WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #29!

This Page created on September 1, 2002!

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The Q & A of Ya Ya sisterhood:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"THE YAYA ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY YAYA SISTERS UNDERSTAND

10. Cats or dog's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER Yaya sisters!

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and aks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

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A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

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The new bride, went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

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On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."

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Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints (sic) by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined> airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P:Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn ...is it midnight already??"

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last,despairing tug then yells...."Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"

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A man approached a local in a little town he was visiting in south Louisiana.
"What's the quickest way to Lafayette?"
The Cajun, Boudreaux by name, scratched his head. "Are you walkin' or drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"Dat'd be the quickest!" said Boudreaux.

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A man suffers a serious heart attack and has open heart bypass surgery. He is in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he is recovering, a nun asks him questions regarding how he is going to pay for the services.
He is asked if he has health insurance.
He replies in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asks if he has money in the bank. He replies, "No money in the bank."
She asks, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He responds he only has a spinster sister who is a nun.
The nun gets a little perturbed and announces loudly that, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replies, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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SOME "OLDIES" BUT GOODIES

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THE NAUGHTY GYNECOLOGIST

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all of his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally he mounted his patient and began having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which, is why I came here in the first place."

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Here's something to consider...Out of 100 questioned:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place.
36% of the women favor nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
"But how 'bout my friend?"
The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."
"You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist.
"I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians!'"

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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?", he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

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A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's sooooooooooo much cheaper ... so I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

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HERE ARE SOME ADS YOU WILL NEVER SEE!!!

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SOME MARRIAGE MINDED CARTOONS

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Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
I do not understand, said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over this oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and this huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and a top hat came oozing out."
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." ...
... I said, "No shit."

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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

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Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts"

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A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay,..... how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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An Indian (pc - native American) walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and in Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

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A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking nun out there again?"

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A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.
"I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he’s going to live with us, just like one of the family. He’ll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" someone asked.
"Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

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A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital. During his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly and vigorously masturbating.
"My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?"
The local doctor that was leading the tour explained; "I'm afraid this man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."
"Oh, yes... of course." replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite familiar with the condition. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.
"GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"
The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

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A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that you were able to jump into the pool and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

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New Drugs on the Market

S t. M o m' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering children unconscious for up to six hours.
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E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
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P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
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D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
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F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
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A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
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M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
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B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
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E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura
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J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
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A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
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R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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Rabbi Schwartz, a man of few words and a quick wit, answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sol Rabinowitz?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $100,000?"
"He will."

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Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

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"Ass Study"

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

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ATLANTA (AP June 11) - The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and the governors now have the sad task of reporting the emergence of a new race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following offspring:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyardaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

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Subject: Butt Naturally
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading: Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to Hysteria's and Posteriors.
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.
No go, so they tried Catatonics and High Colonics.
Thumbs down again, so they tried Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.
Still not good, so they tried Minds and Behinds.
Unacceptable again, so they tried Lost Souls and Assholes.
Still no go. Nor did Analysis and Anal Cysts, Queers and Rears, Nuts and Butts, Freaks and Cheeks or Loons and Moons work either.
They finally settled on: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

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At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems in today's' world.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

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Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel... in the following flavors:
Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha.
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll, please).........
Simchas T'Oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen ..

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A little Jewish woman, calling Mt. Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice at the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes darling, she's Sarah Finkel, in room 302."
The operator said, "Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her lab studies just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, that's fantastic, darling! That's wonderful news!"
The operator said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor doesn't tell me shit!"

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A few days ago Saddam decided to promote a trusted Lieutenant named Habib to serve as a "right-hand man" to serve his every need in case of impending war. After informing Habib of his decision, Saddam gave him these instructions: "In case of attack I am to be handed my lucky rifle and red shirt."
"Why a red shirt?" asked Habib. "That is so if the infidels should attack me and shoot me, my men won't see the blood and will continue fighting to victory!" yelled Saddam.
"Wow, you're a hero to us all!" exclaimed Habib.
Soon after, Saddam was out on his rooftop and saw the entire US and British forces in the air and on the ground. "Habib!", he yelled. "Get me my lucky rifle and my red shirt." After pausing to think, Saddam then whispered, "and my brown pants!"

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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

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As you know, there is a certain group, caste, or religion in India where the women have a red spot on their forehead. You have probably wondered what this is for.
The answer is very simple. When one of these women gets married, her husband gets to scratch it off to see if he won a convenience store, gas station or a motel in America.

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Subject: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me.
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me.
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells...........

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A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing. "Not bad." she answered.
"Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again, Miss. " he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replied. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replied. "You're Black."

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A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese,for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people."
"Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?"
David replied, "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"

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Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...
1. THE ALGORE Virus....(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus....(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
- And my personal favorite...
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

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Two Widows...
Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking.
Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car , a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . . a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. . let me tell you Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles, legs and thighs. He continues to lick her for a while then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies: " The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. "

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first and subsequent sexual congress. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed and paid her. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years.He thought it was a novel way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head on the coffee table.
She was amazed at his reaction asked him why the disappointment at such good news. With tears streaming down his cheeks he replied, "God Almighty! If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my busines."

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Do you have A.A.A.D.D?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder ... This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail...

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Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really badly," said the second bee. "The weather has been wet and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and then turn left and keep on until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, as he flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

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Sue Them All

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

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What are friends for if we don't share important information with eachother? In this spirit of friendliness, I want you all to be aware of the next roundofexpected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and makesome BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. GraceCo. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and becomePolly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
4. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as Fed UP.
5. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become FairwellHoneychild.
6. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Org. of Women will become Knott NOW!
7. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge tobecome, of course, ZipAudiDoDa; and,
8 Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

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The Vincent Van Gogh Family

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
1. His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
2. The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
3. The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
4. The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
5. His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
6. His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
7. The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
8. The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
9. The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
10. The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
11. The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
12. His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
13. The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
14. An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
15. The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
16. A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
17. His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
19. And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

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Subject: Where to gas up.....
Where to gas up.....without supporting terrorism
Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis. Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends. I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from.
Major companies that import Middle Eastern oil (for the period 9/1/00 - 8/31/01).
Shell................ 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco.........144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil........... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon............... 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco.................. 62,231,000 barrels
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION!
Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:
Citgo 0 barrels
Sunoco 0 barrels
Conoco 0 barrels
Sinclair 0 barrels
BP/Phillips 0 barrels
Hess 0 barrels
All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and can be easily documented. Refineries located in the U.S. are required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing. They report on a monthly basis.
Keep this list in your car; share it with friends. Stop paying for terrorism.............

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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