WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #28!

This Page created on June 16, 2002!

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TALK ABOUT MORNING BREATH.......

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Subject: Age Difference

Dear Abby,

I met Laurie at a singles dance.
I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me.
I was right. I was 54 and she was 32.

I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening.
She made me feel so comfortable in her presence.
Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.
I told her I felt people staring at us.
I said they are probably wondering if I am your father.
She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.
Laurie and I have been dating now for three months.
I really like her and I think she likes me.
Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us.
Sometimes they just outright stare.
It is very annoying and I know it is our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet.
I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing.
Why do people have to be so rude....?
Concerned, Fred

PS: I have included a charming picture of Laurie.

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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

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Subject: True Doctor Stories:

# 1
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>>Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

#2
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
>>Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

#3
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
>>Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

#4
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. ! I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
>>Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

#5
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
>>Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

#6
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
>>Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

#7
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
>>Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

#8
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

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New generic drug name............

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Alimpdixafixit, and of course Ibepokin.

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Subject: problems

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter, Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry'?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody asks me that. It's the name of the owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years agowhen I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?' He said, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?'"
"I said, 'Sam Ting.'"

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

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One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

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"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

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Bumper Stickers You Missed

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
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2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
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3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
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5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
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7. If That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive Better.
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8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
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9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
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10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else.
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12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
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13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
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16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
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17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
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21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
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25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
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27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
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30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
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32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
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37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
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38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Over... [Seen Under A Jeep]
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40. Remember : Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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42. If Walking Is Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
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43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
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44. Ax Me About Ebonics.
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45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
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47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
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48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
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50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
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53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
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54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
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55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
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56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
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57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
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58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
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64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
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65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
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THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME . . .

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money; Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER-NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET- WELL CARDS.
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this message. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before he picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized...
Then, send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.

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A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

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An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.
The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"
The man replied, "I am 78."
The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

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Arafat wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and Arafat was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Arafat.
Report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

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HOW TO BARBECUE

Barbecueing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man says, "Hey, let's have a barbecue tonight. I'll cook and you can relax!", this is what happens...

1. The man goes out to the patio, grabs a beer, and begins to prepare the grill.
2. The woman goes to the store and buys all vegetables, meat, paper plates, and so on.
3. The woman washes and chops the vegetables, fixes the salad, and prepares the vegetables and side dishes and dessert.
4. The man sits down with another beer, lights the grill, and observes it for a while to make sure it's working.
5. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, making sure it stays lit.
6. The man ceremoniously places the meat on the grill.
7. The woman goes inside to get the plates ready and check the vegetables.
8. The man double-checks the beer cooler and has another one. The woman comes back out to remind the man that the meat is burning.
9. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
10. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
11. After eating, the woman clears the table, disposes of the trash and does the dishes.
12. The man grabs a beer and goes inside to watch the game.
13. The woman goes back outside and turns off the grill.
14. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

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As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch t.v., eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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Tell me this....

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?"
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

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Highway Speeding

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

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HooRah for Dennis Miller!! He said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean s---."

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The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation family-owned garment business met with his board of directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. sales were down and costs were up. The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still... things looked very precarious.
The board of directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided to seek advise from his Rabbi. He poured out the story, with tears running down his face about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building this once-thriving business. He ended by asking plaintively "So Rabbi, what should I do?"
The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and then quietly intoned: "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair, and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge. Sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind from the sea rifle the pages of the open Bible..."
"Yes Rabbi,... yes!" Encouraged, the business owner, completely at a loss for any better ideas, agreed.
"... And ven the pages stop turning in the vind I vant you should look down at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you must do." ... Pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty.
A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man) returns to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new $2,000 handmade Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink coat; they had driven to see the Rabbi in their brand new BMW 740i Sedan. The business owner discretely pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an envelope to him, stuffed with money.
"Rabbi," he whispered, "this is a little something for you and your wife, and here's also a check for $25,000 for the Synagogue."
The Rabbi, although very old, remembered the man.
"So, you did vat I said?"
"Absolutely!"
"You vent to da beach?"
"Yes I did!"
"And you sat in the beach chair vit da Bible open on your lap?"
"Yes Rabbi."
"Absolutely!"
"And you let da vind riffle through da pages until they stopped?"
"Absolutely!"
"And vat vuz the first words you read on dat page?"
*** " Chapter Eleven." ***

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What Barron's doesn't tell you:

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split - When your ex and her lawyer split all your assets between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy your stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before email.
CSCO - Sidekick of Pancho. ( You have to be over 50 for this one.)
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker at $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past-years' investor who is now locked up in the nuthouse.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - (thinks he's) God.

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Two hunters from Michigan--(true story)...
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused, and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
----BOOM!----
Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

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How much does this guy like biking?! This ad appeared in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. The unfortunate photographic illusion was quickly noticed (look at the bike seat) and action was taken to correct the advertisement, but not before the image made it to the news stand. They should have used a bike seat that was not tan in color. This was also featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting - "Your grandma's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says - "I just did your grandma, and it was sw-eee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces - "Your grandma liked it!"
Finally the guy has had enough and yells, "Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

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Buy a Ford?

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile--changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion,
2. it chatters at high speeds,
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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THIS AIN'T NO JOKE

OPENING PRAYER - KANSAS STATE SENATE
This is an interesting prayer given in KANSAS at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the KANSAS SENATE, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:
Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good," but that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
We confess that We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it Pluralism.
We have exploited the poor and called it the Lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and prnography and called it freedom of speech.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center of Your will and to openly ask these things in the name of Your Son, the living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Reverend Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.
The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa, and Korea. Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program "The Rest of the Story" and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called, "One nation under God".

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SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT!

Hip Hip Hooray!! Finally, someone has said what I think has been on every American's mind!!!!! This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a local newspaper.
"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT!!" I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture, here in the USA. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely comprised of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of America, being a multi -cultural community, has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! ENGLISH. "In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, of Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is and always will be part of our culture.
If the Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. Remember, "Delta is ready when you are and they can have you there by nightfall".
This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But, once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different."
"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I’m taking Earline with me."

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A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, ''Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.''
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says, ''Excellent!''
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
The golf pro says ''Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's manhood.''
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
''Not bad," says the golf pro, "now try taking the club out of your mouth.''

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A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

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Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nubile young nurse greets them and tells them she's going to prep them for surgery and takes them to a room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in her hand and begins to masturbate him. ''Whoa!'' he says, ''What's going on?'' She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, ''How bad can it be?'' So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform oral sex on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, ''Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets that? That's not fair.'' The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, ''Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO.''

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A woman came home and told her husband that she was just at the shoe store trying on a pair of shoes and the clerk looked up her skirt as he was putting on her shoe and said "I'd eat that full of ice cream."
The wife said, "Honey I want you to go down to that store and kick his ass."
The husband said, "Honey, I'm not going to kick his ass for three reasons. First of all you don't need any more shoes. Second of all, you ought to wear panties when you go out in public like that. And third of all, I ain't messing with nobody that can eat that much damn ice cream."

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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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This guy came into my office with a horrible sunburn. He had been on spring break, and while out on the beach he fell asleep on his towel and got fried. He comes to me and says "Doc, I'm dying here. My legs are killing me. What can you do for me?" I told him I could help, and I gave him a Viagra. He asked me what the Viagra was for, and I said "Well, it's not going to do anything for the sunburn, but that erection you'll get will keep the sheets off your legs tonight."

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Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

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An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland."
"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.

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While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I’d limp, too."

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There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.
When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"
The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens."
The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?"
The redneck with he sack answered, "I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right."
So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into him.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus...?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking he pulls him out.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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At The Pearly Gates

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"

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Old Navy Chief

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Navy Chief. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Navy Chief is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Navy Chief stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Navy Chief. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Navy Chief, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

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On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back."
"That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.

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AS YOU KNOW, THERE IS A CERTAIN GROUP, CASTE, OR RELIGION IN INDIA WHERE THE WOMEN HAVE A RED SPOT ON THEIR FOREHEAD. YOU HAVE PROBABLY WONDERED WHAT THIS IS FOR.
THE ANSWER IS VERY SIMPLE. WHEN THEY GET MARRIED THEIR HUSBAND GETS TO SCRATCH IT OFF TO SEE IF HE WON A CONVENIENCE STORE, GAS STATION OR A MOTEL IN AMERICA

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A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."
His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"
The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

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Another Jewish Mother Story

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies "I don't like her."

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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