WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #25!

This Page created on December 16, 2001!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 25

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With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the efrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

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If Dear Abby were a man:

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then, just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle a relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep, never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal?

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a Movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

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The following exchanges occurred on the original "Hollywood Squares" game show, when the questions indisputably were designed to provoke comic responses, but the responses themselves were spontaneous, rather than scripted as they are in today's version of the show.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago when he was 41. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb. Can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said...
"It is 5.00am, wake up."

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Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, as well as a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

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Label funnies...
(Not sure who put the comments under each one, but they are funny so I left them in)
1. On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):"Do not turn upside down."
[Oops, too late!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
[As sure as night follows the day]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklift]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
[One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious]

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

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How can you not like a president that can make a crack like this in a cabinet meeting?
A reporter who was allowed to sit in on the cabinet meetings this past week reported this quote from President Bush:
"The last thing that I want to do is to launch a 10 million dollar missile at a 10 dollar tent and hit a camel in the ass."

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Interesting Word Histories

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts from the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, even in June they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water. Following him, the same water was used by the other men, the sons, the women, and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high. It was the only place for animals to get warm. So all the dogs, cats, and other small critters (including mice, rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "it's raining cats and dogs."

The roof was not always effective in stopping things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Thus, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor of the house was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery when they got wet in Winter. So, they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until, when the door was opened, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway which came to be known as the "threshold."

Food was cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leave the leftovers in the pot, and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for quite some time. Hence, the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of both wealth and that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food-causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes. So, for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers-a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and often worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, one could get "trenchmouth."

Bread was divided according to status; workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. They might be taken for dead and prepared for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table. The family would gather around and eat and drink for a couple of days and wait to see it they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and reuse the graves. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside. They realized they had been burying people alive. So, a string was tied on the wrist of the deceased. It led up through the coffin, up through the ground, and was tied to a bell. Someone sat out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell," or be considered a "dead ringer."

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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Granda Central Station. My beautifula Virginia hada packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and he say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'"
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino! Conductor walk by me again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'" "We go to smoker car and I smokea my cigar..."
"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"
"Next'a time, Ima driva down to Florida"

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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you can kiss your ass good-bye.

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Did You Know:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
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If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
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The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(O.M.G.!)
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A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
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A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it ! starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.= )
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
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The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the.= ...?!")
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The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
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The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
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Some lions mate over 50 times a day
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...... quality over quantity .)
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Butterflies taste with their feet
(Something I always wanted to know.)
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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........"Honey, I'm home!")
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Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
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Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...)
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A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) (and how much?)
******! **************************************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too. My EX, for one)
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Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

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Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

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Daddy's little girl . . .

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3- year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears running down her face. I said, "what's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up, she looked at me and said, "Daddy, where's my booger????"

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One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

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A Real Man's Chain Letter

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

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! Boys would read more.

! Kids would get more rest.

! Work would get done more efficiently.

! Potty training? Who needs it!

! And of course the kids would be much more able to express their emotions!

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Subject: FW: Matter of appearances The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."
After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.
"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.
"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle,
and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch. When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

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DON'T give me any ideas here.

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Subject: A Valentine for Osama

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad."
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

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Some GROANERS

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him........what?
........A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...."
"I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out. "Ahhhh please, Dad?"
"Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added.
"I promise, Dad, I'll use them...."
Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?"

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The Geography of a woman:

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but not yet free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

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An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction; with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling.
"Did you say prostitute? That was a close one ...I thought you said Protestant!"

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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true story... [sic]
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard !

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PASSWORD REJECTED

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on.
The husband, thinking he'll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer...
p - e - n - i - s
His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water."
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

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A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom Retirement Home: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago."
He continues: "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG."
"Vegetables can be dirty and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after you eat it?"
In the front row, 75-year-old Morris stands up and says,
"Vedding cake"

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Emergency Surgery!

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)












God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

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Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's...could write something so very eloquent... and so very appropriate post 9/11. He is a genius at writing about the ironies and contradictions in our society.

*****A wonderful Message by George Carlin*****

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

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Should kids witness a birth? A true (sic) story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark,so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

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Warning: groaner ahead.....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

..."Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

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BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto,Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $4-7 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

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A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

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Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
Of course, there is MY favorite:
Momster: Short for wicked mother-in-law.

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"If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy."
"Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny... If you see me without a boner, make me a sandwich..."

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BUMPER STICKERS I'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine

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A man and his wife were driving down the road. Suddenly, they were pulled over. The officer came to the window and asked the man, "Sir, did you know that you were speeding?"
"No, sir I didn't."
His wife said, "Oh honey, you just said you ought to slow down, you were going 70."
"Shut up honey." the man whispered.
"Sir, may I see your drivers license?" the officer asked.
"Sure officer." The man handed the officer his license.
"Did you know that you license has expired?"
"Well, no I didn't officer." the man replied.
"Well, honey, you said you were meaning to renew that next week." his wife said.
"Shut up honey!" the man said louder than before.
"Sir, did you also know that u have a tail light out?"
"No sir, I sure didn't."
"Honey you just made you appointment for Tuesday this morning." his wife said.
"SHUT UP HONEY!" the man yelled at his wife with frustration.
The officer looked at the wife and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this often?"
She replied, "Only when he's drunk."

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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 7 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a100-pound Propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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