by Warboss Gnarkbag
This is a long one folks, but I
promise you that it was a titanic battle and worth the read. Be
sure to at least check the Epilogue for the really important
stuff...
WARBOSS GNARKBAG AND DA MASSIVE ORCY WAAAAGGGHH
EPISODE VII
"DA WAAAAGHH TA END ALL WAAAAGHHS"
"The Idol of Gork? I thought that was a Myth!" Young
Prince Heinrik's tone was scoffing as he refilled his wine
goblet, passing the bottle on to one of the other
nobles who had gathered in his father's library after the feast.
"It's no myth." came a harsh voice from the corner. All
conversation immediately stopped, and Heinrik realized that it
was one of the palace guard who had
spoken. He was one of the older ones - or at least he looked that
way. His face had several scars and one of his eyes was missing.
"It's not a myth," he repeated,
"I've seen that cursed thing."
Heinrik raised a curious eyebrow. "Indeed? And just where
did you see this Relic of Doom, I might ask?"
"Was ten years past now. Most folks got no idea how close
the disaster was, but you ask the Dwarfs - up in the mountains
there was an Orc Warlord -
murderously huge thing - an it went on a rampage agains all
comers. Pounded the Dwarfs something feirce - one army after
another."
Henrik looked towards Garrik Greybeard, visiting from Karak Morn.
The old Dwarf was giving the guardsman a hard look over his mug
of ale. "And how
would you know so much about it?" he snapped.
"I was with Gunderson's Border Brigade. We caught wind of
what was going on and realized that within a month the Orcs would
be down off the mountains
and into Ostermark."
"Then why did no one come to our aid?!" shouted the
Dwarf Lord
"You have no idea what we did. There was another threat - a
Chaos Host come down out of Kislev at the same time. The Empire
could have been smashed from
two sides at once. No time to send for reserves. So Commander
Gunderson came came up with a plan. Half of us went to meet the
Orcs, and half of us went to
meet the Horde from the North. The idea was to draw the two
armies into each other's path. Maybe they could do the fighting
for us. I was with the group that
went north. Only about a dozen of us survived, but those Chaos
Fiends chased us almost all the way to the mountains. I never saw
Commander Gunderson or
any of his party alive again, but when we got to the foothills,
the Orcs were there. And they had IT with them."
"The Idol of Gork?" asked prince Heinrik.
"Aye. A huge mound of mud and dung and bones, shaped like an
Orc's head with one great blood ruby the size of a shield for an
eye. They carried it before 'em
on a platform held up by 4 enourmous Orcs. The thing glowed with
an eerie green light, and the sky was dark and thunderous
overhead. The other men and I
hid on a nearby Hilltop to watch the battle... and you just be
thankful that no army of Man ever had to face off against those
Orcs..."
DA GREAT BIG BATTLE:
The Orcs are the greatest army to play in Warhammer, and here's
why:
This was a gigantic battle between 4000 pts of Orcs and 4000 pts
of Chaos Warriors. There were 2 fellows playing the chaos
warriors, and me and one other
fellow playing the orcs (actually, I played the orcs, he played
the goblins). I honestly thought going into this that the Orcs
were going to get pounded - I knew
that my opponent was going to be bringing Chaos Trolls, Dragon
Ogres, a Chaos Dragon, and of course lots of Warriors and Chaos
Knights Knights with 1+
saves. (Ugh!) I wracked my brain for a sound strategy, but the
only good idea I could come up with was to create a model of an
Idol of Gork, carried on a
palaquin by Bearers like a Mage-priest, paint and outfit it in
typical orcy fashion, and hope that Gork was watching and came to
my aid. The insane and
wonderful thing is that this strategy worked.
Because this battle was so large, rowdy and chaotic, this report
can't hope to be very accurate. I'll do my best, but my apologies
for any vagueness,
inconsistencies, or outright errors, and I'll try to hit the most
entertaining highlights.
DA FORCES:
Waaaggghh Gnarkbag was at it's most huge yet. Here's a rough
breakdown:
Warboss Gnarkbag (Orc Warlord) w/ Fumpa's Club of Fumpin,
Ironskin Shield
Umrot da BSB w/ the Banner of Butchery
leading 34 Biguns w/ spear/shield/lt armor. This unit contained
the "Idol of Gork" Model.
Spike's Mob: 36 Orcs w/ extra hand weapons, full command
Sharkfang's Mob: 20 ORcs w/ extra Hand Weapons, Full Command
Ragfat's Mob: 16 Orcs w/ Extra Hand WEapons, full command
Craknek's Mob: 20 Black Orcs w/ Great Weapons, full command
Dedeye's Mob: 15 Arrer Boys
Lefty's Mob: 15 Arrer Boys
Stonky's Mob: 30 Night GObbos w/ 2 Netters, spears, full command
Spooky's Mob: 40 Night Goblins w/ 2 netters, 3 fanatics, full
command
Shootygrots: 3 units of 20 Night Goblins w/ bows, 3 fanatics
each.
Snigga's Ardgrotz - 20 goblins w/ lt armor, shld & HW, full
command
Snikka's Wolfboyz - 12 Wolfriders w/ spear/shld/full command
Nikka's Wolfboyz - 12 wolfriders w/ spear/shld/full command
Rollin' Thunda - 1 Orc Boar Chariot
Greasy Lightnin' - 1 Gobbo Wolf Chariot
Da Hands of Gork - 2 Rock Lobbas w/ Bullies
Da Loonie Lobba - 1 Doom Diver
3 Trolls
Torg the Giant
Rumshag - lvl 3 Orc Shaman
Skort and Splort - 2 level 2 Night Gobbo Shamans
All told, about 350 models fo Raw Waaaggghh!!
The Chaos Host, mostly Slaaneshi but with a Little Khorne mixed
in for laughs, was roughly the FOllowing:
Chaos Lord (General) on steed leading 9 Chaos Knights (Khorne),
full command
Chaos Sorcerer Lord on Steed leading 9 Chaos Knights (Slaanesh),
full command
Chaos Lord on Chaos Dragon
6 Chaos Trolls
4 Dragon Ogres
2 units of 6 Chaos Hounds
2 CHaos Spawn
1 unit of 20 Marauders, full command
3 Units of 15 Chaos Warriros w/ chaos sorcerers, full command
2 CHaos Chariots
As you can see, the Chaos forces were extremely outnumbered. I
started to have hope.
DA BATTLEFIELD:
the Table was 4' x 8'. Chaos Sets up in the North and the Orcs in
the South. In the Dead center of the table is a very small hill.
On the Eastern Table Edge Near
the Orcs is a large wood. In the ORcs deployment Zone in the west
is a very Large 2-teired hill. In the North-west Corver ins a
small hill with a Wood on it.
DEPLOYMENT:
Deploying the Orcs is a Nightmare. All of the Artillery and the
Orc Arrer Boys Go onto or just below the Hill. West of the HIll
are the Ardgrotz, Spooky's lads,
and Nikka's wolfs. In the Center is the Trrolls and Gnarkbag,
then Ragfat, then Craknek, Spike, then Sharkfang, then stonky,
then Snikka. Stretched out in a
Long single-rank line are the three units of shootygrotz - 60 in
all. Torg is standing around somewhere in the middle. The Shamen
mill about, trying to stay near
other units. The Orc deployment stretches from edge to edge -
there is no flank to speak of. Eight full feet of Waaagghh! I
have pictures of this and it looks as
ridiculous as it sounds.
The Chaos Forces Put the Dragon in the West, along with the
Chariots, one unit of warriors, and one unit of Hounds. In the
Center is the Chaos Trolls, another
unit of hounds, the General and his Knights, and another 2 Units
of Warriors, In the East are the Dragon Ogres, another Unit of
Knights with the Sorcerer Lord,
and on the Far Eastern Flank are the 2 spawn and the Marauders.
The Orcs win the first turn. We decide that we want the last turn
of the battle - so we defer to Chaos.
CHAOS TURN 1:
The Hounds move forward, trying to draw out fanatics. The Dragon
flies along the Western edge, stopping 9" from Spooky's
lads. The Dragon Ogres advance
on the Eastern Lines. The Marauders and spwn advance in and
around the wood.
In the Magic Phase, there are several attempts at spells. For
most of the game they have 10 casting dice to our 6 dispel dice,
and we have 9 casting dice to their 7
dispel dice. They get off a Conflagration of Doom that kills a
couple of Gnarkbag's ladz before it stops.
ORCS TURN 1:
Right off the bat, there are two failed animosity tests (not bad
considering that we have about 13 tests!) Lefty's boyz decide
they don't like Dedeyes' lads, and
shoot a few of them in the back. One of the Shootygrot units also
starts to squabble. The trolls go stupid and shamble forward a
bit.
Snikka and the chariots move up to bolster the flank, but the
presence of the spawn dna the marauders prevents them from doing
much.
Spooky's boys move up and release their fanatics at the dragon -
sadly, none of them make it into contact.
In the Magic phase Gork is already showing his blessing. We have
drawn an excellent selection of spells, including: Hand of Gork,
Waaaggh, Gork's Warpath,
Mork Save Uz, Eadbutt and Brain Bursta. The Dragon feels the Foot
of Gork first, and suffers a slight wound. Gork then slips and
hits some gobbos, but does
little damage. Other spells are dispelled.
In the SHooting Phase, most of the CHaos hounds are brought down
by arrow fire and a Stone Thrower. The dragon is wounded again,
but only slightly.
CHAOS TURN 2:
The remaining CHaos hound (there is 1 left) releases some
fanatics along the front lines. The Chaos Line starts to surge
forward, and one of the Chariots heads
off towards the western flank. The Marauders and Spawn continue
to dog the East. The dragon flies behind spooky's lads.
Another Conflagration burns one of the shootygrots units into
cinders and they panic, but do not leave the table.
ORCS TURN 2:
Spooky's lads turn to face the dragon, hoping for a waagghh to go
off. Nikka's Lads move into the path of the Chariot, and One of
the Shootygrot units does a
"we'll show 'em" forward a bit. Snikka moves into the
woods, trying to counter the Marauders.
The dragon roars and Bellows, but the Holy Light of Gork is in
these' Gobbos Eyes, and The Dragon only manages to terrorize the
Ardgrotz into running.
Shootygrotz release fanatics at the Dragon Ogres, one goes
through them, but the Ogres are nimble for their size and get out
of his way.
The Magic phase is uneventful, as the Chaos sorcerers burn the
last of their dispel scrolls.
The Artillery all shoots at the dragon, wounding again. It's very
close to going down, but it's not out yet!
CHAOS TURN 3:
The Chariot charges Nikka's Lads, breaking them off the table! A
group of warriors charges into Spooky, but they stop 'em ded and
hold their ground! The
Dragon Ogres Charge the Eastern Shootygrots, but are brought up
short by the release of More fanatics. The Slaanesh Knights are
now having trouble
navigating through the spinning loonies, and have to do a lot of
fancy maneuvers just to get away from them.
The Khorneate Knights are moving forward with their Cohort of
Trolls and Warriors, looking for an opportunity to charge but
wary of the Nearby Giant. They
are almost in range.
The Dragon Flies up on the Artillery Hill. One of the Lobba Crews
panics and runs from the ferocious beast, as does one of the
units of Arrer Boyz. The
Dragon tries to toast the war-machine crews, but doesn't manage
to kill them all, for Gork is confouding the beast, and it's
warp-addled brain can't understand
why it keeps rolling 1's.
The Slaaneshi Sorcerer Lord Miscasts and ends his magic phase.
Great is Gork!
ORCS TURN 3:
The Gobbos are in disarry but trying to recover. The Ardgrotz
rally at the table edge.
The Two chariots attempt to charge one of the spawn, but the
gobbos loose their nerve at the last moment and the orcy chariot
goes in alone. It gets soundly
thumped and is destroyed.
Fanatics scream this way and that, several getting in front of
Gnarkbag. One fanatic plows into the Slaaneshi Knights, reducing
their number by half!
Gnarkbag decides to see what the giant can do - he sends him in a
charge on the one unit of Chaos warriors. Torg runs in, thumps
one with a club, the realizes
that he's outnumbered and runs like hell!
The last lobba looses one last stone at the Dragon - it's so
close now that it has to do an overhand lob! - but it misses by a
mile. the Doom Diver also tries to hit
but misses. The Arrer Boys who were running decide to rally while
the other turn to face an approaching chariot.
There are several spell attempts, but nothing sticks.
Spooky is still hanging there with the chaos warriors, but the
other chariot has returned to the table and will be charing him
in the flank at any moment.
The Battle is really starting to heat up now!
CHAOS TURN 4!:
CHarges all along the table! THe Dragon Ogres Charge One Unit of
Shootygrots! A CHariot Charges the Arrer Boys and another hits
Spooky's boys in the
side. One of the Spawn hits the Wolf chariot. The Dragon Charges
the Last remaining Lobba.
The Slaaneshi Knights are manouvering for a charge that avoids
annoying fanatics. Their Sorcerer, meanwhile, decides to jump out
of the unit and take cover
behind a nearby rock. The Khornate Knights move into Charge Range
of Gnarkbag's unit!
The Chariots do their job and break both spooky and the Arrer
Boys, running them down. One Follows up into the Doom Diver on
the Hill.
The Dragon Ogres tear right through the shootygrotz and follow up
into Spike's ladz! The Spawn eats the wolf chariot, panicking
Snikka's boys! THe Dragon
Eats the Cariot Crew and follow up into some of the Arrer Boys!
Things look Grim!
ORCS TURN 4:
GORK shows his mighty hand!!! The Ardgrots Move to threaten the
Chaos Warriors who just did in Spooky. Snikka Ralys at the table
edge. Sharkfang
wheels around to the flank of the Dragon Ogres but can't quite
connect. Gnarkbag marches right up to the Khornate Chaos Knights
and Laughs.
WAAAAAGGGHHH!!! Rumshag casts with Irresistable Force!!! the
Ardgrots hit the warrios, Sharkfang hits the Dragon Ogres, Stonky
Hits a spawn, and
Gnarkbag hits the Chaos Knights! There is carnage up and down the
line. The Ardgrots break and run down the Chaos Warriors. The
Dragon Ogres lose the
combat but stay stuck in. Gnarkbag challenges the Chaos Lord and
wounds him. THe CHaos Knight strikes back and wounds 4 times...
but Gnarkbag saves all
of them with a 4 rolls of 6!!!, and his unit tears up the
Knights. The Chaos Knights Break!!! They get away, but the CHaos
trolls run for it and Gnarkbag follow
up into a group of chaos warriors. Ragfat covers Gnarkbag's rear.
CHAOS TURN 5:
The 4 remaining Slanneshi Kngihts finally get their act together
and charge the last of the shootygrots, who fold like oragami.
They follow up into Craknek's
boys.
Meanwhile the boys have wrapped around the dragon ogres. Heavy
fighting on both sides sees the ogres running for the hills! the
lads pursue but can't catch
them.
The Dragon runs off a batch of the Arrer boys and looks to
Gnarkbag's rear!
Though the Khornate Knights rally, Gnarkbag tears through the
intervening chaos warriros and runs them off.
ORCS TURN 5:
In a fatal stroke, Gnarkbag's lads start to squabble! They are
stranded in front of the chaos Chaos Knights! This will cost the
Orcs total victory.
However, all is not lost! Rumshag manages to get off Gork's
Warpath with irresistable force! 1...2...3...4...5...6 times the
foot of Gork comes down on the chaos
lines! The Dragon is squashed flat! THe Knights are wounded! The
Sorcerer Lord gets his! The Dragon Ogres are wounded! the spawn
are squashed! GREAT
IZ GORK!
CHAOS TURN 6:
The Khornate Knights charge!! Once again a challenge is given...
Gnarkbag is wounded this time! THe lads stand firm, however.
ORCS TURN 6: One Final WAAAAGGHHH goes off with Irresistable
force. Spike's lads come to Craknek's defense, and the Slaaneshi
Knights are sent
packing. The last unit of Chaos warriors is broken by Ragfat.
However, in one final act of defiance, the Khornate Chaos Lord
Strikes Gnarkbag down! As the great orc falls over, Umrot thinks
he hears his boss mutter
"Awright, we'll call it a draw."
His ladz are unnerved and Gnarkbag's boys are run down by the
Knights.
Final result when the points are totaled: almost exactly a draw.
Each side has suffered almost 3000 pts in casualties.
EPILOGUE:
...The room was hushed as the old guardsman finished his tale.
Heinrik cleared his throat nervously. "So... both forces
were stopped? That waaagghh is gone
for good?"
"Well," said the Guardsman, "The Chaos host turned
right back around and left, and the Orcs headed back to the
hills. The next day we looked through the
wreckage of the battle, trying to find the body of the warboss...
they don't bury their dead, you know. The thing is... we couldn't
find him. And we didn't find the
idol either."
"Perhaps the Chaos band took it with them?" asked
Heinrik.
"I don't think so. They left in a powerful hurry. It's been
ten years since this happened, and the Mountains have been quite,
but... with the Orcs, you never can
tell..."
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS...
"So Boss - wen we gonna go back an' krump sum more
stunties?"
"Dunno, Spike. Me 'ead don't 'urt so much any more. Mebbe
'fursday? Oi fink i've 'ad enuf uv a vacation."
"Roight! Wot you gonna do if ya meets dat Korny bugger
again?"
"Zoggin' 'Ell! I'll nail iz 'ead to da floor!! Har
har!"
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE REAL WORLD...
When I first brought the "Idol of Gork model into the shop,
everyone looked at it and said "What does it do?". I
just laughed and said "It's the Idol of Gork! I
don't know what it does."
At the end of the day, no one was asking that question anymore!
Apparently, the Idol of Gork allows me to roll sixes with
impunity, confound my enemy's
magic phase, hex his dice, and and win combats even against
unbelieveable odds. At one point my opponents said to me
"Will you start playing Warhammer
and stop playing Yahtzee!!"
I don't think I can possibly capture in words the absolute
thrashing that the Orcs gave the Chaos hosts in this battle. One
of my opponents said that it was close
to the least fun game he'd ever played. The dice simply favored
me at almost every turn (with one fatal exception) and the
Waagghh just rolled on and on,
especially in the magic phase! I swear I could feel the waaaagghh
myself there for a moment. Spells of the Big waaaagghh are
incredibly powerful and
incredibly fun - it's a good thing I don't use them that often!
Meanwhile, this is probably the finest ending to a long series of
victories that I could have imagined. I have decided to give the
orcs a little holiday, as they go
back to the mountains to lick their wounds, heal their boss, and
rebuild their idol. I figure after yesterday's performance I can
only lose horribly for a while, and
it's about time I whipped that empire army of mine into shape,
anyway.
So dear readers, until next time: May the Waaaaaggghh be with
you!
GORK!
Sir Robert