ASCENDING THE HIGH SEAT

STUART RESNICK: Last year we went up to Providence Zen Center in Rhode Island, and Al and I got up early to do the Zen practice, while Janardan and Mark stayed behind and tried to make breakfast in the monastery.

ALAN ROSS: Coffee and toast!

JANARDAN: That was the time you stole an orange off the Buddha's altar, Al, wasn't it?

ALAN: Banana, banana. For myself. Totally self-centered ...

STUART: At Providence, there were hundreds of people ...

ALAN: Dignitaries.

STUART: ... for this Transmission Ceremony. Meaning they were naming new Zen Masters. A lot of Zen Masters and monks and dignitaries from the Korean temples were there for the ceremony.

[We were told that the bathrooms inside the Zen center were reserved for these guests, while temporary stalls were set up outside for the rest of us.]

ALAN: I just decided that was a bunch of bullshit and I had every right in the world to use the facilities, as much as the Korean dignitaries did.

JANARDAN: Boy, you were flatulently irreverent the whole time we were there, weren't you?

ALAN: No, not deliberately. It was just the kind of thing where I felt strongly about it, and rather than defecating in one of those Porta-Johns, I wanted to do it inside the building like all the other dignitaries.

JANARDAN: All the other WHAT?

STUART: Dignitaries.

ALAN: The luminaries.

JANARDAN: Oh, so they were very dignified on the bowl.

ALAN: So I strode in there proudly and went to use the bathroom and I figured I'd be anonymous. Unfortunately, a monk of some type decided he had to use the bathroom. Luckily I had locked the door so he was banging on the door while I was in there. I didn't know what else to do, so I mustered up my best Korean accent and I said, "DAIR-RISS SUM-WUN IN-EEHRR!!" And that was it! I was fine for the next fifteen minutes. I strode out again and everyone noticed I was not a Korean monk, but I proudly walked outside and rejoined my companions.

WAYNE HINKLE: Were they shocked?

ALAN: What could they say? I obviously had balls. They admired that.

Then there was the Toast Monk. We had gone to the morning chant, and I guess Janardan and Mark decided to sleep in.

JANARDAN: We had ended up talking a long time the night before in the temple. Actually, we were talking about women, which was probably inappropriate to begin with. We got to sleep late and woke up in time, but decided in fact we did not desire to get out of bed to bow 108 times with everyone else. Instead we decided to make ourselves breakfast. They had a kitchen area and we opened up all the cupboards and found stuff to prepare. After a few minutes, a monk came out and saw our coffee percolating, and upbraided us, saying, "Making coffee? You should be with the others!" And at that very moment, our toast popped up!

ALAN: I did feel that we were continually embarrassing Stuart among his people, and yet, I think even Mu Ryang Su Nim [another monk at the ceremony] saw the humor of it, which was gratifying.

STUART: The Banana Incident was that Al couldn't go to sleep, I guess. He was out walking late at night where they had this altar set up to Buddha for this Big Ceremony the next day with all the offerings to Buddha in front of it.

ALAN: I woke up in the middle of the night. Some guy was snoring, so I left the sleeping quarters of the monastery. I walked down this pathway in this dreamlike, foglike condition. The moon was just coming through the trees. And suddenly I saw this tent all lit up at night with all these spotlights and no people in it. And there was this beautiful altar set up with a statue of the Buddha.

Now, the whole reason for my action was ... well, it was selfish, but it was also for a purpose. I was taking this medication at the time and I couldn't take it without food. So there's no food to be had, and suddenly I see this altar with all kinds of fantastic fruits - bananas and oranges and apples. So, you know, despite my guilt over doing it, I just reached up and I grabbed a banana. And I ate the banana. Then the next day I had tremendous remorse about it and I sheepishly told Stuart about it.

STUART: I recall you were hesitating to tell me because you thought I would say, "We have to leave RIGHT NOW!"

ALAN: Like I committed some grievous ... We had a good time, though.

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