WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #11!
This Page created on August 21, 1998!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 11
********************************************************************************
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?".
She says "Sure. What size are you?".
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?".
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?".
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?".
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3".
********************************************************************************
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G:"What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS:"We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS:"Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
********************************************************************************
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
********************************************************************************
It's reported that the United States Postal Service was considering a new First Class Stamp with Bill & Hillary's picture on it. With the first prototype they were baffled to learn the new stamp was not sticking to the envelopes. After a little more research they discovered that people were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
********************************************************************************
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
********************************************************************************
Dave Letterman's Top10
10. We'll pick your pocket and steal your heart.
9. If our strippers don't smile, the next lap dance is free.
8. We break more laws by 9 AM than most cities do all day.
7. Come explore our mysterious puddles.
6. It's the city that never sleeps and rarely bathes.
5. Twice the fun and three times the crack.
4. We love to grope and it shows.
3. Food, folks, and felonies.
2. Yes that's a revolver in our pants, and yes we are happy to see you.
1. New York: the Gateway to Newark.
********************************************************************************
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
***
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
***
I have an Uncle who firmly believes that a career and marriage don't mix. So, when he got married, he stopped working.
***
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
***
A Southwest flight once was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
***
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
***
St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
********************************************************************************
Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful tidings to her Mother.
"Oh Mom !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant!"
"Ye gads!!!" screamed the Mother. "And just who is the Father?"
The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell would I know. You're the one who would never let me go steady."
***
There was this guy in a bar having a drink and looking really glum. The Bartender asked what was wrong.
The man said, " I had a fight with my wife, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
***
Funny how $10 looks so big when we take it to church and so small when we take it to the store.
***
President Clinton's claim that the Bible does not consider oral sex to be adultery may have some merit. For more information on this see, "Paul's Epistle to Penthouse."
***
Doctors aren't touting one major side effect of the impotency drug, Viagra. Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in...
***
While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge".
***
Old age is when a broad mind and a narrow waist trade places.
********************************************************************************
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber. He takes a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, saying, "Just place this between your cheek and gum while I shave each side." The customer places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds as planned and the result on the first cheek is obviously the closest shave the man has ever experienced. As the barber is finishing the second cheek, the customer asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow this thing?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
********************************************************************************
Bill, Jim, & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
********************************************************************************
A man went into a bar and ordered a double. When it came, he drank it straight down and ordered another. He drank it straight down also. This went on for about four drinks. Finally the concerned bartender said, "You know, you really shouldn't be drinking so much."
The man replied, "I know. Especially with what I've got."
"What have you got?" asked the bartender.
"One dollar." said the man.
***
I'm not saying it wasn't a good restaurant or anything, but the catch of the day was fish sticks.
***
I've come to the conclusion that the two biggest liars in the world are the guest who keeps saying "I really must be going." and the host who asks "What's your hurry ?"
***
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
********************************************************************************
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
********************************************************************************
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he
still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the
flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting
and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
********************************************************************************
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
********************************************************************************
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking through the cars. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give him enough money to cover the cost ofthe judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far?" "About ten gallons."
********************************************************************************
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
********************************************************************************
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown woke up early and went to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!
Everyone started screaming and ran for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
This confused Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man said, "Yep, sure do."
Satan said, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man said, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
********************************************************************************
What help-wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell
her story?
She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.
Monica said she may as well be truthful now about Bill because she doesn't think she stands a chance of getting on the Presidential Staff again.
Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.
Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room?
You can't corner anyone in the oval office.
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence.
What's Bill's favorite garden tool?
A Blower.
What's the Oval Office Motto?
Wait 'til we get our hands on you.
The White House scandal wasn't really Bill's fault. It was just something he got sucked into.
Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
Did you hear that Clinton has broken the 11th commandment?
"Thou shalt not place thy rod in thy staff"
What's the worst thing Bill ever heard during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!!"
The difference between Bill and his dog Buddy is that Buddy chases his own tail.
Asked what she thought of Bill's "State of the Union" address, Monica replied, "I'll give it two legs up!"
Did you hear that Bill is supporting a new math curriculum in our nation's schools?
He wants everyone to know that 50 can go into 21 without getting five to ten.
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.
How did the stain get on Monica's dress?
Clinton came across her in the Oval Office.
What's Bill's new pick up line?
"Would you be interested in a position under the president?"
If Monica was a bird, what kind would she be?
A swallow.
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!
Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition...I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the white house, the other is a chocolate lab.
Aide (to President): Kenneth Starr sucks!
Bill: Well, send him right in!
What was Clinton saying to Monica during their video hug?
"I told you to lick my erection, NOT wreck my election!"
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words I put in her mouth."
Kenneth Starr finally found out what the distinguishing characteristic on Bill Clinton's penis was.
It was Monica.
********************************************************************************
I are Starr
Starr I Are.
I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Anymore...
Perhaps I'll go
And start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs start
Falling on Iraq!
********************************************************************************
Esther Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She put her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing what it was, put her hand behind and asked "Class I am holding something in my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it?" Several hands went up.
Esther said, "Yes Robert".
Robert, "is it an apple?"
Esther replied, "No Robert, who else can try?"
Peter called out, "its an orange."
The young teacher said, "No."
James shouted, "it's a tomato!"
"Very good James, that's correct", the teacher answered.
Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test the class's imagination"
Esther, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use foul language, said "okay, go ahead".
Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding something in my hand, its three inches long and has a head, what is it?"
The class was quite and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and keep quite, I don't want any of your silly jokes."
Johnny, smiling removes his hand from his pocket and says, "it's a match stick, Miss Cohen you have a lot of imagination."
********************************************************************************
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are 100 native warriors with a look of
shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."
********************************************************************************
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
********************************************************************************
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How’d you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That’s awful," says the first man. " How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It’s very uncomfortable at first, "says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go." "You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That’s so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
********************************************************************************
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third question?"
***
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money . . his new slogan was:
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS - YOU GET YOUR CAT BACK!
***
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
********************************************************************************
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [puportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated...
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
********************************************************************************
An eighty year old man visits the doctor. He tells the doctor he is about to be married to a 25 year old and wants to start a family. The old man asks for something to make him virile.
The doctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to make a suggestion. "I think you you should take in a young boarder."
Several months go by and the old man visits the doctor again.
"How are you?" says the doctor.
"I'm fine!" says the patient.
"And how is your wife?" says the doctor.
"She's pregnant!" says the old man.
"Did you take in a young boarder like I suggested?" says the doctor.
"Yes I did!" says the patient.
"And how is the boarder?" says the doctor.
"Oh!" says the patient, "She's pregnant too!"
********************************************************************************
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
********************************************************************************
Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello:That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
********************************************************************************
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, "What is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
""Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar. "You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he runs up to make up. "Who are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT"
********************************************************************************
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles or sports cars.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
********************************************************************************
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
********************************************************************************
A blond customer of Goldstein's delicatessen marveled at his consistent perspicacity. "What makes you so smart?" she wondered.
"Herring heads," said Goldstein promptly. "Eat enough herring heads and you'll be positively brilliant."
"Can I buy some here?" she asked. "Certainly," said Goldstein. "They're fifty cents apiece."
The lady took three. A week later she complained that her I.Q. was unchanged.
"You didn't eat enough yet," said Goldstein, so this time she took twenty herring heads. Cost: ten dollars.
On her next visit, she was more perturbed than ever. "Say," she accosted Goldstein. "You sell me a whole herring for fifteen cents. Why should I pay you fifty cents for just the head?"
"You see," beamed Goldstein, "how much smarter you are getting?"
********************************************************************************
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify."
The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability."
********************************************************************************
A pirate walks into a tavern. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand and a patch over his right eye. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies,"Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off."
The young man then asked, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the British, and one of the bastards cut me hand off," answered the pirate. "So they put this hook on me."
Next, the young man asked, "How did you lose your eye?” “I was standing on the deck of me boat," says the pirate, "and a bird flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The young man, now completely confused, says, "That’s it? A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?"
The pirate replies, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."
********************************************************************************
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Ginger, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
********************************************************************************
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol,the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!"
********************************************************************************
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
********************************************************************************
Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill, we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity."
So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.
"No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."
"Fair enough," replies Satan.
Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack.
"No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either."
Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles.
"Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."
Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Monica, you can leave now...... Your replacement's here!"
********************************************************************************
In the middle of a forest, a hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally he turned and ran as fast as he could.
He ran and ran and eventually wound up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were fading fast.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in at a rapid pace, he fell to his knees and prayed, "Dear God, PLEASE give this bear some religion!"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear come to an abrupt stop, and glanced around somewhat confused. Suddenly the bear looked up in to the sky
and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive."
********************************************************************************
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells. "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite".
********************************************************************************
"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." -- William Jefferson Clinton, 1974 on President Nixon.
********************************************************************************
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son -of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... you know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Shoot, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
********************************************************************************
Back To Jokes Page #1 Back To Jokes Page #2
Back To Jokes Page #3 Back To Jokes Page #4
Back To Jokes Page #5 Back To Jokes Page #6
Back To Jokes Page #7 Back To Jokes Page #8
THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
