Take a
look, see where you fit
in the coming out
stages. You may be
in between them and see
parts of much of them in
your life. I've
been living out of the
closet since 1986.
At that time there was
nearly nothing available
for coming out except
the bars. The
Church is no help,
society in most cases is
worthless when it comes
to positive information,
and when it comes to the
Religious Zealots and
Religious Fanatics (Lord
Bush and his demented
followers) they are the
most worthless group
there is as related to
true information and
positive role models to
people experiencing the
self-realization stages
listed below. So
if you are a parent,
regardless of your
religion, ethnic
background, if your
child is experiencing
suicidal thoughts,
suicide attempts or
actually suicide, this
could be the problem and
as a parent, you should
face the facts, that you
may have a gay
offspring, not by their
choice, not as a spite
from God, but as a
natural part of life on
the planet earth.
So be a parent and put
the lives and welfare of
your children on the
high priority list.
Identity Confusion
-
Information regarding
homosexuality is somehow
personally relevant.
-
Behavior is seen as
"possibly homosexual".
Bob Comment:
This is the
beginning of the
"down low", the
time that the
husband cheats
on the wife,
kids and loved
ones claiming
their
"virginity" and
all that stuff.
It's a part of
the process, and
also can be the
longest period
of coming out
and coming to
terms with being
homosexual, gay,
a fag, and all
that fun stuff.
WARNING:
This portion of
coming out can
present a high
danger of
suicide if no
positive
resources are
available to the
person facing
this part of
their life.
Possible
Responses:
-
Avoids information about
homosexuality;
-
inhibits behavior;
-
denies homosexuality
applies to them.
-
Disowns responsibility
for homosexual behavior
("experimenting"; "an
accident"; "just
drunk").
Males:
-
Keep emotional
involvement separate
from sexual contact;
Females:
-
keep relationships
nonsexual, though
strongly emotional.
-
Seeks emotional
information (buys books,
tapes; enters therapy;
"Am I gay?")
Possible Needs:
-
Explore internal
positive and negative
judgments re:
Homosexuality.
-
Be permitted to be
uncertain re: Sexual
Identity.
-
Find support in knowing
sexual behavior occurs
along a spectrum.
-
Find reassurance that
any sexual identity is
valid.
-
Receive encouragement to
being to be aware of and
honest with oneself
about
feelings/attractions.
Sexual
Comparison
-
Accepts possibility that
he/she may be
homosexual.
-
Self-alienation becomes
social isolation.
WARNING:
This portion of
coming out can
present a
highest danger
of suicide if no
positive
resources are
available to the
person facing
this part of
their life.
So Parents if
you LOVE your
child, like you
say you do, this
is the time to
step in, face
reality, and be
a true parent.
Possible
Responses:
-
Reacts positively and
devalues importance of
heterosexuals in his/her
life.
-
Accepts "homosexual"
definition of his/her
behaviour but maintains
"heterosexual" identity
of self.
-
Compartmentalizes one's
owns sexuality.
-
Tells oneself: "It's
only temporary"; "I'm
just in a love with this
particular man/woman";
"I'm really bisexual".
Possible Needs:
-
Know Gay/Lesbian
community resources.
-
Find encouragement to
talk about loss of
heterosexual
life-expectations.
-
Be permitted to keep
some "heterosexual"
identity (recognize that
it is not a
"black/white" issue).
Identity
Tolerance
-
Accepts probability of
being homosexual and
recognizes
sexual/social/emotional
needs that go with being
homosexual.
Possible
Responses:
-
Accentuates differences
between self and
heterosexuals.
-
Seeks out Lesbian/Gay
culture (Positive
contact leads to a more
positive sense of self;
negative contact leads
to devaluation of the
culture).
-
May try out variety of
stereotypical roles.
Possible Needs:
-
Be supported in
exploring homophobia -
both external and
interanlized.
-
Receive support in
finding positive
Gay/Lesbian connections
and be encourages to
keep seeing if initial
contacts are not
positive/comfortable.
Identity
Acceptance
-
Accepts, rather than
tolerates, homosexual
self-image and there is
continuing and increased
contact with the
Gay/Lesbian culture.
Possible
Responses:
-
Accepts Gay/Lesbian
self-identification.
-
May compartmentalize
"gay life".
-
Maintains less and less
contact with
heterosexual community.
-
Attempts to "fit in" or
"not make waves" with
the Gay/Lesbian
community.
-
Begins some "selective"
disclosure of sexual
identity.
Possible Needs:
-
Continuing exploring
grief/loss of
heterosexual life
expectations.
-
Continue exploring
internalized homophobia.
-
Find support in
decisions about where,
when, and to whom she/he
self-discloses.
Identity Pride
-
Immerses self in
Gay/Lesbian culture.
-
Less and less
involvement with
heterosexual community.
Responsible
Responses:
-
Splits worlds into "gay"
and "straight (All that
is "gay" is good/All
that is "straight"
[heterosexual] is bad.).
-
Experiences disclosure
"crises" with
heterosexuals (family,
co-workers, etc.) as
he/she becomes less
willing to "blend
in"/hide.
Identity
Synthesis
-
Recognizes that "us" vs.
"them no longer holds
true.
-
Increased healthy
interaction with
heterosexual community.
Possible
Responses:
-
Continues to be angry at
homophobia, but with
decrease intensity.
-
Allows trust of others
to increase and build.
-
Gay/Lesbian identity is
integrated with all
aspects of "self".
-
Homosexuality is no
longer the primary
personal identifier.
Adapated from
Berzon, Betty.
Permanent
Partners, pp.
44-60, EP
Dutton, New
York. 1988 |
