WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #36!
This Page created on July 2, 2005!
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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the
candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your wife's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE..........................
"Arnaldo... "if you broke that driver you are so fired"
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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.Short line, just one guy in front of me.
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen, and today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!"
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REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some
southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop
and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with
them.
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The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Now I know why there are more horses' asses then there are horses...
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Disorder in the Courts of America
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he live d with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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IMMIGRATION TEST
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through immigration. The officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the U.S.
Pedro said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said" Mister Officer, I am ready."
The officer said "Go ahead."
Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say Yellow, this is Pedro."
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.
Have a nice day!
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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?
It's called, Sosuemi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the Paper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New
Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that
to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork
to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"
Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around"
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30
and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 65 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
produccion es $80.
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Don't be Late!
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation
and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so
the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never
be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but
when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place.
"The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had
stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer.
"Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
"I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of
understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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Subject: Story about a popular young Rabbi
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation an d applauds.
Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi.'"
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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
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Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor
I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
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Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
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Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
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Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
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Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
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Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
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Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
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Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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Rivka goes to the new shopping centre in Brooklyn. It's unique Because
it's only for Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands. Potential
husbands are the only goods on display. This is why Rivkah is there.
When she enters the building, there is a large sign, which explains: -
THE BROOKLYN JWSC This JWSC centre is laid out over 5 floors The men
here have increasingly better attributes the higher up you go. The rules
for entry are simple --- you are only allowed in once. Once you open the
door to a floor, you must choose a man from that floor If you go up a
floor, you can't go back down except to leave the Centre completely.
Once you leave, you cannot return at any time forever. BEST OF LUCK
Rivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on the door says Floor 1: "All
the men here have jobs, love children and are certainly not lazy".
Rivkah thought, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving
children, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes to the Next floor.
The sign says Floor 2: "All the men on this floor have executive jobs,
love children, Are certainly not lazy and are extremely good looking".
"That's better," thought Rivkah, "but I wonder what's further upstairs?"
Up she goes.
The sign says Floor 3: "All the men on this floor have executive jobs,
love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help
with the Housework and are not strictly orthodox". "Wow," thought
Rivkah, "almost perfect and very tempting. But I've come this far and
there's more further up!"
And so again, up she goes.
The sign says Floor 4: "All the men on this floor have executive jobs,
love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help
with the housework, are not strictly orthodox, are very romantic and
know how to Satisfy their partner".
"Oy vay, wonderful" she said aloud, "but just think what could be
waiting for me upstairs" So up to the fifth and top floor she goes.
The sign here says Floor 5:
"This floor is just to prove that Jewish women are impossible to
please". Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day".
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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.
I decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful.
So I picked up the card and I dialed the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.
I said: "Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound.?
She says, "That sounds fantastic...
But for an outside line you press 9."
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How to pass an immigration test in the United States...
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one
more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America.
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
....Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works for Verizon in
their Customer Service Department.
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Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
Moishe turns his face up to heaven again and says, "Never mind, I just found one."
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This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown.When just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town/ Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other. "Look Bubba, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."
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Two fellows from Kentucky were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
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President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".
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Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, "What's wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled."
Afar: In a state of combustion. "Call the far department. That house is afar."
Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. "They should've been here about an ahr ago."
Ar: Possessive pronoun. "That's AR dawg, not yours."
Arn: Combined with the word "shoot'n" to mean raffle (rifle or firearm) Scroll down. "Patsy Mae, go over yonder 'n git mah shootn arn off the far place."
Ary: Not any. "He hadn't got ary a cent."
Awfullest: The worst. "That's the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life."
Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. "All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I've about decided not to vote for any of 'em."
Baws: Your employer. "The baws may not always be right, but he's always the baws."
Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. "You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it."
Braht: Dazzling. "Venus is a braht planet."
Bud: Small feathered crature that flies. "A robin sure is a pretty bud."
Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective "lawst" (lost). "The War Between the States was a lawst cawse."
Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. "Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed."
Chunk: To throw. "Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk 'at ball, can't he? Best pitcher we ever had."
Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. "what's that clone you got on, honey?"
Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. "Jim's a fine boy, but she won't have nothin' to do with him. She's just contrary, is all Ah can figure."
Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. "You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?"
Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm's way."
Dawg: Man's best friend. "Dat durn dawg been a'layin' under duh stoop all dang day."
Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O'Hara, "Frankly, my deah, Ah don't give a damn."
Didn't go to: Did not intend to. "Don't whip Billy for knockin' his little sister down. He didn't go to do it."
Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) "Dollin, will you marry me?"
Dreckly: Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."
Effuts: Exertions. "Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant."
Everthang: All-encompassing. "everthang's all messed up."
Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction of whoever."Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."
Fahn: Excellent. "That sure is a fahn-lookin' woman."
Far: Source of heat or light. "Patsy Mae, it's durn cold in y'here. Yew gonna go build a far in duh far place?"
Farn: Anything that is not domestic. "Ah don't drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka."
Fetchin': Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."
Fixin' to: About to. "I'm fixin' to go to the store."
Foolin' around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. "Sue caught her husband foolin' around, so she divorced him."
Fummeer: A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"
Gawn: Departed. "Bo's not here. He's gawn out with somebody else."
Gone: Going to. "You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too."
Got a good notion: A statement of intent. "Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and wail the dickens out of that boy."
Grain of sense: An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. "That boy ain't got a grain of sense."
Gummint: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. "Bill's got it made. He's got a gummint job."
Hahr: That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. "You need a hahrcut."
Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child's head. "That boy's so hod-headed it's pitiful."
Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. "That gull (girl) has just broke his hot."
Hush yo' mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. "Honey, you're 'bout the sweetest, best-lookin' woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo' mouth, Jim Bob."
Ignert: Ignorant. "Ah've figgered out what's wrong with Congress. Most of 'em are just plain ignert."
Ill: Angry, testy. "What's wrong with Molly today? She's ill as a hornet."
Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. "Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a great personality."
Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. "He's just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone."
Jewanna: Do you want. "Jewanna go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?"
Kay-un: A sealed cylinder containing food. "If that woman didn't have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death."
Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone's ability to accomplish something. "He ain't got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on."
Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. "Are you kin to him?" "Yeah, He's my brother."
Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. "Ah don't think you'll ever klect that bill."
Laht: A source of illumination. "This room's too doc (dark). We need more laht in here."
Lar: One who tells untruths. "Not all fishermen are lars. It's just that a lot of lars fish."
Layin' up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. "Cecil didn't go to work today 'cause of a chronic case of laziness. He's been layin' up in the house all day, drivin' me crazy."
Let alone: Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."
Let out: Dismissed. "What time does school let out?"
Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. "We don't have time to clean this house so it's spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise."
Mahty raht: Correct. "You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin' a little bit."
Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. "You chirren (Children) hadn't had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper."
Mask: Polite introduction to a question. "Mask yew wut cher doin wif mah wife in mah bayd?"
Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. "Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while."
Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it's not South, it's Nawth. "People from up Nawth sure do talk funny."
Nekkid: To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird."
Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. "It don't make no nemmine to me."
Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."
Ownliest: The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."
Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. "See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts."
PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. "Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah'm gonna make us a pie."
Pert: Perky, full of energy. "You look mighty pert today."
Pick at: To pester and annoy. "Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister."
Purtiest: The most pretty. "ain't she the purtiest thing you ever seen?"
Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. "Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director."
Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm (far arn). "Dan'l Boone was a good shot with a raffle."
Rahtnaow: At once. "Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it's time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow."
Ranch: A tool used to lossen or tighten nuts and bolts. "Hand me that ranch, Homer."
Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with "kraut". Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce "route" to rhyme with "root". Or worse still, "foot."
Restrunt: A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."
Retard: No longer employed. "He's retard now."
Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. "Don't sass me, young lady. You're not too old to get a whuppin'."
Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."
Shudenoughta: Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink."
Spell: An indetermined length of time. "Let's sit here and rest a spell."
Stain: The opposite of leaving. "Ah hate this party, and Ah'm not stain much longer."
Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. "What's for supper, honey?
Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He ain't the only man in Lee County."
Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. "Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?"
Tawt: To instruct. "Don't pull that cat's tail. Ah tawt you better'n that."
Thank: Think. "Ah thank Ah'll go to a movie tonight."
That ole dawg won't hunt no more: That will not work. "You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won't hunt no more."
Tore up: Distraught, very upset. "His wife just left him, and he's all tore up about it."
Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. "Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin' to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address a group as 'y'all' when any Southern six-year-old knows 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' means 'all of you.'"
Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. "Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards."
Usta: Used to. "Ah usta live in Savanah."
Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. "Ah don't like this ham vaymuch."
Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you're Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. "Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?"
Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. "They're puttin' telephone wars underground now."
Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. "Why don't we take an old-fashioned wawk?"
Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. "When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah'm gonna wear him out."
Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."
Whir: Where. "Whir yat?"
Yat: A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying "hey" in lieu of "hello" the way most Southerners do, they say, "Whir yat?"
Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. "Yew wanna shoot some pool?"
Y'heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. "Y'all come back soon, y'heah?"
Yontny: Do you want any. "Yontny more cornbread?"
Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. "Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes."
Zit: Is it. "Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you're having fun."
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An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
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"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other
and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if'n you want to borry one, or
maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad,
it's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that",
he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
