WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #34!
This Page created on June 2, 2004!
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SCRABBLE
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!
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NEWSFLASH
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery; she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke, already?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
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The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upward and downward motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.
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The following are all replies that Dallas, TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
These are (allegedly) genuine excerpts from the forms.
Scary to think these women are breeding.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart...
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Subject: Cute funnies
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Fixin' To Lose A Trailer
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A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me"
He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
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The Blonde Jokes just keep coming . . .
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the winter,"
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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
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Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray
glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees
everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has
their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked!
"Cool!"
As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her husband, but
can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her husband and the young
woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the glasses off, and the two are
still naked. She put them back on, and they are still naked. Bambi then says:
"Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your
finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get
my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for
over four hours.
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in
disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the
blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "but I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."
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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the
clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."
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Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide.
Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob.
Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside.
What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
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This little girl and her mother are sitting on an airplane waiting to take off.
The girl asks her mother, “Mommy, do little puppies come from big dogs?”
“Yes, they do,” says the mother.
“Do little kitties come from big cats?”
“Yeah,” says mom.
“Well, do little planes come from big planes?”
“Maybe you should go ask that stewardess,” mom says.
The little girl asks the stewardess about cats and dogs and then asks her “Do little planes come from bigger planes?”
The stewardess kinda smiles and says “No, dear, not at this airline. We always pull out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.”
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Not A Joke But Well Worth Posting
One of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also.
But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock.
The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."
The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.
A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out
the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."
Everyone within hearing distance cheered.
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital when, during
her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"
The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry. But this
man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If
he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within
minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible!" commented the woman.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing
oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed "Oh my god! How
can that be justified?"
The doctor replied . . . "Same illness, better health plan."
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself.
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Little Old Man
A little old man shuffled.....slowly into an ice cream parlour.... pulled himself slowly, painfully ... up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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I Lost My Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"
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THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....
A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......
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Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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Bumper Sticker Ideas for the GOP for 2004:
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Resistance is Futile.
Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
BU__SH__!
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Don't Change Tyrants in Midstream
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Don't think. Vote Bush!
Vote Bush: Remember, Ashcroft is watching
Bush/Cheney '04: It's simply God's Will
Vote Bush in '04 Or the Supreme Court will
Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"
Vote Bush in '04: Accept dictatorship or the terrorists will have won.
Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
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Subject: Osama's Eternity
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe
looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole
country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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The Rat Race Explained
oat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to
catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish
you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and
maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Fifteen, perhaps twenty years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stock and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend
your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
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1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America?
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?
11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.
12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?
13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....... and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
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Drunken Old Lady
Two police officers driving down a dark street noticed an older lady staggering along the sidewalk. Seeing she had far too much to drink, they decided to take her home, rather than to the station.
She got in the back seat with one of the officers, and they asked that she tell them when they get to her house.
After slowly driving for a while she puts her hand on the arm of the officer in the back, and says "you're passionate." He pulls his arm away.
The driver goes around the block and again she puts her hand on the officer's arm and says"You're Passionate."
This goes on several times, until they pull over to the curb.
" Ma'am, are going to tell us where you live?"
"I've alweady toll you sevril times whur I live, but as soon as ah says 'you're passin it', you keep goin.'"
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One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
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Subject: Marketing
Viagra
The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The Top Ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1. This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs.
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Subject: W. Va Quarter Recall !!
Here's an important piece of info for all of you coin collectors out there;
Subject: FW: Recall Notice
West Virginia Quarter .....
WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of West Virginia quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the West Virginia quarter," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
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Top Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks..God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America ...now speak English
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This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store...
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his
wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: On the first day of April last year, will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He yelled, "April Fool!" and that's when I shot the son of a bitch!!!
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The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
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Q: What is an innuendo?
A: An Italian suppository!
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A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the
point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ended, and again, the young man smiled, and again he asked, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him, and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman was going to outlast him, the young man reached for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they climaxed simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man fell onto his back, gasping. arely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly, and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispered in his ear, "No! I'm Norwegian."
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SOME COOL DEFINITIONS
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
