2007: A RETROSPECTIVE

Last year when I wrote my first year retrospective, I'm afraid I did myself a disservice. I summed up the entire year of 2006 as a year that sucked. Granted, a great deal of things went badly, but I somehow managed to overlook everything good that happened and dwell on all of the unfortunate things that went on. I don't want to do that this time.

I'd like to think that I've grown a bit this past year. Not only emotionally, but spiritually and mentally as well. I'm not going to say that 2007 was a perfect year, because it wasn't. However, that doesn't really bother me when I step back and look at the big picture. I've learned that if every day is perfect, then perfect becomes commonplace. If you never have sadness, you will never know happiness. So yes, a great deal of things sucked this year, but without those things, I don't think I could truly appreciate all of the good things that happened as well.

My 29th birthday came and went, still as disappointing as ever. I'm guessing a lot of my disappointment stems from the fact that I have terribly high expectations when it comes to happiness. Try as hard as I might to have fun, the highlight of my day was a Cracker Barrel hamburger and a nap. But hey, I had another birthday, the hamburger was great, and who doesn't love a mid-day nap?
For the first time in my life I traveled alone, flying from Huntsville to Miami to visit my friend in the hospital. Yes, I got trapped in the Charlotte airport for 14 hours all alone, but I learned that I am not as helpless as I once was. I not only made it to Miami successfully (if not a little later than I thought I would), but I got to visit my miracle friend and made it home all in one piece!
I graduated in May, which was fantastic, and my parents and some of my best friends in the world were there to see me get my diploma. Mom and dad were so proud of me, since I was the first person in our family to get a degree. My dad even kept the picture of him, mom and me on his desk at work, and the picture of me holding my diploma in a frame on his night stand. If nothing else in the world had happened, I'm so glad that my father got to see that and had the chance to be so proud of me.
I got to visit New Orleans, LA; Texas, Nevada, Utah and a bit of Arizona. All of these places were as hot as hades, but totally worth the sweat and fear of prehistoric plastic scorpions!
My father passed away, and try as I might, I just can't find the silver lining in that. I miss him so much every day. I hate seeing my mom so miserable and my family seems to be so lost without him sometimes. But, I honestly believe that all things happen for a reason, even if we aren't told what it is. However, when he died, I realized how many people in my life are willing to stand by me and prop me up. Friends came with food and flowers, a shoulder to cry on, a card with a note of support in it, a joke to make me laugh, and one or two of them were just there for whatever I needed. I can't even express how much all of that meant to me then, and still means to me now.
I've made some new friends and I've lost a few. I even have some friends who seem to be waiting patiently by the door holding my hat and coat, ready for me to leave, but not willing to ask me to go. Josh moved off to Colorado to become a priest and I miss him terribly. Even though I'd have him back if I could, I'm so proud he's finally found his calling. He's neither lost nor here, but I didn't know what category to put him in.
I have had to face the fact that some things are just out of my hands. No matter how much I want something to happen, or don't want it to, there are just some things that I can't do anything about. I'm still struggling to deal with that, but maybe in 2008 I will come to some sort of peace with it. I also know what it feels like for your heart to completely break. That sounds melodramatic, I suppose, but that isn't a lie or an exaggeration. I hope it heals one day, even if the cracks still show. Hopefully if it does, the memory of how much it hurt will only make me more grateful that it is fixed.

So there you go, folks. My 2007. I have been blessed, very blessed as well as tried and beaten down. I hope you have been just as fortunate as I have.

2006: A "What Now" Retrospective.

If I were a chicka of few words, I could sum up my thoughts on 2006 in three words:


This Year Sucked.


However, I am not a chicka of few words PLUS I'm sure several of you are probably saying to yourselves, "Wha? She's kidding, right? This year has been so great I've been puking rainbows each month!" Well, for some of you, that may be true. For me, not so much.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me and tell me to get over it, let me just say this: Yes, I know it could be worse. It's not as bad as it could get, and I understand that clearly. In fact, I know even through all of the suckage, that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. So please spare me the lectures on that, because you know what? I already know. You know what else? My year still sucked.

So why did my year suck?

This year I had to deal with the deaths of two very special people in my life. I was actually there when one of them died, and I found out that death isn't peaceful, it isn't beautiful, and no matter how much better off they may be, it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye.

I've had to watch people I love dearly suffer, and there was nothing I could do to make things better. For someone who always wants to make things better, that is a jagged pill to swallow. Sometimes you just can't do anything, and that kind of helplessness is painful. I've also learned that being the person who always wants to make things better, sometimes makes people think that you don't need help yourself. They think you will be okay, so they don't ask you how you are, or offer sympathy, or give you a shoulder to cry on. Let me be the one to say, that isn't true. Even the most cheerful seeming person still hurts.

I've found out that no matter how much you love someone and do things to make them happy, sometimes they take and never give back. They look at you like you're a vending machine and all they have to do is push a button to get what they want. They never think about who's going to restock it once it's empty.

I've learned that sometimes you have to smile, even when someone is hurting you, because if they find out that you feel anything other than perfect contentment, they will drop you like a hot rock. I've also learned that even though you know this about them, you do it willingly because they are still important to you. In a way, that makes it worse.

I've found out that sometimes I hurt people and don't even realize it. Having an opinion and telling it isn't always the best way to handle a situation.

Sometimes your own brain can confuse you to the point where you think your going crazy.
Sometimes you don't know how to tell people how you feel.
Sometimes people just don't care how you feel, even when they tell you they do, even when they convince themselves that they do. Actions will always speak louder than words.

Sometimes people forget you. Replace you. Don't need you anymore. Ignore you. Sometimes you become invisible, no matter how hard you try not to.

My doctor wouldn't listen to me when I told him I thought something was wrong. I almost drove my car into the side of a building...so I got a second opinion. Three months later I was put on medicine to correct a chemical imbalance that had me convinced that no one would miss me if I were to die.

I've known these things before, but I hadn't had to deal with them all at once until this year. So yeah, my year sucked.

However, there were some good things. Don't get me wrong, every single day wasn't utter crap. In fact, there were periods of time where I was actually happy.

I know this isn't my usual happy-go-lucky kind of post, and I'm sorry. However, I just wanted to vent.

Here's hoping 2007 is better, for me anyway! For all of you who've been puking rainbows, may your year be even better.

Cheers.