WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #6!
This Page created on August 31, 1997!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 6
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A elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much, they still don't make any noise but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing."
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"The Sixth Sense - The Sense of Humor"
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A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
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One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper my boy, that's all you need.." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"
Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
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At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.--Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
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One night in a sleepy town the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and departments from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to the engine company that brings out the company's secret files. In the distance a long siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight. The fire chief realizes that is that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before. Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so estatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looks him tight in the eye..."First thing we do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
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Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Judaism - you can play with your toys but you have wait until next year..... in Jerusalem.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, since his/her hands are already in the air.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. . .God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 10, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists . Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually change the bulb and nine to say how much better they liked the old one.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb, however if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number or light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???
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I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb
guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door . . . if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single
- Lizz Winstead
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Clarendon, TX. Illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Borger, TX. Illegal to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Portland, ME. Illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster.
Georgia Misdemeanor for men to attend church unless equipped with a loaded rifle.
Pennsylvania Illegal to discharge a gun, revolver or cannon at a wedding.
Racine, WS. Illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
Fort Madison, Fire Department is required to practice fire-fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. (Note: At the Humour Department, we have a similar rule - we also practice fire fighting techniques ;)
Chicago Illegal to dine in a burning building.
San Francisco Unleashed elephants banned from Market Street.
Hartford, CT. Illegal to educate canines.
Paulding, OH. Policemen are authorized to bite a dog in order to quiet him.
Tennessee Illegal to shoot at any game other than whales from a moving vehicle.
Only in America... *sigh*
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In Modesto, CA Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately failed to keep his hand in his pocket...
The Police Chief in Gold Hill, Oregon was fired this week after praying for a suspect she believed was possessed by the devil, and selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her patrol car...
Five hundred virgins marched on the White House this month, promoting celibacy and urging passing motorists to "honk for purity". Renate Verstraeten, a 17-year-old girl from the Netherlands, explained. "All over the world, virginity is something that is considered stupid. I'm a virgin."... remember kids, when it comes to abstinence, just say "no"...
Diet tip of the week: Don't eat squirrel brains. The Lancet Medical Journal reports a link between human consumption of squirrel brains and a variant of Mad Cow disease... I guess they just expect me to starve...
Another day, another Elvis sighting. Officials at Ripley's Believe it or Not! Museum in Los Angeles reported that a pair of the King's "special briefs", valued at $1300, disappeared on August 17, the 20th anniversary of his death. A museum spokesman characterized the thief as "choosy", because "a pair of Madonna's panties were untouched"... now that IS a first...
A tourist at North Carolina beach died after the 8 foot hole he had dug in the sand collapsed on top of him. Daniel Jones was sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of the hole when the walls caved in... remind me again how we got to be the dominant species...
Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed"... America, land of the free, home of the rectal patdown...
Officials in Sweden are under public pressure to tell the truth about a government program of involuntary sterilizations. According to newspaper reports, as many as 60,000 "genetically inferior" people were sterilized in Sweden between 1935 and 1976... so that's how they get all those blue-eyed blondes...
When Rae Bernard turned in his lottery ticket at a deli in Arlington, Virginia, the store owner took the ticket and told Bernard he had "won a free play". A few days later, Bernard realized he'd won more than that-- $6.8 million more. The deli owner is facing 20 years in prison...
At $2 billion, the B-2 Stealth bomber is the most advanced aircraft in the world. Just don't get it wet. According to recent Air Force tests, the B-2 loses much of its ability to evade radar detection when exposed to such "severe climatic conditions" as water and humidity... hey, whaddya want for 2 billion?...
Our Mail-order Product of the Week Award goes to the Right to Die Society of Canada, which is offering a do it yourself home suicide kit. For $40, they will deliver your "Exit Bag" kit, which includes a "sturdy clear plastic sack the size of a garbage bag, a soft elastic neckband and Velcro fasteners to ensure a snug fit", and detailed instructions for use... hey, if you really need detailed instructions, I'll loan you the 40 bucks...
J.Z. Knight, a "psychic channel" for a 30,000 year old spirit named Ramtha, has successfully sued a Berlin woman in the Austrian Supreme Court for channeling the same spirit, and leaving Knight in "spiritual limbo"...
Postmaster General Marvin Runyon said Monday the U.S. Postal Service "may earn another billion dollars in net income this year," making 1997 the third straight year for such profits... the only problem is that the check is in the mail...
Police in Alexandria, Egypt have arrested a head nurse who said she just "wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet during her working hours." Aida Nur Eddin is charged with killing at least 18 hospital patients with sleeping pills...
A man in Hoover, Alabama is suing a McDonald's restaurant after claiming that he found a condom in his Big Mac. Jeff Bolling says he became violently ill when he realized that the extra-chewy part wasn't a pickle...
It took a court order from a federal judge, but Bad Frog Beer has finally been outlawed in New York State. The state Liquor Authority apparently objects to the label, which depicts a frog making an obscene hand gesture, along with the slogan "Flip the Bird, Get a Frog." According to Attorney General Dennis Vacco, "Children and their parents in grocery stores should not be subjected to an obscene frog giving them the finger"...
Authorities in Canada are warning of "dangerous fake cigars" being sold across the border to U.S. citizens. The counterfeit Cuban cigars mean big bucks for smugglers, but according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, some of the fake stogies are "padded" with poisonous banana leaves, floor sweepings from Cuban cigar factories, and human hair...
Hey, gimme a Bad Frog Beer and a human hair cigar, and I'm good for the night...
That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...
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1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your buttvcheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down yourv"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
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The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be or not to be -Shakespere
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
* Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of Congress?
* Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
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The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart ass student pipes up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
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A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams
There is no accounting for tastes, as the woman said when somebody told her that her husband was wanted by the police. Franklin P. Adams.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. Konrad Adenauer
A house is not a home. Polly Adler. (American madam)
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Fred Allen
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman
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A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty
much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on the task. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it was really quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
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.. Wants & Needs (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.
2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
3. Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get turned on.
9. Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing the TV channel from one to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 & 1/2 minutes.
11. Taste (tayst) n. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking to make sure it's good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
12. Thingie (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under the hood of a car.
Male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
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A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?" "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies. "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues. Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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It is 2:00 in the morning, and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?...How the hell do I know? What am I the weather man?", promptly slamming the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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A fellow was walking along the beach and he saw an interesting looking old bottle. Thinking there might be a note in it, he picked it up and took the lid off. Wow, a genie came out of the bottle, but he was all bent up and creaking, and complaining about how many thousands of years he'd been stuck in that bottle. Finally he said he was just too out of shape to give three wishes, but he'd give the man one wish.
"Great, wonderful. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly. But I love to drive. I want you to build me a highway to Hawaii."
"Hey, give me a break man. That's hard, and I told you I'm not in very good shape. Give me an easy one," said the genie.
"Well, okay," said the man. "I want you to explain to me how women think."
... ... "You want two lanes, or four?"
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A guy is sitting in his apartment when he looks out the window and sees a gorilla in the tree. He calls the police. When the policeman arrives, he gets out of his car with a stick, handcuffs, a gun and a dog. The guy tells the policeman that it's a gorilla in the tree, and he is probably going to need more than a stick, handcuffs, a gun and a dog. The policeman says not to worry, he has dealt with this problem before. The policeman hands the gun to the guy. The policeman says, "Now, I'll climb up the tree, poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will grab him by the balls and I'll come down and handcuff him." The guy asks, "Why am I holding a gun?" to which the policeman replies, "Well, sometimes the gorilla pushes me out of the tree, and if that happens, you shoot the damn dog!"
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There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."
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Once there was a King who had a beautiful daughter, who would not get married. So the King devised a plan. First he gather all the unmarried men of the Kingdom together. Then he got them all in a field and made a decree.
"All of you will fight from noon untill dusk who ever is left standing at the end of the battle gets to marry the princess."
So all the men began to fight, it was brutal almost every one was killed. Finally when dusk arrived, but 3 men still stood, a monk, a knight, and the Royal Fool. The king thought up another challenge, he wanted the most loyal one to marry his daughter so he came up with a disgusting task.
"Any of you who will make love to my prize hog gets to marry the Princess."
The Monk was agast. "Such a thing goes against God!" he said.
The Knight was disgusted. "That's worst thing I ever heard of! I won't do it!" he said.
The Fool said "Sure why not." The Fool then had sex with the hog.
Afterwards, the King said, "You now get to Marry the Princess."
The Fool said, "Forget the Princess. I want the hog!"
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The things a woman would never say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I am tired of just being friends...
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, It is easier for me to douche that way....
8. I think hairy butts are very sexy....
7. HEY, get a wiff of that one....
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just to cute....
5. This Diamond is WAY to big......
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless i get to swallow.....
3. WOW...is it really 14 inches......
2. Does this make my butt look to small.......
1. I'm wrong , you must be RIGHT again......
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A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."
At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
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Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
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President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
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A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?" "Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered." This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?" "Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered." Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive." "Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.
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A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?". The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back". The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, day come a together. I come again. Two asses, day come a together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once a more."
This was too much for the lady. "You foul-mouthed swine!", she blurted out indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!!"
"Hey lady, calm a down", said the man. "Whatsa matta you? Imma justa tellun my friend howa you spella Mississippi!".
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Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smiled and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
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A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
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Seems this 85-year old couple gets married and decides to have kids. They go to a specialist and tell him, "We want to start a family." The Doctor says, "You're crazy! Not at your age!" The couple pleads with the doctor to help them. The doctor finally says, "OK, first we need to know if you're shooting bullets or blanks. Take this jar home and fill it up." The couple goes home. He tries it with his left hand. He tries it with his right hand. She tries it with her left hand. She tries it with her right hand. She tries it with her teeth in. She tries it with her teeth out. A couple days later, they go back to the doctor. When they hand him the empty jar, the doctor says, "What happened?" The couple replies, "We couldn't get the lid off."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his car and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, go underneath the car and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my car's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your car rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voo-doo dick.'" "So what's up with this voo-doo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voo-doo dick, the door." The voo-doo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voo-doo dick, get back in your box!" The voo-doo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voo-doo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voo-doo dick. She got it out, and said "Voo-doo dick, my pussy!" The voo-doo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voo-doo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right... Voo-doo dick, my ass!"
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman,' Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?" Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
