WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #16!

This Page created on May 23, 1999!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 16

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The groom comes into the church to take his place by the altar and his best man notices that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, i know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?' The groom replies, 'I just had the BEST blow job I've ever had in my entire life and now i'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Then the bride comes walking down the aisle and she also has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. Her maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey girlfriend, i know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited?" The bride replies "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life."

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A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The Salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

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A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker... for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms. After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his clothes.
The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money" then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: eats bushes and leaves."

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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time ...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes".
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said "to your house"

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Liar, Liar

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

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Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

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A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says.
*click*
The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age"
*click*
Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.
*click*
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States"

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This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".   His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work."  His mom says, "Why?".   The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck."
"This is your Grandma's idea."

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Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they`d be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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.The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

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A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off and lost. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him and, after careful examination, said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room, he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

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One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed, "she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband asks, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, "we'll take all three of them." He then leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings. The wife is _SO_ excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. While in the jewelry department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but okay, if you like it, then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says. "No -- no -- no. Honey, we're not going to _buy_ all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode...
The husband smiles and then replies, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

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A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem. "What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" he asks.
"It's of a big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for pity's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

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A penguin is driving through Arizona when his oil light comes on. So he pulls over to a service station to see what the problem is. The attendant tells him to come back in an hour after he has had a chance to look at the car. So the penguin goes for a walk and comes upon an ice cream stand.
He's a penguin, he's in Arizona, it's really hot, so he decides that a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would be very refreshing. He sits down to eat but of course, he has no hands, so he just buries his face in the bowl and makes a great mess. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over him. He is embarrassed because he can't clean himself up, but he heads back to the service station.
When he sees the mechanic, he says, "Did you find out what's wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replies, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," says the penguin, "it's just ice cream."

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Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room, and two of the ladies got to chatting about their pregnancies and their due dates and such.
One said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."
Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."
The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two turned to her and and asked, "My heavens, whatever is wrong?"
The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm gonna have a puppy!!"

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

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A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it as directed and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it as she did to the dog. Amazingly it also works on the husband. The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place."

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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that has the bulls. They come up to the first bull, and his sign states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year; you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull, and his sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, too."
They proceed to the last bull, and his sign says: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open, and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man, finally fed up with the nagging, turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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Hillary Clinton comes home unexpectedly one day and finds Bill in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, she screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, Bill turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

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A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. . .
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

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The Help Desk

No Wonder Phone Support People Have Such A Short Life Span

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
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Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to.......-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
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Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.
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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges.
I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked.
I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
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And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
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A friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied: "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

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A New Mom

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman was finally able to have a baby. All her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother said, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother once again said,
"Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
"Not yet."
So the agitated relatives asked, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother guiltily admitted, "Because I forgot where I put it."

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Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

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..and now for the rebuttal from a real blonde!

Brunettes

What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
*
Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price
*
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
*
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
*
Why do brunettes keep their figures so easily?
No one else wants it.
*
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
*
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
*
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

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A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

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Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,"Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

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Saving Herself

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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What Day Is It?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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How About A Bunch Of One-Liners

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush!!

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

What's the the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toy's for Twats.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in....definitely!

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde -- she is eighteen.

How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
The position of the dirtbag.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass hole?
Newt's tie.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.

Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was a blonde also.

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end of it?
So men can be open minded.

What did the Hispanic fireman name his two kids?
Jose and Hose B.

What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
Walks home.

What's the difference between a whorehouse and a circus?
One is a cunning array of stunts.

What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breaky heart?
An itchy twitchy crotch.

Heard about the new divorce Barbie?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
You can't get either at home.

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MIDGET LOVE

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at theloaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man ..."But it's startin' to twitch."

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A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, wow! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me" said the barkeep, "it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

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Ever notice how a 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?.......
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.....
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading....
"I would do anything to pass the exam". She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... Anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Oh yes" she said, "Anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you.....Study?"

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "so have Tom and I." "We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios......"

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The Snatch Eating Frog

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one." Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over". Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

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I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

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SHINGLES

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One "fella" walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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An old man was sitting on a bench in the Mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange & purple. He had black make-up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered " Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese Man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK,", said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and,near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
"Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the Ground that read, "Chinese Torture3....Right testicle tied to bed"

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A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

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Ventriloquist on Tour

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair.
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, what makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde interrupts him.
"You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

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This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's finished the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, and bellows, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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