WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #10!
This Page created on May 28, 1998!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 10
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
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A newfie gangster mob is deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing their next bank. After several previous successful bank heists, they all agree on the way to go about it, and in the wee hours of the following morning, embark on their plans to get rich yet again. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system got under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and happy) to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers were surprised to find only vanilla pudding. "Well bye,"said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat." The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. All the safes contained little containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs. The following morning, a St. John's newspaper headline read: "Newfoundland's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning..."
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Three cheers for Viagra!
Thanks to the folks at PfizerInc., Americans both male and female are cheering the end of male impotence. And the company's stock is shooting up faster than the male appendages its new product
is said to revive. Soon phrases like, "This has never happened to me before," "I must be more tired than I thought I was" and the ever-popular "Oh... wanna watch TV?" will be banished from our collective vocabulary. What has struck me most about this new drug is how excited women are about it. Well, I've got news for you, ladies: Already development at Pfizer's Male Behavioral Health Laboratory (staffed entirely by female scientists, by the way) are a dozen or so other new drugs which - if perfected and deemed safe for humans - promise to alter your man's chemistry in yet more ways which should suit you fancy.
Here are some of the most promising, courtesy of my super-secret sources inserted deep within the company.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
MICROSOFTAGRA - The antidote for big companies that have grown too fast.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
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A man was rapidly growing tired of his wife's constant habit of saying "just a sec"... "just a sec" every time he tried to get her attention. He felt like he was always on the back burner with her. One night, he called to his wife who was in the other room and was greeted with the usual "just a sec" response. He completely lost control and yelled at the top of his lungs, probably loud enough that the whole block could hear, "I'm so sick of this! No More 'Sec's!!!!!!!!"
Immediately realizing what he had just said, he then shouted, with equal volume, "Well... maybe just a little bit more!!!!!!"
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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
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In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?"
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A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (United 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206).
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate. "
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop."
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Does Bill Gates have a problem we don't know about?
1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to > open the thesaurus)
And then you'll know why he named his company Microsoft.
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold, and she is surrounded by buckets of money.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young princess.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- my cat is my best friend. I really love him. Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "
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A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
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The Cintons took a break and went to Camp David for 10 days. While away, Janet Reno offered to care for the First Parrot named Polly Bird. The pet parrot is not public knowledge because it has a fowl mouth. (Yes, that pun was certainly intended). Janet got irked with it for making fun of her, and accidentially killed it in a fit of childish anger. Worried at what she had done, she went to buy another parrot. She search all of the DC metro area for another parrot that looked like the first one. After two days, she finally found a dead ringer that wasn't dead. Unfortunately, the pet store owner ran a brothel upstairs and would let the parrot sit on the shoulder of the bouncer when he greeted his guests each night.
Undeterred (and facing a deadline) Janet paid a high price for the bird and returned to the White House. When Chelsea got back from Camp David, she said "Hi Polly" to the bird. The bird said, "Too Young. Too Young."
Hillary came in and said, "Hello, Polly Bird" to the bird. It said, "Too old. Too old."
Bill walked in and said, "Hi, Bird." The bird said, "Hi, Bill."
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in h*** of hitting her from here!"
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Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
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A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.
There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
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Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If you are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on it and then press it.
If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J.
To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E-T-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-E.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
To speak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.
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Dear Taxpayer,
The only thing the Internal Revenue has not taxed is your male organ. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed; 30% of the time it is pissed off; 20% of the time it is hard up; and 10% of the time it is employed but it operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after March 1, 1997, your pecker will be taxed on its size. Using the Male Organ scale below determine your category and enclose additional tax under "Other Taxed" page 2, Part V, Line 3
of the standard income tax return.
10 -12 inches .....Luxury Tax $50.00
8 -9 inches ..........Pole Tax $25.00
6-7 inches ...........Priviledge Tax $15.00
4-5 inches............Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
Note: Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension. Males with organs in excess of 12 inches should be filed under capital gains.
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One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the cars or planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me in."
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An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."
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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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A man and his wife were out driving one day and came upon a sign at a local airport: "Airplane rides: $10". Out of curiosity, they went up to the pilot, and he invited them to ride in his plane for $10. But the man declined. The pilot, being somewhat of a huckster said: "I will give you the ride free, if you sit back there and say nothing during my entire flight. But if you speak, you pay me the $10." The man thought he could do that, so he and his wife got into the back seat together.
Off they went, with the pilot giving them his entire aerobatic routine. They did loops, outside loops, snap rolls, split "S's" Immelman turns, even Lomcevaks, but not a word from the backseat.
When they landed, the pilot hopped out, grinning and said to the man, "Well, sir, you did very well, you sat back there during my extreme aerobatic routine and didn't say a word." Whereupon the man said: "Well, I almost did, when Mable fell out."
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A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore,and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an
experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A month later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's in a coma, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...""
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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died firstwould try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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Late one evening a drunk staggered into the YMCA and asked to be put up for the night. The arrangements were made and he staggered to his room where he found another fellow sitting on the lower bunk. "Where in thehell is the john?" the intoxicated gent asked his room mate. The roomie obligingly said; " go out the door turn left and its the first door on the right. Be careful though, he admonished, there are three stairs steps down into the room." The drunk exited the room, turned right and entered the first door on the the left, an open elevator door, sans elevator. He plummeted down the two flights to the base of the shaft, landing with a thump. Rising to his feet the drunk spat and said "To hell with those other two stairs, I'm pissin' right here!"
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, just a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half. " The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir." "Oh, really? why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "Because there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." the boy replied. "Hey! My wife is from Canada!" announced the offended manager. The boy replied, "Really! what team did she play for?"
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One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
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A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner> agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
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One fall day, Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Joe. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Joe then asked who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line." replied the man.
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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
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A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. Whereupon the mother said, "I'm Monica.......my little girl's name is Tammy."
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A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy
dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends, all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."
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PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes-a billion-to-one shot, at least."
The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zoo keeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.
"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zoo keeper Kurt Herrman recalled.
"He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control."
But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down.
"I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said.
"But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity -- and not something that should be attempted alone."
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It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and Floppies are them little ole plasctic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = oops
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff dat does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
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There was a husband and wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and say's, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunk said, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!! "
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Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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A man, his wife and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus finally arrives, but the blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?"
The blind man retorts, "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd both be on that bus."
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"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.
Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
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1. You brag that you are online more hours than Vice President Gore.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the"real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call PizzaHut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think,"Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you,and think they can.
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"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, The sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Yes, I'm afraid so," The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is."
"This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor.
The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....' and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
sent by LittleMair@aol.com
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A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
