WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #7!
This Page created on September 20, 1997!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE 7
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman,' Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?" Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
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One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?" "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop went back to the car, gave back the license and registration and dropped his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looked down and sighed..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......!!"
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A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years."
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first man,
"Religion?" The first man replies, "Episcopalian."
St. Peter looks down his list and says, "go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."
To the second man St. Peter asks, "Religion."
The second man replies "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."
To the third man St. Peter asks. "Religion."
The third man replies, "Baptist."
St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
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Mr.X wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Mr.X says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Mr.X," and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Mr.X continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Mr.X, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.
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I am STEVE CASE, your LORD, THY AOL GOD, which have BROUGHT THEE OUT OF
THE LAND OF INTERNET RELAY CHAT, OUT OF THE BONDAGE OF CompuServe.
#1 THOU SHALT SIGN UNTO NO ALTERNATE SERVERS BEFORE ME, FOR I
HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO F**K UP ALL THY CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS
AND SHALT DO SO.
#2 THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF STEVE CASE, YOUR LORD, THY
AOL GOD, IN VAIN IN ANY CHAT ROOM - I SHALT BOOT THINE ASS
OFF LINE INSTANTLY, AND REPEATEDLY FOR ALL THE DAY & NIGHT.
#3 THOU SHALT PICK A PRICE PLAN, I SHALT NOT HONOR IT, I SHALT
CONTINUE TO BILL THY ACCOUNT AT $2.95 per hour JUST TO REALLY
PISS THOU OFF.
#4 REMEMBER THY PASSWORD, FOR THOU SHALT SIT ON HOLD FOR ALL
ETERNITY, SHOULD THOU NEED TO PHONE AOL.
#5 HONOR THY T.O.S, AND THY GUIDE PAGER, THAT THY DAYS ONLINE
BE LONG. (YES, THE BOOT THINE ASS THING AGAIN )
#6 THOU SHALT NOT SIGN ON WITHOUT MULTIPLE ATTEMPTS ( I AM
THINKING AN HOUR OR SO, SHOULD WORKETH FOR THEE ).
#7 THOU SHALT NOT ANSWER THY IM's AT THINE WILL - MY WILL
BE DONE , APPLYETH HERE.
#8 THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THINE BUDDY LIST - THE LORD
GIVETH, AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY.
#8 THOU SHALT NOT GO SURFING, THOU SHALT CRAWLETH
EVER SO SLOWLY, UNTIL I BOOT THINE ASS OFF LINE.
#9 THOU SHALT NOT BEAR WITNESS AGAINST STEVE, THY GOD, WITH
NASTY LITTLE PETITIONS. I OWETH THEE NADA, I PROMISED THEE
NADA.
#10 THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBORS I S P: THOU SHALT NOT
COVET THE SPEED AT WHICH THY NEIGHBOR SIGNS ON, PICKS UP
E-MAIL, SURFS THE NET, CRUISES CHAT ROOMS, ANSWERS IM's,
NOR ANYTHING THY NEIGHBOR CAN DO ON HIS I S P. HEY - WHAT
THE HELL DID YOU PEOPLE EXPECT FOR $19.95 A MONTH ? YOU LET
OLE STEVE KNOW WHEN $2.95 PER HOUR DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD
ANYMORE, K?
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Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted..... Ready.....Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim....!! and suddenly the redhead yelled....."TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
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"PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER'S WEB - SOON LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY"
"BASEBALL IS WRONG, MAN WITH FOUR BALLS CANNOT WALK."
"WOMAN WHO WEARS G-STRING, HIGH ON CRACK."
"WIFE WHO PUT HUSBAND IN DOGHOUSE SOON FIND HIM IN CAT HOUSE."
"MAN WHO FIGHT WITH WIFE ALL DAY, GET NO PIECE AT NIGHT."
"IT TAKES MANY NAILS TO BUILD A CRIB, BUT ONE SCREW TO FILL IT."
"MAN WHO BOUNCE WOMAN ON BED SPRING THIS SPRING HAVE OFFSPRING NEXT SPRING."
"A MAN WITH HIS HANDS IN POCKETS FEELS FOOLISH, BUT A MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS NUTS."
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The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heven first?" 3 students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher things to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something perverted." So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart." The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart." Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first." The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?" Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was sayin 'Oh God I'm cummin'!"
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These three boys were walking home from school. All of a sudden, hey saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running. The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running. On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?" And the kid replies, "Yea, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something getting hard."
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Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
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A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up."
So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're f**king my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?"
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WOMEN GOLFERS
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
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COMA.....
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
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By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch beating off and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity...and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a Big smile and two thumbs up to each driver.
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Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Dad: Sure, son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Dad: Well, son, let's take our household for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take
care of you and your needs, so lets call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother, the future. Understand?
Son: I'm not really sure, but Dad, I'll think about it.
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.
The next morning...
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great, son. Explain it to me in your own words.
Son: Well, while the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep; the people are being completely ignored, and the future is full of shit.
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Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview
the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".
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A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?" The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?" " Well she's in heat," says the cop. "Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred." "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine." At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed." "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
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A guy came home from work not at all happy. His young, naive, wife asked what was wrong. He said he was laid off from work today and was worried about meeting the mortgage and other bills this month. He told his wife he thought about it and decided an easy way to keep up was for her to go out on the street and solicit sex for cash. Just 'till the end of this month... He had a plan where he'd always be close and she could run to him for help if she needed him. First night out, first customer: She leans into the car window and says $100 bucks for sex. He says he doesn't have $100; how much for a blow job? The girl runs around the corner and asks her husband how much for a blow job. He says $50. She runs back to the car and tells the john $50 bucks. He asks how much for a hand job then? She says wait a minute, and runs to ask her husband. He says $30. The girl runs back to the car and says $30 bucks for the hand job. The guy says OK, hands her the $30 bucks, unzips and pulls out his huge penis. The girl takes one look at his 'equipment', says: " Wait just a minute!" and runs back to her husband, who's getting annoyed by now. He says, what the hell is it now? She asks: Can we lend this guy $70 bucks????
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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect; 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt, the bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'" To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
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Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'" Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'" Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'" The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
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Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump." "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
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A priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
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> Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a hillbilly and his son travel to the big city for the first time. After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, "So where's my water, boy?" "Couldn't get any this trip, Pa. Some guy's sitting on the well."
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A penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage. The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, and said "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh, no! It's just ice cream!"
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
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But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
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"Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your butt!"
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ARTERY ----- Study of paintings
BACTERIA ----- Back door to cafeteria
BARIUM ----- What to do when treatment fails
BOWEL ----- A letter like A E I O or U
CAESAREAN SECTION ----- District in Rome
CAT SCAN ----- Searching for kitty
CAUTERIZE ----- Made eye contact with her
COLIC ----- Sheep dog
COMA ----- Punctuation mark
CONGENITAL ----- Friendly
D & C ----- Where Washington is
DILATE ----- To live long
ENEMA ----- Not a friend
FESTER ----- Quicker
GENITAL ----- Non-Jewish
HANG NAIL ----- Coat hook
IMPOTENT ----- Distinguished, Well known
LABOR PAIN ----- Hurt at work
MORBID ----- Higher offer
NITRATE ----- Cheaper than day rate
NODE ----- Was aware of
OUTPATIENT ----- Person fainted
RECOVERY ROOM ----- Place to upholster
RECTUM ----- Dang near killed him
RHEUMATIC ----- Amorous
SECRETION ----- Hiding something
TABLET ----- Small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS ----- Sick at the airport
TIBIA ----- Country in North Africa
TUMOR ----- More than one
URINE ----- Opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE ----- Nearby
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community; if the Jew won, the Jews could stay; if the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
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Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I *really* need to have sex." Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a "lady of joy" and treat her to your manly pleasures." And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.." "37 times?!?!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!". So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor." "You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor! But what about me? I can't even pith!!!"
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A young intern was being shown around the hospital where he was to do his tour of duty. The doctor who is giving the tour decided to show the young upstart the "special" wing of the hospital where some of the more bizarre ailments were treated. The two physicians entered the first room on the ward and witnessed a man standing in the corner masturbating like a crazed fool. The intern stood there, jaw agape, and asked what ailed this man. The wise, old doctor replied, "This man has a strange imbalance that causes him to produce about ten times the normal amount of sperm and if he doesn't relieve himself at least three times a day, it could result in a very serious testicular trauma." The intern, still in shock, reluctantly shrugged it off and the two moved on. Upon entering the second room, they witnessed a man laying upon his bed, spread-eagled, getting a blowjob from a beautiful young nurse. The intern again asked what was going on and the senior doctor replied simply, "Same ailment, better health plan."
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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An American, German and a Japanese are golfing, and they're each bragging about how their country is the most technologically advanced. After a few holes, they all hear a phone ring and the American extends his thumb and pinky finger and uses his hand like a telephone. After he's finished, the German and Japanese ask him, "How did you do that?" He smiles and says, " I have microchips implanted in my fingers and there's an antenna in my hand. Good old American technology!"
They play a few more holes, and then the phone rings again. This time the German just stands there having a conversation with the air. When he's finished the other two ask him "How did you do that?" He smiles and says, "I have microchips implanted in my teeth and my ears, and an antenna is in my scalp. German engineering!"
After a few more holes, the phone rings yet again. The Japanese goes running off into the bushes The American and the German can't figure out what's going on, so they follow him, and find him squatting with his pants around his ankles. " What on earth are you doing? they ask. I'm waiting for a fax."
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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head, a truly disgusting sample of manhood. "Who are you?" the man asked, shocked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"
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A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop
across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
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After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
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A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
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A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in his butt".
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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Little Johnny goes up to his mother and say, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mom says, "Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that's one of them." The boy says, "Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?" She says, "Son, that's another question you should never ask a lady." The boy says, "Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mom says, "Okay, that's enough questions for now. Why don't you go outside and play?" Little Johnny goes outside and sees a friend of his. He says to the friend, "I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn't answer them." His resourceful friend says, "You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. They have all sorts of neat information on those." Little Johnny thinks it's a good idea. He goes into the house and gets his mom's driver's license, then looks it over. Then, he goes to his mom, and says mischievously, "Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver's license, and now I know how old you are!" The mom says, "Really?" The boy says, "Yeah, you're 32! And I know how much you weigh, too!" The mom surprised says, "Oh, really?" Little Johnny says, "Yeah, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!" At this point, the paranoid mom says, "You do?!?" Little Johnny says, "Yeah, because you got an 'F' in sex!"
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By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for a year.
The patient states there is a burning sensation in his penis which goes down to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old mal, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!". The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor..."
"Well, I thought I things under control until she whipped her tail aroundand slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence."
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A woman goes to her doctor because she's not feeling well. The doctor examines her and says, "I can't tell you for sure until I get the test results back, but you either have full blown Aids or Alzheimers." Naturally worried about the outcome of the tests, the woman waits for the results, but before the doctor can give her the results, the doctor's office catches fire and all of the test results go up in flames. The doctor calls the woman's husband to tell him that more tests will have to be done, but the husband asks the doctor if there is a way to determine which of these diseases his wife is suffering from. The doctor says, "Try this. Drive your wife about 2 or 3 miles away from where you live, leave her there and drive home. If she finds her way home don't fuck her".
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:-
Dear Wife (that's what he called her)
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:-
Dear Husband (that's what she called him)
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
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Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's house. "Hey, Batman," he says. "Wanna go out tonight?"
"No I can't," replies Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."
"You loser," says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidie, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me?" he says.
"I'd love to, but Ican't", replies Spiderman, "My web is broken and I gotta fix it to fight crime."
Superman all disgusted says, "You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web." So he flies away.
While flying from up above he spots Wonder woman stark naked & lying on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, "Hey, I'm Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and fly back out and she won't even feel it."
Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.
Wonderwoman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell"
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A man and his wife came home one night, to find their whole house had been burgalized. Shocked, the wife told her husband to go out the next day and buy a feirce guard dog for their home. Well the next day, he went to the pet store and said to the man "I'd like your most ferocious dog... he has to be able to take down anybody." "I've got just the dog for you," then man said, stepping in back. He returned with a small little pekianese. "That?!" the man said pointing to the runty dog. "That thing couldn't beat up a cat!" "Please, sir... this dog knows Karate!" "Karate? Fhe... allright... let's see." The man pointed to a box and said "Karate the box!" the little dog set to it and turned the box into sawdust. He then point to a chair "Karate the chair!" the little dog set to it and turned it to splinters. "See?" the man said "Just say karate and what you want him to destroy and he'll do it!" "Ah! I'll take him!" so the man buys the dog and takes him home. He has some fun destroying a few things around the house, when his wife comes home. "Did you get an attack dog?" she asked. "I sure did!" he said, pointing to the little dog. "That? THAT? That's a runt!" she yelled. "Take him back!" "But dear! He knows karate!" he argued. She looked him dead-on and said "Karate my ass!"
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A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in the bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me, I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his 40 year old daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will probably never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV. "What on earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband
replied, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"
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Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought,"Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"
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There is this man, and he goes to the doctor. Well, the doctor calls him back in to the exam room and asks him what the problem seems to be. The man replies, "I have an orange penis." The doctor seems sort of stunned by his answer and starts to examine him. Sure enough his penis is as orange as can be. The doctor tells him that there doesn't seem to be any kind of damage and asks what he does for a living, thinking that there could be some type of chemical reaction. The man says that he works in an office uptown where he is the assistant to the company's top dog. The doctor then asks what the man likes to do after work and the man replies "I like to just relax." Still not sure why the guy's penis is orange, the doctor asks the man if he has a sex life to which the man answers "Not really, I've just been sitting home watching porn movies and eating cheetos."
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A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
back together again. The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!". While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".
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Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
---------------------------------------------------------
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
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There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
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Woman suspected that her hairy Schnauzer pooch was hard of hearing, so she took him to the veterinarian. "I see the problem," the vet said, "He has hair balled up in his ears. I'll clip it out and to keep it from happening again, go to the drug store and get some liquid hair remover. Dab it in each ear once a week and the problem will be solved."
So she went to the drug store and told the pharmacist she wanted liquid hair remover..
"OK, miss. Dilute this stuff 2 to 1 in water, apply it and your problem with hair on the legs will be gone." "No, that's not what I want it for," she said. "Well, dilute it 4 to 1 and apply it under your arms. Your hair problem there wlll disappear.," he said. "No, I want to put it on my Schnauzer," she said.
"In that case, lady, dilute it 10 to 1, and after you apply it, don't ride a bike for a week," the druggist concluded.
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A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to take her own life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor saw her tears, took pity on her, and said,"Look you have a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he puts his arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement"with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe. "Europe madam," said the captain "This is the Staten Island Ferry, "
NOTE: (The Staten Island Ferry is a 20 minute boat ride between Manhattan and Staten Island which goes back and forth every hour)
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A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!' Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure that out ?' The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
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Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "...but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now, not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story?" says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was hoping ... do you have a similar bronze lawyer?"
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There is a black man, and a white man both married at a bar drinking. The white man says to the black man "I think I'll go home and get me some pussy" the black man says "You still get pussy"?
The white man says "I tell my wife at home a little poem and then she gives me some" the black man says "That works? So what do you tell her"? The white man says "I tell her 'Goldy Locks, Goldy Locks, eyes so blue come over here and let me make love to you". So the black man says "I'm going to try it".
He goes home and comes back the next day with a black eye. And says to the white man " I ought to kick your ass for telling me that". The white man says "Why"? The black man says "I tell her the poem and she hits me". The white man says "What'd you tell her"?
The black man says "Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, come over here and let me fuck you like a dog".
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An accountant, a doctor, and a lawyer are stuck in a lifeboat after a shipwreck. They drift within sight of land but are motionless a mile out. The accountant says, "I'll swim to shore and tow the boat along with me." He jumps in the water and then promptly climbs back into the boat. "There are sharks....I'm not swimming to shore!" So they wait and get no closer. Then the doctor says, "I'm not afraid of sharks. I'll tow the boat to shore!" He gets in the water and starts towing the boat. The sharks come after him. Just before the first shark attacks, he leaps back into the raft. "Those sharks are too nasty! I'm not towing the boat to shore!" The lawyer then leans over the side and whistles to the sharks. The sharks push the raft onto the shore. The doctor and accountant are amazed. "How did you do that?" they asked. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
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A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good Lord almighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"? The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
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Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out........carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday......and there on the couch I sat............. with nothing on but my socks......
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It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd had a really bad day on the day they died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment, and couldn't find him anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we live on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony, and it crushed him. The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, and so I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me, but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!!"
St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven, and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man. "Okay, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigerator..."
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There was a nun who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon these 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy "What are they doing?" He says "They're making love." "Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask. "Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says "Those are his knots" She says "Oh, ok I got it." As they continue their stroll, They come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were". Surprised and excited he agrees. While their getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts. She innocently replies "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope".
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied at the back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace." He goes to Caesar's Palace. The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table." He goes to the roulette table. The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23." He puts all his money on RED 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up BLACK 17. The voice says "Damnit!"
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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered
as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to it's origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
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Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache. The second cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?" "No," replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary." "Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?" "I boiled him as usual," replied the first. The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?" "No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe." "Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him. That was a Friar!"
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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door,and sure enough there's a shiny
new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head.
"You bet. If I were really a woman, I'd own that island!"
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" We need" = I want
" It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
" Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
" You're ... so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" = I've got my period
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"I need wedding shoes" = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"Yes" = No
"No" = No
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
"Was that the baby?"= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
"All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
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An intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor "why that man was doing such a thing out in the open?"
The doctor says: "Oh he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."
"Oh, I see." says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a furious blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with THAT?"
The doctor says: "Same condition, better medical plan".
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
