WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #4!
This Page created on July 28, 1997!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 4
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The Top 15 Things Overheard in Roswell, NM, This Week
15, "Man, I coulda saved NASA a heap o' money. I done been to Mars and it ain't nuthin' but a buncha rocks."
14. "Isn't that Larry King down on one knee with that alien?"
13. "Alright, everyone, listen up: Heaven's Gate cult freaks in this line, drunk rednecks in this line, and X-Philes and Trekkies over there."
12. "Fifteen bucks to view an alien colostomy bag?"
11. "False alarm, everyone, calm down! And you two, put that Frisbee away, for cryin' out loud!"
10. "Better get another case of aluminum foil and some more wire -- these Genuine Alien Artifacts is sellin' like hotcakes!"
9. "What they *also* won't tell you is that one of them Kennedy boys was a-drivin' when they crashed."
8. "Hey, Dude, when does Garcia start playing?"
7. "They're *not* dead! I'm telling you... Kurault was driving, Sagan held me down and Cousteau worked the probe!"
6. "...And when the alien returned our son to us, he left us this lone sequined glove."
5. "So then they took me onto their ship and probed me. And like a fool, I believed it was 'special' and they would 'call me.' Aliens are scum, Marge -- When am I gonna learn?"
4. "...and I hear they's the ones what gave us Cheeze Whiz."
3. "Programs, getcher programs here! Can't tell the cover-ups without a program!"
2. "Hey, Eunice, pass me the Sterno."
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in Roswell, NM, This Week...
1. "Hey there, Sweetness. How'dya like a close encounter of the Earl kind?"
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A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for awhile. He's playing cards with you."
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The Queen and Princess Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rover. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
"Give us the money", they shout at the Queen. "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money." "Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. "Give us yer jewels." "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state ocassions." The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least", and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. "What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded." "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have." Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelery, my dear." The Queen says to Di. "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di..."You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover."
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A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
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A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark"every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
10. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't geeks!!! Now, Cats, on the other hand..
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellME still in beta test
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms...
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
1. TrO {gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,...**
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Two guys are out walking their dogs together. One has a Doberman Pincher, the other has a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says "Let's go over to that bar and get a quick beer and bite to eat." The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there, we've got the dogs with us!" Doberman guy says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the pub, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and starts to walk in. Bartender: "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." Guy with Doberman: "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog." Bartender: "A Doberman Pincher?" Guy with Doberman: "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." Bartender: "Well, okay, come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The Bartender immediately stops him and says "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." Guy with Chihauhau: "But this is my seeing-eye dog." Bartender: "A Chihauhau?" Guy with Chihauhau: "You mean they gave me a Chihauhau?"
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Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says... "You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
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1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
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"Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun."
"Illiterate? Write for free help."
"Visualize whirled peas."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"My Kid Can Beat up your Honors Student!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Forget about World Peace; visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY
Quit Sniveling.
Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
Black Holes Suck.
Dyslexics Untie!!
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WOMEN'S VERSION
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
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MEN'S VERSION
Man2: Haircut?
>>Man1: Yeah.
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The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
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Princess Di and Dolly Parton died at the same time....and they both arrived at the Pearly gates at the same time also....St. Peter looked at both of them and said "sorry gals, we only have room for one more rich and famous person, we are all full up in that department, but I tell ya what I'll do. You two have to come up with something to imress me and the winner will get to go in....does that sound fair." They both agreed.....After a very short time Dolly said " I know" and lifted her shirt exposing two of the most perfect breast St. Peter had every seen. St. Peter looked very impressed and Princess Di began to worry a little. Then all of the sudden Di dropped her pants and began to douche.....Dolly got a big smile...she knew she was going to heaven.....just then St. peter said " Welcome to heaven Di" Dolly was astounded....."wwwhat" she stammered.. I showed you my breast, all she did was douche, why does she get to go. '"Well" said St. Peter "A royal Flush beats a full pair anyday"
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Three men stood on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded by guillotine; a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The priest was taken to the block first and when asked whether he wanted to face up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order to see God when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face up as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the blade stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
The lawyer was then led to the block and asked the same question. He said he wanted to face down to see where he was going when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face down and the huge blade was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
When the architect/engineer was led to the block and asked which way he wanted to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was placed on the block with his face up looking at the blade and scaffolding holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he turned his head toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I see what the problem is".
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Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!" The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!"
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A Canadian Lumber Camp advertises for a Lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack."Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
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"You know what I hate? Indian givers ... no, I take that back." Emo Philips
"Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it. So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking thief, or I just dreamed it, and he said I just dreamed it. Whew, that was close." Jack Handey
"I lost my parents at the beach when I was a kid. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said, 'I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide.' " Rodney Dangerfield
"I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whooa, I'm way too high!' " Bruce Baum
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing. 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" Rita Rudner
"My girlfriend says I never listen to her. I think that's what she said." Drake Sather
"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...well, to make a long story short ..." Steven Wright
"My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'Just wait.' " Judy Tenuta
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As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of required warnings appears below.
--Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
--Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
--Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
--Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
--Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
--Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
--Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
--This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
--Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
--Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
--Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
--New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected.
--Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
--Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
--Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
--Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them jpersonal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel Services...."
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood."
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or" "Thats fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone thats a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, Then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
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Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
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Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Q. Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?
A. When they turn the age of 18, they scratch off the dots to see if they get a gasoline station or a 7-11.
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving in India?
A. By roasting an American....
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1) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
7) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized"
8) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
9) A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
10) A friend came up with a very quick response over vacation... We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
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It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
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There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room. One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing.
"When we get downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm going to say 'hell,' and you can say 'ass.'" The four-year-old agreed.
They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do you want for breakfast?"
"Aw, hell," the seven-year-old replied, "I'll just take some Cheerios." The mother slapped him and sent him to his room.
At this point, the four-year-old was getting slightly intimidated. "And what do YOU want?" the mother asked.
"I dunno," the younger one said, "but you can bet your ass it's not going to be Cheerios!"
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After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa ask, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replys, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken". "No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
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A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," he continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
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A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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Source: Alien Marketing
Alien Abduction Kit Verifies Close Encounters
MIAMI, July 22 /PRNewswire/ -- The following was released today by Alien Marketing:
Now everyone can document their alien encounters thanks to the Air Force- approved, Home Alien Abduction Verification Kit (HAA). The kit comes complete with everything an abductee needs to prove an other-worldly abduction including an official poster and/or video of the alien encounter, and a certificate of authenticity. There are also three newspaper articles from respected U.S. dailies detailing the abduction and a latex glove used in the actual alien physical examination of the abductee.
HAA includes a choice of personalized photos and/or videos authenticating the encounter:
* Abductee and aliens splitting a six-pack of Miller Lite
* The classic, ``Aliens Playing Cards'' (with abductee)
* The abductee and his alien abductors sitting around a campfire singing, "Kumbayah"
The arduously intimate physical examination of the abductee aboard the alien vessel. A visual so realistic you on almost hear the alien say, ``Cough.''
Or, an abductee can send a photo of him/herself and HAA will ``fill in the abduction blanks'' with aliens and spacecraft.
As a bonus, HAA also is including an audio tape capturing the encounter:
ABDUCTEE: This is Bill Smith here with my captors. Say hello to my friends.
ALIEN: He-ll-ooo.
ABDUCTEE: Well guys, now do you believe me?
``All we've ever asked for was reliable, authenticatable proof,'' said one Air Force official who refused to give his name. ``The HAA kit meets all of our criteria for documenting a bona fide encounter.''
HAA is manufactured by Alien Marketing, a company based in Miami, Florida, home to more aliens than any place on earth.
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SITTING IN MY HOUSE AND I KNOW THAT I'M ALONA,
FEELING KINDA HORNY, GOT A JINGLE IN MY BONA,
GO AND GRAB A PENTHOUSE ITS THE ONE WITH SHARON STONA,
HEY MASTURBATA
I GO A LITTLE FASTER AND ITS FEELING KIND OF NICEA,
ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH SO I HAVE TO DO IT TWICEA,
IF YOU WANNA SPANK THE MONKEY I CAN GIVE YOU GOOD ADVICEA,
HEY MASTURBATA
I USE SOME BABY OIL OR A LITTLE VASELINA,
LAYING DOWN A TOWEL SO I KEEP MY CARPET CLEANA,
NEVER SHAKE MY HAND COS YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE ITS BEENA,
HEY MASTURBATA
I DO IT IN THE CAR WHEN I'M DRIVING DOWN THE STREETA,
ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL AND THE OTHER ON MY MEATA,
I CAN'T GET OUT THE CAR COS I'M STICKING TO THE SEATA,
HEY MASTURBATA
SINCE I WAS A KID I HAVE A MASTUBATER,
CHOKE THE CHICKEN, HUM THE KNOB, SQUEEZING THE TOMATA,
I'VE LOOKED AT MISS NOVEMBER, NOW I'M GONNA DECORATA,
HEY MASTURBATA!
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10. Have you looked through her briefs.
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law, but isn't is...
1. Think you can get me off?
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The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions." "Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured. "Very astute," the doctor complimented, becoming even more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her. "And do you understand what I am doing now?" "Let me guess," the patient responded, "You're contracting herpes?"
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15> "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
14> "Responding to the liberal media's biased coverage, these fine young members of the Republican House Caucus are standing behind me to show their full support for my continued Speakership." - Newt Gingrich
13> "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader
12> "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk
11> "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
10> "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."
9> "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer
8> "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley
7> "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect
6> "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
5> "Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
4> "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek
3> "Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"
2> "Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"
and the Number 1 Famous Last Words...
1> "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"
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Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax,jiffylube, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
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Redneck rules: When approaching a four-way stop, the truck with the biggest tires has the right of way.
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" --Lily Tomlin
Good graffiti: No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
It's a fact: The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Say what? Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Anagramatic: Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Working definition: Jitterati: Employees in office with 200-proof coffee.
CompuSpeak: Friends don't let friends drink and delete.
Working definition: Cube farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Observation: Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
TouristSpeak: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Better bumper sticker: Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
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Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.
Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll Schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions, which need to be collated.
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Baywatch Barbie: The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
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I tried it and works........ but only if I use the # of times/week I would want to have sex with my wife! When I thought about how many times/week I might want to couple with e.g., Amy Irving, it doesn't work out. I take that as direct evidence that the God of the mathematical universe (as well as my wife) dictate that I remain profoundly monogamous all the days of my life. The other possible interpretation is that Amy Irving would have me only in some other universe with fundamentally different mathematical laws. These two hypotheses are not, of course, mutually exclusive.
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You MUST try this!
(For those of you who are not mathematically inclined, you might need a calculator)
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number, the first digit of which was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!!!
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
