by Warboss Gnarkbag
Warlord Gnarkbag and da Massive
Waaagh
Episode I - Krump da Skinnies!
"So, ya fink yer some tough stuff ya Gobbo gits!"
bellowed Gnarkbag as he leaned back and threw a heavily mailed
boot up on the table. The huge Orc cracked his knuckles and put
his calloused
hands behind his head. "Pass a brace 'a pints 'a dat Squig
Brew, an I'll tell yaz 'ow me an da ladz just krumped a bunch a
skinnies! Oi, an do it kwick or yer next!"...
...The morning was cold in the small village of Pertheron. The
small colony of High Elves was well known for it's fine wines,
and the Elven Lord had come over the sea from far Chrace to
sample
them. It was good thing too, for his perimeter guard had reported
ill tidings in the night - a horde of ferocious Orcs was massing
in the hills outside the town and preparing to attack. The
Visiting lord
had immediately mobilized his personal guard and called the town
militia together. Luckily, the village was well suited for
defense.
As he finished donning his armor, a scout rushed in.
"Sir!" he declaimed, "Some Goblins were in our
camp during the night! They must have been stealing
supplies."
The elven lord nodded sagely. "They must have been after the
wine."
"No sir." The scout shook his head in confusion.
"In fact, you'll never guess what they took!"...
..."Wots all dis den!?!" shouted Gnarkbag as he waded
into the group of gobbos. Snikker's boyz were a lot noisier than
usual, and none of them could seem to sit still. Gnarkbag grabbed
Snikker as
the wily gobbo ran around in circles and lifted him up.
"Wot's da big idear?! We'r tryin ta get ready fer an
attack!!"
Snikker only laughed maniacally. "Sorry boss!! Have a
toke?" The weedy git held out a Bottle for Gnarkbag's
inspection. "We snuk in da skinnies' camp and stole all dis
wine!!"
"Gimmie dat!!!!" said Gnarkbag as he grabbed the bottle
and took a swig. Immediately his eyes began to water and his
throat stung feircely. He reeled a bit. "Gork an' Mork! Dose
skinnies mus 'ave
iron bellies!"
The gobbos laughed histerically and continued passing around more
bottles of the clear liquid. Gnarkbag took another look at the
bottle in his hand and slapped Snikker on the skull. "Wait a
minnit
ya Git! Dis ain't wine! Dis is da stuff dey use ta clean dey're
armor wit!!!"
The Gobbos only laughed harder. Snikker Began hopping about on
one foot and howling for his war wolf, madly shouting "Krum
da Skinnies! Krump da Skinnies! Krump da Skinnies!"...
The Battle:
This was a freindly 1500 points battle in which the high elves
defend a village from the Orcs. Originally the orcs were to get
an extra 100 VP for every unit that made it into the Village, but
it turned
more into a fight to the death towards the end. My apologies to
my opponent for the inevitable mistakes I will make in reporting
this, my first victory with the orcs. The forces were more or
less as
follows:
High Elves:
General - Elf Lord with double handed weapon, hvy armor, shld,
etc.
General's bodyguard - 19 White Lions of Chrace with standard
& musician
General's Retinue - 16 Lothern Sea Guard w/ standard &
musician
The Border Patrol - 6 or 7 Ellyrion Reavers with Lances, bows, lt
armor, etc
The Militia - 8 Elven Archers with longbows
The Militia - 5 Elven Archers with Bows
The Scouts - 2 units of 5 Shadow Warriors with bows
The Artillery - 2 Repeater Bolt Throwers
The Protector of Pertheron - One Great Eagle
The Magi - 2x level one Wizards
Orcs:
Warboss Gnarkbag with armor of fortune, sheild, Flail of Skulls
Umrot the BSB Lt Armor, Shield, Sword of Bork
WarBoss' Mob - 18 Big Un's with Lt Armor, Sheild, & Spears,
musician, BSB
Da Stoopid Trollz - 3 Stone Trolls
The Dirty Underwear Mob - 6 Arrer Boyz
The Twangerz - 6 arrer Boyz
Big Boss Sharkfang - with Bone Blade
Shakrfang's Mob - 15 Orcs with extra hand weapons, standard,
musician
Spike's Mob - Spike the Boss orc plus 15 Orcs with extra hand
weapons, Standard & Musician
Snikker's Ladz - Goblin Big Boss on wolf plus 13 Wolf Boyz with
Sheilds, Spears,Standard, Musician
Rumshag the Shaman - with Rod of Power, Spells: "ere we
go", "Waaaagh!"
Da Hand of Gork - small rock lobber with 3 crew
The battlefeild:
The table was 4'x6'. We'll call the long ends north and south.
The Elven town is on the North side. It consists of about 6 Small
buildings. A low stone wall completely surrounds the village
except
for a small gap/gate where a road emerges. There are trees along
one side of the road near the gate. West of the village (outside
the wall) is a large hill. There is a forest in the center of the
table and
one on the west side. On the south side where the orcs set up,
there are three large hills.
Deployment:
The Elves set up the White Lions with the General in side the
town guarding the gate on the west side of town. The large
militia group was next to them behind the wall. On the other end
of the town
were the seaguard in 2 ranks behind the walls. On the hill to the
west of town were the 2 Bolt Throwers. At the foot of that hill
was the small militia and the Reavers. The 2 units of Shadow
Warriors
deployed in each of the two major woods near the Orcs line. One
Mage deploys with the Sea Guard, one with the Lions. The Eagle
deploys behind a Barn.
The Orcs Place the Rock Lobba on a hill on the East side of the
table. The Twangers are on the hill next to it. Below the hills
and opposite the Sea Guard are Spike's Mob and the General's Mob
of
Big Uns. The Trolls are next in line. The Dirty Underwear Gang
holds the top of the next hill. Sharkfang and his Mob are at the
base of that hill starting along the Road. Snikker and hs boys
are on
the far west flank.
Turns: The Battle will last until someone cries uncle. The Orcs
win the First move, however, the Reavers get a free march move.
They Ride up Next to the west woods to support the Shadow
Warriors.
ORCS TURN ONE:
Snikker and his ladz have been drinking waaayyy too much rust
remover and are so hopped up that they decide to charge the
Reavers! They are just in range and so they ride headlong at the
elves,
howling and hollering.
One of Sharkfang's ladz drops his sword and the rest of the unit
spends the turn sqabbling over who gets to slap for bein such a
clumzy git.
The Trolls, the Big Mob, and Spike's Boyz all move forward,
hampered somewahat by the nearby Shadow warriors.
The rock lobba chucks a huge stone at the White Lions, but it
falls short and hits the town wall, barely denting it.
The Dirty Underwear Mob Shoots at the Lions, but they are just
out of range. The Twangers shoot at the Sea Guard, but they fail
to hit them.
Snikker and his boyz are all fired up! THey careen into the
Reavers and Bring down four of them in the charge, breaking them
and running them down almost into the Bolt throwers.
The winds of Magic blow weakly and Rumshag hoards his power.
ELVES TURN ONE:
Unnerved by the screaming Wolfboyz, The Shadow Warriors in the
west woods move back to take some shots at them. The Small
Militia and the Bolt throwers adjust themselves likewise. The Elf
lord realizes that most of his enemy is in the east, so he and
the Lions sally out through the gate. The Eagle flies high. The
Shadow Warriors in the East Woods move in front of Gnarkbag's
mob,
trying to intercept them.
The Shadow warriors, the Bolt throwers, and the Small militia all
fire on Snikker and his boyz, but Gork and Mork are watching over
them. Only about a quarter of them fall, and the mad Gobbos
pass their panic test!
One of the mages casts Fiery Convocation, on Spike's Boys. They
burn well enough but keep marching.
ORCS TURN 2:
Charge! The Gobbos charge one of the Bolt Throwers on the Hill.
The Trolls decide to make a try for the Shadow warrios in front
of the Big mob. Spikes boyz, stil on fire from the convocation,
start bickering over whether they should stop, drop, or roll on
the ground. ("Quick, put me out!"... "Oi! You put
ME out!!) The Twangers move forwrd off the the hill, as do the
Dirty Underwear
Gang. Sharkfang's Ladz can't get organized and continue to bicker
over wether to keep moving up the road, to head into the woods,
or to stop and ask for directions.
The Twangers fire at the Sea Guard again but are worse than
useless.
The Lobba, however, scores a direct hit on the Lotherns, smashing
a third of them into pulp! The grim elves stand their ground,
though. The crew begins chanting "Gork! Gork! Gork!"
The Gobbos tear into the Bolt Thrower crew and destroy them
handily. Paniced by the raving stoned Gobbos, the other RBT crew
and the small militia both run. The shadow warrios in the East
decide to flee rather than face the Trolls' charge, but the
trolls are faster, and they make a light snack of the elven
elites.
More of Spike's lads fall to the Fiery Convocation, leaving just
Spike, his banner Bearer, and musician. Rumshag tries to dispel
it but fails somthing 'orrible! Rumshag tries to cast a further
spell but
fails.
ELVES TURN 2:
The small militia rallies, but the second RBT crew decides
they've had enough and flee the field.
The Great Eagle comes screaming out of the sky in an attempt to
crush the Wolfboyz. The White Lions decide to take cover in the
East Woods. The shadow Warriors run back to harass Sharkfang's
ladz.
The Lotherns open up on the Trolls and inflict a number of
wounds, but the Trolls regenerate all save one! The Lotherns pale
considerably as the disgusting creatures thoughtlessly pluck
arrows out
of their own flesh. The large Militia looses upon Sharkfang's
ladz, meanwhile, and causes a few casualties.
The Eagle makes a good attempt at tearing up the wolfboyz, but it
is not enough. They Strike back and break the flyer, gleefully
riding him down. Their pursuit carries them up to the town wall,
screaming and howling all the way!
The Fiery convocation burns the remnants of Spike and his ladz to
cinders. Gnarkbag freaks out! He and his unit panic and run for
it, as do the trolls.
ORCS TURN 3:
Gnarkbag attempts to rally his boys.... and Fails!!! His unit is
about to flee off the board! However, at this point my opponent
(good on him!) tells me to rally the unit, as even though things
look
bad for the orcs right now, he doesn't want to send my whole army
packing on turn 3 from panic - he wants to scrap! So what really
happened is that the Elves drove the orcs off and held the town,
but at this point in the proceedings that rust-remover that
Gnarkbag drank started to really kick in and The tide of the
battel turns... perhaps it was all a drink-induced hallucination!
So - Gnarkbag's brain finally starts firing, and he rallies his
unit. Thr Trolls, however, Keep running, and find themselves
halfway up a hill before they stop. The wolfboyz finally make it
into town,
whooping it up behind the Elven Lines. Sharkfang's boys trudge
down the road a bit more, harassed from behind by the remaining
Shadow Warriors. The Dirty Underwear Gang runs into the East
Woods to challenge the position of the White Lions and hold them
up if possible. The Twangers try to find cover behind a hill, but
are unsuccessful.
The Rock Lobba is Truly the Hand of Gork today! It scores ANOTHER
DIRECT HIT on the Lotherns and reduces their number by half!
Still, the elves do not panic!
Rumshag successfully casts a Waaagh! and the two Elven Mages'
heads explode! However, one has the Escape card and he reappears
outside the town near a barn.
He tries to cast Ere we go, but Drain magic takes care of that.
ELVES TURN 3:
The Large Militia does an about-face to deal with the Wolfboyz
behind them. The Lions turn to face the Dirty Underwear Gang. The
small militia moves into the trees near the road trying to get
near
Sharkfang's lads. The Shadow Warriors run around Behind
Sharkfang's unit. The recently deceased Mage decides to hid in
the barn.
The Large Militia has an excellent round of shooting and not all
the firewater in the world will get Snikker's lads through it.
They are all mowed down under a hail of arrows.
The Lotherns fire at the Twangers but can't seem to wound them
despite a lot of hits. The Shadow Warriors drop another of
Sharkfang's lads.
The Mage casts Firey convocation on Sharkfang's Lads, but Rumshag
manages a dispel!
ORCS TURN 4:
The Trolls finally decide to rally. The Dirty Underwaer Gang, in
a fit of temporary insanity, decide they can take the White Lions
on in a charge. Meanwhile, Gnarkbag and Sharkfang wheel their
units around in the beginnings of a slow pincer movement with the
Lions at the center.
The Rock Lobber again aims at the Sea Guard, but the shot goes
wide, and instead hits the Barn where the mage is hiding! It
fails to bring the structure down, but the crew jumps up and down
shouting "Oi! Lookit! Lookit! We Hit it!" The Twangers
start to move in on the Sea Guard.
The Dirty Underwear Gang Slams into the White Lions, but the
whole Front line is mowed down, and the two that remain run for
the hills. The Lions decide not pursue, afraid of a flank charge.
Rumshag manages to cast "Ere We Go!", and the orcs
begin to grin.
ELVES TURN 4:
The Small militia breaks through the trees by the road. The
Shadow Warriors continue to dog Sharkfang's boys. The Large
Militia turns around again, and the Mage quits the smashed Barn
and joins
them.
Lots of arrows fly into Sharkfang's Unit, but none of them can
wound. Likewise with the Lothern firing at the Twangers.
The Mage manages to get off another Convocation on Sharkfang's
unit! There are heavy losses, but the lads stand firm!
ORCS TURN 5:
The last two members of the Dirty Underwear Gang rally, turning
to face the pesky Shadow Warriors.
The trolls come down off the hill to the edge of the wood. Both
Sharkfang and Gnarkbag finish wheeling their units onto the
Lions' flanks, despite the fact that Sharky's lads are on FIRE!
The Twangers run headlong at the Lotherns.
The Rock Lobber chucks again, but the shot falls harmlessly wide.
Rumshag dispels the Convocation, but can't work up another
"ere we go".
ELVES TURN 5:
The white Lions in the East woods are almost completely
surrounded! It's charge or be charged for them. Their only hope
is if they can push through the trolls and fight their way out of
the trap. It's
a desperate last stand!! They decide to charge the Trolls and
pray to Isha.
Again a hail of arrows fall on Sharkfang's boys, but they manage
to weather the storm.
The Lions slam into the trolls for all they're worth. The battle
is Bloody, but the Lions prevail. They break the trolls and send
them running! Bad luck though - the Lions can't work up enough of
a
pursuit to get away. They have failed to get out of the trap!
The mage doesn't have enough power for the convocation this turn.
ORCS TURN 6:
Charge!!! Charge!!! Charge!!! Charge!!! The Lions are Charged on
two flanks by Gnarkbag and Sharkfang. The Twangers charge the
seaguard at the town wall, and the Dirty Underwear Gang
charges the remaining Shadow Warriors.
The Lobba chucks a rock at the large militia and scores ANOTHER
DIRECT HIT!!! The Large Militia runs!!
The hand to hand Fighting is Feirce. The Elf Lord calls out a
challenge, which sharkfang accepts. He wounds, but does not kill
the Elf Lord. The Orcs tear throught he lions with Ease, but as
long as
the general lives, the Lions DO NOT BREAK!!
Meanwhile, the Dirty Underwaer boys hurt but do not break the
Shadow Warriors. The Twangers, however, are driven back from the
wall, with the Lothern Guard in hot pursuit!
Runshag tries to cast, but Drain Magic is played.
ELVES TURN 6:
The archers of the small militia throw caution to the wind and
charge Sharkfang's ladz in the rear. Sharkfang himself is busy
fighting with the Elf Lord, so his lads get nervous and Bolt!
They
manage to outrun the Elves, and Sharkfang stays behind to keep
fighting his challenge.
The Lotherns charge the fleeing twangers and run them down.
In Hand to Hand, Sharkfang slays the Elven General! Panic sweeps
the elven lines! The White Lions break and are destroyed! Both
Militias flee! The Shadow warriors are run down by the Dirty
Underwaer Duo! Looting! Pillage! Elven Steed Steaks! The Orcs
begin chanting! "Gork! Gork! Gork! Gork!"...
Analysis: I was one lucky sod tonight. If this had only been a 4
turn game I would have lost. Obviously, Orc infantry needs time
to get into position, but when you have that luxury your superior
numbers can allow you to swarm over your opponent. Those gobbos,
though... there's just no logical explanation for that!
..."So Yer tryin' ta tell me that a bunch 'a weedy gobbos
collapsed da skinnies flank, charged through a storm 'a
Bolt-throwas and Killed a Great Eagle!? That a gang 'a puny arrer
boyz went toe ta
toe wit da White Lions an Lived?!? Dat yer Lobba actually hit da
enemy FOUR TIMES!?!?!?!?! Gnarkbag, ya Lyin' SOD! Getouttahere!
An put down dat bottle 'a rust remover!!"