|Our Rating:||Who to Blame:||Babzee||The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
||Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.||Babzee
||Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."||Babzee
||I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.||Wayne
||Hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder?|
He got a little behind in his work.
||Q: What starts and ends with the letter E, but contains only one letter?
A: An envelope!
||A man walks into a butchers shop and inquires of the butcher, "Are you a
The butcher says, "Yes", so the man replies, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says, "Im not betting on that."
"But I thought you were a gambling man?" the man retorts.
"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".
||A couple lived near the ocean. One summer, they noticed a girl at
the beach regularly. They watched as she approached people, spoke
quietly, then walked away. They speculated about what she was doing,
but were not sure. Then they realized she only approached people
with boom boxes. So the husband took his boom box to the beach.
Sure enough, the girl approached him. When he went home, his wife
anxiously asked what the girl was doing. "She sells batteries,"
he told her. "She sells C cells by the seashore."
||The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids
together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most
obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
This joke deserves no rating whatsoever.
||Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The waitress
came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er,
gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug
of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said,
"I will have a glass of plasma." The waitress wrote down each
order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."
||A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the
dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years,
the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the
son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head.""
||Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
||Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
||Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
||Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
||A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
||Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
||A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
||A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
||These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
||There was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
||Hear about the streetwalker in Venice? She drowned.||Wayne
||A sad looking horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gets the drink, hands it to him, and says: "Here's your
drink buddy, but tell me, why the long face?"
||A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
refuses, saying that they don't serve mushrooms in here. The mushroom
says "Hey, come on buddy, I'm a fun guy!" (fungi - get it?)
||A kid is trying out for the soccer team. The coach asks him if
he can run. The kid says "Sure!" and runs once around the field like a flash.
The coach asks him if he can kick, and the kid again says "Sure!" and demonstrates by
kicking the ball all the way down the field. The coach is impressed and asks the
kid if he can pass the ball. The kid says "Well, if I can swallow it, I can probably