WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #13!
This Page created on November 5, 1998!
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It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one came out black."
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A mangy-looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and
great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.
Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture... of handcuffs...
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Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. " He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now."
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take someaspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as herhusband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a littlefeel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a ratherseductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
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A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon.
Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
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Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"
"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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(but probably wishes he had)
--Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
--A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell
--The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line
--Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others
--Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them
--Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
--For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
--It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
--The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
--The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet
--The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
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You are addicted to being on-line if...
...Your service provider calls *you* for tech support
...Someone at school/work tells you a joke and you say "LOL!"
...Three words: carpal tunnel syndrome
...You come home from somewhere and wait for your friends to say "re."
...You get a second phone line, just so you can call Domino's.
...You raise your hand in school and say "BRB"
...You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing.
...You know and regularly use more than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. :)
...When someone says "What did you say?", you automatically say "scroll up!"
...You marry your cybergirl/boyfriend and the two of you sit across the room typing love messages to each other.
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A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.
He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.
"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman.
"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"
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Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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On Earth... Everybody on earth died and wnt to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line is for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the
men who were dominated by their women stretched for thousands of miles, and in the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and cried, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in My image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of My sons who stood up and made Me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, My son, how you managed to be the only one in this line."
And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
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A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
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Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
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Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"
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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door and there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?", asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?", the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!
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The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope proceeded to hop on 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he got to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, said "Just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." The chief replied, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied, "No, even more important." "It isn't the President is it?" "No, more important," replied the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!" screamed the chief.
"I don't know," said the trooper. "but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
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A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.
"That's impossible," the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, Birdbrain!" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
***
A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay."
"Oh, that'll be great," says the bloke, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."
"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher."
***
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got muh hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs.MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The
little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
***
Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one.
***
One Sunday morning...
the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
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When Chelsea was about 7, one night she asked her Mother to tell her a bedtime story. Hillary was not thrilled with the request, since it was about 3 in the morning.
"Tell ya what..." she said, "you just lay in bed with me & when your Father gets home, he can tell us both one."
***
80 year old Bessie Reingold bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough".
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Buddy, the Labrador Retriever, will be neutered. Apparently Hillary caught Buddy eyeing an intern's leg. Contrary to rumors, the procedure will be performed by a veterinarian, not by Hillary. Clinton better be careful from now on. The veterinarian who will neuter Buddy? Hillary has retained him for the White House medical staff.
In memory of Buddy's "manhood" Clinton will wear his pants at half mast.
***
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up.
"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as tight as you are."
***
Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 31/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
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A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come by at the end of the day to see how you did."
The next day was long and arduous for the young man but, finally, 5 o'clock came around. The boss showed up right on schedule and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One,"said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars", said the young man.
Absolutely flabbergasted the boss asks, "How the heck did you manage that?"
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a fishhook. He needed some fishing line to attach the fishhook too, so I sold him that. Then he needed a rod for the fishing line, so I sold him our best, state of the art, deep sea rod and reel. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said probably down the coast. I said he would need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with tow package."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in just to buy a fish hook?"
"No", answered the salesman. "He actually came in just to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said, adding. "The sharks got 'em."
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The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are actually buying the cat food for your cat."
So the lady goes home, gets her cat and comes back to the store where she is allowed to purchase the cat food.
The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food, but ran into the same problem. She had to show the dog before they would sell her the dog food. So she went home got her dog, brought it back to the store and was sold the dog food.
The next day the lady brought in a box with a hole in it. She asked the girl at the counter to stick her finger into the hole.
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and said to the lady, "That smells like crap!"
"It is, smiled the little old lady, now can I have three rolls of toilet paper?"
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.So, that night at dinner, she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes as you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah...", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well", the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"
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A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothin in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".
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Larry Vermont came home weeping bitterly. He had gone to propose to his girl and his father eagerly awaited her response. "So what happened, Larry?" the old man asked. "Did she accept?"
"Oh, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told her what you advised me to do, she slapped my face and sent me home."
"Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Dear, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you say that?"
"Holy smokes, Dad, I got it all wrong. I said, 'My dear, your face would stop a clock!'"
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Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
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A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
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A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into
the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out "I told you not to peek!"
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Golf or...
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'GolfCourse or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
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Market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes". When asked how she used it, she replied "we use it to have sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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Short and sweet......
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
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A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
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One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson."
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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around, she realized that all the pets were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive, " she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?! For a frog?!!" asked the woman.
The clerk explained, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman didn't particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again! The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night.
The woman went to bed that night, relieved knowing that she'd never have to give another blow job.
Around two in the morning, she woke to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" she asked.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!"
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor`s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don`t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you`ll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don`t need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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This guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says:
"You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?".
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.
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A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novocain, or pain killers. You just start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?" Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life? Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my goonies!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your goonies, and you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I knows there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in the chain runs out!"
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A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A fucking swing set."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."
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Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. so, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.
She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.
The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"
So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.
Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
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¥ºº¤»§«¤ºº¥ºº¤»§¤º¥º¤§«¤ºº¥ºº¤»§«¤ºº¥
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... (wink wink)
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, one of the birds has to stand on one leg!"
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A man went to the circus and asked for a job. "What can you do?" the ringmaster asked.
"I can make love to 20 women, one after the other". the man boasted.
Not believing him, the ringmaster called all of the circus women. Sure enough, the man made love to twenty of them, one after the other.
"All right you can start tomorrow night." the ringmaster told him.
So, next night, the man came out into the ring. Twenty women followed him. He made love to the first, then the second...but after 10, he was totally exhausted and collapsed.
"What happened"? the ringmaster asked.
"Dunno", he said. "It all went fine in rehearsal this afternoon".
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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says "By jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you. But just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time...still nothing ... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
