WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #24!

This Page created on August 26, 2001!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 24

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The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Slowly, a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two men were having a conversation.
A: "My ears got burnt!"
B: "How did that happen?"
A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron."
B: "So how did the second one get burnt"?
A: "The person called back."

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer!"

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry said, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the problem to the principal. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal asked. The principal looked at the teacher and said, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."
"What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants"
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
"Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

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A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

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A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy says,"Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for chorizo sausage would you ask if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
The guys says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas..?"

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said:
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it. "
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um . . .equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
" Madam? Madam?..... ??"

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There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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AN IRISH TOAST.............................

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley.
  He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.  He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts:  he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears".

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Subject: Old Couple An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "you use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said :"then you use to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?"she asked.
"To get my teeth! "

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Subject: redneck hunter

This is a funny one... stay out of the woods!
A couple of Redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead!  What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.  I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

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Memories of Bill:

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
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The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.
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Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
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The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."
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Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
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Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
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Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."
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Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
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Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

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While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

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On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"
Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie.
The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets."
The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots, what would that make her?"
Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

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Evening Bath It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. "
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

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The last four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.
After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I... think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

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TOP 20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
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1. You can get chocolate.
2. "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate will not mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during work hours without upsetting your mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. (but eat enough of it and you might LOOK pregnant)
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young nor too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.

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Four people were in the same compartment on a long train journey; a young woman, a priest, a businessman and a very drunk Australian.
All had been quiet for an hour or so then the young woman suddenly started to sob uncontrollably. The priest bent over to console her. "Tell me my child, why are you crying?"
The girl sniffed and said: "I have just learnt that I am illegitimate, father."
The priest replied, "That's no sin. As a matter of fact I am illegitimate myself."
Then the businessman spoke up. "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing, but I must tell you that I am a self made man. I own several large businesses, in fact I am a millionaire, yet I too am illegitimate!"
At this point the drunk Aussie took out a cigarette and asked :
"Any of you bastards got a light?"

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The lifeguard on the beach at St. Tropez hauls out an apparently lifeless woman, a drowning victim. Seeing that resuscitation efforts would be futile, he goes off to notify the authorities.
Along comes this Frenchman who sees the young woman lying on the beach; he introduces himself, but the woman says nothing. He asks if she'd like some company; the woman does not object.
Shortly, he mentions to her that this is a topless beach, and wouldn't she be more comfortable that way?
Hearing no objection, he slips off her bra and then compliments her on her lovely, firm bosoms. He then puts his arm around her, and the woman does not protest. In a short while, he's got his hand into her bikini bottom, and she doesn't stop him there.
By the time the lifeguard comes back, the Frenchman in screwing the now-naked woman right in the surf.
He says, "Pardon, sir, but did you know that this poor woman is dead?"
"Dead! My God! I thought she was an American!"

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

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Quotable:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. ORourke

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Devoted Couple

One evening, watching her neighborhood from her front porch, a wife pointed out one young couple on their street to her husband. "Do you see that couple? They are so devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

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3 Cajuns and 3 Texans are taking a train to attend a conference. At the station, each Texan buys a ticket, but they notice that only one Cajun buys a ticket.
"Don't you all need tickets?" they ask.
"Mais Non" reply the Cajuns, "One is more dan enough, boo."
Once they board the train, the Texans take their seats and notice that all 3 Cajuns cram themselves into a toilet. As the conductor passes through the car, he knocks on the toilet door and says:
"Ticket, please." The door cracks ever so slightly, a hand passes out a ticket, and then the door quickly closes.
"Ahhh..very clever" think the Texans.
After the conference, the 3 Cajuns and the 3 Texans are again at the train station for the return trip. Since the Texans are now so 'money-wise', they smirk as they only purchase one ticket....but then they notice that the Cajuns don't buy a ticket at all.
"How will you get back without even a single ticket?" they ask.
"Mais, we don need dat, us on de back trip!" say the Cajuns.
Once they board the train, the 3 Texans cram themselves into the largest toilet (naturally), and the 3 Cajuns ease into another toilet. As the train begins to move away from the station, one of the Cajuns leaves the toilet and knocks on the door of the Texans' toilet, says, "Ticket Please".

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Cajuns Declare War

The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided this is WAR!!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. I'm callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"
"Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door naybor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Woo-eee!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!"
Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I' ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Ei -yee!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later."
Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took Marcell's utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Ah-yie-yie!", screams Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later."
Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day.
"Bon jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I gots to toll you we is callin' off dis war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way he's gonna feed no two million prisoners."

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar....you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie? ... LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

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Afghan TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "Everybody Loves Osama"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right"

WEDNESDAY
8:00 - "Goodnight America"
8:30 - "Third Rock From Kabul"
9:00 - "When Northern Alliances Attack"
9:30 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
10:00 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

THURSDAY
8:00 - "Lifestyles of the Dirt Poor and Dusty"
8:30 - "West Wing ER"
9:00 - "Veilwatch"
9:30 - "Who Wants To Be A Martyr"
10:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long Black Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

FRIDAY
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "My Two Bagdads"
9:00 - "Achmed's Creek"
9:30 - "No Witness News" This is my favorite!
10:00 - "Wild Wild Mid East"
10:30 - "I Dream of Jihad"

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A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

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A Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out--- virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

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The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."
"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

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President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women are asked to walk out of their house naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to FBI Headquarters.
The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you.

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A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

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In the days of the Wild West, there was a young man who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized a handsome man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. So the young man took the seat next to the gunslinger, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The gunslinger looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the man. "Sure will," said the gunslinger.
The aspiring gunman did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the man, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the gunslinger, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young gunslinger.
"You bet it will," So the young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" he said, "I'm learnin' somethin' here--got any more tips?"
Then the man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," he said, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the gunman, "...but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much..."

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Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
They paused then started to laugh.

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HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
---------------------
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.

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At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Imigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action continued against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

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The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."
"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

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The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America".
The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future."

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It just figures..... According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen---had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

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How rumors get started:

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Subject: Why are the Taliban terrorists so quick to commit suicide ?
Let's see now:
No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No titty bars.
No playboy channel.
No organized sports of any kind to speak of.
Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you speak!"
f***ing sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the dork next door, no wait, is that music?....can't tell.
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better!

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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.
"One American soldier is better than ten taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One American soldier is better than one hundred taliban".
Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One American soldier is better than one thousand taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine-gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap...
...there's two of them."

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Once, there was these two ol' country wimmen sitting out on the porch in their rockers, shellin' peas.
One of them, Martha, asks the other, "Sarah, did you and Homer ever have mutual orgasm?"
Sara rocked awhile, thinkin'.....
Then she replied, "No, Martha, I believe it was Mutual of Omaha."

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Grandma and Grandpa are sitting out on the front porch one day in their rockers , when Grandpa says to Grandma, "Wanna f*ck?"
Well, they sit there in silence and rock for a while, then Grandma says, "Wanna f*ck?"
Again the silence and the rocking continues for quite some time when Grandpa speaks up and says,
"This oral sex ain't all it's cracked up to be........"

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Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

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ADDITIONS TO THESAURUS (A dinosaur species which died out from an overdose of articles)

coffee (n.), person who is coughed upon.
flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have > gained.
abdicate (v.), to give up hope of having a flat stomach.
esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
negligent (adj.), condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your underwear.
lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up when you have been run over by a steamroller.
balderdash (n.), rapidly receding hairline.
testicle (n.), humorous question on an exam.
rectitude (n.), formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist before examining you.
oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts.
pokemon (n), Jamaican proctologist.

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A young polar bear asked his mother, "Hey, Mom, tell me the truth. Am I one hundred percent polar bear?"
"You sure are," his mother replied. "I'm one hundred percent polar bear and your father is one hundred percent polar bear."
Not completely satisfied with the answer the youngster asked his father the same question.
"Well, son," his dad told him, "all your grandparents and great-grandparents were one hundred percent polar bears, so you are one hundred percent polar bear as well. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know.....," he said....."It's just that I'm f**king freezing."

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A general and his paratrooper son are sitting at home discussing events.
"So son, tell me about your first jump," says the general.
"Well we got to the jump site, and I was really scared. I didn't think I could do it. When it was my turn to jump, I got to the door, and I just couldn't do it."
"What happened then?", asked the general.
"Well, then my drill Sergeant came up behind me, and pulled out his schlong and said, 'Jump or I'm going to stick this in your butt!'"
"Well did you jump......?", asked the general.
"Oh just a little....at first."

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THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night before the Holiday of which one can take judicial notice is commonly called Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, mice.

Stockings were temporarily placed, and shall not be considered to constitute fixtures, by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief, that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children of the aforementioned House were located safely and securely in their beds and it is of course not known for certain, but believed to a reasonable degree of certainty that said children were dreaming of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, which did dance, cavort and otherwise frolic in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint (with rights of survivorship) owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of justifiable wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle was affirmatively identified as the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal coconspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer") (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus committed the tort of breaking and entering through his unauthorized ingress through the chimney of said House.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, upon which was readily observable evidence of his breaking and entering by virtue of residuefrom the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what "appeared" to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not make any oral statement or admission, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung, but were not permanently affixed, adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

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The Night Before Christmas..South Philly Style!

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,"
"Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,"
"Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,"
"Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'"
"Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
"Now all you're gettin' is coal,"
"You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin'
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,"
"And yous better show some respect!"

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Announcement From Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen"...when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. The song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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