WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #22!

This Page created on February 14, 2001!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 22

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BUBBA AND GW GETTING HAIRCUTS  George W. Bush and Bill Clinton decided to go over a few last minute details on the transfer of power while getting haircuts.
 Clinton finished first, and the barber asked him, "What type of cologne would you like, the expensive or the cheap kind?"
 "Give me the good stuff. I don't want Hilary thinking I was in a whorehouse."
 Bush was finished a moment later and the barber asked him the same question. Bush replied, "Give me anything. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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Entering a bar, a man chooses a stool and sits down.
The bartender comes over and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man replies, "Set me up with five whisky shots, and make 'em doubles!"
The bartender does as he asks. He watches as the man tosses one back, then the next, then the next, until all five shots are gone as quickly as they were served.
Startled, and thinking there must be a serious problem with this man, the bartender asks him what was wrong.
"You'd be drinking 'em that fast too if you had what I have." The man said.
Nervously, the bartender asks "What do you have, pal?"
"About 50 cents."

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MOMMY'S LITTLE ANGEL

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

A STORMY RELATIONSHIP

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't " she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

LOSING FACE

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't told."

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One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We said we would phone him with the information. Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me. Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."

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Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

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Dilbert Awards

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2."What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping.)

3."E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4."This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

5."Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining &Manufacturing)

6."My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7.Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9."We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10.We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11.One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12.As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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SQUIRMS OF ENDEARMENT

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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KIDS SAY THE HONEST-EST THINGS

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

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IT'S A DOG'S LIFE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot. "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears are listening to this conversation.
"Well" says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

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This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.  The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a  Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Range Rover, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut OFF three inches! Just send the bottle back."

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Towards the end of their game, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry , his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond him. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life...better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!...Harry!...where are you?" Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Fred screams back... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GODS SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

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TRUE EMERGENCY ROOM STORIES (sic)

*** INNER SKELETON

A 63 yr. old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived decades earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body

PRICKLY PAIR

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy

PING PONG ANYONE?

A 20 yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed, along with a ping pong ball

BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic seizure, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

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Confucius Say...

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball can not walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal.   While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.  "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir.  We're diggin' an asshole."

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Lawyer Jokes

SOME OLD . . . SOME NEW (maybe)

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
  Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avo hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

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On vacation, a woman and her husband had to make an emergency visit to a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled," the woman demanded. "And don't bother with the Novocain either, because we're really in a hurry. Just take out the tooth and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was impressed. "You're certainly a very brave woman! Which tooth is it?"
The woman pushed her husband forward. "Show him your tooth, Dear."

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A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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Lets learn some new words:

Subdued (sub-dood')
Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Misty (mis-tee')
How golfers create divots.

Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl')
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Relief (ree-leef')
What trees do in the spring

Paradox (par'-u-doks')
Two physicians.

Control (kon'-trol)
A short, ugly inmate.

Primate (pri'-mate')
Removing your husband from in front of the TV.

Heroes (hee-rhos')
What a guy in a boat does.

Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray'-ter)
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.

Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur)
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

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A redneck couple was in bed on their wedding night and were about to consummate their marriage. The wife stops the husband, saying, "Be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
The man is astounded. He has never been with a virgin before. He decides to call his father for advice. "Dad," says the newly-married young man. "My new wife is a virgin! What do I do?"
"Better come on home, son," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."

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When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

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Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,
"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"
His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"

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Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, It's me."
- "Sugar!"
- "Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress –this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband everyday of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"
"You're going to die."

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Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements.
You are told you've got something in your teeth - you take them out to see what it is.

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TALK ABOUT AN AMAZING STORY

Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.
Oh, yeah - he's also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.
Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by Dec.31.
Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels.
"I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal," he said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."
Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode.
"They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."
Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlet in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno.
"There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway."
He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn't finished yet - he had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases.
"A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them." All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding. Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site (www.flyertalk.com) "I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.
Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation. "We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."
Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath.
"The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they'd get me on some technicality." But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles. Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest - 1,037,000 miles - to his American Airlines account.
By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades and bonus miles.
While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math - as you might have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math - and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S. "Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than $100 a ticket."
"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75."
As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them.
"Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff."
2000 San Francisco Examiner Page T2

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AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO HIRE A LAWYER.......................

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings. "I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."

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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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A science teacher suspected that her student John was cheating off another student, Cliff. Not knowing how to prove it, she gave the students a random test. The answer for number sixteen on Cliff's paper read, "I don't know." John's answer for number sixteen read, "Me either."

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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

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One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the gene pool.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching a solar eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit a bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353% After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence (the bathroom), Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is..... (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their and fiery reward.

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A young man, wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the wife goes to get her hair done. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

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A man bid on an exotic parrot at an auction. He really wanted the parrot, so he continued to bid higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" The auctioneer replied, "Don't worry, he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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SURGICAL GLOVES

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

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Dear Abby,
My husband is a lying cheat.   He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage.   He's a good provider and has many friends and supporters.   They know he's a lying cheat, but they avoid the issues.   He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him.   Every time he gets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was wrong and begs  me to forgive him.   This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheat.    I don't know what to do.
  Frustrated.

  Dear Frustrated,
Move to New York and run for the Senate.

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He Said - She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left  me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." The man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marine, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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Subject: Social Secuity Sex?

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know.  It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

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Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

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Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better  looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1.My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2.Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5.Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8.Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
14. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
16. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
19. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
20. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
21. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
22. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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40 Things a Southerner Would Never Say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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