “facts” I’ve seen recently.
* When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
If you’re like me, you probably have to go back and re-read this one. When we read, we don’t necessary read every word – so in some cases, our brain is one “autocomplete” and anyone who has worked with Microsoft Excel knows that doesn’t always work out perfectly. Okay, so the sentence says 25 miles per YEAR. Do we believe this? Obviously, there are many factors that will affect the exit velocity of the ketchup (or catsup, whichever you prefer to call the tomato-based condiment. Tune in next issue for a discussion of “ketchup vs. catsup”), the biggest being whether it is in a glass bottle (subject only to gravity) or plastic (where squeezing strength comes into play). Other factors include, but are not limited to: temperature (affecting the viscosity), fullness of the bottle (head pressure), and angle of the bottle.
Now, for those units. Who can imagine 25 miles per year? In terms of moving ketchup, inches per second is probably a more reasonable measure. How long does it take to cover that hot dog with ketchup?
25 miles per year = .05 inches per second
That being said, it would take about 3 seconds to run the length of an average 6-inch hot dog. That seems a little slow for the squeeze variety (remember, any ‘back and forth’ squiggling motion used when applying the ketchup adds to the distance!) but probably about right on the glass bottle variety – once you get it going!
The bottom line on this is that yes, ketchup probably does, on occasion, leave the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year, but there is not any good way of determining an average speed given the multitude of variables. This “factoid” is too specific where it doesn’t need to be (Why Heinz ketchup? Would Hunt’s act differently? How about a store brand?) and to vague where it does need to be (When it leaves the bottle HOW? And what kind of bottle?).
Bottom line – if you want to produce a ketchup factoid that can stand up to scrutiny and still be amusing, find out the maximum velocity of ketchup leaving a bottle. I won’t do it here, as I have neither the facts nor the equipment necessary, but there would be a maximum achievable velocity limited by the size of the exit and the viscosity of the ketchup…
* Your statistical chance of being murdered is one in twenty thousand
Obviously, this is going to vary based on you age, sex, occupation, and geographic location. The Centers for Disease Control website used to have a cool interactive “10 Leading Causes of Death” page where you could select by state, age, race – whatever. The closest table I could find gives a general overview of the whole US broken out by age group (http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/osp/charts.htm), and there’s a pdf document that breaks it down a little more (http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/osp/charts.htm). Either way, evidently I’m more likely to kill myself than be killed by someone else!
But, overall, according to the Centers for Disease Control there were 17,638 homicide deaths in the US in 2002, which translated to 6.1 deaths per 100,000 people. That puts your very generalized odds at 1 in 16,393. So, close, but no kewpie doll. Sadly, your chances are actually HIGHER than in the stated “factoid.” Cheery thought!
Bottom line, if you’re really worried about dying, there are other things to worry about before you fear the odd murder (unless you live in Compton, CA, in which case a bulletproof house is in order). Stay out of the sun, don’t smoke, and drive as little as possible (and wear a seatbelt when you do).
AHHHHH! Statistics!
I recently spoke to a woman about a book club and asked her what they would be reading. She replied that it would be a “hostess choice” situation, but hopefully no one would ask them to read any science or math books. My first reaction was, “why is that?”
Granted, I am an engineer and have had a greater exposure to the world of mathematics than most people. And considering some of the classes I had to endure (Math 250 – twice!) you would think that I would hate them even more. But knowing more about anything, oh, dare I use the phase – empowers you. Okay, that’s trite and overused, but true. If you understand statistics, even in a limited way, you can see through a lot of the garbage people are peddling. It can save you money and time. In a medical scenario, knowing what the odds really are could even help save your life.
Okay, enough with the melodrama. It’d be a great world if everyone understood the use, and more importantly, the misuse of statistics. And it doesn’t have to be dry, painful, or boring. It can even spark a lot of great office debates. Granted, you may never win (even though you are right) because people refuse to THINK and don’t know how to use statistics properly. Trust me, I know.
So, this being my newsletter, I am going to (try to) devote a portion of it every time to the discussion of statistics in everyday life and recommend good statistics books you may wish to read if the topic grabs your attention. We will start off with a topic near and dear to my heart, an office debate I was unable to win even though I was absolutely correct (yes, it still rankles, I admit it) – the lottery.
Okay, it started harmlessly enough. I don’t know what prompted the initial comment, perhaps an “I need to buy my lottery ticket” or some such, but the topic was broached nonetheless. And the great debate began: Can you increase your chances of winning in any way other than buying more tickets?
Yes, according to a former co-worker of mine. There are several ways – but mostly by studying past winning combinations. Come again? Evidently this is a common belief, so much so they have a name for it, and whole books have been devoted to its study – the gambler’s fallacy.
I argued a basic point – that the following three combinations of numbers that are EQUALLY likely to be this week’s winning combination. Set A: the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and the Powerball 6. Set B: last week’s winning combination. Set C: whatever set you choose (your lucky numbers, or the quick pick).
The counter argument: It’s highly unlikely for Set A to win, for goodness sake - they are sequential numbers! And it’s far likelier to be a different set of numbers that win this week, so Set B is out. Therefore, Set C is far more likely!
Can you see the flaws in this argument? The basic counter argument is that is was far more likely NOT to be sequential and it would be far more likely NOT to be the same as last week. Yes, I will grant you that. But you can’t bet on a negative probability: “Sure, I have a dollar that says the numbers won’t be the same this week!” Even I’d take that bet! Your odds? Approximately 79,999,999/80,000,000 or 99.99999875% (those were the odds at the time of this debate, they have since made it even harder to win). In the end, you have to define Set C – a group of five numbers and the Powerball - which have exactly the same chance as Set A or Set B – 1/80,000,000.
I’m not against the lottery – I’ve wasted far greater sums of money on lots of other silly things. Sure, if you have an extra buck, why not try. It is true that you could win. Just don’t bet on it.
This newsletter’s recommended statistics book:
Duelling Idiots and other Probability Puzzlers by Paul J. Nahin
Warning: this is not a novice book. It contains copious formulas and graphs. I’ve seen actual statistics books with less math. But it does a wonderful job of creatively stretching your brain and really making you think. A great book for someone with a basic grasp of statistics that wants to try out their skills.
Mathmagic!
I was surfing the Internet looking for data to help with a project I am working on, and I came across an interesting message board. Well, I came across a lot of interesting message boards, but this one was rather germane to the subject I was researching. It was a posting asking people how this cool “magic” math trick worked. The link to the web site ran you through this program (play along, it’s fun!):
Okay, the number you’re left with is…. 5! Am I right?
Actually, I know I am. There is no other possible number. Yes, EVEN if you picked p . Now, you could work through every number and come to that conclusion, but who has that much time? No, not even I have that much time on my hands…. Besides, there’s an easier way: the mathematical solution, which was immediately clear to me once I wrote down the steps. But then, I’m comfortable with the concept of a variable, which I have found to be the hardest thing for non-mathematically minded people to grasp. Therefore, I wrote the problem thus:
You pick a number, “X.” When you double that number, you have “2X.” Then you add 10, giving you “10+2X.” When you divide by two ((10+2X)/5) you end up with “5+X.” And, when you subtract your original number, “X,” you end up with 5. No matter what “X” is. It even works with negative numbers, as long as you remember that to subtract a negative number is like adding it.
Okay, you could say I ruined the fun of it – like a person trying to figure out how a magician does his tricks. But there are also games that rely on probabilities. Let’s say I ran you through the first five steps, and then went on to say: “pick a country that starts with the letter corresponding to the number you now have.”
If you have a “2” pick a country that starts with an “A”
If you have a “3” pick a country that starts with an “B”
If you have a “4” pick a country that starts with an “C”
If you have a “5” pick a country that starts with an “D”
Now, take the last letter of the country and pick an animal that starts with that letter. Okay, take the last letter of the animal and pick a fruit that starts with that letter.
Are you thinking of an orange?
Chances are favorable that you are – but it’s not the only answer. I already know you’re starting with a “D,” and the country that leaps to most people’s mind is Denmark, though that’s not the only one. I, for one, chose “ Djibouti. ” But I try to be weird. There’s also the Dominican Republic.
Now for the animal – what animal starts with a “K?” Why, the kangaroo, of course. There is also the kiwi, koala, kookaburra, komodo dragon, karakul, kaka, kakapo, kangaroo rat, kea, keeshond, kelpie, kerry blue terrier, kestrel, key deer, khapra beetle, killdeer, killifish, kingbird, king cobra, king crab, kingfisher, kinglet, king snake, kite, kit fox, kudu, kokannee, and krait (to name a few). But most people (note the very scientific term “most”) will pick kangaroo. I was stuck with “i” and came up with “ibex”
And the fruit? Of course it’s an orange. Are there even any other fruits that start with “o?” Not that I can think of. But then, I was stuck with the letter “x,” and I certainly can’t think of a fruit for that. I guess I should have gone with “inchworm” and ended up with “mango.” Next time…. Maybe next time I’ll take the Dominican Republic-Cougar-Raspberry route… Or Denmark-Koala-Apple….
Is it really true?
The science behind internet “gems of wisdom ”
We’ve all gotten them. E-mails full of wonderful and mysterious “facts” that we never knew existed! After the Mythbusters (a great Discovery Channel series) did a show debunking the myth that “a duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why,” I recognized it as one of the e-mail snippets I had received, and sadly, never really questioned. And why should I? It’s a stupid little fact, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. But on principle (we should never blindly believe anything we are told - though that brings up a long and interesting discussion on what is enough research, who you can believe when you research, and how to be sure you’ve found “the truth”) I decided to research a few. Here is a start on what I’ve found.
Starting out at www.Snopes.com I quickly eliminated one of the “factoids.”
* The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
The airplane, chartered through Dwyer's Flying Service in Clear Lake, Iowa, had no name. Its only designation was its wing registration number, N3794N
Then I moved on to another on my list, checked out through the U.S. Naval Observatory (if you can’t trust them…)
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
This is not to say, however, that it is impossible for February to miss the full phase. The moon phases cycle every 29.5 days. Februrary, with 28 days (and 29 on a leap year), does miss a phase periodically. In fact 1866, 1885, 1915, 1934, 1961 did not have a full phase. As recently as 1999, there was no full moon during February
Finally. I moved on to solvin one through my own observations:
* There are 118 ridges around the edge of a dime.
First stop: the Internet. Why not go back to the source? So a quick Google search revealed a plethora of web sites on the subject. Unfortunately, there was some disagreement. I browsed 3 pages of Google results and came up with 6 sites that claimed there were 118, two that said 188, and one that said 115.
So why not ask the Treasury? Well, I went to their web site and found out quite a bit about how coins are made, the metals they use, and the histories of the mints – but nothing on the exact number of ridges around the edge of a dime. Sure, there was an explanation as to WHY they were there (to keep people from shaving off bits back when coins were made of solid precious metals) but not how many there were.
So, what do we do now? Well, in the interest of science, I set about actually counting the ridges on a dime. This proved impossible. After about 5 ridges my eyes refused to focus. There was no way to keep track of the ones I had counted, though I tried using a marker along the edge to keep my place.
So, as a last resort, I took a digital photo of a dime, plopped it into the computer and drew out where the ridges were. I filled in ¼ of the dime (figure A) then counted the number of ridges in ¼ of a dime and multiplied by 4. This gave me 118, agreeing with the majority of the Internet sites.
* Goldfish have a memory that’s only 3 seconds long (hey, cool castle…wow, look at that castle…hey, a castle!)
The Mythbusters (a great Discovery Channel series) did a show debunking this one. They set up aquariums and trained goldfish the navigate a maze in order to find their food. Over a period of weeks, the goldfish got to the food faster and faster, proving that they were remembering!
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Let’s see…
Alabama (3) Alaska (3) Arizona (4) Arkansas (3) California (4) Colorado (4) Connecticut (4) Delaware (3)
Florida (3) Georgia (2) Hawaii (3) Idaho (3) Illinois (3) Indiana (4) Iowa (3) Kansas (2) Kentucky (3) Louisiana (5) Maine (1) Maryland (3) Massachusetts (4) Michigan (3) Minnesota (4) Mississippi (4) Missouri (3) Montana (3) Nebraska (3) Nevada (3) New Hampshire (3) New Jersey (3) New Mexico (4) New York (2) North Carolina (5) North Dakota (4) Ohio (3) Oklahoma (4) Oregon (3) Pennsylvania (5) Rhode Island (3) South Carolina (5)
South Dakota (4) Tennessee (3) Texas (2) Utah (2) Vermont (2) Washington (3) West Virginia (4) Wisconsin (3) Wyoming (3)
Yup, it’s true!
*The average life of a major league baseball is 7 pitches .
Everyone I talked to said this sounded “about right.” A few people guessed it might be a little higher. My research, comprised of going to baseball games and watching the ball (hey, they were Royal’s games – what else was there to do?) gave a startling figure – 3.21 pitches!
Now, before you say, yes, but that WAS a Royals game… Let me say that I also charted some balls on televised games, including some national league games, and the figure only rose to 3.69 pitches. And I undoubtedly missed some ball exchanges due to camera angles and whatnot. So you would expect that number to be a little bit higher.
Towards the end of the experiment, I began to wonder – what happenes to most of those balls? SO I not only began to keep track of when a “fresh ball” was tossed in, I also charted what happened to the old ball. This is what I found:
38% Foul balls
49% Returned to Ball Boy, tossed in ball bucket (fate unknown – batting practice?)
5% Home Runs
3% Back to Ump
3% Into Dugouts
2% Other (example: Gotay’s first ML home run ball)
You must forward this to 10 people or…
I’m sure we’ve all gotten them. Chain e-mails… the technological advancement of chain letters. Such a joy to behold. Such a clog on your e-mail box. Such a nuisance.
I, personally, have never forwarded what I consider a true chain e-mail. I’m guilty of occasionally sending funnies and some senseless drivel I write myself (see this e-mail) but I’ve never forwarded a “nasty luck” letter to anyone. Think about it – if you want to believe in Karma or universal balance or whatever, how would hosing 10 of your best friends (by sending then, in essence, potential bad luck) tip the scales? Okay, so chain e-mails are not meant to prey upon the wisest of people. And hope spring eternal – maybe Bill Gates WILL send you $1,000 for simply hitting the “forward” button. And how can you NOT take that chance?
There’s a web site I found devoted to breaking the chain of unwanted e-mail, aptly named “Break the Chain.” They can be found at: http://www.breakthechain.org/
While I disagree with their criticism on some of the “jokes” (No Joke Too Obvious) because I found a lot of them funny, there were also some very disturbing chains going about. And this quote, which sums up one way the chain e-mails can REALLY hurt you:
“Indeed, most of us don't believe in this type of Karmic ka-ka, but we forward it on "just in case...after all, what can it hurt?" Well, consider this: several versions of this chain I received had literally hundreds of e-mail addresses in their headers - a running history of people who had received them. With just a few minutes and a word processor, I could easily compile these addresses into a list spammers and scammers would pay handsomely for, but would prefer to get for free. Do you get a lot of spam and wonder why? Well, if you forward chain letters like this one "just in case," that could be one reason. Break this chain.”
So, you get a really funny joke e-mail and you’re dying to pass it on. What should you do? Here are a few guidelines for forwarding funnies:
<<<< <<<< Why did &&
the
<<<< <<<< chicken /// cross
the road?
The Art of Parody
Weird Al doesn’t have an easy job. For every good parody of a song, there are at least a dozen bad ones, and another two dozen REALLY bad ones. I don’t think most people realize there is an art to parody. Here is an example (condensed) I found when researching the 12 Days of Christmas:
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot about the other eleven days.
Can you see what is wrong with this parody? Here’s a hint – try to sing it! The writer was trying to be cute, and did have some good ideas (though the ten cards and the leaking bulbs don’t make sense with the rest – the cards are failing on the writer’s part and the bulbs, well, I don’t really understand what happened there, but neither are something that happened due to the destructive nature of a puppy. So, how do you fix it? (It is easier to fix something once you get some ideas)
Start with the real song and deconstruct it:
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Twelve Drummers Drumming “Twelve” plus 4 syllables
Eleven Pipers Piping “Eleven” plus 4 syllables
Ten Lord-a-Leaping “Ten” plus 4 syllables
Nine Ladies Dancing “Nine” plus 4 syllables
Eight Maids a-Milking “Eight” plus 4 syllables
Seven Swans a-Swimming “Seven” plus 4 syllables
Six Geese a-Laying “Six” plus 4 syllables
Five Golden Rings “Five” plus 3 syllables
Four Calling Birds “Four” plus 3 syllables
Three French Hens “Three” plus 2 syllables
Two Turtle Doves “Two” plus 3 syllables
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree. (See below)
This one is tough, it’s technically 6 syllables, but one of them “breaks” over two notes. So you really have to make sure what you pick will flow right, and that’s just trial and error!
Some people will make the mistake of thinking about rhyme, which is important in some parodies. But as this is not a poem, and does not have any real rhyming qualities, it should not be considered. In the case of other songs that do rhyme, the importance is not keeping the rhyme intact (as in using other words that also rhyme), but rather keeping the lines matched – lines that rhymed before should rhyme after, and always keeping with the cadence. Take, for example, my parody of “I’m a Little Teapot” I made up (the KU song is “I’m a Jayhawk,” and that always made me think of that song…). On the left are the original lyrics, and the parody is on the right…
1. I’m a little teapot -------------------------I’m a little Jayhawk
2. Short and stout ---------------------------Red and blue
3. Here is my handle ------------------------Here is my beak and
4. Here is my spout -------------------------Here is my shoe
5. When I get all stemmed up ---------------When I get my feathers up
6. Hear me shout ---------------------------Hear me squawk
7. Tip me over ------------------------------You’re no match
8. And pour me out -------------------------For this Jayhawk!
You will notice in both songs that lines 2 and 4 rhyme, as well as 6 and 8. It so happens that in the original, they all rhyme with each other, but this is not actually necessary to carry the song.
Back to our “12 Days.” Now, starting with what works in the original song (“unwrapped presents, weighing in at four syllables, actually works perfectly as is), and tweaking and changing things that do not (Good ideas for a lot of them, just need to re-word them to fit!) and then you have (once again, condensed):
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Twelve Puppy Kisses
Eleven Unwrapped Presents
Ten Smashed Ornaments
Nine Chunks of Garland
Eight Chewed-up Stockings
Seven Scraps of Paper
Six Chunks of Ribbon
Five Torn up Cards
Four Broken Wreaths
Three Cracked Bulbs
Two Strands of Lights
And the Santa topper from the tree.
And you now have a sing-able, flowing parody. (I’m sure it could be “tweaked” even more, and anyone that has any other good ideas, please share them!) I still wonder at the size of the family, as 40 stockings end up as chewed-up rags, 8 at a time! Maybe they’re a family of 8 and they replaced them each of the last 5 days… They also received 40 Christmas cards that got destroyed! I don’t know about you, but in a good year I might get 10…
So, say you actually want to be foolish enough to give your true love the Twelve Days of Christmas. Technically, Christmas is the first day, with January 5 th being the twelfth day. But it would probably work out better to start twelve days BEFORE Christmas, and end on a high note on Christmas day. Either way, in order to not break the bank (doing it correctly entails giving 364 gifts!) and not to be overloaded with fowl (what, exactly, would you do with 42 Geese and 42 Swans?!?) I would suggest changing the gifts.
Talk Like a Pirate Day
( Arr, mateys, ye best be checkin' out th' web site... http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html)
Here is a list of pirate lingo to get you started:
Addled -- Mad, insane, or just stupid. An "addlepate" is a fool.
Ahoy -- "Hello!"
Avast! -- "Hey!" Could be used as "Stop that!" or "Who goes there?"
Belay -- Stop that. "Belay that talk!" would mean "Shut up!"
Bilge! -- Nonsense, or foolish talk. The bilges of a ship are the lowest parts, inside the hull along the keel. They fill with stinking bilgewater -- or just "bilge."
Bilge-sucking -- A very uncomplimentary adjective.
Black Spot -- To "place the Black Spot" on another pirate is to sentence him to death, to warn him he is marked for death, or sometimes just to accuse him of a serious crime before other pirates.
Blimey! -- An exclamation of surprise.
Booty -- Loot.
Bowsprit -- The slanted spar at a ship's prow.
Briny deep -- The ocean. Probably no pirate in all history ever used this phrase, but don't let that stop you, especially if you can roll the R in "briny"!
Cat o'nine tails, or just "cat" -- a whip with many lashes, used for flogging. "A taste of the cat" might refer to a full flogging, or just a single blow to "smarten up" a recalcitrant hand.
Chantey -- A sailor's work song. Also spelled "shantey" or "shanty."
Corsair -- A more romantic term for pirate. But still a pirate.
Davy Jones' locker -- The bottom of the sea.
Deadlights -- Eyes. "Use yer deadlights, matey!"
Dead men tell no tales -- Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.
Gangway! -- "Get out of my way!"
Grog -- Generically, any alcoholic drink. Specifically, rum diluted with water to make it go farther.
Grub -- Food.
Handsomely -- Quickly. "Handsomely now, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Jack Ketch -- The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.
Jollyboat -- A small but happy craft, perhaps even one which is a little dinghy.
Jolly Roger -- The pirates' skull-and-crossbones flag. It was an invitation to surrender, with the implication that those who surrendered would be treated well. A red flag indicated "no quarter."
Keelhaul -- Punishment by dragging under the ship, from one side to the other. The victim of a keelhauling would be half-drowned, or worse, and lacerated by the barnacles that grew beneath the ship.
Kiss the gunner's daughter -- A punishment: to be bent over one of the ship's guns and flogged.
Lad, lass, lassie -- A way to address someone younger than you.
Landlubber or just lubber -- A non-sailor.
Lights -- Lungs. A pirate might threaten to "have someone's lights and liver."
Line -- A rope in use as part of the ship's rigging, or as a towing line. When a rope is just coiled up on deck, not yet being used for anything, it's all right to call it a rope.
Lookout -- Someone posted to keep watch on the horizon for other ships or signs of land.
Me -- A piratical way to say "my."
Me hearties -- Typical way for a pirate leader to address his crew.
Matey -- A piratical way to address someone in a cheerful, if not necessarily friendly, fashion.
On the Account -- The piratical life. A man who went "on the account" was turning pirate.
Poxy, poxed -- Diseased. Used as an insult.
Rope's end -- another term for flogging. "Ye'll meet the rope's end for that, me bucko!"
Rum (noun) -- Traditional pirate drink.; (adjective) -- Strange or odd. A "rum fellow" is a peculiar person, the sort who won't say "Arrrr!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Sail ho! -- "I see a ship!" The sail, of course, is the first part of a ship visible over the horizon.
Salt, old salt -- An experienced seaman.
Scurvy -- (1) A deficiency disease which often afflicted sailors; it was caused by lack of vitamin C. (2) A derogatory adjective suitable for use in a loud voice, as in "Ye scurvy dogs!"
Sea dog -- An experienced seaman.
Shanty -- Another spelling for "chantey" - a sea song.
Shark bait -- (1) Your foes, who are about to feed the fish (q.v.). (2) A worthless or lazy sailor; a lubber who is no use aboard ship.
Shipshape -- Well-organized, under control, finished.
Shiver me timbers! -- An expression of surprise or strong emotion.
Sink me! -- An expression of surprise.
Smartly -- Quickly. "Smartly there, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Splice the mainbrace -- To have a drink. Or, perhaps, several drinks.
Spyglass -- A telescope.
Swab (noun) -- A disrespectful term for a seaman. "Man that gun, ye cowardly swabs!"; (verb) -- To clean something. Being put to "swabbing the decks" would be a low-level punishment for a disobedient pirate.
Swag -- Loot.
Walk the plank -- A piratical execution. The victim, usually blindfolded or with bound hands or both, is forced to walk along a plank laid over the ship's side, to fall into the water below. Except this seems to be a total invention; it first appeared in 19th-century fiction, long after the great days of piracy.
Weigh anchor -- To haul the anchor up; more generally, to leave port.
Yo-ho-ho -- A very piratical thing to say, whether it actually means anything or not.
For all of your pirate gear, visit www.deadmentellnotales.com
I ordered a good deal o’loot from’em, ,and they proved themselves a worthy company. They have a wide range of products, from books to stuffed parrots and everything in between. They also sell a mean pirate flag, perfect for your next sailing adventure.
And, seriously, how can you live without THIS? (see right, er, starboard…) I did say EVERYTHING in between, did I not?
My pirate story… I wrote this to for my LiveJournal writing group in response to a writing prompt, and thought I’d share it with you…
Here is something I tossed off (read: not terribly well edited, though I did try...) in response to the last two Monday word prompts. I tried to throw in a dash of dissonance and a touch of tautology, and a big ole can of pimp for Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19!).
~Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum~
Jeremy sat on the rolling deck of the ship, watching the sun sink toward the horizon. It really was going to be a lovely sunset, he thought. He drew in a deep breath of cool, salty air and closed his eyes, feeling the gentle breeze caress his face like a lover's gentle touch. The sound of the waves lapping against the side of the ship and the gentle rocking motion began to lull him to sleep. It had been a long and tiring day, and despite his best efforts, he felt sleep begin to claim his mind.
"Er, now, don't ye be gettin' too comfy," a harsh, dry voice broke his revere. "The Cap'n'll be wantin' a word with ye."
When Jeremy did not open his eyes, the owner of the voice responded by kicking him sharply in the head. This sent him sliding sideways, the rope that bound his hands behind his back digging cruelly into the flesh of his wrists. Grudgingly, he opened one eye to glare balefully at the man.
"So?" he responded haughtily.
The man gave a shriek of laughter. "Do ye know who ye be captured by? Cap'n Basingstoke is the toughest, meanest, most bloodthirsty pirate to sail these here waters. Haven't ye heard the tales?"
Before Jeremy could respond, Captain Basingstoke appeared, striding towards them across the corpse-strewn deck.
"Here, now, mate - I'm feelin' all generous, see, on account of the lovely bit o'cargo I just acquired, so I'm givin' ye a choice. Ye can walk the plank, or ye can die. Which be it?" Basingstoke asked, a hand on the hilt of a still-bloodied sword strapped to the wide black belt.
Jeremy stared at the Captain, tilting his head to the side like a confused dog, a frown pulling at his lips. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "that's not really a choice, is it?"
Basingstoke arched on eyebrow and leveled a cool glare in his direction. "What be ye meanin' by that?"
"Well, you see, it's a tautology, really, because while it's phrased as a question and there appear to be two possibilities, in reality there is only one." Jeremy babbled, unable to stop himself. "If I walk the plank, I die. If I don't walk the plank, I die. Now, I grant you that there is the minute chance that I would survive the whole plank ordeal, but it's so slim as to be a non-factor. Even if I managed to stay afloat with my hands bound - you were going to leave my hands bound, were you not?" He paused for a breath, and Basingstoke gave a slight nod. "So, even if I didn't drawn because I managed to, oh, float on my back, well, what would the chances be that another ship would come by to rescue me before I succumbed to hypothermia or became shark food? Practically zero. So," he drew in another deep breath, "you haven't given me a choice at all!"
The crew stood staring at him, slack-jawed and confused. A murmuring began as the Captain continued to assess the prisoner with a critical eye, weighing all he had just said.
Suddenly, the Captain smiled and began to chuckle. "Well, then," Basingstoke said in a cool dry English accent, the harsh pirate lingo gone, "as I did say I would offer you a choice, how about this one..."
"And that, dear children," Margaret said, glancing at the three youngsters gathered around her, "is how your Grandpa Jeremy and Grandma Rose first met."
English as a Dead Language?
Whatever happened to proper English? Okay, at least proper “American,” as there are subtle differences. While randomly searching the journals I came across everything from mildly annoying misspellings to entries that just make your brain hurt. That, and quite a few sites in foreign languages that may or may not be grammatically correct. I took 10 hours of Russian in college and can say “my little hedgehog.” That’s about it.
The world is slowly being overrun by “Drive-Thru English*” and “IM English**.” The first is just occasionally annoying. The latter has actually been known to cause neuron death. Seriously, I think I have felt brain cells explode whilst trying to decipher some people’s “writing.”
I’m not trying to say I’m brilliant, or I never make mistakes. But I do know the difference between your/you’re (a giant pet peeve of mine) and there/their/they’re. I also have finally mastered the its/it’s conundrum, which is admittedly trickier. I hardly ever fault anyone for that.
And it’s not even as if you have to drag out Webster’s Unabridged (thereby giving yourself a hernia and humongous doctor bills) if you’re unsure of anything. Word, as annoying as it is with the auto formatting, fixes most of the most common spelling mistakes automatically. It even corrects most grammar mistakes, and gives you the lovely green and red squiggly underlines for the things it’s not sure of (told you I’m not perfect… I should have said “..for the things of which it is not sure” or something equally pretentious sounding).
I’m not asking for perfection, just that people care enough to bother replacing “r u?” with “are you?” and please, please, please stop printing signs that say “Smile, Your on Camera!”
*Drive Thru English, aka Engineer’s English: Commonly found on road and construction signs, this form of English is relatively untouched except for the use of “Thru” for “Through” and the inexplicable inability of the speaker to distinguish between “feet” and “foot.” For example: “Yeah, he hauled that tree branch fifty foot off the road” and “Closed to Thru Traffic.”
**IM English: Commonly used on devices without keyboards where typing is arduous, this extremely truncated version of language is creeping into everyday use, even when the user does have access to a full sized keyboard. Also known for its odd lack of capitalization. For example: “r u here? i am.”
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