Seeing Voices

(unedited)

As she walked the two blocks from the bus stop to home, Tina knew she had to make some changes. As she entered the vestibule of her mother's house , she noticed the smell that most days she managed to ignore. It was a combination of urine and disinfectant. Steeped in the damp urban summer it suddenly felt ancient and suffocating and frighteningly familiar. She had smelled it when her grandmother died. And suddenly recalling that summer 35 years ago, she had trouble breathing. "Finally, " said Miss Brown, the nurse Tina employed to watch her mother during the weekdays. "Took you long enough Ms. Anton. You know, I have a life too." "Sorry, Shirley. The buses were slow tonight." Tina put down her stack of papers and took out her checkbook to write out the weekly wages. She wrote a check for $800 and hoped she had enough in her checking account to cover it. The last thing she wanted was another confrontation with Miss Brown over bounced checks. It has taken her over a year to find a nurse who would show up on time everyday and do the minimal work expected of her. Given the gruesome job she asked, she could not afford to risk another nurse's departure. "Could you possibly be here on Monday at 7:30 instead of 8:00?" Tina asked. Shirley stared at her in disbelief. "Don't think so. I told you, I have a life too." If Tina did not need this woman so badly, she would have slapped her face and sent her home. But instead she said, "Well, if you get here any earlier than 8:00, it would really help me out I have a special project due next week. " Shirley collected her things and, mumbling something about giving people an inch, made her way to the front door and disappeared into the darkness. Tina took a deep breath. She knew she had to do something about the smell but felt defeated by the thought of the effort. She climbed the stairs to look in on her mother and hoped that she would be asleep. "Has the Sergeant gone home yet?" Tina's mother asked. "If you mean Miss Brown, yes. She has left for the evening. What did you do to offend her today?" Tina said. "Me offend her? Everything about her presence is an offense to me. If you had been able to keep Henry's interest, we would not be in this position. You aren't going to find anyone better than him at your age, baby." The snarl on her mother's face was partly contempt, partly an attempt at sympathy and partly the result of a second stroke a year ago. "Mother, you know I won't discuss Henry with you. Please stop trying. It feels like you are prying." Until the second stroke her mother was still able to go up and down the stairs and Tina did not feel obliged to provide constant care.

While her mother was ambulatory, Tina still had a semblance of a life. The townhouse she had shared with Henry for seven years was small. It's location off M Street was convenient to Tina's work at Lockwood House. She liked the status of being an editor but dreaded the prospect that doing her work well might lead to a promotion. Her editorial work meant long hours away from people and that suited her. It did not suit Henry. After years of asking her to marry him and years of Tina delaying a decision, Henry finally receded into background noise. In Tina's attempt to hold down an exhausting job, cope with a caustic mother, and maintain a relationship that terrified her, Tina felt stuck. Afraid that Henry would tire of her, Tina moved out before she had the chance to be abandoned. Within days after leaving Henry and moving in with her mother, she called him. "At least drowning is a faster death than this suffocation," said Tina. If Henry had any words of feeling or sympathy left, he was unable to share them with Tina. "It's probably as good as it's going to get," he said. Telephone calls to Henry evolved into awkward silences. "If we are just going to breathe into dead space, it's a waste of time, Henry. Let's try talking when we have something to say."

Being back in her mother's house was like being thrust into her oppressive childhood again. Growing up, her mother's tastes and schedule dictated everything in the home. They ate meals when Mrs. Anton was hungry. They ate only what Mrs. Anton enjoyed. Her control was absolute and omnipresent. Tina's only escape was late in the evening when Tina retired to bedroom to read. Now Tina's mother was confined to one room on the upper floor and while Tina finally had the run of the house, she took little advantage of it. Oh, she ate what she wanted, when she wanted. She even tried redecorating. The living room went from a dark olive green to a pale blue. Heavy curtains came down and were replaced by lengths of gossamer that caught the random breezes. Her mother's exile to a small upstairs room was the beginning of freedom and, at first, Tina could barely wait for her redemption to be complete.

Soon an ancient exhaustion resettled on Tina. Tina pretended to plump her mother's pillows while she planned a quick exit from the room. The smell was making her nauseous and Tina needed to escape the fetid air. "Well, Mother, I have a tremendous amount of work to do, so unless you need anything else, I am going to say goodnight." Tina handed her mother the remote control and the TV Guide. She slid the portable intercom unit closer to her mother. "Call out if you need something, "she said. "Something important," she added and left the room. After putting the kettle on to boil, Tina headed for the small sitting room next to the dining room. This was the first room Tina had redecorated and she had taken great pride in making it look nothing like the rest of the house. The walls were painted a light lemon and white plantation shutters covered the wall of tall windows. A pale green aubusson rug was the prize Tina had given herself for taking a new job. The dark 1950's furniture had been replaced with white-washed Louis XIV copies. It was a room awash with light and flowers. The study looked out over the back yard filled with hundred year old pines. Outside, the oak leaf hydrangeas were wilting from lack of water, the St. Augustine grass was uncut. Unkempt peonies illuminated the night time blackness. Lightning bugs flashed occasionally and were the sole distraction from the glowing computer monitor. Tina sat down at the computer and clicked on the mail icon. She was immediately soothed by the sound of the modem dialing and then connecting to the local server. Her heart beat quickened as the high pitched whir of the modem indicated that Tina's terminal was in touch with another. Every time she logged on she marveled at the excitement the electronic tone generated in her mind. And her body. In college she had read how the sound of a bell could make a dog salivate. Now she was conditioned to the sound of a modem and an electronic tone telling her she had new mail. Her thighs twitched. She clicked on the upright flag on the mailbox icon. And before she could even look at the list of mail messages, a window appeared on her screen. In small text the words, "Finally. Darling, " appeared and Tina found herself sinking into her chair for a long stay. If anyone told her years ago that she would be developing electronic relationships with people thousands of miles away, she would have laughed. She barely had time for the few friends she had in town; carving out time for long distance relationships was ludicrous. But it had happened. She quickly typed back, "God I have missed you. I am so glad you are here." It was Tina's sense of "here" that she found so compelling. Despite sitting in her study, at her computer, she had the feeling of entering a new terrain every time she logged on to the internet. Most people viewed e-mail and net browsing as media. But for Tina it was a place. A place where her mother did not exist, where everything was under Tina's control. A place where everything was possible just by writing it. In the window filling half her screen, Tina saw the words: " Clare. Clare. Clare. " and exhaled audibly. Clare was the name she used with this particular man. She had other names for other people. Clare lived in NYC and worked at the Frick Collection. She traveled to London and Paris and her busy schedule made it difficult for her to talk frequently online. So when she was in town, her internet companion was hungry to talk to her. Clare's invented life was overflowing with the social demands of parties and art openings. The spin of NYC life was endless and everyone who knew Clare online found her to be quick, polite and amusing. They remarked on the speed with which she typed and how she tossed literary allusions around as quickly as some people tossed sports statistics. Tina liked Clare well enough. Clare was the closest to Tina's real self, but she was not Tina's favorite creation. Clare did not elicit excitement. Clare was polite, sometimes prim and while there were several men who consistently sought out Clare's company, Clare never crossed the line into impropriety.

Personally Tina preferred Nell. Nell was wilder. Nell said more daring things. Nell enjoyed evoking lust or adoration in others. But Nell also provoked anger. And sometimes Nell had to lay low for a while because she had come close to having her internet account cancelled. "So what is this? Some private fucking club?" Nell had typed this to members of a chat room when she first joined them. Her bawdy talk and freedom with playful double entendre had made her attractive to many of the men online and that was problematic for the women. A internet volunteer named Sue was in the chat room moderating the conversation. "We try to avoid profanity in chat rooms, Nell. If you want to use raw language, try private messages." Nell bristled. She continued to need corrections and she had repeated confrontations with online moderators. Nell was warned that her use of profanity and insults in public chat rooms could lead to a suspension of user privileges. "So you mean if called you a fat cow, I could get my account cancelled?" Nell asked the public chat room. "No, that would not be sufficient," was the typed reply. "Well what if I called you a god-damned fat cow? Would that do it?" "Nope, that would probably only irritate me, " the moderator typed back. "So what if I called you a god damned fucking fat pig? Would that do it?" "Bingo!" Nell's screen went white and she was disconnected from the service. It took two weeks before she was permitted to log on again. As Nell. Nell, blonde, saucy and totally uninhibited, usually logged on during the middle of the night. Nell knew everyone's business. And she loved to share it. Nell was not above entering a chat room and telling everyone what a bitch Clare had been to her. She even had logs of conversations to prove it. This got the underground comments firing. Windows popped up all over Nell's screen as people said hello and asked for the latest gossip. Nell was able to have erotic conversations with strangers, male or female. She boldly told people off and was a veritable encyclopedia of filthy jokes. Sometimes Clare tried to excuse Nell's behavior with sympathetic explanations for Nell's mercurial outbursts. That only led to reprisals of angry email from Nell and the drawing of lines among the people who were forced to take sides. When Tina had first started chatting online with strangers, she had been herself, but the effect was disappointing. She found that by simply taking a different name, she could say different things. It seemed harmless enough to tell people her name was Clare and that she lived in NYC rather than Virginia. It even seemed prudent since she had heard horror tales about people meeting strangers from internet chat rooms and never being seen again. Alive. But the lies that began as sensible protection had grown into a major recreational past time. In the past year, Tina had created many different characters. Clare and Nell were simply the longest running cast members. She even created a few male personas. In the two years she had been spinning webs, no one had ever challenged her identities or expressed the slightest doubt she was who she said she was. At first Tina relied on her memory to keep her entourage straight. But after confusing some of her characters she began to keep notes. Names, birth dates, residences, occupations. Even hair and eye colors. Her newest plot device was introducing several characters to the same man and creating a triangle of intrigue. It was a challenge to keep the personalities in their own voices, and lately she had taken to sending email to herself to see if she could guess who was talking. Early on, Tina noted how odd her behavior was but dismissed it as interesting explorations of her psyche. She convinced herself that she was simply exploring different aspects of herself. She called it "self-therapy" because each character she created told her more about her self. Sometimes she even laughed out loud while typing to see the shocking confession made by one of her personalities. Nell frequently remarked that her Freudian slip was showing, and she hoped people liked the lace.

A deep whistle came from the kitchen and Tina muttered: "Damn, I forgot about the kettle." This was the fifth kettle Tina had bought in almost that many weeks. The first kettle was destroyed a month ago when Tina left it too long on high heat. What was meant to be 15 minutes online checking email turned into a two hour foray as Nell. When she absent mindedly wandered back into the kitchen she found the plastic handle of the pot melted onto the cast iron grids of the stove top. Suddenly it ignited and Tina quickly doused the small fire with a quick toss of water. On her way home from work the next night she picked up a new tea kettle with a whistle to prevent more mishaps. The whistle kettle was a good idea but Tina had underestimated her ability to ignore her surroundings when she entered the on line world. This kettle also boiled dry, the whistle stopped its faint call to attention. The thin metal of the kettle was almost fused to the stove by the time Tina remembered to check it. "Be right back. " Tina tapped out the letters and went back to the kitchen to pour water into the teapot. While stopping to let it steep, she heard her mother call for her. "Be up in a minute," she called back. Tina headed for the powder room and passed the study. The smooth hum of the computer was such a comfort to her. Last month after a heavy spring rain, the house had lost electricity and Tina's restlessness was almost unbearable. She wondered if the feelings she had when she was away from the computer were anything like drug withdrawal. She dismissed that notion with a laugh. It's only e-mail, she thought to herself. And a little chatting. And if I spend a little too much time, it's no one's business but mine. Before Tina reached the powder room she decided to tell the man waiting at the other end of the internet connection that she might be a while. She sat down to explain and again got lost in conversation. Forty minutes later, Tina remembered she had meant to pee and finally pushed herself away from the computer. When Tina finally logged off the computer, sleepy and irritable and annoyed for wasting so much time yet again, she found the teapot filled with cold water waiting for her in the kitchen. The clock told her it was after midnight. She had forgotten to eat. Tomorrow Clare would announce her idea for a new diet book called The Obsession Diet. She had already lost ten pounds.

The telephone answering machine light was blinking. Tina hit the play button. The first was from Henry. "Tina, where are you? It's been ages and I have some tickets for Moon for the Misbegotten. Call me." The screeching electronic tone replaced Henry's soft voice and Tina thought it would do her good to get out. Maybe after mother recovered, she and Henry might work things out after all. "Tina, Hi sweetie, It's Ruth. Call. Let's do lunch." Tina hit forward. "Tina, I know you're screening calls. It's Henry, pick up." She kept her finger on fast forward, refusing to even hear the other messages. And then the phone rang again. Let the machine get it, Tina thought. She listened while it recorded. "Tina, it's me again. Are you in town? Where are you? We need to talk. I'm being sent to LA tomorrow, damn-it. I'll call when I get back." Henry's voice was again replaced by the high pitched squeal of the answering machine and this time the automaton voice of the answering machine said You have no more messages. Tina dialed Henry's number. Henry's recorded voice was talking to her, "You know how these things work; do your thing." Tina's thing was to hang up.

At four AM, Tina awoke. She knew she would not get to sleep again that night and decided she would get some work done. She threw on a robe and stumbled down the hall. Tina stopped at her mother's door and listened. Hearing nothing, she went downstairs, straight for the study. In the quiet of the early morning, the only sound was the rhythmic pulse of the computer. What during the day seemed like a steady hum really had an oscillation not unlike a beating heart. It both soothed and excited Tina. Ten AM in Zurich, Tina thought as she logged on. Ben's named immediately appeared on the screen. She opened a window to him and typed, "Lover, how did last night go?" And the reply was an angry, "Where were you? I really NEEDED you last night." If she were Clare she would have apologized gently. Nell would have typed, "I was getting laid, Darling." But this was Max, the LA film producer, talking. Max had grown increasingly annoyed with Ben's demands. He did not like having to account for his absences, but more importantly, Ben talked about coming to LA in the late summer and wanted to spend some time with Max in the flesh. Max knew this relationship was impossible. He dreaded the inevitable break up scene and the hurt email that would follow. He hated breakup scenarios so much that he had even considered suicide to end the torment.

Characters had been killed off before. One was an exotic heiress named Elspeth. She had bled to death when an ectopic pregnancy ruptured. A surprising amount of concern was expressed over her death when Nell announced it in a chat room. People had even considered an online memorial service. One man named Daniel had asked Nell to find out where Elspeth's funeral was being held. If he had not been able to meet her in life, he at least wanted to know her after death. Nell had invented Elspeth to get back at Daniel, after he had dumped Nell. Elspeth was going to level Daniel with rejection. Nell was going to gloat. It was fun, at first, for Nell to talk to Daniel as herself and then as Elspeth. Sometimes she created online conversations between Nell and Elspeth that forwarded to Daniel to stir his interest. As Daniel became more mesmerized by Elspeth, Nell wanted to know what it was about her alter ego that so appealed to Daniel. Upon learning how brilliant, attractive and erotic Elspeth was, Nell's jealousy gave her no other choice but to kill off her progeny. Nell cried when she informed Daniel of Elspeth's death. She had learned about it from a mutual friend who worked with Elspeth and the death was a blow to both Nell and Daniel. It brought them closer together and Nell considered confessing her lies to Daniel. Daniel's grief seemed so intense and Nell enjoyed comforting him. She really missed Elspeth. Her friends and her thirteen-year-old daughter had been good company. She missed Elspeth's winter trips to Aspen and her house in the Hamptons. If Daniel had been better able to control his impulses and not fallen in love with Elspeth, Nell never would have had to kill her off. "What's wrong with some of these guys anyway? Don't they know they are falling in love with a bunch of pixels? " Tina wrote to Nell. Tina tried to deny the power of the pixels to Nell but Nell knew better.

"I have not been well," Max typed to Ben. "I have been too sick to be up." He typed a cough. He liked making Ben squirm and whine and he liked even more how simple it was to turn the tables with one quick line. "In fact, I should be in bed right now. Goodnight." Max logged off, swigged some dusty tap water from the cup on the desk. Some time on Saturday, Tina became aware that she had not gotten any work done. She made the others log off so she could get some food in her stomach. She had been all nighters before but this last night felt excessive. She wondered what she would say when Henry asked her how she had been, why she hadn't called him back. She passed the front door and saw that the afternoon mail had been delivered. A card from Henry lay on the parquet floor. She stooped to pick it up and felt dizzy. I'd better check on mother, Tina thought. She went upstairs to say hello to her mother, peeked in and seeing that she was asleep, returned to the main floor, relieved. The temporary sensation of hunger passed and a new one took its place. Tina was at the computer again. Clare logged on and sent retaliatory email to Nell, something about being called a bitch. Nell responded by calling Clare a slut. Soon, too tired to switch to characters, each character began to answer their own emails. By the time the litany of accusations that flew back and forth between the two women stopped, the sky had grown dark again. "Shit," Tina said aloud. "This needs to stop. " But it didn't. Clare still had something to say and Nell was not the sort of person who would ever let another get in the last word. Feeling powerless, Tina watched the war of words continue into the night and long past the hour she knew she needed to go to sleep. When she awoke at her computer, her neck ached and her right arm throbbed. Her unwashed smell was strong and her bladder stung from not being emptied all day. Clare and Nell and Max and Elspeth's dead baby had filled her dreams and upon waking, she wanted them back immediately. One click would bring them back into being. Tina, moving like a marionette, clicked the mouse, typed and hit return. Nell logged on, fired off emails to Clare. She called her a prig. Max was wounded with epithets and even Tina received some emails telling her to "Drop Dead." All attempts to mollify Nell and Clare and Max were futile. The battle among the posters continued until only dawn brought a truce to the voices. Tina did not hear the door bell at 8:00 AM Monday morning. Clare heard it but thought it presumptuous to answer someone else's door. Nell heard it , but wanted to keep the fat cow waiting. Max was about to open the door when Shirley Brown unlocked the door with her spare key. The smell inside the house overwhelmed her and she covered her nose to keep from gagging. She ran through the small vestibule towards upstairs. Returning from the upstairs bedroom, Shirley attempted to get Tina's attention. Tina sat at her computer, staring at a pale gray screen, fingers tapping over the keyboard. Shirley turned off the computer, picked up the phone and dialed a number, "I need an ambulance sent immediately."

dku 2004