WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S JOKE PAGE #8!
SUPER HART'S JOKE COLLECTION PAGE8
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
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This old man named Roger goes to the doctor and tells him that he thinks that his wife is going deaf, and he'd sure like some advice about how to help her, but knows she will get upset if he approaches her without the evidence. The doctor tells him that he needs to know exactly how deaf she is before he can give much help. He suggested that the guy go home and find out what distance away he needs to be for his wife to hear him. So the old man goes home, opens the front door and says: "Hi honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?" but with no reply. He then moves to the living room and repeats the question, but still gets no reply. Next, he walked to the kitchen door and repeated the same sentence, without any success. Finally, he came right up behind his wife, put his arms around her and said: "Hi honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?" "For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, it's CHICKEN!"
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head. "Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter. "But, St. Peter, surely you recognize me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow." "And I know you recognize me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies. Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay 3 days."
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" asks the male doctor. "I didn't feel a thing."
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Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."
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A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Vermonter were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila." The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!" The Vermonter drained his bottle of Catamount beer, threw it up in the air, drew his deer rifle, and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan "Where I come from," he said, "we recycle these... and we have plenty of New Yorkers."
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The woman, who is in the window seat, sneezes, then she excuses herself to go to the restroom. The man politely gets up to let her out. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again and again excuses herself to go to the restroom. The man gets up again to let her out. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. And again she excuses herself to go to the bathroom. The man becomes annoyed at being disturbed so frequently. At the fourth time, the man has finally had enough. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times I've had to let you out to go to the restroom. What's going on?" The woman replies,"I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
"Pepper"
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A honeymooning couple was passing through Kentucky. When they were approaching Versailles, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you very slowly pronounce where we are"?
The guy behind the counter leand over and said, "Burrrrrrr gerrrrrrrrrrrrr Kiiiiing".
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girl out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: Pierre, kiss me! Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on her lips. What are you doing, Pierre? I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles, and they start kissing...Things begin to heat up...Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower..Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts poruing it all over her breasts. Pierre! What are you doing? I am pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine. Their passionate interlude resumes and things heat up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, I am Pierre the fighter pilot ! When I go down, I go down in flames!!!
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A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he walks into the barroom door he sees a big sign on the door that says NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. He walks in and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender comes over to him and sniffs at him. The bartender says...You smell kind of nerdy, what do you do for a living? The driver says he drives big trucks and right now he's hauling a load of computers.
The bartender says, OK, truck drivers anrn't nerdy! He serves him a beer. As he's sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils and a belt about a foot too long.
The bartender, not saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks the bartender why he did this. The bartender said not to worry about it..The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley and it's open season on nerds. He said you don't even need a license to hunt them.
So the truck driver finished his beer and then got back on the road with his load of computers. Soon after, he hits a slick spot in the road and his truck veers almost out of control. The slide causes his load to shift around, the back door opens, and the computers spill out all over the highway.
After the truck stops, he jumps out and sees other motorists scrambling around picking up the computers. He notices their by their nerdy clothes that they are Engineers, Accountants, and Programmers. He can't let them get away with his whole load of computers. Remembering what happened at the bar, he runs back to the cab of his truck and gets his gun and starts blasting away, killing several nerds in just a few seconds.
About this time, a highway patrolman comes zooming up, runs out of his patrol car and yells for the driver to STOP.
The truck driver says, what's the matter? I thought nerds were in season!!!!
Well, sure, says the patrolman, but you can't bait them.
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?"
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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did get you that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will", the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
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Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."
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A travelling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat." "I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me." An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising." "No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation." Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. "Hey, buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance." "I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. " I *know* the Lord will provide." As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!" Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a break, pal. I sent three boats!"
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A couple guys are walking home from the bar, and are pretty drunk. When they turn down an alley, they see a dog with it's leg up, licking itself. One guy says, "Gee, I sure wish I could do that." His friend says, "Nah, he'd probably bite ya."
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyways. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad. A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, George, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
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Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
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An Amish girl was riding in the family buggy one day during the winter months and her hands were really cold. So her mother said, 'Listen honey, I'll tell you a little secret. If you put your hands between your legs, they will get warm.'
So the girl put her hands between her legs and sure enough they warmed up and weren't cold anymore.
One day the girl was out on a date with her boyfriend and as they were driving the horse and buggy down the lane, the boy said that his hands were really cold. So the girl said, "My mamma showed me a little trick to keep your hands warm. Just stick them here between my legs and they will warm up." So the boy stuck his hands between her legs and sure enough they warmed up.
As they drove along the boy said, "My nose is sure cold." To which the girl replied, "Well maybe if you do the same with your nose it will warm up too." So the boy stuck his nose between the girls legs and after awhile he said, "Boy that sure is a good idea, my nose is nice and warm now."
The lad got to thinking and he decided to try something, so he said, "My penis is REALLY cold, it is frozen stiff." To that, the girl said, "Well stick that between my legs and it will warm up too."
After the boy dropped off the girl at her home the girl went inside and the mother asked the girl how their date was. The girl replied, "Oh it was real nice, we had a wonderful time. But do you know what a penis is?"
The mother answered, "Yes I do, why do you ask?"
The girl replied, "Well I was just wondering if you knew how much of a mess it made when it thawed out."
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Alright, burn his penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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A young man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, which was whenever she was around him, the tattoo spelled out her name: W-E-N-D-Y.
They went on their honeymoon to a resort in Montego Bay. One night, the fellow finds himself at the urinal in the men's room, standing next to a very tall Jamaican man. He noticed, to his amazement, that this man, too, had the letters 'W-Y' tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he said, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
The Jamaican man laughed out loud and replied, "No mon, my tattoo is for all of the young ladies I meet - it says..."
"WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON, HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY"
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A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, " Certainly, just a second."
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A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." "The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor." "The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants, and there has been an accident right out front. A young couple was killed, and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00, and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the price of the male and the female brains?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
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1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
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A guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read aloud that one woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was *HE*?"
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ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a
diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how
unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!"
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal." To which the Eskimo replied, "No, that's just frost on my mustache."
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her
. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through itbefore long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.
He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting....." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
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A couple ,age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked " what can I do for you " ? The man said, "will you watch us have sexual intercourse" ? The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He charged them $16.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked " just what exactly are you trying to find out"? The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything". She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $50.00 . The Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get back $12.50 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office.
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A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
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16. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
15. If this leaks out, I'll be ruined.
14. If this doesn't leak out, *I'll* be ruined.
13. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once....
12. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
11. You are a White House intern; well, now it's your turn.
10. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
9. Somehow, I don't think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
8. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
7. what do you mean 'falsie inspection. I don't remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
4. Are you *sure* it's in?
3. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what i thought you meant.
2. "maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes."
And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office...
1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.
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Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but
nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down
again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"
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A man is walking in the mall, and sees a new store. "Grand Opening Sale---Victoria's Secret" it says on the sign. Going in, he discovers that the place sells sexy ladie's lingerie. Being happily married for over 30 years, he figures, "Hey, the wife would probably like something from here!" But----He has no idea of his wife's size. "Oh, well. I'll just take my best guess. She can always exchange it." he thinks. Buying a nice ivory teddy, he has it gift-wrapped. Taking it home, he gives it to his wife after dinner. Going up to the bedroom to try it on, she finds that, try as she might, this thing is WAY too small. "Darn!" she thinks "I just KNOW I was going to get lucky tonight, but it won't fit! What to do?" After much thinking, she has an idea. "I know! I'll just go out in my birthday suit. He's so nearsighted, he'll never know." Leaving her room stark naked, she proceeds to search the house for her husband. Finding him in the den watching TV, She says, in her most sexy voice, "Like what you see, Honey?" Turning to look at her, he does a double-take. "For 75 bucks they could have at least ironed it!".
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A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.
At this point, one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I wassitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
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A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."
Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."
Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."
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President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "Its this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
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Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
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Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
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Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
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Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on the White House Lawn. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Vice President Gore." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, uh, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
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A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour afterendless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
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"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." {several minutes pass} "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.
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A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,"Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
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A respected Irish judge left Clancy's bar after a hard night of tippling. Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and upchucked all over his fine suit. He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. "Aye, Moira, not to fear." he said. "I had him arrested, and Monday I shall give him 30 days for this atrocious offense."
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a Lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"
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A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick
that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
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A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". The boss let her know that Monday would be her first day. It was Friday and almost quitting time. Wanting to get home, the boss quickly described her responiblities and told her she'd be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line
to find the problem. When he got to the new employee, he found her sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss couldn't control his laughter as he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles."
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>An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells him she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.
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A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
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Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered Hillary said:
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These 2 nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
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At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"
Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up. "Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been *intimate* with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?" The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought you said goat!"
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,your husband will surely die."
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An older woman went to the gynecologist. He told her she was in perfect health, had the body of an eighteen-year-old. She was so excited she ran home to tell her husband.
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Three hungry Korean guys walk into a restaurant and sit down. One of them reads a sign , translates to the others , and then they whip down their pants and all start to whack off furiously. The waitress comes up and asks , "What the hell are you perverts doing?" They reply, "The sign said, first come first served!!"
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A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along. "Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'. You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues." "Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?" "Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"
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"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
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When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony."
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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and
watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
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Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They
tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at
night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong."
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'.
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A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
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King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him
to come back in a week. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
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A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Hmmph..." she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
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"Are you the owner?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
His adoring wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before
leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied,
"Better give him 60 days, your honor, he shit in your pants, too..."
Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"
The biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"
Still the biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat up and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the Devil is just plain mad, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-alec, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion". "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account".
"Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
"Oh yeah?" he said snidely. "What about your fat ass?"
"He didn't say anything about you."
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
