WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #33!
This Page created on February 22, 2004!
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13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And finally...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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THE HORMONE WARNING:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his
mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
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DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
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DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
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DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
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DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Eagles, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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From the funny observations of George Carlin.....
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in the swimming pool?
3. OK .. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the Liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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Illegal Immigrants Poem
I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.
They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby -- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
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Sent: Friday, February 22, 2004 2:44 PM
Subject: New Law
I don't know if you've heard, but starting Jan 1, 2004 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. I'm selling them for only $1.00. I tried them out on Erickson, Motorola, Nokia phones and they worked perfectly.
A photo is attached (or scroll down). Take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know who may want one!
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A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny DiGiusto from New York. "I'm not going to hire any wise-ass New Yorker", the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
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A FEW IRISH JOKES
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters.
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It's back in the 1800's and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot.
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The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask
his secretary for some mathematical help.
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BUFORD'S GOT THE SHINGLES.
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
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Subject: BROOKLYN TONY
A Brooklyn teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left."
Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU."
Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
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Subject: : Why Do Men....
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
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Five tips for a woman....
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Subject: Marriage
Man: "Lookit dem homo-sekshuls a ruahnin the sanctity of r institution! We oughta go to San Francisco jus ta show dem liberals dat marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin?"
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
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This guy was lonely and depressed so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. The man went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy a unique and unusual animal to be a companion. After some discussion, the owner brought out a little white box that he said contained a talking centipede. The man, although skeptical, took the box back home, found a good location for his purchase, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me and have a beer?" The man waited but there was no answer from his pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes thinking his new pet might be shy, and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But once again, there was no answer. The man was starting to feel ripped off so after a few more minutes he tried again. Only this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar and have a drink with me?" Finally, a little voice came out of the box, "Jesus Christ man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes."
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Two blondes are walking down the street when one says to the other "Oh my god, look at that dog with one eye!" The other immediately covers one eye and asks "Where is it?"
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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
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A woman got a phone call from a telemarketer asking her if she'd participate in a survey. She agreed, so the telemarketer preceded with the questions. "What's your opinion on condoms," asked the gentleman on the phone.
She answered, "It all depends on what's in it for me."
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Q - What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
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A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
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A man was sitting around a bar telling his buddys about his trip sky diving.
"When the plane got to 3200 ft the instructor started to send us out. I was the last to go, when I went to jump the instructor stoped me and said. 'The parachute that you have is all cut and won't work. I have one that is good and you can have it if you bend over and let me have my way with you. Or you can just go ahead and jump with the one you have.'"
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One day, there's a man and his wife driving along a road. Suddenly out of nowhere, a freak cyclone sweeps through, overturning the car and ripping off both the man and woman's clothes. The Cyclone passes as quickly as it came, and the man finds himself trapped underneath the overturned car. He shouts at his wife to get help, who responds by telling him that she is wearing no clothes. "Put my shoes over your crotch!" he shouts "and go and get me help". She obliges, putting his shoes over her crotch, and flags down the next passing car. The driver gets out. "Help, help, it's my husband!" shouts the woman, to which the driver says, "Well if he's that far up, he's got no bloody chance!"
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Q - What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
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Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drinkon St. Patty's day is driving home. Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
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A young newlywed elementary school teacher was trying to get her class to remember her new, married name, as they were constantly calling her by her maiden name. She drew a picture of a cat on the blackboard and addressed the class by saying,
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One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
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The only cow in a small town in Illinois stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Wisconsin for $200.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were very pleased. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
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A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.
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After the Super Bowl was over...............
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A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" he asked.
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
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An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail. So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms.
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.
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Quickies:
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
How can you piss off your wife while making love?
What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
What's the down side to a threesome?
Why are hurricanes named after women?
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New Exercise Program
NOW SCROLL DOWN...
That's enough for the first day!
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
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Amy, a blonde and a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he
goes out to the fields the farmer says to her, "The veterinarian is
coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the
two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"
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A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
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Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
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Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
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The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
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"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"Fair enough," says the Boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a shit on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd which makes one hunnert. ....... Bada boom, bada bing. .......... When do I freakin' start?"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
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"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, 'my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives..."
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, " It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, " Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too.
A China man walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I wont need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies."
The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere. He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells,
.........."Supplies!"
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles".
The doctor asked, "Where"?
Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said 6,'" replies Tony.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!" replies Tony.
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
(they don't have enough time)
(they don't stop to ask directions)
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
(don't know...... it never happened)
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Somewhere in Alabama:
A half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with the man's arm around his woman.
Woman: "Dat's right, Daddy."
He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor, " God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with great lakes, mountains, and even a part of the ocean as it border and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "that's the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore!"
God replied wisely,......................."Wait until you see the assholes I'm sending down there from New York and Pennsylvania every summer!!!
"Twenty dollars...," she says.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide into the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A - A Roamin' Catholic.
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"
One of his buddys at the bar asked. "Well, did you jump?"
And the man replyed, "Yeah, a little at first."
A - Make me one with everything.
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"Class, I've got an easy way to remember my new name . It sounds like pussy cat, but the second letter is an "R", so you say it Prussy. It's very simple."
The next day she asked her students if they remembered her new name. They all looked confused as they tried to think of how she told them to remember, until little Charlie's face brightened up and his hand shot into the air.
Relieved, she called, "Yes, Charlie?"
Smiling smugly at his classmates' failure, and his own genius, he proudly pronounced her name as,"Mrs. Crunt!"
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later.
The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
George W. Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game.
Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.
Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied, "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."
"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"
"No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that,"he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he gets for Joe."
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
"Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get
an erection either.
"We sure do," says the man. "Would you like to buy some?"
"Not really," says the woman. "But do you mind if I wait here to somebody does?"
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and
then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That
is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude."
Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an
elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a call girl?".
"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."
You can drop her off anywhere.
Outlaws are wanted.
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
It isn't hard.
Call her from your cellphone.
His last name.
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
I LOVE it....
Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
NOW SCROLL UP...
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me"
He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later the veterinarian
arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of identical cows until she
sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"
Terribly impressed, the vet asks, "How did you know this is the cow to
be bred?"
"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.
Then the vet asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.
The man grabs the doc's arm, " No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest and strongest puppy from the litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars 5 " thick and nobody could get near.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves."
"That's nothing", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." 
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month."
So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter.
The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who's it is?"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence.. what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."
THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
