by Warboss Gnarkbag
Episode III
"Da Onlie Good Stunty..."
Gardor Silveraxe was still drawing pints for the inevitable
victory party when the door to the great hall burst open. In
stomped Balor Roundhelm at the head of a large number of
clansmen.
"Back so soon, chief?" asked Gardor as he proffered the
ale he was holding. "Those dammned orcs must not have put up
much of a fight!"
Balor swiped the pint from his hand and downed it in one
ferocious gulp. He then muttered something under his breath about
"last time I turn to Bretonnians for help" and was off
to draw another drink
from the keg straight away. Gardor was staring after him with a
puzzled expression when a shout rang out from the entrance -
"Bring forth the book of Grudges!!!"
Struggling into the hall were a gang of troll-slayers with gore
in their beards. On their shoulders they bore the moaning and
bandaged form of Master-Runesmith Darrent, and behind them were
the
blackened and limping forms of several war-machine crewmen.
"What the hell happened!?!" shouted Gardor.
"Where's the Organ gun? Where's the cannon? Where's the
Anvil of Doom?!?"
All he got in answer was Balor's hand on his shoulder. His face
was stern and in a grave voice he said "I think we're going
to need a lot more beer."...
DA GRUDGE OF DA STUNTIES
This was 2000 pt battle fought in a rocky mountain pass. A clan
of Dwarven miners and artificers have decided to rout Gnarkbag's
orcs out of the area with a stunning display of war-machine
might.
Just in case, they've brought along a lance of Bretonnian Knights
and a Bretonnian Sorcerer to boot. Little did they know that
Gnarkbag has a war-macine of his own!
WAAAAAGGHHH GNARKBAG
The assembled might of Gnarkbag's Host:
Warboss Gnarkbag with armor of fortune, sheild, Flail of Skulls
Umrot the BSB Lt Armor, Shield, Sword of Bork
WarBoss' Mob - 18 Big Un's with Lt Armor, Sheild, & Spears,
musician, BSB
Da Stoopid Trollz - 3 Stone Trolls
The Dirty Underwear Mob - 6 Arrer Boyz
The Twangerz - 6 arrer Boyz
Big Boss Sharkfang - with Bone Blade
Shakrfang's Mob - 15 Orcs with extra hand weapons, standard,
musician
Spike's Mob - Spike the Boss orc plus 15 Orcs with extra hand
weapons, Standard & Musician
Snikker's Ladz - Goblin Big Boss on wolf plus 13 Wolf Boyz with
Sheilds, Spears,Standard, Musician
Rumshag the Shaman - with Rod of Power, Spells: "Gaze of
Mork", "Waaaagh!"
Da Black Hands - 12 BLack Orcs plus boss with extra hand Weapons
Stonky'z Gitz - Gobbo Big Boss leading 29 Night Goblins with
Shield, Lt armor, Spears, standard & Musician. 2 Fanatics,
one with Madcap Mushrooms
Da Shootygrotz - 20 Gobbos with short bows, boss, standard,
musician.
And Finally - Da Hand of Gork - small rock lobber with 3 crew
(Great is Gork!)
ROUNDHELM CLAN
(I never saw my opponent's armylist so this is based on my
recollection)
Dwarven General with various runic items
One unit of about 20 clansmen w/ stand & Musician
One unit of about 10-12 trollslayers
One unit of 10 thunderers
One Organ Gun
One Cannon
One Bolt-Thrower
One Gyrocopter
The Anvil of Doom
One Bretonnian Grail Hero leading 9 Knights of the Realm
One Bretonnian Sorcerer
DEPLOYMENT
The battlefield is 4' x 6' running East-West lengthwise, with
Dwarves on the North and Orcs on the South. On the Dwarven Side
there wre 2 hills. The orc side had one large hill with a lot of
hard
cover on it. On the west side in the middle of the "no man's
land" was a large butte.
The Dwarves Set up the Organ Gun and the Bolt Thrower on the
small hill to the East, and the cannon on the taller hill to the
west. The Gyrocopter hid behind the larger hill. The thunderers
deployed
near the base of the western hill, and the rest of the troops
squeezed into the pass between them.
The orcs set up the "Hand of Gork" on top of the
Eastern fortified hill, along with the Twangers and the Dirty
Underwear mob. Da Shootygrotz deployed on the far eastern flank
next to the hill.
On the far west flank was Snikker and his wolf-boyz, with
Sharkfang's mob close by. In the Center was Gnarkbag's command
mob flanked by the Trolls and Stonky's gobbos, with Spike's Mob
and
the Black Hand following up in the rear. Rumshag took up position
near Sharfang's mob.
Gnarkbag Steps up to shout a mighty "WWAAAAGGHHH!" to
his troops, but his inspirational speech is drowned out by
cannon-fire.
DA BATTLE
DWARVES TURN 1
Balor Roundhelm shouts "Rain Death on the savages! All guns
Open Fire!" and his troops do their best to obey. Everyone
holds fast except the gyrocopter, which careens up to Snikker's
Wolfboyz.
The Cannon speaks and the Organ Gun fires three barrels, both
aimed at Gnarkbag's unit. Quite a few Orcs fall to the barrage,
but his lads hold firm. Unfortunately, the Bolt thrower crew
seems to
have started the victory celebrations a little early, and they
prove that you shouldn't drink while loading. When the windlass
is released the bolt pops straight up into the air and lands in
the grass behind
them (rolled a 1). The crew-cheif's face reddens a bit to match
his nose, and he puts down his beer to reload.
The Steam Cannon on the Gyrocopter is dammned effective, though,
and cooks most of Snikker's ladz. They decide that the rest of
the Boyz can get along fine without 'em and high-tail it off the
field.
The Thunderers hit a bit but fail to wound.
Very little happens in the magic phase.
ORCS TURN 1
When the smoke clears and the noise dies down, Gnarkbag shouts
"MASH DA STUNTY GITS!!!". However, his troops seem to
be a little confused under fire. Stonky's ladz squabble about
wether
it's really safe to march into a cannon emplacement, and the
trolls stare stupidly at the shot sailing through the air.
Spike's boyz somehow decide that the best way to get the trolls
moving is to stick them
a few times with their swords, and the trolls take a wound.
Thankfully, Sharkfang's contempt gets the better of him. He
shout's "Let's show 'em how it's done, Ladz!!" and his
unit runs madly at the
Gyrocopter. The copter pilot decides that he'd rather not get
pulled down by a gang of rabid orcs, and he flees back towards
the dwarven lines. The Black orcs move up behind Stonky's lads,
trying to
get them to move.
Gnarkbag moves his lads out a bit and Sharkfang continues
marching after the rapidly retreating copter. The Shootygrotz
march towards the Dwarven Bolt thrower and the Arrer Boyz all
come down
the hill a bit so that they're within range.
"Lob da Stone!" shouts Gnarkbag, and the Rock Lobber
crew cranks back the windlass. The dwarven war-machine crews all
jeer and laugh at the primitive device as the arm is cocked back
and the
stone hurled. The Organ-Gun crew is still discussing how they
would improve the design when a giant boulder, under divine
guidance from Gork, crashes down on their technological marvel
and
reduces it to a pile of technological trash! All but one of the
crew are killed as the machine is smashed into scrap! The nearby
Bolt-thrower crew is so stunned that they barely notice as one of
them falls
over with an Orcy arrow in his back.
Rumshag and the Bretonnian Sorcerer (whom we'll call Tim from
here on in) trade magical blows, but it comes to naught.
DWARVES TURN 2
Balor is disturbed by the loss of his organ gun, but he shouts
"Fire again! Fire all weapons!!". The Gyrocopter
rallies to face Sharkfang's boyz again. The Knights and the
Dwarven infantry cautiously
advance towards the stalled Orcy line.
The Cannon shoots towards Gnarkbag's Unit again, but overshoots
slightly and only wounds one of the Big Ladz, then takes out a
few gobbos. The loss is hardly noticed. The Bolt thrower crew,
suddenly sobered, carefully loads another bolt and takes aim at
the approaching Shootygrotz. "This time we'll show those
buggers!" mutters the crew cheif. "Give 'em the
shaft!" The blot thrower is
loosed with an impressive "Twanggggg", but the bolt
once again flips up out of it's seat and flies harmlessly
backwards over the crew's heads. (rolled another 1) "Should
have stood in bed" mutters the
crew chief.
The thunderers open fire again and one of Spike's lads goes down,
but nobody liked him much anyway.
Once again Tim and Rumshag are pretty much deadlocked, despite
the extra magic cards tim is storing in the Anvil of Doom.
ORCS TURN 2
"Ere we go, lads!!" shouts Gnarkbag, "Get back in
line!!"
Sharkfang once again charges at the copter, which once again
decides to flee rather than get pulverized. It stops behind the
large hill, just shy of the table edge. The Shootygrotz move
forward towards
the bolt-thrower to improve their range.
Stonky's lands, the Trolls, and Spike's Boys move up some more
and Gnarkbag gets his line back into decent shape, but he sees
the Knights ahead and is worried. "Krump da
Bucketheads!" he shouts
to the Lobba crew.
The Dwarves and Knights hold their breath as once more a giant
stone is hurled high into the air towards the Bretonnians. A
collective sigh of relief is let out as the stone sails
harmlessly over the heads
of the knights, deviating from its target quite a large
distance... right onto the head of the Master Runesmith. Great is
Gork! The Runesmith is smashed flat , the Anvil is broken into a
million pieces and
his honor guard are hit by the shrapnel! Once again, the dwarves
are so horrified that they don't notice when massed orc and
goblin fire brings down another of the Bolt Thrower crew.
Rumshag manages to use the Gaze of Mork on Tim, but one wound
isn't enough to do him in.
DWARVES TURN 3
Balor realizes that he's running out of options. "Alright,
sound the advance!" he barks out. The Gyrocopter once again
rallies at the table edge.
The Bretonnians charge, thundering hooves, pennants flapping in
the wind as they bear down on the Big Uns. However, just as they
are about to hit Gnarkbag's unit like... well, like a heavy
cavalry
charge, two fanatics are hurled into their path by Stonky's mob.
The fanatics fall harmlessly short, however, despite stalling the
Bretonnian advance.
The Cannon shoots at the trolls, putting a large hole in one of
them. However, he gets back up, covers the hole with a bit of
dirt and twigs, and keeps marching.
The Bolt thrower crew-chief is joined by the last member of the
Organ gun crew as they try to get the Bolt thrower working
properly again. They re-check the machine, carefully seat the
bow, and bring
it to bear on the Goblin archer unit. The cord is loosed, and the
bolt hurtles forward... and buries itself in the ground a scant 5
feet from the dwarves (rolled a 2). The crew chief mutters
"not my day...
not my day... not my day..."
Rumshag and Tim engage in a mental duel, and rumshag takes a
wound himself.
ORCS TURN 3
Things are really beginning to heat up now! The two fanatics spin
themselves into the dirt, and prove almost useless. Sharkfang
leads his boys up the hill that the cannon is on. Gnarkbag falls
back
slightly, ordering Stonky's unit forward to accept the Bretonnian
Charge. The Black Hand is right behind them in reserve. Spike's
mob rushes towards the thunderers. The Gobbo Archers and the
Arrer boyz move up again. The Trolls wheel on the Knight's flank.
The Lobber tries to hit the Knights again, but falls harmlessly
wide.
Shooting accomplishes nothing.
Rumshag and Tim have another mental duel, and this time Tim gains
the upper hand. Rumshag is knocked flat by the force of Tim's
mind and spends the rest of the battle passed-out under a rock.
DWARVES TURN 4
The Heavily Armored and mounted Knights BRAVELY and HEROICALLY
charge the weedy night gobbos. The Slayers and Clansmen move up
to support them.
The Thunderers decide to take the initiative and Charge Spike's
Ladz, but the combat is inconclusive.
The Cannon, realizing the nearby danger, shoots at Sharkfang's
unit but only knocks down one of them as the shot goes slightly
wide.
The Bolt thrower cheif gives his war-machine a good sound whack
with a very large hammer, and it finally decides to start
behaving. His next bolt skewers several gobbos, but they refuse
to panic.
The Knights break the Gobbos handily, but their pursuit is
interrupted by the stern Black Hand Mob. They are now exposed to
charge on two sides.
Tim decides to help out the cannon crew and casts
"Destruction" on Sharkfang's mob, doing enough wounds
to panic them off the hill.
ORCS TURN 4
Gnarkbag's mob charges the Knights in the side and the Trolls
charge them in the rear. Sharky rallies his mob at the base of
"Hamburger Hill". The Dirty Underwear Mob decides that
they aren't
satisfied with the way the twangers have been shooting, and they
show their displeasure by loosing arrows into the Twangerz'
backs. Only one of the Twangers actually has to sit down
afterwards, and
their shooting does not improve.
The Lobber tries to hit the cannon next but hits one of Spike's
lads instead. Ooops!
A confused melee breaks out in the middle of the table with
Gnarkbag's unit, the trolls, and the Black Hand against the
Knights and their hero. The knights prove incredibly hard to
kill, and they fail to
break them.
DWARVES TURN 5
The Gyrocopter decides to take care of Sharkfang's lads once and
for all, and manages to cook them up nice. The trollslayers, the
clansmen, and the General all charge into the fray in the center,
and
despite heavy fighting nobody breaks. More night gobbo archers
fall to the understaffed Bolt-thrower, but the cannon crew is
over-eager during loading and the gun blows up in their faces,
scattering
the crew. So much for dwarven engineering! Another blast from Tim
finishes Sharky and his ladz.
ORCS TURN 5
Spikes ladz are beaten and run down (!?!?) by the Thunderers
off-season track team, and the rest of the fighting is a confused
mess, with nobody backing down despite the Knights being
destroyed.
The sun sets and both sides are forced to withdraw, with no
clear-cut victor on either side. The orcs are very saddened by
this, as they were just starting to enjoy themselves and now the
party's over...
..."An dat's why we alwayz gotta scuffle wit dem stunty
basta'ds!" shouted Gnarkbag as he finished yet another mug
of Squig brew. "If we left 'em alone, dey'd jus' sit around
plain' wit dere toyz and
ferget what good scrappas dey are!"
As his ladz screamed and cheered on his words of wisdom, he
thought to himself "I wunder if dem Stuntys'll come back
tomorrow?..."
AFTERTHOUGHT:
Great is Gork! Once again my rock lobber pays for itself many
times over. I'm really beginning to love that model.