WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #31!

This Page created on March 3, 2003!

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A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood, and says, "I want to be a movie-star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway....he had all the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to make it in Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name".
The guy replied, "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. I'm telling you, for your own good, you will HAVE to change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
The guy snapped, "So be it. I guess, we'll not be doing business together then". And he left the agent's office.
TWENTY YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter, and a check for $50,000. The agent is astounded! Who would possibly send me a check for $50,000? he thought. He read the letter...........
Dear Sir,
Twenty five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward Sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his pe! nis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
Frustrated at this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

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Subject: all the more reason to stay single....

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA The rest cheat in Canada.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
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Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
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First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

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Bacon Tree

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink.
The near dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute."
He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

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NO WONDER WE CAN'T FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said, "If I told you, it would defeat the purpose."
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In a recent FDA study, the United States government research physicians who were conducting studies on test drugs, administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
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A small boy was lost in a rather large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and through tear filled eyes said, "I lost my Daddy!"
The policeman asked, "Tell me son, what's he like?"
The little lad replies, "Beer and tits."

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The US Navy today announced today that it has released a senior Al Qaida terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while he was held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In a humanitarian gesture the terrorist was given $50 US and a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. The photo below shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

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ATTORNEY

IN A TRIAL A SOUTHERN SMALL TOWN PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS TO THE STAND : A GRANDMOTHER, ELDERLY WOMAN. HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, "MRS. JONES, DO YOU KNOW ME?"
SHE RESPONDED, "WHY, YES I DO KNOW YOU, MR. WILLIAMS. I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A YOUNG BOY. AND FRANKLY, YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU NEVER WILL AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MORE THAN A TWO-BIT PAPER PUSHER. YES, I KNOW YOU"
THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, "MRS. JONES, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?"
SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YES, I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. BRADLEY SINCE HE WAS A YOUNGSTER, TOO. HE'S LAZY, BIGOTED, HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T BUILD A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE AND HIS LAW PRACTICE IS ONE OF THE WORST IN THE ENTIRE STATE. NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN. YES, I KNOW HIM"
THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED!
AT THIS POINT, THE JUDGE BROUGHT THE COURTROOM TO SILENCE, CALLED BOTH COUNSELORS TO THE BENCH, AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU BASTARDS ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, YOU'LL BE JAILED FOR CONTEMPT."

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

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After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

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Iraqi Jokes

What is the Iraqi Air Force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

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Subject: Fw: new Iraqi towns
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2003 07:04:38 -0400
Now that American Aircraft and Military have reorganized Iraq's landscape, USintelligence has discovered that they have renamed some of their towns. These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshoot-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Myturbin-Izburnin
9. Imma-Dedshmuck

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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"

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Subject: Non Intervention Proposal
The following 10 point non-interference plan which should make the world happy! Here's the plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Middle East and leave them on their own. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer!

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An orderly in a mental hospital is making the rounds one day when he sees a man running back and forth pretending he's driving a car.
"What are you doing, Willy?", he asks.
"I'm going to Chicago for the weekend.", the patient replies.
The orderly chuckles and enters Willy's room to change the sheets. When he walks in he finds one of the other patients furiously masturbating on the bed.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?", yells the orderly.
"Shhh," says the patient, "I'm screwing Willy's wife while he's in Chicago."

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Medical Advice Desk

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 CO-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Read this it's long but someone finally summed it up too bad they can't put it on TV prime time
For those of you unfamiliar with Fred Reed, he's a police reporter for one of the Washington newspapers (not sure which one). Anyway, Fred publishes (published) a weekly online column in which he got to say the things his editors would never, ever have let him write in the paper.
His stuff is iconoclastic and various articles have probably offended everyone regardless of political orientation. So, with the warning that "He is definitely not politically correct", here comes Fred. The following is an essay regarding the failings of a system and a culture.
Please note that he elegantly describes the mood of many white Americans and does so without prejudice.

"Slavery Reparations" ........by Fred Reed

On the Web I find that Henry Louis Gates Jr., the chairman of Afro-American Studies at Harvard, is demanding that whites pay reparations to blacks.
It's because of slavery, see. He is joined in this endeavor by a gaggle of other professional blacks.  I guess he'll send me a bill, huh? I feel like saying, Let me get this straight, Hank. I'm slow. Be patient. You want free money because of slavery, right?
I don't blame you. I'd like free money too. Tell you what. I believe in justice. I'll give you a million dollars for every slave I own, and another million for every year you were a slave. Fair enough? But tell me, how many slaves do you suppose I have? In round numbers, I mean. Say to the nearest dozen. And how long were you a slave?
Oh. In other words, I owe you reparations for something that I didn't do and didn't happen to you. That makes sense. Like lug nuts on a birthday cake.
Personally, I think you owe me reparations for things you didn't do and never happened to me. I've never been coated in Dutch chocolate and thrown from the Eiffel Tower. I'll bet you've never done it to anyone. I want reparations.
Kinda silly, isn't it?
But if we're going to talk about reparations, that's a street that runs in two directions. You want money from me for what some other whites did to some other blacks in another century.
How about you guys paying whites reparations  for current expenses caused by blacks?
Not long ago blacks burned down half of Los Angeles, a city in my country. Cities are expensive, Hank. Build one sometime and you'll see what I mean.
Whites had to pay taxes to repair Los Angeles for you. You can send me a check.
Now, yes, I know you burned LA because you didn't like the verdict in the trial of those police officers. Well, I didn't like the verdict in the Simpson trial. But I didn't burn my house and loot Korean grocers.
Over the years blacks have burned a lot of American cities: Newark, Detroit, Watts, on and on. Now add in the fantastic cost over the years of welfare in all its forms, of large police forces and jails and security systems in department stores. I can't live in the capital city of my own country because of crime committed by blacks. Toss in the cultural cost of lowering standards in everything for the benefit of blacks.
See what I mean?
Now, I'd view things differently if you said, "Fred, blacks can't get anywhere in a modern country without education. We know that. We need better schools, smarter teachers, harder courses, books with smaller pictures and bigger words. Can you help us?" I'd say, "Hallelujah! Hoo-ahh! Not just yes, but Hell yes."
Let's sell an aircraft carrier and get these folks some real schools and get them into the economic mainstream. I'd say it partly because it would be the right thing to do, and partly, because I'd like to add you guys to the tax base.  The current custodial state is expensive.
I'd just love for blacks to study and learn to compete and stop burning places.
But is it going to happen?
You may not believe it, but I, and most whites, don't like seeing blacks as miserable and screwed up as they are. I spend a fair amount of time in the projects. Those places are ugly. It's no fun watching perfectly good kids turn into semiliterate dope dealers who barely speak English.  It just plain ain't right. But, Hank, what am I supposed to do about it?  I can't do your children's homework.
At some point, people have to do things for themselves, or they don't get done.  Maybe it's time ?
I'll tell you what I see out in the world, Hank. I think blacks are too accustomed to getting anything they want by just demanding it. True, it has worked for over half a century. Get a few hundred people in the street, implicitly threaten to loot and burn, holler about slavery, and the Great White Cash Spigot turns on.
Thing is, whites don't much buy it any longer. Most recognize that what once was a civil-rights movement has become a shakedown game. Few people still feel responsible for the failings and inadequacies of blacks. Political correctness keeps the lid on -- but everyone knows the score.
Which scares me, Hank. On one hand, blacks hate whites and incline toward looting and burning. (The whites you hate are the ones who marched in the civil-rights movement. Ever think about that?)
On the other hand, whites quietly grow wearier and wearier of it. Not good.
On the third hand (allow me three hands, for rhetorical convenience), blacks keep demanding things. As I write, you demand reparations for slavery.
Blacks in Oklahoma (I think it was) want money for some ancient race riot.
Other blacks reject the Declaration of Independence, blacks in New York hint broadly at burning and looting over a trial, yet more demand the elimination of the Confederate flag, and the federal equal opportunity apparatus, which means blacks, wants to sue Silicon Valley for not hiring non-existent black engineers.
That's a lot of demanding for one month, Hank. What happens if whites ever say,  "No"?
Now, how about you? You've got a cushy job up there at Harvard, and you can hoot and holler about what swine and bandits white people are. I guess it's lots of  fun, and you get a salary for it. But don't you think you might do more good if you told them to complain less and study more?
For example, if you want blacks to work in Silicon Gulch, the best approach might be to find some really smart black guys, and get them to study digital design, not Black Studies.
That's how everybody else does it. It works. Then blacks wouldn't feel left out, and racial tension would decline.
Sound like a plan?
Just out of curiosity, how many hours a week do professors of Afro- American Studies spend in the projects, encouraging poor black kids to study real life subjects?. "

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EVER WONDER WHY OSAMA BIN LADEN WEARS A TURBAN?

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Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that ?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me ?"
Moral: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral: Always be well-informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity !

Corporate lesson 3
Usually the shop-floor staff of the company play football. The middle-level managers are more interested in tennis. The top management usually has a preference for golf.
Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

Corporate lesson 4
A sales representative, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first ! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next !" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

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This happened in a ladies US LPGA tournament recently. After winning her debut tournament this lady was asked to hold the trophy up and give it a kiss just for the cameras. The tournament organisers have since redesigned the trophy.

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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The couple were 89 years old, and had been married for sixty-five years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady say's "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says" Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

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(I can't vouch for the accuracy or source...)
01. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
02. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
03. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
04. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
05. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. (I still prefer the one about the pig and it's 45 minute orgasm.)
06. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
07. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
08. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
09. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist that discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down while shooting so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
30. The oldest Irish owned bar in America is Patrick's, in Baltimore.
31. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. (A fact most likely discovered as a result of one of those $50,000,000 government "pork" grants)
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

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Kids In Church (HEY, not ALL of my jokes are offcolor, ya know)
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little five-year-old girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side, I think I'm going to have a wife."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

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PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said," Those little bastards."

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MORE HEADLINES

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Iraq
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Bush Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Tornado Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Viagra Thief Gets Stiff Sentence

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VARIANT ON A BLONDE JOKE

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

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Several ~ Short Ones . .

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

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(can't vouch for the credits)...
Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
Gen. George S. Patton
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations, they're quarrels with borders.
P.J. O'Rouke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."
Barry Switzer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Answer is.........
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of crashing."
Billy Bob Thornton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer.
"How would we know the trains were late, if we didn't have a schedule?" replied the engineer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
-Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook

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The Candle

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye & yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week & I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle"

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(warning: ethnic humor follows, may be offensive to some...) (PSSSST, Politically Correct Disclaimer)
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
----------------------------
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
----------------------------
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
----------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a bowl of Jello?
A: The Jello moves when you eat it.
----------------------------
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
----------------------------
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.
----------------------------
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
----------------------------
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and get a speaking part."
----------------------------
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
----------------------------
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
----------------------------
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
----------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
----------------------------
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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MARRIAGE (PART I)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART II)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

MARRIAGE (PART III)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church!!??" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

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Medical Advice Desk (FINALLY someone has figured out HMOs)

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 CO-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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YARDWORK SIGN LANGUAGE

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.")
She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her butt, then rubs her crotch.
The man is confused and runs upstairs. "What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

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Subject: Livin' in 2003
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you
. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 1 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Temps outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

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CLOCKS IN HEAVEN
Hilary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant."
"Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Newfie.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain," said Newfie. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit in my pants." He got the job.

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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