This Page created on July 24, 2003!

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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

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A young chap from New Brunswick, on vacation in Miami Beach last week, falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The Doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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This old country boy was sent home from the hospital and told that the next time he had to pee, to pee in a cup. When the time came he did what he was supposed to, but he was too embarrassed to bring the cup back to the hospital. So he sent his wife.
When she handed the cup to the first nurse she could find, the nurse asked, "Is this urine?"
"Nope," the country wife says, "it's his'n."

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Milk
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his Life Science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A

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TOP IDIOTS OF 2002

No. 1 Idiot of 2002
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at a poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she found her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her she had better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

No. 2 Idiots of 2002
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming to! wards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

No. 3 Idiot of 2002
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

No. 4 Idiot of 2002
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained a photo of a pair, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

No. 5 Idiot of 2002
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash! from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the Scotch into the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got from the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

No. 6 Idiot of 2002
A pair of Michigan robbers entered! a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

No. 7 Idiot of 2002
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

No. 8 Idiot of 2002
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.

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In other news, Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do".

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One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin, Boudreaux made a confession. "We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wnna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nutin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarass you".
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to liv. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.
Sho' nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say. "I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anything. Make it rhyme." Fontenot him, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,
"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

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Technology advancements in the Navy

A very confident Navy Chief walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Chief explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Chief smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,"Well, I can tell you one thing..."
"There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Ruth and Golda meet on the street.
Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry, Ruthie! It says herpes is a disease of the Gentiles!"

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"Relax officer, it's not a missile. It's my wife's dildo. It takes a lot to please her.."

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LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT Today is my daughter's 18th birthday. I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those damn payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell that her that this is the last damn check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like.
As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy"......

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SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed, The Blonde

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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having sex with his wife.

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Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
Why are you wearing a "Thank God It's Friday" tee-shirt on Monday? her friend asks.
"Oh shoot!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant, 'Tits Go In Front!'"

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A deserter was running down a road in South Carolina escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied,"He went that way".
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: " I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood.
The guy said,"I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied,"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!"
"I don't want to go to Iraq either."

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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me"
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here."

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Some Home Remedies...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are... You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You were right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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It's the spring of 1959 and Dick goes to pick up his date, Maureen. Dick's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Maureen's father answers and invites him in.
"Maureen's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Dick.
Maureen's father asks Dick what they are planning to do. Dick replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Maureen's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Dick and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Maureen's father, "Maureen really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Dick's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Maureen comes downstairs in her litt! le poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Dick escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids", with a wink for Dick.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Maureen rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMN IT DADDY!"
"THE TWIST!!!!!"
"IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

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MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN ONLY

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of rap music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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A little old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored in their shoulders for the wings."
The little old lady looks around very uncomfortable. Soon there are more bloodcurdling screams, worse than before.
"Oh my goodness! Now what's happening?" says the little old lady.
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the little old lady, "I'm off to hell."
"You can't go there," calls St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"Yes," says the little old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that....."

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To: All Law Enforcement Personnel
From: Chief of Police
Subj: EBONICS RIGHTS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WAIVER

Recently, our department has received numerous complaints stating that there have been many suspects that did not understand their Miranda Rights that were read to them in the standard English text. We feel that this may be due to the language barrier between the use of English and the use of Ebonics. Effective immediately, suspects will be asked if they would prefer their rights read to them in English or Ebonics. For Ebonics, the rights and introduction, will be read as follows:
Yo, mutherfucker, 5-0 dun busted yo fucking ass fo (insert appropriate crime/s). Before we starts rappin, I needs to make sure we cool wit a few thangs.
1. If you don't wants to say shit, you ain't gots to say shit.
2. If you choose to open yo fucking mouth, any shit you says, the man gonna use to bust yo ass when you is on the bench.
3. You allowed to have a suit wit ya before we raps and on the bench. If you ain't gots the bread fo a suit, wee's gonna give ya one so's you gots him to tell the man yo side of the story and you aint got's to pay fo it.
4. If we starts rappin and you thinks 5-0 be dissin yo ass, 5-0 gots ta stop talkin.
5. We cool bro.
After you have advised the suspect of his rights, have them acknowledge it on the new ebonics suspect rights acknowledgement form attached.
THE CHIEF

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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve, and the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

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Subject: Here is an interesting alternat plan to old age care.
Sounds like a plan to me!!........
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, There is a better way when we get old & feeble.
I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.
The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will Call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue.
What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age, help me keep my grin; Just check my old rickety ass, into the nearest Holiday Inn !!!

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Hussein Family Tree:

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ....the restauranteur
Guday.......the half-Australian brother
Huray.......the sports fanatic
Bejay.......the gay brother
Kuntay/Kintay..the twins from the African mother
Sayhay......the baseball player
Ojay........the stalker / murderer
Gulay.......the singer / entertainer
Ebay........the internet czar
Biliray.....the country music star
Ecksray.....the radiologist
Puray.......the blender factory owner
Regay.......the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.......the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Lattay......the coffee shop owner
Bufay.......the 300 pound sister
Dushay......the clean sister
Phayray.....the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway....the grocery store owner
Ollay.......the half-mexican sister
More will no doubt be discovered.

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A woman walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it... you're going to shit when you hear the price!"

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Subject: Sexual harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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Subject: 2003 Football Scouting Report
Less than 2 months to Kick Off! I'm researching the draft so I'll gain the advantage in the football pools.....
The following scouting report is making the rounds of Division I football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
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Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19"TV under each arm.
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Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
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Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
***************
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school 's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.
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Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.
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Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion.. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
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Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.
It should be a great year for College Sport

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Q: How can you tell it's bedtime at Michael Jacksons house?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand!

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson!!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

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Two elderly WAL-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really, Like a new-born baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

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Subject: CALIFORNESE

The California Governor elect has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the Terminator's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Californese").

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments willenkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in thelanguag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trublor difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

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Happy Redneck

A big old redneck walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the bar man.
"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno....never found her head....."

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This is absolutely TRUE

For all those men who believe that there is no reason to "buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they have wised up to the fact that for 7 ounces of sausage, it is not worth buying the entire pig!

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Please Help This Charitable Foundation ...

Dear Friends and Relatives:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C.at the Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you.
Bill Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

Now let me get this straight............. . Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

God Bless America

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A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate'in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried...

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Joe Cap moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
Joe followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

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Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOOOO," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"

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Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

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A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn."

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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't...there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age."
"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

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What would you do?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first or, you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
The correct answer, however, is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

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Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

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At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Chretien and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis." replied Madame Aline Chretien.
A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.
Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglich dey pronounce dat word, 'Appiness.'"

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To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the "A". Then drag the "A" toward the "B". If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

A

Stop fucking around and go do something constructive

B

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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story, and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strangest sound.The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him.

The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward,the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound.

The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold, and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

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An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive ... "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem." replies the doct ; or. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked out."
A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.
"Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!"
It was terrible!"
"What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

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Subject: Got Peanut Butter?

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out Doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My penis is turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the penis is blue.
The doctor turns to the blonde wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she said.

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Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it, however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

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Subject: School Play Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"
Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words............ "My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!..and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.

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WHY I ALMOST GOT KICKED OUT OF MED SCHOOL

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Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.

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