SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 2
********************************************************************************
************************************************************************************
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over and she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
**********************************************************************
Those Are the Breaks
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road,making love. He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!' The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
***************************************************************************
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture of himself. He is too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony. The only pictures he has of himself are nude pictures so he cuts a picture in half and just sends her the top part.
About a week later he receives another letter from his mother asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another nude picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half instead of the top half. The man is really worried when he realizes he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes maybe she won't notice.
A couple weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "I liked your picture, but your hairstyle does make your nose look long.
**********************************************************************
A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds
40-ish................................48
Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here, I'll give you a start:
CODE WORD........................MEANS...
40-ish...................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
************************************************************************
Bumper Snickers
************************************************************************************
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
************************************************************************************
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay.
************************************************************************************
a. Present it to the president of the United States
a. Innocence
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection wihtout regard for narrow-minded social conventions
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones
6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is
a. A cat
7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it
8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs
11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested
12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Deomcracy
How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at leasst 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.
************************************************************************************
The president of a large managed health care facility also served on the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:
"The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:
A. The attendance of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.
B. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.
C. All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings.If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality.
D. Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recomended that all notes be rounded up to eighth. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.
E. No useful purpose would be appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as a determined by the utilization review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony!"
***********************************************************************************
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
************************************************************************************
A true story ...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by one peculiar remark that went "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Then, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
*******************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************
There were 3 men - Italian, Irish and Jewish - walking down the street When they saw a man coming towards then who looked like Jesus Christ. The Irishman said to him, "You look just like Jesus Christ". And he replied, "I am. Can I help you?'' The Irishman said "Oh, Christ, my shoulder has been bothering me for years and I can't move my arm but no doctor can help me." Jesus said to him, "I will place my hand on your shoulder and heal you." Afterwards, the Irishman could move his arm and shoulder and do things he never could do before. The Italian said, "I have been praying to have my hip healed. I need a hip replacement and I am in constant pain." Jesus said, "I will heal you my son." And sure enough, the Italian man could dance and jump and move in ways that he never could move. Then Jesus looked at the Jewish man. The Jewish man backed away yelled, "Don't touch me! I am on disability."
************************************************************************************
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "I'ts a Wonderful Life."
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. [Error here. Sleeping Beauty also has both parents surviving in the film. And what about Lady and the Tramp?]
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The saying, "It's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey," came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
************************************************************************************
1. These 2 mexicans were sat talking. One says to the other, Hey Amigo friend. Do you like big fat women? Other Mexican says NO. First Mexican says: Do you like Big fat sweaty women with yellow teeeth? Same answer from the other :- NO. Finally He says, "Do you like big fat sweaty women with yellow teeth and stinking feet??? Amigo my friend Same answer :- NO. First one says :- " Then why are you screwing my wife!!!"
These two Mexicans were sitting on a rock in the blazing mid-day sun. One mexican turns to the other and says :-"If you had two cars my friend amigo etc. would you give me one of Theeemm (mexican accent..sort of)? His friend says.. Amigo, friend , muchas Gratias etc.. If I had 2 cars I WOULD give you one of them."
************************************************************************************
WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #2!
This Page created on June 16, 1997!
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful" he answered. The wife asked "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself. " the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
CODE WORD.................... MEANS
Adventurous.....................Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate......................Possessive
Artist ...............................Unreliable
Athletic ............................Flat chested
Average looking...............Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Commitment-minded........Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important...Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Contagious Smile.............Bring your penicillin
Educated..........................College dropout
Emotionally Secure..........Medicated
Employed.........................Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera........Snob
Enjoys Nature...................Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty...................Would frighten a Martian
Feminist............................Fat ball buster
Financially Secure............One paycheck from the street
Free spirit.........................Substance user
Friendship first.................Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun....................................Annoying
Gentle...............................Comatose
Good Listener...................Borderline Autistic
Humorous.........................Caustic
Intuitive.............................Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition......................Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker......................Lush
Looks younger...................If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel......................If you're paying
Loves Animals...................Cat lady
Mature................................Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age.............................All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional...................Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned.....................Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing.............................Loud
Passionate.........................Loud
Petite..................................Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet....................................Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional.......................Bitch
Redhead.............................Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable..............................Frumpy
Reubenesque.....................Grossly Fat
Romantic.............................Looks better by candle light
Self-employed....................Jobless
Smart..................................Insipid
Special...............................Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual..............................Involved with a cult
Stable..................................Boring
Tall, thin..............................Anorexic
Tan......................................Wrinkled
Weight proportional to
height................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.................One step away from stalking
Widow.................................Nagged first husband to death
Writer..................................Pompous
Young at heart....................Toothless crone
Affectionate..........................Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist.....................................Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic.................................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking...................Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking..........Fat, grey, and bald
Educated..............................Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed.............................On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure...............I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit............................Sleeps with your sister
Open-minded.......................Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Friendship first....................As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun......................................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......................Arrogant bastard
Honest.................................Pathological Liar
Huggable.............................Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO......................................Slim, attractive female. Would be better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker........................Headed for AA
Like to cuddle......................Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on
the beach.........................I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature................................Until you get to know him
Physically fit.......................I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet....................................Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional.......................Owns a white button down
Reliable..............................Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed.....................Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive.............................Needy
Smart..................................Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual..............................Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable.................................Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful...........................Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile...................................Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart....................Pedophile
Hey girls, if you're sweet
and loyal, a little old fashioned,
and hot to trot, give me a try,
you won't regret it!.............I am 17 years old and tired of only having sex with my blonde, beautiful, fantasy girl, Rosie Palmer
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
WOMEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD.
1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
c. Take it apart
2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs
3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have ot have him killed
4) What about hugging another male?
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he is legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures
b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer
b. A dog
c. A dog that eats cats
b. That although you also have stong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there
c. He refused to ask directions
b. Relgion
c. Remote Control
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead of your roommate.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It's 'getting late' at 9:30 p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year -- and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
Discussions with your friends --
THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie -- The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from "Friends".
Football "season tickets", which used to be $75 for the season with dozens of friends are now $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down like I used to'.
You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.
from Dr. Laura Schlessinger.........
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
A few clowns short of a circus.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
An experiment in artificial stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his Corn Flakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of two, but it takes three to grunt.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Surfing in Nebraska.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
When he was in school, he rode the short School Bus.
The first one says..."Amigo.. If you had 2 houses would you give me one of them.." Reply is the same "If I had 2 houses .. I would give you one of them" etc. etc.
Then first one says.. " If you had 2 chickens... would you give me one of them?" The first mexican turns round and says "Fuck off ... you KNOW I've got 2 chickens"!!
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass
********************************************************************************
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a birthday present for her husband. He has told her she may spend just twenty dollars and no more or else he'll beat the crap out of her when she gets home. She sees a rod a reel outfit marked down from eighty dollars to nineteen ninety five. She tells the clerk she will take it. As the clerk is away wrapping the gift, the woman sees a fishing lure for five dollars. She knows she is not to spend more than twenty dollars, so she puts the lure down the front of her dress. When she goes to pay for the rod and reel she drops the twenty dollar bill and as she bends down to get it the lure falls out. At the same time she passes gas. The clerk looks at her and says, "Twenty dollars for the rod and reel.....five dollars for the lure, and seven fifty for the duck call and I don't care where you've got that hidden?"
********************************************************************************
God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates up before His throne. He told them, "You three are the most influential men on earth, so I called you here to give you the news that I am disgusted with the way things are on earth, and so I'm going to destroy the world in two weeks." The three men returned to earth to their respective countries. Bill Clinton called Congress together and said, "Men, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we don't have to balance the budget. The bad news is that the world will be blown up in 2 weeks." Boris Yeltsin called the Duma together and said, "Men, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we don't have to worry about finding the money to bolster our military buildup. The bad news is that the world will be blown up in 2 weeks." Bill Gates returned to Microsoft headquarters and called his CEOs together and said, "Men, I have good news and great news. The good news is that I'm one of the three most powerful men in the world. The great news is we don't have to worry about getting the bugs out of Windows 95!"
********************************************************************************
An over dressed, over perfumed, sexy blonde boards a jet and plops down in a first class seat. The suspicious flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then says to the gal, "I'm sorry but you have a coach ticket and you'll have to move back to the coach section." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving." The frustrated flight attendant goes to her >>supervisor telling her, "I can't get that blonde woman to move back into coach. What shall I do?" The supervisor says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it" and speaks to the blonde telling her she cannot stay in the first class section. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving." The two upset flight attendants then decide to go into the cockpit and tell the captain of the situation. He says, "No problem, I'll go back and speak to her." So he goes to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. She immediately stands up, gathers all her belongings and goes into the coach area. In amazement the flight attendants ask him, "What in the world did you say to her?" To which the captain answers, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to the Bahamas."
********************************************************************************
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
*******************************************************************************
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening the creator of "The Simpsons")
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:
and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
********************************************************************************
Here's some chicken humor:
-------------------------------------
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?
********************************************************************************
These two fellows climbed to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. One had a budgerigar the other a King Parrot. One leapt off with the budgie which flew off and he plunged to his death. The other leapt off, counted to ten, pulled out a revolver and shot the parrot before he himself died. They met minutes later at the pearly gates and Paddy says to Mick " This budgie jumping doesn't work, it killed me". Mick said " Yeah, parrot shooting didn't work for me either"
********************************************************************************
Johann von Strano was an evil scientist. He had a lab and factory in the depths of the Black Forest, with a neon sign that flashed on and off that said "Evil Scientist - Go Away!" He really hated the human race and devoted his life to developing a way to destroy humanity. His latest venture was to create people- eating robots.
His first pilot model robots - the Alpha models - weren't much as people-eaters at all. They'd maybe take a bite and spit it out. So then he made the Betas and they were a little faster and hungrier, but still nowhere good enough. So he kept on with it and finally came up with a class of robots that could consume a whole human in half a second, then on to the next. They were proof against every form of weapon and smart enough to operate any kind of machinery. They were the Kappas.
Von Strano rubbed his hands together and gave his usual evil chuckle and geared up his automated factory to produce thousands of Kappas and sent them out all over the world. They ate every human there was. They reached the seaports and airports, ate up everybody there was and took ships and planes to all the other continents. Everywhere they went they ate everybody and still they were not satisfied. Eventually, they ran out of people to eat. They searched every desert island and every remote corner of the Amazon jungle, the Sahara desert - you name it, they had been there and devoured the local residents. So they now turned around and retraced their journeys. Soon the tramp of metallic feet shook the gloomy thickets of the Black Forest as all those starving robots converged upon the one man left alive in the whole world.
The Kappas had come back to swallow Strano.
********************************************************************************
Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile, until finally one of the boys said, "I wish I could do that." The other little boy said, "He'd bite you."
********************************************************************************
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks, the captain's voice again: "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
********************************************************************************
15-You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
14- Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13- Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11- For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10- Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9- For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*.
8-You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7- Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6- Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
4- The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3- Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...
1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
********************************************************************************
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your spouse.
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner..
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
********************************************************************************
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot found themselves in Hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was about 3'4" tall, dirty and you could smell her, even over the brimstone. The Devil's voice rang out, "BILL, YOU HAVE SINNED! You are hereby CONDEMNED to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!" A group of howling demons dragged Clinton through the door to his eternal torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and they both jumped when a second door opened to reveal an even MORE disgusting example of womenhood gone horribly wrong: She was over 7 feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, with an entourage of large black flies circling around her. The Devil's voice again rang out, "BOB, YOU HAVE SINNED!! You are hereby CONDEMNED to spend eternity in bed with this women!" And like Clinton, Dole was dragged off to his fate. Perot, now alone, understandably anxious, feared the worst.....when the third door began to inch open.....he strained to see..... a figure......the figure of.........Cindy Crawford! Delighted at his luck, Ross jumped up at the sight of this beautiful woman barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil: "CINDY, YOU HAVE SINNED!!!!!!!....."
********************************************************************************
Backup: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods
Bar Code: Them's the fight'n rules at the local tavern
Bug: The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte: What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro
Cache: Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Computer Terminal: Time to call the undertaker
Crash: When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital: The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette: Female Disco Dancer
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Internet: Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard: Where you hang the keys to the John Deeere
Mac: Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz: How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem: What you do when the grass gets too high
Mouse Pad: Where Mickey & Minnie live
Network: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online: Where to stay when you're taking the sobriety test
ROM: Where the pope lives
Screen: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port: A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor: Amtrak's employee of the year
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear
********************************************************************************