WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #14!
This Page created on December 26, 1998!
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A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it and I want it."
Again the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"
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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her
pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes", was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emeraldbracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
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A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "...and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my god, I am so sorry!"
"That's OK" the man said sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular..." she replied
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
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Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless
There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
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One day the teacher held up a picture and asked,"What's this?"
"A horsy." one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack.
There is no answer, only total silence.
"Come now children." she coaxed.
"I'll give you a little hint. "
"What does your mommy call your daddy when he kisses her?"
"I know, I know!" said one little girl.
"It's a horny bastard."
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One night a little boy walked in on his parents having sex and asked "Daddy what are you doing to mommy?"
The father then replied "Son I'm putting a little baby brother inside mommy."
The next day the father came home from work and found the little boy sitting on the front porch crying.
The father sat down beside his son and ask what was wrong .
The little boy said "Well daddy you know last night when you put a little baby brother in mommy , the milk man came along this morning and ate him."
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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice.."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine, and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a 'bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, tears roll down his cheeks, steam blows out of his ear, and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up for the exam, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass male student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole
classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was to be taken forthe rest of her life?
She was told that it was.
There was a moment ofsilence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her ncounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken. "
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
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The mayor took his wife to visit a town construction project. They stepped into the construction elevator and on the way up the mayor's wife waved to one of the workmen, and he waved back.
The mayor inquired into the matter and his wife explained that the man had dated her before she had married.
The mayor thought on this and on the way back down he said, "You're sure lucky you married me instead of him."
"You've got it all wrong," she replied, "If I had married him, you'd be working here and he'd be the mayor."
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."
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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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Daddy and Aunt Jane:
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "passionate embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
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Two salesmen, who are also avid golfers decided to try to get nine holes of golf in at lunchtime one day. They only had a short time, so they knew that they would have to hurry. So they get a power cart and off they go.
They're doing pretty well, moving along rapidly, until they get to the fifth hole, when they encounter two women out in the fairway in front of them. Fearing that they wouldn't be able to finish the nine holes, one of the salesmen says "I'll take the cart and drive up and ask the ladies if they will let us play through."
So, he takes off and gets almost to the ladies and suddenly makes a U-turn and heads back to his buddy. "I can't go up there," he says "that's my wife AND my girlfriend playing together!"
"OK," says the other salesman, "You stay here and I'll go up and ask them."
Well, he gets about halfway there, when HE makes a U-turn and heads back to the tee. When he gets there, he looks at his friend and says "Small world, isn't it?"
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't understand it.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as Gabby Hayes.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Dopeler Effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use.
Imargination: the fantasy of being liminalized.
Telegant: Looking good on tv.
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya' doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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A woman asks her husband this question:
"If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be cooking in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she have drive my Porshe?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
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A woman woke up and told her husband about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night's dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10.".
Wife: "What about ones like mine?".
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
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A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavoury areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lamp posts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple!"
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A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"
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Things you won't hear a wife say.
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
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Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got."
Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
"A couple of times," the guy mutters.
Peter tells him to take door two also. Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. you see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys."
I asked the bartender how come, and he said "Well, she's all we need. That filly can get a baseball bat through a garden hose, if you know what I mean.' So that's when I cheated on my wife."
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one.
The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
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A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors.
"Children," she announced, passing out the lifesavers, "I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and then tell me what they are."
The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit 'em out, guys! They're assholes!"
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A 71 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story."
"I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Terrified, he raised up the umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "There was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at......." Replied the doctor.
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A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote, and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations", said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good, Jenny" says the teacher, "You may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton....I'll see you Monday."
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
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A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
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Mail for Billy BOY!
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can empathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
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Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart
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My Dear Chap
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
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Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Mayor Marion Berry
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Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert
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Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment Bandwagon note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards,
Barney Frank
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Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
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Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
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Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
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Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson
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Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
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Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
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Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
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Dear Bill:
If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. Do keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
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Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The editors, Cigar magazine.
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The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA. Best Regards,
FBI
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A high school boy finally got a date with the neighborhood slut. They were making out in the back seat of the car, and things were getting pretty hot and heavy.
"Put your finger inside me," she said, and he was only too happy to oblige.
"Put another finger inside me," she ordered, moaning in pleasure.
"Put your whole hand inside me."
"Put both hands inside me."
"Now clap."
"I can't!" the guy protested.
"Tight, huh?" she smiled.
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A man arrives at the pearly gates and St. Peter looks up his record and says, "Well, you didn't do anything particularly good, but neither did you do anything particularly bad. I'll tell you what, if you can tell me of one really good deed you've done, I'll let you stay."
So the man says, "Well, once I saw some bikers menacing a young woman. I stopped my car. I took out my tire iron. I walked up to their leader, a huge, hairy, ugly man, full of tattoos. He had a nose ring. I ripped it right out of his nose, and I said, 'You leave this girl alone, you hear?' stared at all of them, and I said, Now get out of here, or you'll have to answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed.
"When did this happen?" he asked the man.
"About two minutes ago."
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A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents-come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in you oatmeal."
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An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
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A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
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Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.
Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me."
Bill says "What did you tell them?"
The driver replies "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig"
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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big
tree. As the lady neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
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Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?",
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats",
Carter said, "Women and children first",
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children",
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
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So there was this warden that got posted to Devil's Island. He thought he'd jazz things up a bit, so he developed this novel "early release" program.
He had 3 pits dug. The first pit was filled entirely with whisky. The candidate would have to drink it all before moving on to the second pit. The second pit held a tiger with a toothache. The inmate would have to extract the bad tooth. In the third pit was a nymphomaniac who hadn't had sex for a year. The candidate would have to satisfy her. If an inmate could meet all 3 tests he got early release.
Enter the first subject. An hour passed, and finally the inmate emerged, staggering, but the pit was empty. OK, he said, lead me to the next pit. Two hours passed. All sorts of growling, screaming and assorted other noises too numerous to mention. Finally the man emerged, bloody, battered, but alive.
OK, he was finally able to say: "Now where's the broad with the toothache?"
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It seems that Monica was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I'll get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this I can only grant you one wish."
"Let's see", says Monica. "I don't need fame, I got plenty of that due to all the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all of my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. But I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yes,that's it for my one wish. I would like my love handles removed."
And just like that, POOF!! Her ears were gone.
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Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
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A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? My God girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
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Grandpa Cartmell.....was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night we made a solemn pledge that whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go out and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been in the open air practically continuously for 75 years."
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The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."
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After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented: "The sermon was too long."
Their 7 yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dime."
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It seems Miss Lewinsky recorded some of her conversations with Clinton. In a transcript just released Bill asked Miss Lewinsky "Do you know the difference between Lunch and Oral Sex?"
Miss Lewinsky replied "No, I don't".
Bill then said "Great, let's do lunch!"
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
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Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed. The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.
Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?" Little Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?" Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?" Little Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied,
"Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
"click" "click"
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them is a cannibal"
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The bank robbers.....arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not an office party!"
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UNUSED?
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"
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The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private
investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man." The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this SOB come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and businesslike manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with
my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on
Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to", she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the "statue". Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here" he said to the 'statue' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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Farmer Joe decided the injuries he sustained in a recent traffic collision were serious enough to sue the trucking company whose driver had been responsible for the accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer grilled farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident that you were fine?" asked the lawyer.
"Well I'll tell you what happened," farmer Joe responded. "I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted tersely. "Just answer the question. Did you or did you not say that you were fine?!"
"Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."
By this time, the lawyer was red-faced.
"Judge," the lawyer said, "I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told he highway patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please instruct this witness to simply answer the question."
"No," the judge said. "I'm fairly interested in what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
"Thank you, judge," farmer Joe said. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semitrailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. But I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans", farmer Joe continued.
"Shortly after the accident, the patrolman got there. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?' "
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A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
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THE SMARTER SEX
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
She hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
