The sun had dipped below the horizon and Sully was lighting the lamps against the oncoming dark before he finally saw Matthew.  The young man tapped lightly on the glass of the window in the clinic door before turning the handle and somewhat tentatively (Sully might even have said reluctantly) entering the room.

     Sully looked up as Matthew came in, and gave him a smile of welcome.  “Since when did you start knockin’?” he said cordially.

     “I—I thought Andrew was in here.  Figured you’d be restin’,” Matthew said, clearly ill-at-ease at being face-to-face with Sully, but trying to disquise it.

     “I have been, but you know me—I hate to be laid up in bed,” Sully answered.  “We missed you today—where you been keepin’ yourself?” he added conversationally.

     “I was out doin’ chores at the homestead.  Then when I got into town, I went over to the livery to work with Robert E.,” Matthew said.  “I’ve been fillin’ in, helpin’ him out, since you—well, haven’t been able to,” he finished awkwardly.

     “That’s a kind way of puttin’ it,” Sully said.  “But I’m afraid your ma and the family ain’t the only ones I left high and dry since this whole thing with the reservation started.”

     “That ain’t what I meant,” Matthew said hastily.

     “I know it ain’t, Matthew.  But I still feel bad, leavin’ you and Brian to to do all the work ‘cause I ain’t there to take care of my responsibilities.”
 
     “A few extra chores ain’t no big thing, Sully,” said Matthew.  “I’m glad to help out—you know that.  And my little brother’s growin’ up—he’s been a big help to me.”

     “Your ma told me,” Sully said.  “I’m real proud of Brian—I’m proud of you both,” he added.

     Matthew cut his eyes away and didn’t answer, obviously uncomfortable with Sully’s praise.

     “Well, I know Robert E. appreciates your help,” Sully said into the silence.

     “Yeah,” Matthew said briefly.  “So how you feelin’?” he asked after a moment, changing the subject.

     “I’m all right—though it looks like I won’t be throwin’ any tomahawks for awhile,” Sully answered, endeavoring to make light of his injury.

     “You’re lookin’ good,” Matthew ventured.  “I was—kinda worried when I saw you last night.”

     “I wasn’t at my best, that was clear,” Sully agreed.  “But I had a good night’s rest with your ma safe by my side, so I ain’t complainin’.”  He sat down behind Michaela’s desk and gestured toward the chair opposite.  “Sit and relax a spell—you’re lookin’ kinda tired.”

     “I—didn’t get too much sleep last night,” Matthew admitted as he seated himself.

     “I don’t think very many people did—‘cept me, I guess,” Sully said.  “Last night was hard on everyone,” he added kindly.

     “How’s Dr. Mike?” Matthew said quickly, as if to forestall further mention of the previous night’s events.  “I stopped by to see her ‘bout mid-day, but she was asleep.”

     “She’s doin’ all right—she was up and walkin’ a little this morning,” Sully told him, hoping to lift Matthew’s mood with the news.

     Matthew’s eyes brightened slightly.  “She was?  That’s good.  I was afraid—that is, I thought—maybe she might have a setback, after . . . everythin’,” he finished awkwardly.

     “She’s all right, Matthew,” Sully assured him.  “Tired, but that’s to be expected.  Though I gotta confess, I didn’t help matters much this mornin’.  I—got into a dust-up with Hank, and I know it upset her,” he said carefully, watching Matthew’s expression.  His stepson’s eyes were wary.

     “You had trouble with Hank?” Matthew said after a brief hesitation.

     “More like, he had trouble with me.  It was me who really provoked it,” Sully replied.  “Hank came over to talk to us, and I had kind of a bad reaction to what he said.”

     Matthew shot him an apprehensive look, but didn’t answer.  Sully studied him, trying to think of a gentle way to encourage his stepson to talk about the troubling subject that hung between them.

     “Matthew—“ he began finally, but the young man cut him off.

     “Sully—there’s somethin’ I gotta talk to you about,” Matthew said in a rush.  “I’ve been tryin’ to think how to say it, but I can’t seem to find the right words—or maybe the truth is, I couldn’t find the courage.  But I guess Hank saved me the trouble.  I don’t know what he said to you exactly, but I can guess.  I know you must be angry—maybe you even hate me.  I wouldn’t blame you.  I wish I could go back and change what I done—I’d give anythin’ if things hadn’t happened last night the way they did—“  Matthew’s voice was unsteady, and Sully thought he saw a glint of tears in the young man’s eyes.

     “Matthew, it’s all right,” he interrupted gently.  “I understand how you feel.  You’re right—Hank told us everythin’.   But I need you to know--*I don’t blame you.*  Neither does your ma.”  He regarded Matthew earnestly.

     “But you should!”  Matthew burst out.  “You got every right.  I lied to you Sully!  I let McKay talk me into believin’ I was helpin’ you by holdin’ back the truth about Flagg, and instead I almost got you and Dr. Mike killed!  Truth is, I don’t even got the right to blame McKay for this—I didn’t have to listen to him,” he went on bitterly.

     “Matthew, you’re not the cause of what happened,” Sully stressed.  “Fact is, I think Flagg was bound and determined to get us no matter what, and I figure it don’t matter what anyone knew, or what they did to stop it—it wouldn’t have made any difference.”

     “But you still had a right to know,” Matthew insisted.

     “Maybe that’s true,” Sully answered quietly.  “But to be honest, even if I had, I don’t think it would have changed things.  Either I might have done somethin’ foolish, just like McKay and Hank thought, or I woulda driven myself crazy with worry.  It’s hard for me to admit that I ain’t as powerful as I wish I was, or that I can’t always fix things—but there it is.”

     “But you said you got into it with Hank—you musta been angry,” Matthew persisted uncertainly.

     “That’s true,” Sully confessed.  “I was more than angry—and I ain’t proud of the way I let my rage take over.  I was hard on McKay, too—and that’s somethin’ else I ain’t proud of.”

     “Then I don’t understand—if you were so angry with them, you should be just as angry with me. I lied to you just like they did,” Matthew said, confused.

     “Because once I stopped lettin’ myself be blinded by the anger, I started thinkin’ about my own mistakes, and how I hurt people even though I thought I was helpin’ them,” Sully explained.  “I realized that what McKay and Hank did, wasn’t so different from what I did when I decided to help Cloud Dancin’ and the Indians at Palmer Creek, without takin’ the time to talk to your ma, and to you, Colleen and Brian.  I thought I was doin’ a noble thing, keepin’ it to myself.  I told myself I was ‘protectin’’ you all.  ‘Stead, I put you in a far worse position, forcin’ you to lie to the town and cover for me while I was in hidin’.

     “We all got regrets, Matthew,” Sully added softly.  “We all done things we wish we hadn’t.  But I came to realize that McKay and Hank thought they were doin’ right—that they really were tryin’  to protect your ma and me.  And as far as you’re concerned, I never doubted it—not for a moment.”

     The sheen of tears was more evident in Matthew’s eyes now.  “I—appreciate that,” he said haltingly.  “I”m sorry, Sully,” he added in a broken whisper.

     Sully was aware of a tell-tale lump in his own throat.  He stood up and came around the desk.  Laying his hand compassionately on Matthew’s shoulder he said, “I am too, Matthew—for so many things.  And I want to thank you, for not holdin’ my sins against me.

     “You’re a good son, Matthew,” he added quietly.  “I couldn’t ask for better.”  He hesitated for an instant, then added,  “I ain’t usually been one to speak my feelins’ out loud—not like I should—but it’s about time I started.
I . . . love you, Matthew.”

     Matthew swallowed hard, then answered, “You been more of a pa to me than my own ever was.  You taught me so much—helped me become a man.  Even when I was sheriff, and it seemed like I turned against you—you never turned your back on me.  I’ve always been grateful for that.”  He looked straight into Sully’s eyes.  “I feel the same way about you,” he said.  He stood up, and Sully reached out his arm and pulled him into an embrace.  Matthew held onto him for a moment, feeling the warmth of Sully’s love and forgiveness blanket him like a cloak.  Sully held Matthew close, silently thanking the spirits for giving him the precious gift of a family to love, and to love him.

     They drew apart, and Sully smiled gently.  “We’re gonna be all right,” he said.

* * * * * * * * * *

     “Nice night,” Matthew commented.

     “Peaceful,” Sully agreed.  Matthew had fetched them some coffee from Grace’s, and now they sat together on the clinic porch, sipping the strong brew and looking up at the stars.

     “Sully—what you said before, about not speakin’ your feelins’?” Matthew ventured in the darkness.

     “Yeah?”

     Matthew bit his lip.  “Well, there’s some things I always wanted to say to you, too—but I never could seem to find the right time or the right words.”

     “Like what?” Sully encouraged.

     “Like lettin’ you know how much I appreciated all the things you done for me—all the ways you helped me, over the years.”

     “Matthew, I know how you feel—you don’t gotta say anymore—“ Sully began, attempting to spare Matthew from voicing sentiments that might make him uncomfortable.

     “But I do—I mean, I want to,” Matthew insisted.  “And now I finally feel like I *can*—if you’re willin’ to listen.”

     “I’ll always listen to you, Matthew.  You can say anything to me—you know that.”

     “Yeah, I do,” said Matthew.  He was quiet a moment, then resumed, “I never told you how much it meant to me to have you there when my pa went away.  You were so different from him.  He was our father, but he didn’t care about his wife or his kids—just picked up and left us and his responsibilities without a second thought.  And then there was you, as different from Pa as night from day.  You were livin’ on your own, with your own burdens to deal with—no kin to us and no obligation to be anythin’ other than a friend—yet you still cared about us and looked after us.”

     Sully stared into the depths of his coffee cup, emotion flooding him inside at Matthew’s words.

     After a pause Matthew went on, “You watched me make so many mistakes, but never held them against me.  When I was in trouble, you helped me.  When I was sad or hurtin’, you got me through it.  I—don’t know what I woulda done if you hadn’t been there.

     “You supported me when I wanted to get engaged to Ingrid, even though Dr.Mike kept sayin’ I was too young.  You and Cloud Dancin’ sent me on the vision quest, and helped me prove to Dr. Mike---and more important, to myself—that I was a man.

     “And there was the time I started gamblin’.  You didn’t agree with what I was doin’, but you helped the Reverend get my money back, and you bought back Dr. Mike’s engagement ring that I gambled away.  And the time I wanted to make some fast money workin’ in the mine, even though it meant crossin’ the picket line?  You tried to show me how bein’ a scab was wrong—that I was hurtin’ the miners who needed to work.  You tried to warn me about the danger—even told me about bein’ in a cave-in yourself, and still I wouldn’t listen.  But then you risked your life to save mine when I got trapped in the cave-in—even stopped Dr. Mike from havin’ to take my leg.  And you never said, ‘I told you so.’

     “When Olive left me her cattle and I was determined to drive them back to Colorado Springs, you tried to keep me from makin’ foolish—even dangerous—decisions.  You even put up with me fightin’ you.”

     “I wasn’t very patient or understandin’ that time, Matthew—your ma showed me that,” Sully broke in.

     “Yeah, but you were still on my side.  In my heart I always knew that, even if I didn’t act like it,” Matthew responded.  He sat silently for a moment, then said quietly, “When Ingrid got bit by Pup, you went out lookin’ for him.  When Brian and I—couldn’t bring ourselves to kill Pup, it was you who finally had the courage to shoot him and put him out of his misery.  And then after Ingrid was—was  gone—you did everythin’ you could to help me through the pain.”

     “I knew what it was like, what you were goin’ through,” Sully said softly.  “I just wanted to do whatever I could for you.”

     “I know,” Matthew acknowledged.  “It’s why you stuck up for me with Dr. Mike when I started workin’ for the railroad, drinkin’ too much and not carin’ what I did with my life.  She wanted me to come home, but you made her see that I needed to work it out on my own.”

     “I did my own share of yellin’ at you though, when you volunteered to work with the nitroglycerin,” Sully pointed out.

     “You were just tryin’ to save my life,” Matthew said.  “I was too angry, too wrapped up in my own pain to see it at the time, but after you and Dr. Mike helped to rescue me and Peter, I understood.”

     “I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t, Matthew,” Sully said.  “I was just tryin’ to keep you alive till you got through the worst of it and knew you could go on.”

     “What I regret most,” Matthew went on in a low voice, “is how I treated you when I was sheriff.  When you tried to stop the dam bein’ built, and I treated you so bad and had to arrest you, you must have felt like I was betrayin’ you.”

     “You were doin’ your job, Matthew—upholdin’ the law the way you were sworn to.  I respected you for that, and I wouldn’t have expected nothin’ else.”

     “Still, it must have hurt you,” Matthew said.

     “Maybe a little—but I was proud of you, Matthew, for doin’ your duty.  It ain’t easy makin’ those kinds of choices.  I learned that again with Hank and McKay,” Sully told him.

     “I just—I want to say I’m sorry, for all the times I didn’t listen to you, or acted like I didn’t appreciate your help and your friendship,” Matthew said sincerely.  “I look up to you Sully—I always have—and that’s never changed, no matter what we been through.”

     “You know  Matthew, it ain’t been all one-sided,” Sully said.  “Not by a long shot.  You’ve done a lot for me, too—more than you’ll probably ever know.”

     “What have I done?” Matthew asked, sounding genuinely curious.

     “For starters, you welcomed me into your heart—made me feel like I was part of your family.  You know, when Abagail died, I was lucky to find Cloud Dancin’ and the Cheyenne.  They became my family, and I thought they were all I’d ever want or need—till I got to know and care about all of you.  There was still an empty place inside me, but I didn’t even know it till all of you filled it up—filled me up.

    “You helped me too, Matthew—over and over.  When Rankin beat me, and I was paralyzed, you helped your ma take care of me and help me learn to walk again.  And when Brian hit his head and went blind—“   His voice shook a little.  “You were the one who was set on buildin’ the schoolhouse, for his sake—and made Robert E. and me see that we needed to put our feelins’ aside about Negro and Indian children not bein’ welcome there.  I never told you how much I admired you for carin’ for Brian like that.”  Sully stopped speaking for a moment and averted his face, but not before Matthew caught a glint of tears in his eyes.

     Sully cleared his throat.  After a pause he said, “And what about when I followed your ma to Boston?  When I saw her with William, and I thought I had no chance—you were the one who talked me into stayin’, and fightin’ for her.  You and your brother and sister—you taught me what to do, how to act—to earn her admiration.”

     “You already had that, Sully.  We just helped you learn how to act like a—a ‘Boston gentleman.’”  Matthew’s  tone was mildly scornful.  Sully shook his head.

     “That sure was some foolishness,” he agreed.  “Still, I ‘spose it didn’t hurt me none to polish off some of the rough edges,” he added.

     “But you helped me in Boston too,” Matthew said.  “You explained to Dr. Mike why I was so anxious to get back to Colorado Springs.”

     “Your ma just didn’t understand what it feels like to be a ‘man in love,’” Sully replied.  The two men smiled at each other in commiseration.

     “And that still ain’t all you done for me,” Sully went on.  “When I got shot in the back by the army, you saved my life.”

     “Colleen and Jake done that, not me,” Matthew protested.  “They’re the ones that operated on you.”

     “But you and Robert E.—you’re the ones that found me, and got me to the cave.  If you hadn’t, I woulda died.  A few years later, you saved my life again—when I fell from the cliff.  Day after day you went out with your ma lookin’ for me.  You wouldn’t rest till you found me.

     “And it cost you, Matthew.  When McKay made things hard for you, you gave up your badge, for my sake.  I never thanked you properly for makin’ that kind of sacrifice.”

     “I just had to ask myself what mattered more to me:  you, or bein’ sheriff,” Matthew answered.  “It was no contest, Sully.”

     “And now, you’re helpin’ me again—by helpin’ your ma, by runnin’ the homestead, and by defendin’ me in my trial,” said Sully.

     “You—you still want me to be your lawyer?” Matthew asked haltingly.

     Sully reached out and grasped his shoulder.  “I never stopped,” he said.