WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #20!

This Page created on July 17, 2000!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 20

********************************************************************************

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

********************************************************************************

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

********************************************************************************

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

********************************************************************************

A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child," he said to his wife. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, "Have you been fooling around on me?" he demanded. His wife confessed: "Not this time."

********************************************************************************

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

********************************************************************************

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said: "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

********************************************************************************

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

********************************************************************************

********************************************************************************

********************************************************************************

TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagorus
"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass." Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy
"Who the fuck is going to know? " Bill Clinton

********************************************************************************

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

********************************************************************************

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to giveJesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

********************************************************************************

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play. When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.
"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."
The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.
"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."
"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you two dollars."
The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

********************************************************************************

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL- 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
________________________
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
_________________________
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
________________________
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
___________________________________________
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE.... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
_________________________
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
____________________________________________________
WEDDING GOWN FOR SALE ONLY WORN ONCE, BY MISTAKE
______________________
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
________________________
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
___________________________
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
_____________________
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
_______________________
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
________________________
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
_______________________
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
_______________________
FULL SIZED MATTRESS 30 YR WARRANTY LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
_________________________
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
_______________________
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
___________________________
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED ************* CALL CHUBBIE ************
________________________
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
_______________________
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
________________________
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD
_______________________
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT"
________________________
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
_________________________
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
_________________________
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
__________________________
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
___________________________
FREE FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
__________________________
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
__________________________
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR
____________________________
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
_____________________________
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
___________________________
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
__________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER - $300
_______________________
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
_________________________
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
_______________________
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
_____________________
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
_________________________
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
_________________________
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
_______________________
KELLOG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
______________________
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
_________________________
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes.Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

********************************************************************************

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

********************************************************************************

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, "What the heck was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse just phoned."

********************************************************************************

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

********************************************************************************

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds with a drape over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You guess buddy! You guess!"

********************************************************************************

The inmates of a prison had a joke book they all had memorized. They way they recited jokes was by the number of the joke. Some fellow would call out a number from one to one hundred and all would laugh. A new man in the prison, after studying the book, said he wanted to tell a joke. They said, "Okay, shoot!" He said, "Number 10," but nobody laughed. He said "This is funny. What's wrong; why aren't you laughing?" A fellow nearby said, "Some can tell them and some can't."

********************************************************************************

A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing. What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odor; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone. The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem. On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. "I have a confession to make," she said. He turned his head, gagging, and said, "Don't tell me. You ate my socks."

********************************************************************************

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

********************************************************************************

A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!" She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"

********************************************************************************

A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son."
"What's the matter?"
"He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies."
The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass."
"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife."

********************************************************************************

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"

********************************************************************************

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where ARE your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

********************************************************************************

FINAL ANSWER???

A husband & wife were sitting home one evening watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs and fool around." The wife says, "NO!" The husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs and fool around." The wife again says, "NO!" The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "YES, that is my final answer." The husband then asks, "Can I phone a friend?"

********************************************************************************

3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

********************************************************************************

One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the ice when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there."
So he moves to another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when he hears the voice again, "There are no fish there."
So he moves again and begins cutting another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There are no fish there either."
So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?"
The voice replies, "No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink."

********************************************************************************

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
Mr. Smith:"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

********************************************************************************

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs; you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down.
From nowhere a Cowboy came over and sat his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "you're a nun; you weigh 128lbs; you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!"

********************************************************************************

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared."
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee."
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."

********************************************************************************

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

********************************************************************************

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.
A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.
Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"
"Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."

********************************************************************************

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. So the gorilla thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be funny if I snuck up behind the "King of the jungle" and slipped him the old sausage?"
So the gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his ass off.
The lion, however, doesn't think it's so funny. He lets out a mighty roar and takes off after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion is catching up with him, so he ducks into a campsite, pulls some safari duds off the clothesline, puts them on, picks up a newspaper and sits down by the fire, holding the paper up to hide his face.
Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "HEY, YOU!" he says, "DID YOU JUST SEE A BIG GORILLA COME RUNNING THROUGH HERE?"
The gorilla starts shaking behing the paper. "Um - do you m-mean the one that j-just s-s-screwed you in the a-a-aass?"
The lion sits up with a start and says: "Jeez! You mean it's in the fucking newspapers already?"

********************************************************************************

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

********************************************************************************

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

********************************************************************************

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

********************************************************************************

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

********************************************************************************

Responses to Pick Up Lines
--------------------------

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

********************************************************************************

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis."
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied... "PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH."

********************************************************************************

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said; "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

********************************************************************************

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

********************************************************************************

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the houseand have sex with her?"
"Yes" he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU????

********************************************************************************

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office."

********************************************************************************

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

********************************************************************************

A father was having trouble getting his son to cut his long hair. When the boy asked to borrow the family car, the father said, "You may borrow the car when you cut your hair." Later that same evening the father passed by the son's room where he was stretched out on the bed reading the Bible. He said, "Dad, did you know it says here that Jesus never cut his hair?" His dad said, "Yes, son, and if you read further, you notice it says he walked everywhere he went."

********************************************************************************

Three Handsome Dogs

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, and turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

********************************************************************************

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.

********************************************************************************

Subject: Ten again

"What would you most like for your birthday?" a man asks his wife.
She thinks for a minute. "I'd love to be ten again," smiling broadly.
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early. Off they go to the local theme park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park -- The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go. Her husband orders a double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie. It's the latest Star Wars epic, with plenty of cotton candy, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure of a day! Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed.
He leans over lovingly. "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
She opens one eye and stares at him. "You idiot," she moans. "I meant dress size!"

********************************************************************************

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."

********************************************************************************

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

********************************************************************************

A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor."
"Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."
The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"
"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

********************************************************************************

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

********************************************************************************

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming - "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

********************************************************************************

A man goes to his lawyer and says, "I would like to write up a will, but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer replies, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looks somewhat upset, and exclaims, "Well I knew you'd take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

********************************************************************************

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died."
"It did," he replied, "today is the viewing."

********************************************************************************

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

********************************************************************************

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off."

********************************************************************************

A little boy had not given up sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything to discourage the habit. Finally, she warned her son, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The boy took a few brisk steps towards her, pointed sternly at her belly, and said, "Ooooo... I know what you've been doing!"

********************************************************************************

A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?" One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"

********************************************************************************

It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?"
"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."
"And why is it empty?"
"She died."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with you today?"
"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral."

********************************************************************************

A man went to the police station asking to speak to the thief who had broken into his house the previous night. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant said. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife . . . I've been trying to do that for years!"

********************************************************************************

An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup. Then he gave these to his wife. Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"

********************************************************************************

When a crowded school bus pulled over to make way for a speeding fire truck, several children spotted a Dalmatian seated by the driver . "Why did the firemen have that dog with them?" one child asked. "To bark at the crowds and keep people out of the way," another answered. "He's there for good luck," insisted a third. The discussion ended when one lad explained, "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."

********************************************************************************

A man went ice fishing, and started to make a cut in the ice when a voice from above boomed out: "There are no fish there." So he moved to another spot, and started to cut another hole in the ice. The same voice said, "There are no fish there." When he moved to another spot and started to cut, the same voice again proclaimed, "There are no fish there!" The man raised his eyes toward heaven and asked, " Are you God?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the manger of this skating rink!"

********************************************************************************

The Answer Man Tackles Baby Questions

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

********************************************************************************

A short lesson on Southernisms

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has the Mafia, The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has craw dads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

********************************************************************************

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

********************************************************************************

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle of perfume. "That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd like to see something really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror.

********************************************************************************

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

********************************************************************************

These left Abby "speechless":

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world? I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

And these are classic replies:

Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.

********************************************************************************

THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

Please send your jokes for my Joke Page by clicking here