WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #27!

This Page created on May 12, 2002!

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Before There Was Chapstick...

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, Stranger" greeted the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff", returned the cowpoke.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted the horse's tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and headed straight toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister", said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff, 'cause I got me some powerful chapped lips.", the cowboy replied.
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
The cowboy turned back toward the saloon and without missing a beat explained, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin 'em!"

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I was on Highway 20 out of Montreal driving toward Quebec City and I decide to stop at a rest stop to use the men's room.
The first stall was occupied so I went in the second. I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly:" Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

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Naughty Fairy Tale #1
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, said, "Red, I'm Going to screw your brains out."
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

Naughty Fairy Tale # 2
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would complain about splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Naughty Fairy Tale # 3
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face and screamed, "Lie to me!", "Tell the truth!", "Lie to me!"

Naughty Fairy Tales # 4
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions "'First, you must wear a diaphragm and second you must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago."
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name."
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

Naughty Fairy Tales #5
Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she's fuckin' Goofy".

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This is the first time I have tried this on my jokes pages, a link to another funny site. This link is to the live audio of one of the funniest skits ever done, Abbott & Costellos famous "Who's On First".

* WHO'S ON FIRST

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You know you grew up in an Italian family when....

1. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.
2. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich".
3. Your family dog understood Italian.
4. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.
5. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.
6. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day,not seven.
7. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday.
8. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
9. You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.
13. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.
14. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.
15. You ate your salad after the main course.
16. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
17. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon.
18.You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.
19. You learned to play bocce before you went to school.
20.You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
21.You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
22. You grew up calling the bathroom the baccausa. And you only had one.
23. You were surprised to learn most kitchen utensils had another name which didn't end in a vowel.
24. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
25. You have at least six male relatives named Johny, Frankie or Louie.
26. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
27. You have relatives you don't speak to.
28. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
29. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos.
30. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.
31. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait..... You were sitting on plastic.
32. You thought that talking loud was normal.
33. You thought cookie cakes and passing the shoe were common at all weddings.
34. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.
35. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.
36. Every lunch meat you ate ended in a vowel.
37. There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including the cellar.
38. There was a saint in a bathtub in the yard.
39.Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.
40. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father.
41. You know what lemon ice is.
42. Your Christmas tree was silver.
43. You called pasta macaroni.
44. You have at least one irrational fear or phobia which can be attributed to your mother.

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Have A Drink

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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To: The Supervisors

Dear Supervisors:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

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It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

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My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges awarded Brewster two prizes,
1) the No Bell Prize and
2) the Pullet Surprise.

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The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

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Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool.

Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the award:

1.) January, 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

2.) June, 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3.) October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

4.) October, 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked by Mr.Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

5.) December, 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6.) December, 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, DE, successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And now, a recent addition.

7.) January, 2002: Police in Vermont stopped a man. After running his name, it came back that there were warrants for his arrest from Florida. Before the police could arrest him, he fled into a nearby forest (in the middle of winter). The police searched for him, but were unable to find him. Three days later, the suspect turns himself in to police and was taken to the hospital with frostbite. He ended up having several fingers and toes amputated. He is now suing the police. Why? The police didn't look for him hard enough! He stated in an interview, 'If they had searched harder, they would've found me'. He's accusing the police of dereliction of duty leading to his loss of limbs. Go figure.

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There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing."
"I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story ......................... Never lie to girls.

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The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff, I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her . . . so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts . . . so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says........"
"'Now go to town cowboy.' So here I am."

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A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring him for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the English girl?"
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

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An old geezer had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"

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Virgin

Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night. Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"
With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"
"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

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PROFILING

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbutt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

5.In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

6.In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10.On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11.In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12.In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling!

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MORE ON PROFILING

UPI International April 25, 2002 Kansas City:

An American Airlines flight, enroute from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City, was diverted to Kansas City yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum.
Flight Attendant Bunny Haggardly said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat leaning forward and holding a cigarette lighter behind his legs.
"I thought he was just trying to light a fart,said Haggardly, like our pilots are always doing on layovers. Then I saw this string-like thing hanging from his ass, and I got scared."
Haggardly immediately called for assistance. Several male passengers subdued the man before he was able to light the fuse. After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the mans intestines were stuffed with military-grade C4 explosive. FBI agents stated that it would have been a complete catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in lighting the fuse.
The passenger, Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, Age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from various countries throughout the middle east. Asked why he had stuffed himself full of plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the chit out of the plane. I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we are a peace loving pipple."
Airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he boarded American flight 90. They were a bit concerned because his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a checkered tablecloth as a hat, looked like he was ready to kill someone, was reading an Al Quaeda training manual and had on a Fu_ck America tee-shirt. According to Federal Airport Security standards, however, individuals cannot be profiled for additional security simply because they are young, middle-eastern men.
The security supervisor, Leroy Jackson, said he was somewhat concerned with the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, man, the guy waddled like he had a stick of dynamite up his ass! Had I not been on the phone with my probation officer, I might have checked this guy out some more."
But, we want and need complete diversity in our passenger screening, stated Jackson. Plus, we think the flight crews on those planes pose more of a threat to safety than one raghead with an exploding ass. Thats why you can always find one of them pilots in bare feet waiting for his shoes to be x-rayed. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that, he guffawed adding, I just hope they don't give those guys guns, cause they might want to even the score.
Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a butt bomb. Security experts believe this could be even more difficult to detect than the primitive shoe bomb used by terrorist Richard Reid.
I'm not sure how were going to check for butt bombs, stated Jackson. We don't have technology to do it, but we've got to check somehow in the interest of safety, adding, I think we should start with Flight Crews first.
A post incident interview has concluded that even though Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba met every one of the FAA's mandated high threat security criteria, he was not selected for screening at the boarding gate because he was not an American Airlines employee. All the security screeners were busy hand-searching company employees and non-revenue stand-by passengers at the time of boarding.
One source told API that "He looked suspicious to me, but we were under such pressure to close the door 15 minutes prior to scheduled departure that there just wasn't enough time to get to anyone but the non-revs."

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JUST AS RIDICULOUS AS THE PROFILING SQUABBLE

FLORIDA, HILLARY, AND AIRPORTS
Maybe Them Terrorists Just Got Their Towels Wrapped Too Tight?

By Fred Reed

The whole curious affair began when Fatima Ali Rezah, a citizen of Algeria, refused to unveil for a driver's license photo in Florida. The clerk, who didn't follow society carefully, thought she was joking. She wasn't. Her religion, she said, prohibited baring her face. The laws of the United Stated were irrelevant. The clerk stared at her, puzzled. She was covered from head to toe in black cloth and looked, he later told friends, like a large raisin. He is what is nowadays called a good ol' boy, meaning someone with a Southern accent and common sense -- that is, starkly unqualified for diplomacy. He refused her request. A photo was supposed to identify, he said. This one wouldn't. One black bag was like another. No, he said. And that was that. Or should have been.
With encouragement from the ACLU, Fatima sued, and won on grounds of religious freedom. To insist on a photo would be discrimination, said the justices without noticeable rationality. DMV argued for separation of church and at least the state of Florida, but was told it applied only to conservative Christians. Things snowballed. About seven thousand Islamics lived in Florida, most of them studying crop dusting. Skeptics pointed out that they came from countries that didn't have crops. The Muslims said this was because their crops hadn't been dusted. The State Department accepted this explanation, saying it showed initiative and would result in self-sufficiency in vegetables in the Sahara. Anyway, the Muslims all demanded photos of textiles on their licenses. The hooded look was in. One of the crop-dusting students, who was studying pesticide chemistry in night school, said he wanted a bagged photo too. Not to allow it would be sexual discrimination, he said. The courts agreed. Florida, they said, would not countenance special privilege.
Soon dark blobs were everywhere behind steering wheels. The police, notoriously insensitive, began referring to them as BBJs, for "Black Bag Jobs." This led to agitation by the civil-rights apparatus. "Black" might offend African-Americans, "Bag" would damage the self-esteem of the digestively incontinent. Besides, it was the name of a book of the Bible, and banned from public discourse. But this was minor compared to what was coming. Unexpectedly, the black Muslims in the penitentiary at Calhoun filed suit, saying they wanted to wear bags too. The real reason was that they were engaged in ongoing warfare with the Aryan Brotherhood, a white supremacist organization noted for its shankwork. Wearing masks, thought the incarcerated Muslims, would be a tactical advantage. But they weren't women, objected the warden, who didn't read the papers and wasn't aware of the unisex decision. The Muslims were irate. "Man, you discriminate because we be guys, just like we be black. Can't nobody git no justice now how. Damn." This made no obvious sense and thus qualified for judicial review.
It got worse, or at least stranger. Months later the jailed faithful, no dummies, discovered that their beliefs required the wearing of gloves during fingerprinting. It was, they said, a tenet of their religion that had never been written down. Western civilization lacked respect for Oral Tradition, they said. This too began working its way through the courts.
Unaware of the searching revision of jurisprudence begun by her case, Fatima Ali Reza returned to Fort Myers, where she lived with her husband Abdul and three teenage daughters. They were in most respects a normal American family, except that they spoke English. Abdul was a branch manager at a local bank and gardened as a hobby. In the interest of economy, he had bought two tons of ammonium-nitrate fertilizer and kept it in the garage. The girls, good students, served as crossing guards at their school [where they became known as the Safety Rezahs.] Every morning Fatima made breakfast, made sure that Abdul had a clean towel, and got the girls off to school.
More trouble ensued. There were, as it turned out, implications for airport security. One Saturday at Miami International, the personnel at a security gate were strip-searching a 93-year-old woman in a wheel chair. Next in line, ignored by security, was a bearded Arab wearing a turban and carrying a briefcase marked "Bomb." A woman in line behind him repeatedly tried to get the attention of the security people. It took a while because the woman in the wheelchair was struggling, which distracted the searchers. Finally her gesticulation roused the suspicion of a supervisor. "Don't you see? He's got a bomb. Do something. Search him." "Ma'am, we can't profile. It's illegal. We search at random." "Yes, but it says bomb, for God's sake. Look."
The guard made a mental note to search the complaining woman, who had an Alabama accent and was therefore probably bigoted against Muslims. He explained to her that the man had a First Amendment right to write anything he chose on his luggage. To suspect a Muslim male with a bomb of bad intentions was stereotyping, he said, bordered on racism, and could lead to prosecution for Hate Thought. The woman was so infuriated that she stormed off, muttering that she was going to move back to the United States, if she could find it. Her luggage was never found among the debris. National attention grew.
Newsweek picked up the story, running a cover, "Mass Murderers: Victims or Martyrs?" Dr. Saxa Prolimet-Mantequilla, who taught Lesbianism and Tantric Symbology at Yale, argued that Muslims had a history of oppression in the West. Challenged, she made the peculiar assertion that Anglophone peoples had used Muslims in dark sacrifices and even in cannibalism; why, she said, nursery rhymes proved it. Anyone but a reporter would have had the sense to let this one pass. One of them asked. Prolimet-Mantequilla answered: "Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet, eating her Kurds in Hué. That's cannibalism. Note that she says her Kurds. Indisputable evidence of slavery."
The idea was silly enough that several campus organizations began campaigning for reparations for enslaved Kurds, correctly thinking that it would annoy their parents. The Atlantic solemnly picked up the story. Hillary Clinton was then running surreptitiously for president, hoping to finish off the country. She flew to Gainesville and said that she favored reparations for mistreated female Kurds of color. These came to be called Reparations H. Her approval rating rose to 76% among the functionally illiterate, which pundits said assured her the Democratic nomination. Fatima Ali Rezah was blissfully unaware of all of this. She made supper for her husband, who was downtown renting a truck, and got the Safety Rezahs ready for bed. America after all was built on immigration...

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Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No premarital sex.
No booze. No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums or tailgate parties.
Actually, no tailgates.
No meat from a pig.
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight.
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your butt only with your left. Like life isn't complicated enough already.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
No music.
No radio.
You can't shave.
You can't shower.
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it?

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Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight .. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas were going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick- witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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This is a great example of "Did I Say That Out Loud???"
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, " If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical information.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said ( or rather implied ), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a nice day!"

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Diets & Dying

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Robbery!

------------------------------------------------------------
An escaped convict runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he getsangry, he will kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too ..."

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decide she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word 'Comfortable".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. (com-for-da-bull)".

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife, he would then hold her head under the covers and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"

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Great American Quotes..................

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Author Unknown
___________________________

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
Author Unknown
___________________________

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Drew Carey
________________________________

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
Lewis Grizzard
_______________________

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
_______________________

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
________________________

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry
__________________________

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Marilyn Pittman
_______________________

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger
__________________________

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone
_________________________

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
Conan O'Brien
____________________________

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
__________________________

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni
__________________________

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
_____________________________

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
____________________________

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld
__________________________

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson
______________________

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
________________________

"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
_______________________

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
A. Whitney Brown
______________________

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
_________________________

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
______________________

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
____________________

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry
____________________

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
Unknown

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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad.....""WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
____________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
______________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
______________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
_____________________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

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Tommy had reached school age. His Mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. On the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?"
She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What, again?" he asked.

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A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."

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SO TYPICAL

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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Little Billy goes to school and the teacher says, "Today, class, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Billy says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

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THE EYES ARE THE FIRST TO GO

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