Confessions of a Senior Valley Girl

CONFESSIONS OF A
SENIOR VALLEY GIRL

(Performed 9/25/98 for the first Ed Zeplin Show
in Port Townsend, WA)

Hello, I’m Linda! Or you can call me “Stoner”, a throwback from the 60s!......Wow, this is my big debut of coming out of the closet....of my mind. Friends told me to just relax and be my...............SELVES. Yeah, which ones? I’ve got a very big inner family crowding me up here. (Stretch out arms as if to hold them back.)

You ever notice how some people at midlife do weird things? I think it’s a hormonal thing. Some people take up skydiving or golf or have an affair....Anybody here.....? Me, I decide to get up on stage and face my greatest fear—public humiliation! Hey, my inner exhibitionist is kicking my ass onto the stage (pretend to open up trench coat)...”Yeah, look at me!...” while my inner child is screaming with terror. (Baby voice) “No, don’t make me go out there. Don’t look at me!” (Adult voice) “Look at me!” “No, don’t look at me!....” (Opens pretend trench coat) “Look at me!”

LOVE YOUR INNER IDIOT

(To audience) Aren’t you tired of coddling the inner child? Don’t you think it’s time for him to grow up already? I think it’s time to love your inner idiot, you know, your schlemiel! The one who hides your keys and makes you say and do stupid things. How many times have you opened the refrigerator door and stared stupidly inside as if waiting for it to give you directions! Who do you think that is? Say hello to your inner idiot! In fact, say hello to the one sitting next to you!

SENIOR VALLEY GIRL

(Puts hand on hip and strikes a pose.) I bet you’re wondering where I got my training......(puts on rhinestone sunglasses) I’m an original Valley Girl from the San Fernando Valley. Hey, we were too bitchen! I learned to talk very fast because I was afraid that if I stopped talking I’d forget what I was going to say next........... (Flips head about......pauses..........) Oh, oh! (stares some more)........ Actually, I’m working up to Senior Valley Girl or Valley Girl Crone!....... Yeah, I can see it now a bunch of us old babes cruising Van Nuys Blvd. in a fleet of Mercedes’ (puff on pretend cigarette and flick it)....

I grew up in Beautiful Downtown Burbank, on SCREENLAND DRIVE, a block from HOLLYWOOD WAY, near Warner Bros. and the Rat Factory, or Walt Disney Studios where my Daddy worked.

DISNEYLAND SCHOOL OF LIFE

You could say I graduated from the Disneyland School of Life (puts on mouse ears).Let’s see, there was Fantasyland, Adventureland and Tomorrowland and now I’m living in Never Never Land.................or Port Townsend! Any Disneyland Debutantes out there? Oh, there’s one. (Excitedly) Is that Annette?And what is your name? Oh, it’s also Linda! .........That was the hot name of the 50s but you notice no one’s naming their kids Linda these days...........(Sing) Li Li Li Li Li Li Li Li Li LIN-DA.........

(Growing serious) I’ll never forget that fateful night many years ago when I dropped LSD at Disneyland........! What a fright night that was! There were all these hideous faces melting before my eyes (putting hands to head in horror). The only ones real that night were the Pirates of the Caribbean. “Yo ho yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!”.....Argh!! I always did want to be a pirate or Peter Pan.............And then there was the Monsanto Ride that at the end reduced you to a molecule. I’ve never quite recovered from that D-Land trip. Now I have acid flashbacks when I go into malls and fear I can’t find my way out. (Make the sound of the fly) “Help me!” Anyone out there survive the 60s?

30TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

I just went to my 30th high school reunion. Anybody here ever attend a high school reunion? Anybody here graduate from high school? At the reunion, we spent the whole evening squinting at each other trying to read the nametags and figure out whom we “remembered”. Yeah, John Burroughs Class of ‘68! Go Indians! I never participated in school activities. Too busy with extracurricular activities! (Demonstrate drinking and inhaling deeply from a joint.) God, I thought I hated those people until I realized that we are all pretty much the same—now we’re going blind and losing our short-term memory!! Hey, we survived puberty in the 60s together.....I think. And there’s some consolation that some of the cheerleaders got fat. The jocks lost their hair. The nerdy guys became rich or hip. The wallflower chicks became stewardesses. Hey, which one were you? I was somewhere on the fringe with the rowdy, fun people.............. yeah, the ones most likely to commit a felony......... But......... I got prettiest hair, by golly in my senior year. Look where “Miss Hair” got me (pulls out photo of me sitting coquettishly beside Burbank Asst. City Manager)—Here’s my first job in government as intern to Henry Kissinger! (Shows group) Nixon got me the job! “Oh, Henry!” God, I loved that polyester leopard print dress I wore! Check out this hair! I spent almost every night in 3” brush rollers. I still have the creases in my head to prove it. Any ladies here wear their hair in a bubble or had helmet hair? How about a flip? I’m surprised we’re not on respirators for the amount of Aquanet we sprayed. (Cough!) I think it was my generation who put the hole in the ozone! God what teases we were! Teasing our hair, teasing the guys!!! Those were the days when harassment was considered flattery.......!

OLD FOLKS HIPPY COMMUNE

So, where do the Boomers go from here as we sail into the millennium and into our 50s? Do you think we’ll ever grow up??? I’m one of those who chose not to have kids. Does not having kids mean not having to grow up? So, now my husband and I are childless orphans. You may think “Oh, isn’t that sad.” At least we get to choose who comes to dinner! Some people have asked “So, who’s going to take care of you in old age?”Who’s going to take care of you? How about the government?! We might not have social security or a government in 2020, so my husband and I are starting to talk to other aging Boomers about establishing an “old-folks-hippy commune”. Yeah, we’ll bring back Love-Ins! Remember them? What a trip, man! We’d build our oldies retreat on Penny Lane, just left off Abbey Road and Blue Jay Way......... We’ll share our 60s stories and grow old together listening to Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin. Remember, all you need is love............and MONEY! Anybody interested in offering financial backing, please see me after the show.....