WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #18!

This Page created on November 7, 1999!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 18

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

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SEX LAWS

· Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is amortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm ok, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)
· In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
· In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (a brick?????)
· The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
· There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
· In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
· In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
· In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...?)
· In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?)

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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time.
So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed.
He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings."
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

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One day, little Mickey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Mickey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Mickey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad," cries Mickey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you ass. Someone has stolen our tent."

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"Beesting"

In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortuunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip".
The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmers daughter came in. With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.
"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied: "Yes, but this is the first time I see one beeing reloaded!"

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Philly joke

A Philadelphia man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Philadelphia."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and sets the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Philadelphia man to see how he's doing and is surprised to see that the man doing just fine. The man says, "It's just like Philadelphia in June."
So the devil goes back to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 110, and sets the humidity up to 90. He then goes back to see how the Philadelphia man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. The man says, "I'm okay. It's just like Philadelphia in July."
So the devil goes back to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 120, and sets the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely and has taken his shirt off. The man says, "I'll be okay. It's just like Philadelphia in August."
Now the devil is really ticked off. He goes back to the thermostat and turns the temperature to MINUS 20 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Philadelphia man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man what's going on and the Philadelphia man yells:
"THE EAGLES WON THE SUPERBOWL! THE EAGLES WON THE SUPERBOWL!"

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."

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Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A lovely young nurse greets them and tells them she's going to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in her hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?" So he agrees. And allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO."

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A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on his doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on his doormat. The snail says, What the fuck was that all about?.

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After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to get too excited."

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Jim had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the locker room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his friends happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's panties.
"Hey, Jimbo," his friend called out across the locker room. "How long have you been playing golf in women's underwear?"
"How long?" came the reply. "Ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from supposedly playing a round of golf!"

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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"Medical Exam"

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk."
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers.

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

FAMOUS ANSWERS TO AN AGELESS QUESTION

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

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DEEP THOUGHTS

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
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I am in shape. Round's a shape...
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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
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Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".
The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black & blue, with skin hanging off in places. The man says "gimme a bottle of Deep Heat". To which the pharmacist replies "Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"
The man replies "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show."

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Darwin Awards Submitted by: Dirk Steele

It's that time of year again!! Latest Darwin Award nominees: (the Darwin award, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed).

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members very awkward".

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the... ahem... discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.

LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police."Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close- up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.

A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast- food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ...and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."
Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:
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Greetings....................................."How the fuck are you?"
Fraud..............................."I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay................................................."Oh, fuck it."
Trouble..............................."Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression................................................."Fuck you."
Disgust...................................................."Fuck me."
Confusion.........................................."What the fuck...?"
Difficulty................"I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair..............................................."Fucked again."
Exasperation......................................"For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment...................................."This is fucking great."
Hostility................."I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity..............................."Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence..................................."He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance............................................"Fuck if I know."
Displeasure........................."What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost........................................."Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief......................................"Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation...................................."Up your fucking ass."
Surprise.................................................."Fuckin A!"
Surprise......................................."Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion.............................."What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt....................."Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"
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Famous quotes.
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy

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Little Arty went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.
When she got to Arty he said, "My name is Arty, but they call me 'Farty' and that pisses me off."
Sensing some anger she said to Arty, "This is kindergarten Arty, we don't talk like that." Then she went around and asked everyone their address.
When she got to Arty he said, "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Terd Street' and that really pisses me off."
She said, "Arty I want you to meet me after class at my desk."
"Yes ma'am." Arty said. So he meets her at the desk.
His teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what this means?" Just then she pulls up her dress.
He says, "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off."

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With the holidays coming, I thought you could use this...
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a screwscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

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Being Prepared
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A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two week cruise for his girlfriend and himself.
A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.
The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.
The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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A kid walked into his new classroom, and the teacher says to him, "Hello, what's your name?" And the kid says, "Jeffrey Fuckhour."
The teacher told him that she doesn't allow that kind of language in her classroom. Jeffrey tells her again that his last name is really "Fuckhour" and that she can go ask his little brother in kindergarden.
So the teacher tells her class to read chapter 4 while she goes to find Jeffrey's little brother. She walks into a kindergarden class, where the teacher had stepped out for a moment and wasn't there, so she asks, "Hi class, is there a Fuckhour in here?"
One of the kids yells out "No! Theres not even a cookie break!"

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Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER"
"NO" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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The blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

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There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

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Subject: NTSB Study

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

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An old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise."
So the old man faxed back:" Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.."

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not a VIRGIN - She is HYMENALLY INTACT.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "How come you didn't keep him when you took his picture?"

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A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar."
"Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time thefather questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go,Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at the party they were at the night before.
1st guy:
Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy:
Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy:
That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy:
No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

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CARLINISMS FOR THE MILENNIUM

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?"

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ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS 1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring............"
Wait for it...
Are you ready....
Here comes the punchline....
" you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

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A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Daughter

Dear Child:

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me. She's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. We think they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom
PS I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

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Subject: Yikes!!

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Suprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any intimacy in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang-Chow, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang-Chow said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang-Chow then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang-Chow shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang-Chow, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang-Chow looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your backside."

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says.........
"No shit, what law firm do you work for?"

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A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.
"--Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again. "--So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Morris asks his son, now aged ten, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh Dad!" he sobbed. "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech."
"At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech."
"Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!"
"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

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HAVEN'T WE ALL FELT THIS WAY?

A woman goes into Walmart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tell her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, goes to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her.
She explains that she would like a refund because the toaster she bought doesn't work.
He replies by telling her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?"
The woman replies, "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

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Get out your Ebonics dictionary:

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin bidwiz on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
2.PLANET - I know this dude who got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.
3.DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.
4.OMELETTE - I should punch you dead in the eye for what you just said but OMELETTE this one go this time.
5.STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It just make you STAIRWAY into space.
6. MOBILE - I went to the store to buy some food, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE.
7. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.
8. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.
9. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.
10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
11. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
12. KENYA - I needed money fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
13. DERANGE - is where da deer and antelope play.
14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said DATA boy.
16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I get a job?"
18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart. (HA!)
19.COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."
20.DECIDE - My boy frontin' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

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A guy applied to join a nudist club.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning loudly, "Ohh, I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny's eyes grew wide.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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