SIGH.

There are so many things I don't understand anymore.

I can't understand how things can get so completely terrible between two people in such a short about of time. I can't understand how someone can consider throwing away years of their life with someone else without even trying to fight to save them. I can't understand how the things in my life that I've created, loved and worked for could just be discarded without my consent. I can't understand why any of this stuff is happening at all. People keep telling me that all of this is happening for a reason, but I certainly hope it's a GOOD reason.

However, I do know this: I'm going to be OK. Whatever happens, I'm going to be fine. I might not like the road I have to travel, but I'm going to travel it and I'm going to make the best out of whatever hand I'm dealt. I have people in my life who support me and love me and they will help me through all of this. I have to be strong, so I will be. I have to be smart, so I will be. I have to be forgiving, loving, and be able to deal with things that hurt and disappoint, and I will. There have been times lately that I thought I would just rather be dead than to feel as bad as I had been, but I know that isn't true. I didn't cause any of this, but it affects me and I have to deal with it. I'll be OK. I promise.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I finally got my permanent crown this morning and it feels really weird. It isn't that it doesn't fit, but the tooth that was crowned had a filling in it for about 18 years, so it's strange not to fill the little ridges from that. Also, it doesn't feel all huge and awkward like the temporary crown, so I've got to get used to that too. The lady at the dentist office gave me the mold of my mouth that they used to build the crown, and it's mounted on this hinged, pinchy thing. I'm going to scare the hell out of the dogs with that tonight.

2) I think the SpRocket just got buzzed by some kind of military vehicle or something. I was listening to my iPod and messing around with the computer, when my office started to shake. Something sounded like thunder to begin with, but kept getting louder. Then a huge shadow went past the window. It scared me, so I raised the blind on the window and saw a bunch of camp kids looking over the museum. Whatever flew over was both loud and huge. The SpRocket isn't on a flight path with commercial airplanes because of the Saturn V and Space Shot, but we do get military helicopters doing fly-bys occasionally. If that is what it was, it was probably a Chinook or something. It had to be. No little Blackhawk could have made a sound like that. If it wasn't a helicopter, then somebody's got some 'splaining to do.

3) The licensing guy for the SpRocket has asked me to build a model of a proposed building. I build things like that all of the time, but not from engineering schematics. He talked like it was the easiest thing in the world, but I still had to get my boss to print out the basic shape of it so I could put it together. I hope I don't mess anything up. We are going to be showing it to NASA in hopes that they will give us one of the space shuttles once they are decommissioned.
No pressure, right? Heh...

Just FYI, I'm probably going to be going insane if things don't start getting better soon.

Just wanted to let you guys know that in case you see me on the news. I don't want anyone to think it came out of nowhere.

Nah, I'm doing OK. I'm just confused about everything and where it is going. I'll be alright.

We went to our first counseling session this morning. I wasn't expecting much from the doctor since it was our first time there, but we were able to tell her at least the gist of what was going on. She seemed nice enough and she told us that there were no guarantees, but that it was at least worth it for us to try and work things out. We each have to go to an individual session, which I don't mind so much. I suppose she needs to pick our brains separately so that she will know which one of us is the crazy one. Twenty bucks says it's me. :)

The place we went had a lot of people inside waiting to see their therapists. One guy looked like a biker, and he had a t-shirt on that said "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves." I wonder if he's there for anger management issues. There was also a door marked "Triage" which was a little scary. Why would a counseling center need triage?

So, you know, there's that.

I hate all of this. I. Hate. It.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) To deal with the stress of all that has been going on, my mom gave me a few of her tranquilizers that she got when Papa died. They are surprisingly helpful. I don't take them often, because they are addictive, but when I do I'm nicely un-freaked out. Well, up until later on in the day, and then I start to doze off at my desk and hallucinate people in the hallways. Fun stuff.

2) By the way, thanks to everyone who comes and checks up on me by reading my blog. Sorry there hasn't been much to tell lately, but I've been kind of one track minded lately, so there hasn't been much to say. I will say that our first couple's counseling appointment is Thursday morning, so keep us in your thoughts. No matter what the outcome winds up being, I just want us to be smart about everything and I think a counselor might help to see everything in the right way.

3) I'm tired of this infernal temporary crown. It doesn't fit perfectly, so I always have an aching jaw from clenching my teeth in my sleep. It also looks kind of silly because it's so obviously a fake tooth, but since it's a molar, it isn't too obvious. If I hadn't already paid for the new one, I probably could have gotten a gold toof! It probably would have been cheaper than the one my dentist is making me. I swear, that guy could retired just from the scratch he's made working on my teeth. Boo to expensive dentistry. We've been thinking about getting another dentist who may be on the BCBS preferred list so that we don't have to pay so much. My secret hope is that somewhere in our town there is a Korean dentist named Doctor Hoo. I would SO go to that guy!

4)I wish it would rain already. It's dark and cloudy but it just refuses to rain. My dogs are dirty, dangit! They need rain!

I have a membership with Audible.com, which is where I get the legal copies of audio novels for my iPod. One thing about the MP3s from that particular site always makes me laugh: At the beginning of all of the books, a man with a very cheerful voice comes on and says "This Is Audible."

All I can think is "Yes. Yes it is. I can hear it."

...

Yeah, I know. Sorry, but my sense of humor is mending more slowly than I would like to admit.

Yeah, things are still crappy and I don't have any idea how much security I can have in my future, but when all else fails, there will still be otters. Cute ones. With babies.
That's got to count for something.

I'm still scared.

I wish things would become easier instead of harder.

After taking a long look at things, I've realized that maybe my life hasn't been as good as I thought. I am not unselfish, but I've always thought I tried to be. It turns out that part of this is my fault. Maybe not in the way that Steve chose to deal with things, but if I had been better at being a good wife, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

I know that it isn't as easy as all of that to decide what causes problems, and I can't take 100% of the blame for things falling apart, but I had a hand in it. I just wish I had realized before it came to this.

You know how sometimes you think that things are so bad that they can't possibly get any worse? How you think you are at the complete and utter rock bottom of your life and you don't think that you can go any lower? Well, there is a sub-basement to hell that a lot of people don't know about, but I'm in it right now.

As much as I would like, I can't give details about the things that have been going on in my life lately. Some of you know already, but out of respect for myself and my family, I'm not going to write about them here. All that is important is that I have been lied to, repeatedly betrayed, and emotionally beaten down to a point that I'm not altogether certain that I can come back from. I hurt, not just all over, but inside. I have to make some huge, life-altering decisions that I'm not sure I'm smart enough to make. I'm afraid, sad, angry, hurt, and completely confused at the path my life has taken, and I'm not sure I know how to deal with that.

There is a chance that my marriage can be saved, but I don't know if it will be. All I can do is try and see if anything can be done. I don't want to look back someday and know that I didn't at least give it a shot, but it's going to be so hard. There are certain things that can easily be forgiven, and some things that feel impossible to forgive. I'm sick about all of this, just so damn sick. I'm hurt, and I want to hurt all of the people responsible for it, but I know that isn't good. I want to be forgiving, and kind, and smart about it all, but I just don't know if I can. I have prayed that, and sincerely want that, God's will be done, good or bad, but I'm so afraid I'm not going to know what the right thing to do is. It isn't just my future that is in flux, but Steve's. Whatever he may have done, I have no right to destroy his chance for happiness, and I'm afraid I'll do that too. For the first time in my life, I've just wished I could be dead. I don't want to kill myself, but just not wake up in the morning. I know how that sounds, but it hurts that badly. I don't even know how I feel. Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, and sometimes I just feel defeated. I go in cycles, and I don't know where it will end. I say terrible things, and I cry every day. I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. For the first time in my life, I feel paper thin and easily torn apart, and I don't know how to change it.

Every breath hurts, every thought hurts, and every step I take scares me. I just need prayers from everyone. I already know I have some amazing friends, and I'm so grateful for them. I just want to make the right decisions, and I have no idea what they are yet. I'm so scared.

Just to let you know, I may not be writing very much for the next little while. Bad things have been going on in my life. Life changing, potentially marriage ending, sick to my stomach type things and I am afraid that if I talk about them on such a public forum as this, it'll just make it worse. Some things have to be private, I suppose.

Of course, that's not to say that I definitely won't write on my blog at all. I might think of something fun to write about instead. I hope so.

All I ask is that you pray for me so that I can figure out how to deal with things.

Thanks.

Dear everyone,

I'm officially in hell.

Kelly

Alright...does anyone else want to kick me while I'm down? Anyone? It's the perfect time, so go ahead.

I'd rather just go ahead and have it all at once at this point than have it stretched out. Do me a favor and get it over with.

Thank you.

My Family According To Google Image

I actually stole this from both Amy and Greg, our cousins from the great state of GA. Since I don't know if any of you know what nicknames Steve and I call each other, you may not have a clue what the pictures are supposed to mean. Half the fun is in the guessing, so I won't tell you what they are! :)

Steve:
Me:

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Josh! If you are reading this, could you comment and tell me if the address on the business card you gave me is still the one where you can receive mail? I'd call you, but it makes me nervous to call your place after what you told your other brothers I said about the Catholic stuff.

2) Mr. Fathead Rudepants was back at the gym this morning, but at least he had the decency to ask the lady directly in front of the TV if he could turn it off. He didn't ask me, who was watching the TV, but I have given up on him. If a flashing picture box disrupts his concentration that badly, I can't fault him for turning it off. However, BOO, dude! There is also a new lady who has been coming in that I can't figure out. She is an older lady, possibly in her 60's, who comes in with a androgynous looking person who I still can't figure out for sure, but I think might be a woman. Anyways, this lady always comes in just as I start on the weight machines, and she jumps from machine to machine, doing maybe 5 or 10 pullies, pushies or lifties before she goes on to the next one. I wonder if it's helping her any to do so few reps on the machines. Anyways, she is forevermore getting in my way! I don't meant to be rude or anything, because honestly, it's not a big deal. It's just annoying to walk to the next machine and see her on the one I need, me go on to the next one, and before I can even get the seat adjusted, she is gone and now my list of things I need to do is all out of whack. I was given a list by the trainer, so please don't think I've gone OCD on you or something. Anyway, I dub this lady Old Bunny, because she hops around too much.

3) I have recently been placed in a very awkward position by someone here at work, but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could tell you all what is going on, but I can't. It would just cause undue issues if someone from work found my blog and read it, and too many people I know here know I have a blog. At any rate, it has made me look really terrible and now I have a person I don't even know that well scared of me. I'd like to think I'm a nice enough person that it wouldn't matter what was said about me, but I also know I have the potential to be a psycho-hose beast if I'm rubbed the wrong way, and I can't really deny that. I can say honestly that the scared person had pissed me off, yes, but I was willing to just let it go. All I did was vent to someone I thought I could trust, wasn't even that specific with my issue to him, and then he went and twisted everything I said. It got all blown up and now I have been misrepresented, pissed off again and I am so tired of it all. I'm really too old for drama, and I don't enjoy dealing with it. I'd rather forget that anything happened, forget this person exists, and move on to live long and prosper. I can only hope everyone will let me do this now. PLEASE?

Lovely Day

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) You know how I normally decorate the lobby of the IMAX theater when we have new movies? I try to make it look good, but I can't always do a whole lot because I usually do it on my own, still have to do signs and be on demand for my boss. Well, things have been taken out of my hands, but not off of my shoulders. We will be getting the movie "The Dark Knight" later this month, and we have some serious comic book geeks who work here. Apparently, the went to the CEO and asked if we could make the lobby into the Bat Cave, and he LOVED the idea. No, not just hang a few bats and paint the glass of the booth, but actually make a Bat Cave. I don't even know what that looks like! These people have gone above and beyond anything I could have thought of, but they still want me to help, which appreciate. However, they seem to think that I know exactly what they have in mind, and I've never actually "built" anything very large before. The guy who is ringleader in all of this was asking me questions about things we could use, and I was trying to think and he actually said "You don't have any skills, do you?" I said "What?" not because I didn't hear him, but because I couldn't believe he would say something like that. He said "Nothing" and walked off. He was talking earlier about using paper mache and plaster to make this thing, and I was trying to explain that something like that would take way too long and cost way too much. He didn't really like that, I guess. I'm still in on the project, but I'm going to have to do some research. Bat cave, indeed.

2) My stupid tooth still hurts! Is this normal?

3) One of Steve's friends brought him some orange rolls from All Steak yesterday! They were really for him, but he was nice enough to share. :) You hear that, Josh? Mwahahahahhahahaa!

4) GEEK WARNING! The first half of the season finale of Dr. Who was so very, very awesome. BBC America is officially two episodes behind the showings in England I think, but Steve downloads them so we can keep up. We, along with my Teddy Dalek, watched it on Sunday, and it was so good it made me hate that it won't be back until 2010! Since some of you also watch the show, but are following on BBC America, I don't want to tell you what happened, but here are my reactions throughout the episode so far: YAY! Wait, what? Yay, again! Albinos? NO! What? AWESOME! *Rock & Roll Hand Gesture* Huh? *Dumbstruck Silence* Holy crap! Squeeeeeeeeee! YAY and AWWW! What? No...Nooo....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Best. Episode. Ever.

5) I finally deleted my MySpace account! I wasn't using it anymore, so I felt silly keeping it up. I am officially out of any and all social networking sites! So now if anyone wants me, I'll be here, updating when I feel like it. :)