AFTER A HARDY Michigan rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched through her kitchen window her two little boys playing in the puddle.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling
by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the
mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do
that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We're just playing 'church' mommy" he said. "I was baptizing
him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
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EVER WONDER about the abbreviation A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way.
A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.
TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
A WOMAN WAS ASKED by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you
from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, and then He carves you a
new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the
world to see."
"Without Jesus, You don't have a prayer".
The Lord Loveth a Cheerful Giver
Church finances were a little tight, so the pastor took extra time this particular Sunday to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says, "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"
The Note
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an
angel down to earth to check it out.
So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God,
yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points
of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned
he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them,
a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that letter said?
Oh, you didn't get one, either?!!! You better straighten up then!