WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #19!

This Page created on January 30, 2000!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 19

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IT WAS FRIDAY MORNING AND THAT MEANT IT WAS TIME FOR AN ACTIVITY THAT THE TEACHER CALLED "ADD TO THE PICTURE." THE TEACHER WOULD CALL ON KIDS TO THE CHALKBOARD ONE AT A TIME. THE FIRST STUDENT WOULD DRAW AN OBJECT ON THE BOARD AND EACH FOLLOWING STUDENT WOULD ADD SOMETHING TO THE PICTURE TO MAKE A NEW PICTURE.

THE TEACHER CALLED ON JAMES TO START OFF THINGS.

JAMES RETURNED TO HIS SEAT. THE TEACHER CALLED ON ERNIE NEXT.

ERNIE RETURNED TO HIS SEAT. NOW IT WAS SUZY'S TURN.

SUZY RETURNED TO HER SEAT. NEXT, THE TEACHER CALLED ON JERRY.

JERRY RETURNED TO HIS SEAT. KIM WAS NEXT.

KIM RETURNED TO HER SEAT.

ABOUT THIS TIME, LITTLE JOHNNY BEGAN WAVING HIS ARM HYSTERICALLY. LITTLE JOHNNY WAS WELL KNOWN FOR BEING DIRTY-MINDED SO THE TEACHER WAS RELUCTANT TO CALL ON HIM FOR ANYTHING. BUT AS THE TEACHER LOOKED AT THE PICTURE ON THE BOARD, SHE THOUGHT THAT THERE WAS NO WAY LITTLE JOHNNY COULD POSSIBLY DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THE PICTURE DIRTY. SO SHE CALLED ON HIM AND HE RAN TO THE BOARD.

LITTLE JOHHNY HAD DONE IT AGAIN.

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A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
11. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
14. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
16. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
17. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years -- let alone one as beautiful as you. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember both of our lives depends on it."
"Darling," whispered the wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt."

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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples".

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Little Johnny In School

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,...but I like your thinking."

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Math Class

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

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** English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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** Grammar

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "Yu're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!!!"

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** Beautiful

One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,.....just fucking beautiful!"

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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paws, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."

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The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my Wife that I would be home by midnight... PROMISE!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12'o clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then farted."

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Texas Boy

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

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A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?", she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

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REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife (cousin) didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
So, the couple drove over to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them the procedure for a vasectomy when he notices that they were from Alabama. The doctor then told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in an empty beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This also works in Tennessee and Kentucky.

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The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'mso happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

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Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
(Paybacks a Bitch ain't it!!?!!)

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Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

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A small country church was searching for a new pastor to carry on for their pastor who was retiring. After reviewing several resumes they had narrowed down their choice to a pastor who seemed to be perfect for their tiny congregation. so they visited the prospective pastor at his current church.
That morning he delivered his sermon in just five minutes! The deacons were impressed that he was able to be so quick and precise with the message. Pleased with this they invited the prospective pastor to preach at their church so the entire congregation could meet him. He preached his "evaluation" sermon in just under twelve minutes! The deacons decided that very day that this was indeed the man that God had chosen for them. Quick, precise, right to the point and right to lunch. The new pastor received a unanimous call.
On his first Sunday at his new church the pastor arrived a little late. He took his place in the pulpit and apologized for his tardiness. At once he commenced his sermon. TWO HOURS later he concluded his sermon. This concerned the deacons and they called the pastor in to a closed meeting that evening.
"When we visited you at your previous church you preached for 5 minutes. When you preached for us here as a visiting pastor you preached for 12 minutes. Now that you are our new pastor you preached for TWO HOURS. Why? What is different?"
The pastor considered their question and responded. "When you visited me at my old church I had just had several teeth pulled in preparation to get dentures. My mouth was very sore and 5 minutes was all I could do. When I visited here and preached I had just gotten my new dentures and was trying to adjust to them. 12 minutes was all I could stand. This morning I awoke late. In my rush to get to church I accidentally put in my wifes' dentures instead of my own."

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Three mice are sitting in a bar.
The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a bad-ass mouse; I'm so tough that in my neighborhood we have these big mouse traps. I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "Thats nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat poison shit, and I grab it and eat, throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin. I am a bad ass mouse."
The third mouse slams his beer, gets up and starts walking away. Theother two look at him and say, " Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at the other two and says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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92 year old Harold moved into a retirement home where he met 90 year old Millie. They hit it off right away. They arranged to meet in the lobby of the retirement home every afternoon and go for a walk. After several months of spending time together and developing a feeling of affection for one another, Harold said, "You know Millie, we're past our sexual years,and I don't expect you to have sex with me, but I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand."
Millie replied, "Well, I guess it wouldn't do any harm just to hold it." So for the next year or so, they would meet in the lobby, take their daily walk, sit on the same park bench near the lake and she would hold his penis in her hand.
One day Harold didn't show up. Beginning to worry, Millie set out in search of him. She looked everywhere, but to no avail. She decided to walk to the lake and there, sitting on the park bench was Harold... with another woman. Horrified, Millie approached the bench and saw the other woman holding Harold's penis in her hand. Millie became very upset and said: "Harold ! I thought we had something special. Now I find you sitting on 'our' bench with another woman, and she's holding your penis in 'her' hand. Why, Harold, just tell me WHY? Is it because you think she's prettier than I am? Does she have more money than I have? Does she dress better than I do? Harold, tell me, WHAT does 'she' have that I don't have?"
Harold looked up, smiled, and said: "Parkinsons".

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A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

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Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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Subject: Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing!"

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Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned."
How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well", said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast...she farted and flew out the window."

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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

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Miss Jones was a not too bright girl who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and eventually she found herself named in divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the prosecutor cam forward. "Miss Jones, the wife of the defendant has identified you as "the other woman" in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Dew Drop Inn with Mr. Smith?"
"Well, yes," acknowledges Miss Jones with a sniffle, "but I couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer incredulously. "How's that?"
"Mr. Smith deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."

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Dead Frog?

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what???"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

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Here's an example of what consultants can do for us:

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed our waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I Noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the wait persons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string he had. I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of .you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, reducing the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent", estimates Andersen Consulting.
"Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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Reading these makes me realize how lucky I am...to be blessed with common sense. I just have to shake my head in disbelief...Rupert
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
"Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Dvision. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr.Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

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CALL OF THE MILD

The only pay phone in sight was in use, so the woman stood off to the side politely, to wait until it was free. Minutes went by and she couldn't help noticing that the man in the phone booth was just standing there silently, not saying a word. Finally, she tapped him on the shoulder and asked if she could use the phone.
"Hold your horses," responded the fellow, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

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One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him, so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be frightened and fly away without the fish. But, weak as he was, his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head, and killing it.
"Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could save my life if I eat it."
So, he built himself a little fire--using a couple of stones-and cooked the eagle to eat. While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as you know, that is quite illegal!
The man told the ranger what had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the situation to a judge.
So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please your Honor, it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see any reason to let it go to waste!"
The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances."
The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his fairness.
Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man, "Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like anyway??"
The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well, it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

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This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"

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Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm.
He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"

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As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

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An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
Small problem -- her key wouldn't fit the ignition.
Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.
The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.

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It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his life behind bars.
The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.
The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.
Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive prior to declaring him dead?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your negligence that caused the death?"
Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he could have been out practicing law."

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1999 Darwin Awards

This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through stupid and/or inane actions during the past year kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the gene pool. Here are the runners-up for this year's award:

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He was wearing his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun. (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the mainpower supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) An Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, had a winning total of 236 which had also netted him the blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that he had downed 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes. The hotel was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

And now, the FIRST RUNNER UP for the 1999 Darwin award goes to...

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults in a cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng, Cambodia. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian Roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS:

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer, look however, revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians, who refuse to "live on Zionist time", prepared in a Palestine controlled area. The bombs had been set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated.

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What job ads *really* mean:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, anticipating the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly,"but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

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Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

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SOME REAL GROANERS

What's blue and white and dingle dangles from the celing?
A blue and white dingle-dangle.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn.
A bad skydiver goes "DAMN", whack

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorcee the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

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The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

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An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

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What DO they want?

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's
10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here."
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay.
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"

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A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his first drill, he picked a student from Georgia.
"Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded truck down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you get close to an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes go out. On your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your left side in a one-thousand food precipice. Now, son, you have three seconds. What would you do?"
"Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."
"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?"
"Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small country town and I'd wan to wake him up 'cause he ain't never seen an accident like this before."

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NEW BREED

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.
"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.
"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."
"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"

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SICK HUMOR

The doctor was examining a young model who was having tremendous pain in her side.
"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.
The woman became quite angry and said, "Doctor stop hitting on me! I just want to be examined, not complimented!"

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"You're in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were, sir?"
"Seventy-eight."
"Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?"
"I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down."
"I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?"
"Well, the patient explained, I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life."

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An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. " I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'""And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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" In-flight Humor"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insaneurge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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DEFINITIONS

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

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Lorraine Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night, for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband, except she missed and hit his leg.
She has been charged with
"Misdeweiner."

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The manager of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sales clerks a little talking-to. "Judy, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Judy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Judy's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jusy nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did: 'fantastic.'"
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How've you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Tina," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what sis you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Tina shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?'"

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