WELCOME TO SUPER HART'S REDNECK PAGE!
This Page created on March 1, 2005!
please bear with me!
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If Any Of These Describe You, You Just Might Be A Redneck!
1. You think that a 401K is your mother-in-law's bra size.
2. Your daddy's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.
3. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
4. An episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" changed your life.
5. You have an electronic singing fish in more than three rooms of your house.
6. You work without a shirt on and so does your husband.
7. You think that "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when your daddy goes out to the barn.
8. You have ever ridden an electric floor buffer.
9. You have ever worn a tube top to a funeral.
10. You had to miss your fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty.
11. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
12. You think that "fast food" means hitting a deer at 65 mph.
13. You have ever stared at a can of frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate".
14. You believe that NSYNC is where your dirty dishes are.
15. You believe that the "National Anthem" ends with "Gentlemen, start your engines."
16. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
17. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
18. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
19. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
20. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
21. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
22. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
23. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
24. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
25. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
26. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
27. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
28. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
29. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
30. You whistle at women in church.
31. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
32. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
33. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat. (heyyy... what a great idea!!)
34. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
35. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
36. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
37. Fewer than half of your cars run.
38. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
39. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
40. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
41. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
42. Your family tree doesn't fork.
43. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
44. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
45. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
46. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
47. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
48. You've ever used lard in bed.
49. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
50. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
51. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
52. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
53. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
54. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
55. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
56. You prominently display a gift bought at Graceland.
57. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
58. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
59. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
60. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
61. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
62. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
63. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
64. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
65. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
66. You've ever used a weed whacker indoors.
67. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
68. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
69. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
70. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
71. You've ever financed a tattoo.
72. You go to your family reunion to meet women.
73. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
74. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
75. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
76. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
77. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
78. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
79. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
80. You've been too drunk to fish.
81. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
82. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
83. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
84. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
85. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
86. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
87. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
88. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
89. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
90. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
91. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
92. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
93. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
94. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
95. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
96. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
97. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
98. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
99. you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
100. Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
101. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
102. You mow your lawn and find a car.
103. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, a jacket, and grabbing a flashlight.
104. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
105. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
106. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
107. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
108. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
109. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
110. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
111. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
112. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
113. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
114. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
115. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
116. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
117. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
118. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
119. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
120. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
121. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
122. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
123. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
124. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
125. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
126. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
127. You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
128. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
129. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
130. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
131. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
132. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
133. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
134. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
135. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
136. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
137. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
138. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
139. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
140. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
141. Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
142. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
143. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
144. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
145. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
146. Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
147. You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
148. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
149. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
150. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
151. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
152. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
153. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
154. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
155. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
156. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
157. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
158. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
159. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
160. Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
161. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
162. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
163. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
164. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
165. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
166. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
167. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
168. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
169. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
170. You've popped a beer at a funeral.
171. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
172. You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
173. You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
174. You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
175. You have more than two relatives named "Bubba".
176. You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
177. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
178. You've ever re-used a paper plate.
179. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
180. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
181. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
182. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
183. Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
184. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
185. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
186. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
187. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
188. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
189. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
190. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
191. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
192. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
193. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
194. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
195. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
196. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
197. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
198. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
199. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
200. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
201. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
202. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
203. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
204. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
205. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
206. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
207. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
208. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
209. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
210. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
211. You have a rag for a gas cap.
212. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
213. You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat.
214. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
215. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
216. You can spit without opening your mouth.
217. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
218. You sit on your roof in hunting season hoping to fill your deer license.
219. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
220. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
221. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
222. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
223. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
224. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
225. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
226. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
227. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
228. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
229. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
230. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
231. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
232. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, Bubba, watch this."
233. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
234. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
235. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
236. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
237. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
238. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
239. If your wife has a jello mold that looks like Elvis.
240. If you carry more than two spare tires in the back of your truck.
241. You've taken a pregnancy test and a sobriety test on the same day.
242. A screwdriver is required to open the trunk of your car.
243. Your bucket seats are real buckets.
244. You eat cotton candy more than three times a week.
245. The only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.
246. You've ever heated a cup of coffee with a welding torch.
247. Both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day.
248. There is a four wheeler parked in your bedroom.
249. Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.
250. You think "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.
251. Your bar tab has page numbers.
252. You've ever been injured playing ping pong.
253. You constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet.
254. Your father-in-law said you had no class so you spit at him.
255. You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
256. Your car won't start because of the wax build-up on the key.
257. You get new yard furniture every time the creek floods.
258. The only signal you use while driving is "the finger".
259. People often mistake you for an Elvis impersonator.
260. Your most romantic moment happened at a drive-thru.
261. You could retire by recycling all the cans in the bed of your truck.
262. Any of your furniture has bullet holes.
263. Your barber wears rubber gloves.
264. Your will mentions tires.
265. The last time off you had was for good behavior.
266. You've eaten a "Big Mac" as an appetizer.
267. You do Civil War reenactments by yourself.
268. The only time you skydived, it wasn't on purpose.
269. Starting your car wakes at least twelve cats.
270. You think people who have grass in their yards are uppity.
271. The first time you danced with your wife it cost you $20.
272. You've been ejected from Bingo.
273. You had a black eye in your wedding pictures.
274. You've lived the last ten years with shotgun pellets embedded in your rear end.
275. The air freshener in your car was in there when you bought it.
276. Your car's anti-theft device is the way it looks.
277. You've woken yourself up while breaking wind.
278. You own more CBs than CDs.
279. People have grown weary of telling you that your pants are unzipped.
280. You frisk everyone at your family reunions.
281. The place where you vacationed last year won't allow you to come back this year.
282. Your grandmother tried to hit a highway worker with a beer can.
283. The only "push-up" you know about is sold in the ice cream section.
284. Three generations of your family are currently working at McDonald's.
285. You asked the preacher to repeat the questions during your wedding vows.
286. You have to roll up your sleeve and look at your arm to spell your wife's name.
287. Your wife's work uniform has no top.
288. You buy your cough medicine at the liquor store.
289. You go to the laundromat to pick up women.
290. You delayed your wedding because of hunting season.
291. The sweetest music you ever heard was a pack of dogs running through the swamp at midnight.
292. Your doorbell is a dog.
293. Your landscape gardening features cattle skulls.
294. You think "dinner reservations" means they have seen your wife's cooking.
295. You signed your marriage license on the hood of a car.
296. You traded your truck for a dog.
297. The grocery store manager had to ask your husband to quit harassing the lobsters.
298. You invite all your relatives over to see your new ceiling fan.
299. You test your car battery with your tongue.
300. You dress to impress no one.
301. Your honeymoon transportation was Greyhound.
302. Your wedding pictures have a propane tank in the background.
303. Your favorite pet is edible.
304. The diving contest at the family reunion was ruined because your pool went flat.
305. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the emissions test.
306. The last time you went swimming they had to use the boat ramp to get you out of the lake.
307. You join a record club under a fake name.
308. You often find stray animals in your living room.
309. Your hood ornament is a duck decoy.
310. The owner of a restaurant had to ask you to "Please move away from the salad bar before you start eating".
311. You pick your friends based on their ownership of jumper cables.
312. The uninvited guests at your family reunion were the SWAT Team.
313. You've ever given a set of NASCAR cups as a wedding present.
314. You regularly check the brake lights on your house.
315. You've ever swapped shirts with a scarecrow.
316. Nobody else will touch your favorite cap.
317. The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.
318. You always cancel the subscription and keep the free gift.
319. You've accidentally injured one of your relatives with a flying toenail.
320. People drive by your house to look at your Christmas lights in April.
321. Part of your parole states that you are not allowed to own sheep.
322. Your wedding dress was leather.
323. You ever took a deer skin to a dry cleaners.
324. You taught your three year old to give Jeff Gordon "the finger.".
325. You've skipped work for a sidewalk sale.
326. Your old washing machine is your new doghouse.
327. You think your dog is "house trained" because that is the only place he will go.
328. You wrap up your older children's underwear to give to your younger child for his birthday.
329. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
330. The only thing you have ever hit with a baseball bat is a mailbox.
331. You think the four seasons are onion, pepper, salt and garlic.
332. Your dog house and your living room have the same shag carpet.
333. You win the pickled egg contest and no one will ride home with you.
334. You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
335. Your church has a "Happy Hour".
336. Your primary source of income is a pool stick.
337. Your buddies ask if you want to see photos of your wife naked and they aren't kidding.
338. The police have had to talk to you about your bonfires.
339. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
340. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
341. You've ever passed an afternoon by watching others get a haircut.
342. You whistle at women in church.
343. You inherited a toilet plunger.
344. You have no idea how many pets you have.
345. You can't find your lawn mower.
346. Your phone cord is a safety hazard.
347. You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
348. You hold the hood of your car open with your head while you work on it.
349. You use a bungee cord as a seat belt.
350. There's a belch on your answering machine greeting.
351. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
352. You get your mail sent to P.O. box because you can't spell or pronounce your street name.
353. You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
354. Bass Pro Shop is forced to garnish your paycheck.
355. You think "wireless communication" is yelling across the front yard.
356. The most valuable part of your car is the gas in the tank.
357. You've ever proposed over a pay phone.
358. You don't go anywhere without a siphon hose.
359. You disguise your voice when answering the phone.
360. You actually wear shoes your dog brings home.
361. The last time you took your wife to the movies, she had to hide in the trunk.
362. You've ever used hair spray to kill flying insects
363. You deliberately run over other people's golf balls with your golf cart.
364. You've ever FedExed beef jerky.
365. You have a relative living in your garage.
366. Half of your car is a Cadillac.
367. Your mobile home has a loft.
368. Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
369. Your anniversary dinner includes pickled pigs feet.
370. Your ex-wife is the president of your fan club.
371. You've ever relieved yourself in your neighbor's yard.
372. You've ever worked in your garden with a kitchen fork.
373. Your dad ever taught you how elude a pack of trailing bloodhounds.
374. You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
375. Your standard of living improves whenever you go camping.
376. The only thing not rusted in your yard are the pinwheels on either side of the driveway.
377. There is a trampoline in your front yard.
378. You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
379. You have a fence in your front yard but it's not up.
380. You've driven more than 100 miles to look at a hog.
381. You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
382. Your mother thinks you should have been a surgeon because of the ease and confidence you have with the deep-fat fryer.
383. Your grandmother wears a tank top without a bra.
384. Your high school graduation was the headline of the local paper.
385. The post office discontinues your delivery because the postman keeps getting stuck in your driveway.
386. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
387. People come to your door thinking you have an auto salvage business.
388. You can ruin a pair of shoes in one wearing.
389. Every time you attempt to put your boat on the trailer a crown gathers to watch.
390. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
391. The oil stain in your driveway is bigger than your car.
392. Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.
393. There is a photo of your wife in her wedding dress holding a stringer of fish.
394. You need to wear hipwasers in order to get into your honeymoon shack.
395. You've ever shot a beer can while someone else was drinking out of it.
396. You call your boss "Dude".
397. You've showed photos of your latest deer at a funeral home.
398. You get poison ivy, chigger botes and fleas just walking to your mailbox.
399. Your TV is on 24/7.
400. Nothing in your refrigerator was purchased at a store.
401. The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
402. The only newspapers you read are sold at the checkout line of the grocery store.
403. You've ever worn a suit from Chess King to a funeral.
404. You keep a can of Raid on your kitchen table.
405. Your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
406. You think the ability to hold on to a job is overrated.
407. The garbage truck mistakenly takes your lawn furniture.
408. You've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
409. ANy of your front room furniture is inflatable.
410. You have a photo of yourself with a prize-winning vegetable.
411. Your five-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
And The Best One Of All:
If your wife has ever worn a strapless dress with a bra that ISN'T, you just might be a redneck.
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THANKS VERY MUCH TO EVERY PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS JOKE FILE. HERE'S HOPING IT CONTINUES TO GROW AND PUTS SMILES ON MANY FACES.
