WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #26!

This Page created on March 10, 2002!

SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 26

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

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A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names."
"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy! "All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's easy," said the mother. "Then I call them by their last names."

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

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RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS

1. I was so poor growing up .. if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
22. My girlfriend is so ugly that when I took her to the top of the Empire State Building planes started to attack.

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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?" So, she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face; it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2004.

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Language of the female gender....

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!"

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh,let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
NINETEEN- I am unable to remember if I have mailed this to you before or not!

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A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty-four dollars."
"Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

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Can you answer this riddle?

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.
Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them. Remember, the best way to make a friend is to BE one.

Paul Harvey RIDDLE:
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

Please feel free to send me your answer. If you cannot figure it out, E-mail me and I will send you the answer.

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Subject: Solution to Hijackings

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,

William Jefferson Clinton

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Subject: A Bear in a Bar in Billings

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."








.........You're gonna love this..........








The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

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This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

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After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

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Dear Kids,

I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling very good this week - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows.
It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the rec room has a pretty decent web cam. So you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture of myself.
You all take care, and write to me soon.
With all of my heart,
Love Grandma

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This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do for your job?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers, eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "And what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of the bridge...."

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A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

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A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next? "
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

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Bruce and Con were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Los Angeles. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bruce said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Con says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Con.
Con says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Con says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in San Diego!!!"

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The hare-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick."
The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!"
The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?"

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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper."
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Laxatives won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

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A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*CK you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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Ouch..
For anyone who feels they've been invited to too many weddings lately have a laugh. This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F*CK you!" He turned to his bride and said, "F*CK you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"
He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all...
3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?
Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000
Photographers for the wedding -- $3,000
Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks -- $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex -- Priceless!!!

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. "
"My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

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An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times."

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

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A COP PULLS OVER A SEVENTY-TWO YEAR OLD JEWISH MAN DRIVING IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN. THE OLD GUY ASKED THE COP "WAS I SPEEDING, OFFICER?".
THE COP SAID "NO, BUT ARE YOU AWARE YOUR WIFE FELL OUT OF THE CAR TWO BLOCKS AGO?"
THE JEWISH MAN RESPONDED "THANK GOD! I THOUGHT I WENT DEAF."

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After many years of marriage, like a lot of women, the wife felt that her husband didn't pay much attention to her wants and needs. The husband always claimed business pressures, and it wasn't a matter of ignoring her, just that he was too tired.
One morning, following a night of what can only be called "Tepid Love-Making", the husband noticed a new message under his name on the Whiteboard by the telephone.
His wife had written, "Call Undertaker. See if they give free estimates."

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"Truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race. "
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" ; She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit."

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NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

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"BackSeat Drivers"

Boudreaux waz driving down de road de udder day wit his wife, Marie, and his mudder-in-law in de car.
Every couple hundred yard, de two women would take turns telling him some'hing. "Slow down!" "Watch de udder car!" "Don't drive so close to the line!" "Look out for dat curve."
After awhile dis started to wear on Boudreaux. He slams on de brakes and pullos onto de shoulder of de road. Turning to Marie, he say, "Look, who's driving dis car? You or your mudder?"

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The Redneck Sexual IQ Test

A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

Vagina is a medical term used todescribe a Heart Attack.
True or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

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A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.
The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't." "Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
The Northerner has a smirk on his face.
The Southerner listens in silence.
The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South."
Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"
Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.
Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."
Southerner: "We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle'em, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell 'em to Yankees."

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A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light open. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?" " What are you doing?" " Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night...
And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?" " I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

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A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out.
When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

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Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.
Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

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Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days.
He'd run by.
She'd holler, "Fifty dollars."
He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "
One day, Hillary decided she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary), and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the hooker, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation.
Sure enough, there she was -- standing where she always did.
Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill, "See what you get for five bucks?"

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LESSONS FROM MOTHER

MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"

MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"

MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why!"

MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"

MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"

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ZEN

I think #6 is probably the one that holds the most meaning for me.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse .
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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