WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #3!
This Page created on July 16, 1997!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 3
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the US. The mother superior says, "I've heard that Americans actually eat dogs!" "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we're going to live in America, perhaps we should do as the Americans do." They find a street vendor advertising "Hot Dogs" and order two. The nuns take the foil-wrapped "dogs" to a park bench. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
* Ting-a-ling *
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Whether You are a new parent, a parent for many years or just a big kid, here are some previously misunderstood definitions clarified.
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AMNESIA:
The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 Neutron, 128 Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice-Neutrons and 111 Assistant Vice-Neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 315. These 315 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called Morons. Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every other reaction with which it come into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of ADMINISTRATIUM caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which Assistant Neutron, Vice-Neutrons and Assistant Vice-Neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that ADMINISTRATIUM occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government, large companies, healthcare facilities and universities, and will often be found in the newest, best buildings.
Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
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My turn to send to you some thoughts of interest . . .
(for you aol people - you may have already seen these - but)
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISHWASHING LIQUID contains real lemons.
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
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15. Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career.
14. Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt.
13. That constant ringing in his mouth.
12. Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled.
11. Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals.
10. Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose."
9. New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike."
8. Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci.
7. Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back.
6. Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink.
5. Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr.
4. Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99%
3. ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke.
2. He's starting to make O.J. look respectable.
and the Number 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson...
1. Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles.
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By Scott Hanson (Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.)
My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address. Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.
You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.
The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00
service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly.
Sincerely,
The Phoenix Branch
Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hansom
Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.
Dear Mr. Hanson,
It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this
office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent
Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson.
The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way.
Sincerely,
Your Psychic Reader
Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call your 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more that three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car
insurance.
A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs.
Sincerely,
Your Bank's San Diego
District Office
Dear San Diego District Office,
I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency
Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. dead, dead,
dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
A few more months, and:
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency.
Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
Sincerely,
Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office
Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father
passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should
also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
Dear Mr. Hanson,
This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment
of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency
Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence.
Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective. Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office there.
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What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
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There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony."
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think, Dear? The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her butt.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of BBQ.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.
The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
Invitations would read as follows:
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.... He's getting married. He either:
A) knocked her up,
B) couldn't get a different roommate, or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier's Field Stadium on the 50-Yard Line at Half-time of Sunday's Game.
Please join us at the MoonLight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh Yeah... B.Y.O.B.
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Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day.
At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.
My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded. At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release.
Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:
* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.
I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Also, all versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks-all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages > about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
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A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
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Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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God was reviewing his checklist for creating the world:
1) Create the earth - DONE & it is good
2) Create the heavens - DONE & it is good
3) Create light - DONE & it is good
4) Create the animals - DONE & it is good
5) Create the Garden - DONE & it is good
6) Create Adam & Eve - DONE & it is good
Now God sits Adam & Eve down and says, "I've gone over my list and everything so far is good. Now I've two more items to take care of. The first...... one of you will get to pee standing up..."
Immediately Adam throws his hand in the air, "Oh I will, I will, pick me pick me, can I can I can I, please please."
God looks down at his list. "Very well then Adam, you get to pee standing up," God says as He checks it off on His list.
"I guess that leaves the last one for you, Eve. You'll get to have multiple orgasms."
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The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
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- And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
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The scene is a New York City subway. Seated together -- somewhat awkwardly -- are a 40-ish businessman (conservative in dress, staid in demeanor), and a 20-something punker with a purple, green and pink mohawk. The punker notices that the businessman is staring at him, to the point
where the kid is finally compelled to say something. "Hey man, what's your problem? Didn't you ever do anything sorta outrageous when you were 22 years old?" "As a matter of fact, I did," said the businessman. "When I was 22, I had sex with a parrot; and I was wondering if you were my son."
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1.Some folks have it, some don't.
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account -- right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager," and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
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"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
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There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!"
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A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
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Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected; said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before the had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."
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10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt.Winner eats all.
9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch".
8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?" Holyfield: "What?"
7. Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled.
6. What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? "You gonna eat that?"
5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory.
4. Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."
3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III:
1. When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were that "it tasted like CHICKEN."
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A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked."Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1996. As you know the award is given annually to that individual whose demise has contributed most dramatically to the improvement of the human gene pool. You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) rocket unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on....
The 1996 nominees are:
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE #3 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith&Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #4 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #5 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. Accoding to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #6 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.] JOINT NOMINEE Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, while sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE #7["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996]. Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #8 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out
without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE 9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE 10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. 'Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.
AND FINALLY, NUMBER 11!!! (My personal favorite!!!) Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996: Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the WhiteRiver bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
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This man goes to the Urologist because of Impotence. The Urologist tells him that he needs a penis transplant. "Gee, Doc, how much is that going to cost?", asks the man. The Doctor says "Well, it depends on what you want. Here, let me show you."
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Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- That uniform makes your butt look really big.
- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
- Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand...
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
- I pay your salary!
- Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I'm not speaking to you.
- Gee, thanks officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
- Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down; I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
2.Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3.Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4.Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.V
5.Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6.It can be up or down. (It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.)
7.In the long distant past its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8.If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world."
Bubba says "Yes I do!"
Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!"
Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we
were kids!"
Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!"
Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind!
"The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!"
Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!"
Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!"
Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" The President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and
catch up for 30 mintutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-he can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country. That doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!"
So he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone from of the world spectrum and I know them!"
Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" Bubba says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-without much luck.
Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what. I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!"
When his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened!" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"
Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.
Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
The Third Gogh Around
Dahmer vs. Psalmer
The Last Supper
Ear-Reconcilable Differences
Grazing Bull
You Wanna Piece of Me?
Blood, Sweat and Ears
No Lobe Lost
Bite of the Century
Because we were all stupid enough to pay for it!
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I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
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This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
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I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
The Doctor takes his patient to a row of drawers and opens the first one. "Here is our standard 6 inch model, $1800 fully installed." The man asks, "What other options do you have?" "Well, here is our 7 inch model for $2200 installed," the doctor says as he opens another drawer, "and here is the 8 inch one for $2700," as he opens a third.
"Look, Doc. If I'm gonna do this I might as well go all the way. What's the very best you got?" The doctor looks around and leads the man to a hidden drawer at the end of the cabinet. Opening the drawer, the doctor reveals a humungous 12 inch penis. The man looks at it in awe and asks for the price. "I can let you have this one for $3500 complete," says the Doctor. The man thinks a moment and says, "OK, Doc. I guess I'll take it."
"But, tell me, do you have any like this in white?"
THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
