WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #12!
This Page created on September 20, 1998!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 12
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PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question.
3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
13. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little boy says firmly.
The man considers the position he is in for a moment. "Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?"
"Twenty-five dollars," the little extortionist replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her little boy.
"It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much this time?" the hiding lover responds.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"What did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and glove were.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!" The father hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit again," says the priest.
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses,etc.
"I would like to buy this TV." she stated upon her return to the store.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
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Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father
had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband contined to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out this wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
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LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When yore not keerful gettin that farwood ofn the truck.
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to keery too much farwood.
RAM: Thats the thang whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut in the winter time.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flies do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's left in the munchie bag.
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go. Fred eats em.
MODEM: Whatcha done to the hayfields.
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic knives and forks.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northern for "Come on in y'all!"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't remember what ya paid fer yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
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There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been
shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?
There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
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A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?"
Audrey replies, "Oh, Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right.Yes, three times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.So, when was number two?"
"Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling.I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?"
"Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club ... and you were 17 votes short?"
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
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Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's beena little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great,
he thinks-let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back,
"Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"
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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...
However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
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"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know.'"
-- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" interview with Diane Sawyer.
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner, "I want a pet that can do everything."
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That is so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat can't do everything! I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede being able to do everything, but okay, I'll take a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, the kitchen is immaculate! All of the dishes and silverware has been washed, dried and put away, the floor has been waxed and the counter tops cleaned. The appliances even sparkle!
The man is absolutely amazed! He tells the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
In twenty minutes, the living room is spotless! The floors have been vacuumed, the tables dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants have been watered.
The man thinks to himself. "This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen! This is truly a pet that can do everything!" He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a paper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Here it is 45 minutes later and no centipede! He starts to wonder what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Was he hit by a car? Finally he goes to the door and opens it. There sits the centipede on the front porch.
The man says, "Hey! Forty-five minutes ago I sent you to the corner store to get me a newspaper, what's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin', I'm goin'! I'm putting on my shoes!"
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Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial"on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you
just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer experience - to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how
much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.
Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this:
http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.
Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!
Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles.. It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.
Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes."
So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!
Wazootyman is waiting for you.
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A presidential staff advisor walks into the daiy meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra..."
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Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents that would support a new antitrust case. Man, I hope the federal government wins. I like to root for the little guy.
***
I don't trust President Clinton, or her husband!
***
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
***
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
***
My wife has a Saint Christopher medal hanging from the rearview mirror. Of course, her Saint Christopher is wearing a crash helmet.
***
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
***
I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise - So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.
***
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"
***
Two old men who had been friends since the first world war, were sitting on a park bench.
1st man: "Jack, do you remember in the great war, how they use to put bromide in our tea, to stop us thinking about girls?"
2nd man: "Yes, why?"
1st man: "I think it's starting to work"
***
"Mr. Smith, would you like to participate in group sex?"
"Who's involved?"
"Me, you, and your wife."
"NO!"
"Fine. Then I'll take your name off the list."
***
For Sale by Owner: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica Excellent condition, but no longer needed; wife and kids know everything.
***
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the thirdsenior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final
days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F__k you!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in line continued laughing at him.
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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter leafs through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either. Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, I'll let you in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. "
"I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear."
"As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! That really should have been in this record. When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."
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It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?"
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last chance.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. His wife, though, began
describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor approached her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and then sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. The husband stood in disbelief.
"Mister," said the counsellor, "your wife needs that at sort of attention at least twice a week."
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
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One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."
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A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
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3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care. She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"
The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"
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A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more advertisements for me to apply."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company until now...And you were there beside me."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me. There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband.
Sobbing with emotion, he said, " I think you really bring me bad luck.."
********************************************************************************
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
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I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh!" said the salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"
********************************************************************************
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes,I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger repeatedly then once in the eye and said, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
********************************************************************************
This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.
The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said: "What was that for?".
The old lady said: "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair.
She got up and said: "What was that for?"
The old man said: "That's for knowing the difference."
********************************************************************************
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the
form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company, 'The Anal Sex and Pedophilia Perversion Company.'
Texas and Federal authorities are still trying to figure out what they can charge them with.
********************************************************************************
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!"
"Honey, let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard," she screamed.
"You impotent son of a--"
"Speaking of sneaky," he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!!???"
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
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A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?"
The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
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A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves.
The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled; I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Jimmie
P.S. - The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
********************************************************************************
...were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" She did.
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips
provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125!! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodby." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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As the sun rose over Paris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "My first day here, you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush and sent me to the dentist - who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."
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On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
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A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
